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in AI
The AI Ponzi Scheme’s Final Act: When the House of Cards Runs Out of Cards
Welcome to the AI endgame, where the tech industry’s most expensive game of musical chairs is about to run out of music—and seats. While Silicon Valley’s philosopher-kings have been busy promising us AGI, immortality, and a new industrial revolution, a small problem has emerged: the money is running out, the hardware is rotting faster than […] More
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in AI
OpenAI Announces Revolutionary New Linkedin Killer Where Robots Interview Robots While Humans Watch Netflix!
The Ministry of Artificial Intelligence—formerly known as OpenAI—has announced its latest innovation in human optimization: a LinkedIn competitor that promises to revolutionize the hiring process by removing the most inefficient element from recruitment: actual humans making actual recruitment decisions. According to Fidji Simo, OpenAI’s newly minted CEO of Applications (a title that sounds suspiciously like […] More
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in Tech
The Last Browser War: Google’s Pyrrhic Victory in the Age of Conversational Computing
Recently, Google announced with considerable fanfare that it had successfully defended its right to maintain control of the Chrome browser against Department of Justice (DOJ) antitrust proceedings. The victory was hailed by tech journalists as a triumph of innovation over regulation, a vindication of Google’s stewardship of the internet’s primary gateway, and a blow against […] More
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in Internet
Down the .COM Rabbit Hole: A Mad Hatter’s Guide to Digital Real Estate in an AI Wonderland
Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do when suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ran close by her, frantically typing on a laptop and muttering, “Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late for the .ai domain auction! The […] More
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in Tech
Vocal Uprising: How Nari Labs’ Two-Person Army Is Making Tech Giants Nervously Clear Their Synthetic Throats
In an industry where “innovation” usually means adding another billion dollars to a valuation without adding a single new feature, two undergraduates with a Google cloud credit account have somehow managed to make the entire text-to-speech market sound like it’s been gargling with digital gravel for years. The Sound of Disruption Comes From… A Dorm […] More
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Down the Rabbit Hole: How AI Companies Discovered That Their Revolutionary Technology Only Works When Users Are Psychic
Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her laptop, having nothing to do. Once or twice she had peeped into the AI chatbot her company had purchased for $20,000 per month, but it had no pictures or conversations worth having—”And what is the use of artificial intelligence,” thought Alice, “without pictures or […] More
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in Tech
USB Cable Apocalypse: How The Tech Industry Turned Connecting Things Into An Existential Crisis
In a world where technological progress supposedly makes our lives easier, the humble USB cable stands as humanity’s greatest monument to deliberate confusion. What began in 1995 as a simple idea to standardize connections has evolved into a sprawling, incomprehensible ecosystem that leaves even veteran engineers weeping in the cable aisle at any decent electronics […] More
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AI’s Power Crisis: New “Bring Your Own Electricity” Programs Will Soon Force Users to Pedal for Their Prompts
In a stunning development that makes “batteries not included” seem quaint by comparison, major AI companies have begun rolling out what industry insiders are calling “Bring Your Own Electricity” (BYOE) programs. These innovative initiatives promise to solve the crippling energy demands of artificial intelligence by elegantly shifting the burden from multi-billion-dollar corporations directly to you, […] More
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in Social Media
Reddit: The American Gated Community Masquerading as the Internet’s “Front Page”
In a dazzling display of hypocrisy that would make the Vatican clutch its pearls, Reddit continues to brand itself as the “front page of the internet” (now “The Heart of the Internet” – whatever that means!) while operating more like the front gate of a gated American suburb: armed with paranoid moderators, nosy bots, and […] More
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in Tech Review
If Content is King, then Context is god
