It was the best of times for Apple shareholders, it was the worst of times for anyone who actually wanted their iPhone to survive a gentle breeze. In the gleaming towers of Cupertino, where the air is thick with the scent of liquid courage and premium pricing strategies, a revolution was brewing. Not the kind […]
It was the best of times for Apple shareholders, it was the worst of times for anyone who thought they understood how capitalism was supposed to work. In the gleaming towers of Cupertino, where executives in $700 hoodies contemplate the profound mysteries of profit margin optimization, a solution to the US-engineered tariff crisis emerged that […]
The smartphone industry has reached peak innovation. After years of making phones thinner, cameras sharper, and screens more fragile, tech giants have finally identified humanity’s most pressing digital dilemma: we have been criminally underutilizing our thumbs. Enter the AI Dedicated Button – a revolutionary piece of aluminum or plastic depending whether you are an Apple sheep or […]
In what tech experts are calling “the most precisely targeted navigation update in history,” Apple Maps has reportedly achieved 100% accuracy in its directions – as long as you’re trying to get to an Apple Store. The groundbreaking improvement comes after 13 years of users wandering aimlessly through parks, driving into lakes, and being directed […]
In what industry analysts are calling “the most ironic sustainability initiative since coal-powered electric cars,” a prominent Apple accessory maker has announced a new line of iPhone 16 cases made entirely from recycled Lightning cables rendered obsolete by Apple’s switch to USB-C. The cases, scheduled to hit the market later this month, represent what the […]
In a shocking twist that absolutely no one saw coming except literally everyone with a passing interest in consumer technology, Apple plans to release its revolutionary, groundbreaking, paradigm-shifting foldable iPhone in 2026. The device, which industry insiders definitely aren’t calling the “iFold” because that would require Apple’s naming department to experience a genuine creative impulse, […]
In what tech historians are calling “the most deliberate inconvenience since the invention of automatic phone menus,” Apple has once again released a Magic Mouse with its charging port stubbornly located on the bottom, rendering the device completely unusable during charging. The latest USB-C version of the Magic Mouse, released in October 2024, continues Apple’s […]
In the hallowed halls of Cupertino, where designers wear the same black turtleneck every day and executives practice saying “revolutionary” in the mirror, Apple has perfected the art of selling essentially the same laptop at two different price points. Welcome to the bizarre parallel universe where the MacBook Air and MacBook Pro coexist in a […]
Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! In a stunning display of foresight that would make Nostradamus look like an amateur fortune teller, Google executives in 2006 gazed into their crystal balls and somehow predicted that a money-losing video sharing site with zero revenue model would eventually become the […]
“The only thing worse than having to share your toys is having to share your toys with someone who doesn’t understand why your toys are better in the first place.” – Tim Cook, of Apple Inc. In a move that has Apple executives reaching for their meditation apps and overpriced alkaline water, the European Union […]
“The highest form of technological achievement isn’t making people see things that aren’t there, but making them not see things that are – like the dent in their bank account.” – Anonymous Apple Engineer who was definitely not fired the next day. In what industry insiders are calling “the most courageous pivot since removing the […]
In a world where rectangles of glass and aluminum compete for our attention and wallets, have you ever wondered why some tech products make you feel something while others just… exist on the shelf? The answer might be more metaphysical than you think. Every day, millions of humans press their faces against cold screens, desperately […]
“To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom,” said Socrates, who thankfully died centuries before he could experience the existential dread of receiving a “Storage Almost Full” notification while trying to photograph his hemlock cocktail for Athenian Instagram. Had he lived today, the great philosopher might have amended his statement: “To know thyself is to […]
“A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure,” goes the old adage. Similarly, a person with local storage knows what photos they have, but a person with both local and cloud storage finds themselves paying $9.99 monthly for memories they’re pretty sure they already own. […]