Abstract For thirty years, the digital economy ran on a single commandment: ‘Content is King.’ That era is over. The principle that fueled the rise of search engines and the entire attention economy has collapsed under the weight of its own success. The democratization of publishing, supercharged by generative AI, created an information deluge that […] More
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in Tech
Model Context Protocol (MCP): The AI Industry’s Latest Solution to Problems It Created (And Five New Ones We Didn’t Need)
Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! TechOnion Lab – In a move that shocked exactly no one, Anthropic has unveiled the Model Context Protocol (MCP), a revolutionary new standard that promises to “finally make AI useful” by connecting large language models to every tool, database, and mildly concerning surveillance system humanity […] More
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The Great OS Wars: How Windows Peasants and Mac Aristocrats Destroyed Civilization While Chrome Laughed in the Background
In what military historians are calling “the most passive-aggressive conflict since the invention of office politics,” the decades-long rivalry between Microsoft Windows and Apple’s macOS has finally escalated into full-scale digital warfare, complete with propaganda campaigns, defector scandals, and one particularly devastating ninja attack that nobody saw coming. To be, or not to be—that is […] More
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in Social Media
Elon Musk Bought a $44 Billion Megaphone and Programmed It to Only Broadcast Himself
Elon Musk didn’t buy Twitter (now X) to save free speech. He bought it to ensure his speech is the only speech that matters. The algorithm isn’t broken—it’s working exactly as intended, amplifying Musk-approved narratives while sending criticism into a digital black hole. You can technically post whatever you want on X, but the algorithm […] More
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in AI
The Emperor’s New Algorithm: Why Your “Intelligent” AI Is Just the Mechanical Turk 2.0 with a Filipino Teenager in a Very Expensive Box
In 1770, a Hungarian inventor named Wolfgang von Kempelen unveiled a chess-playing robot (known as the automaton back then) that fooled emperors, statesmen, and the brightest minds of the Enlightenment for 84 years. The Mechanical Turk, as it was called, was a marvel—an impossibly intelligent machine that could beat Napoleon Bonaparte and Benjamin Franklin at […] More
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in AI
The AI Ethics Course Speedrun: How Silicon Valley Discovered Infinite Irony
In a twist so poetically absurd it could only emerge from the tech industry’s reality distortion field, someone just used an AI browser to blitz through an online course titled “AI Ethics, Responsible Use, and Creativity.” The internet’s response was swift and merciless: “You learned nothing, and the more you delegate your thinking to AI, […] More
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in Tech
AI Apocalypse Blueprint: How ‘The Coming Wave’ Teaches You to Surf The End Times While Building Your Bunker
Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! In what might be the most expensive self-help book for tech billionaires contemplating whether to build their doomsday bunkers in New Zealand or Mars, Mustafa Suleyman – co-founder of DeepMind and current Microsoft AI executive-has graced us with “The Coming Wave,” a […] More
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in Business
Google’s Gospel: How the Church of Clicks Became the Internet’s Most Profitable Religion
In which we examine how advertising transformed the web from humanity’s greatest library into humanity’s most sophisticated slot machine The internet was supposed to be different. Back in the 1995, when dial-up modems sang their mechanical hymns and “You’ve Got Mail” was still a source of genuine excitement rather than existential dread, the web promised […] More
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in AI
OpenAI’s Deep Research: How Waiting 30 Minutes For AI Responses Became a $200 Premium Experience
In a world where instant gratification isn’t quite instant enough, OpenAI has revolutionized the concept of patience with its groundbreaking “deep research” feature. Released in February 2025, this technological marvel promises to transform your half-formed questions into comprehensive, citation-riddled reports that would make your college professor both impressed and suspicious. All for the modest price […] More
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The Silicon Cartel: How AI’s Arms Race Spawned the World’s Most Exclusive Black Market
The curious case began, as most modern mysteries do, with a seemingly innocuous LinkedIn post. Dr. Marcus Chen, former TSMC engineer turned “AI Infrastructure Consultant,” had updated his status to “Helping democratize artificial intelligence through strategic hardware partnerships.” Within 48 hours, his DMs were flooded with inquiries from startup founders, defense contractors, and what appeared […] More
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Companion 2.0: How Tech Bros Convinced Us All to Pet Drones Instead of Actual Pets
In a stunning triumph of Silicon Valley innovation over basic human decency, 2025 has officially become the year when people began replacing their furry companions with buzzing, hovering hunks of plastic and circuitry. Walk down any street in San Francisco, New York, or increasingly, suburban America, and you’ll witness humans proudly striding alongside their “pet […] More
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in Business
The Rise, Fall, and Zombie-Like Resurrection of Patent Trolls: How America’s Favorite Legal Parasites Evolved From Under The Bridge
In a dimly lit conference room in Delaware, in the US, a lawyer in an expensive but somehow ill-fitting suit passes a USB drive across a polished table. “It contains a patent for ‘a method of transferring digital information from one location to another,’” he whispers. “We’ve already sent demand letters to 16,000 businesses that […] More
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in AI
The Curious Case of the Self-Regulating AI Industry: How Silicon Valley Convinced Everyone That Foxes Make Excellent Henhouse Guards
The facts of the case, when laid bare, present a puzzle so elementary that even the most novice investigator of corporate behavior should find the solution immediately apparent. Yet somehow, an entire industry has managed to convince regulators, politicians, and the public that the very companies racing to deploy potentially dangerous artificial intelligence systems are […] More
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in Social Media
When Your Half-Trillion-Dollar Empire Includes a Delete Button: Elon Musk’s Masterclass in Digital Gaslighting
The world’s first half-trillionaire has a problem. Not a small problem, like “my yacht’s helicopter pad is too small” or “I accidentally bought another social media platform.” No, Elon Musk’s problem is that 2.9 million Tesla vehicles—equipped with technology marketed as “Full Self-Driving”—are now under federal investigation for committing traffic violations that would get a […] More
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in Tech
OpenAI Announces Revolutionary New Mission: “Artificial General Intelligence for Some Humans, Miniature American Flags for Others”
In a stunning display of corporate transparency that would make Winston Smith weep with joy, OpenAI has quietly clarified its mission statement. No longer content with the vague promise of “ensuring artificial general intelligence benefits all of humanity,” the company has embraced a more nuanced approach: “ensuring artificial general intelligence benefits the humans who can […] More
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in AI
The Great Intelligence Leveling: How AI Companies Discovered the Genius of Making Humans Dumber
Down the rabbit hole of artificial intelligence development, where logic twists like a Möbius strip and common sense becomes as elusive as a Cheshire Cat’s grin, a most peculiar revelation has emerged from the looking glass of Silicon Valley. The path to artificial general intelligence, it turns out, was never about making machines smarter—it was […] More
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Ancient Wisdom, New Controllers: How Silicon Valley Could Stop Failing If It Just Played More Games
In a stunning revelation that has the entire tech industry frantically updating their LinkedIn profiles to include “lifelong gamer,” recent analysis shows that the $200 billion gaming industry might have already solved most of the problems Silicon Valley pretends to be inventing solutions for. While tech executives were busy pivoting from crypto to metaverse to […] More
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in Tech
Facebook’s Cookie Catastrophe: Exclusive Code Leak Reveals What Your Browser Already Knew
In a shocking revelation that has sent tremors through Silicon Valley and caused exactly zero surprise among anyone who’s ever used the internet, a bombshell piece of code allegedly from Facebook’s (now Meta) vast digital labyrinth has been unearthed. The code, elegant in its simplicity yet breathtaking in its honesty, reads: This digital haiku of […] More
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in AI
Chrome-onomics: When Perplexity, a “ChatGPT Wrapper” Thinks It Can Buy Google’s Crown Jewel
In a move that would make the Ministry of Truth’s propaganda department weep with professional envy, artificial intelligence startup Perplexity has announced its intention to purchase Google Chrome for $34.5 billion. This figure represents nearly twice the startup’s own valuation of $18 billion, proving once again that in our brave new digital world, mathematical impossibility […] More
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