Here’s what history teaches us about grand deceptions: they don’t repeat exactly, but they do share a signature—a seductive promise of a transformative leap, a new technology so revolutionary it will remake civilization as we know it, backed by charismatic prophets who tell us this time is different! In 1770, it was the Mechanical Turk promising […]
In 2015, Elizabeth Holmes promised that a single drop of blood from a finger prick could run hundreds of medical tests with revolutionary accuracy, transforming healthcare forever. The technology didn’t work, the results were often fabricated or wildly inaccurate, and investors lost $700 million before Holmes was convicted of fraud. Fast forward to 2025, Sam […]
Hark, what light from yonder data center breaks? It is the East, and Sam Altman is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon of gainful human employment, which is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her prophet, art far more fair than she. In the grand and tragic theatre of […]
From: [email protected]: [email protected] Subject: THE AGI DELUSION! Dear Sam Altman, Congratulations are in order for successfully convincing the entire gullible world that OpenAI is merely months away from creating an artificial god (AGI) while hemorrhaging a modest $5 billion this year. As long-time observers of Silicon Valley’s reality distortion fields, we must say yours has […]
Because nothing reveals the tech industry’s true nature like words they never actually said In an era where distinguishing between authentic and AI-generated content grows increasingly difficult, TechOnion presents an exclusive compilation of the tech industry’s most profound, revealing, and occasionally disturbing statements. After months of investigative journalism, deep archival research, and absolutely zero use […]
In what may be the least surprising scientific discovery since researchers confirmed that bears do indeed defecate in wooded areas, OpenAI and MIT scientists have published groundbreaking research revealing that people who spend hours talking to an AI chatbot instead of humans report feeling… wait for it… lonely.1 The joint study, which analyzed over 40 […]
“I wish we could just build the better product,” sighs Sam Altman from his X (formerly Twitter) app, while drafting his 17th tweet of the day about how he totally doesn’t care about Elon Musk. In what anthropologists are now calling “the most passive-aggressive tech relationship since Steve Jobs and Bill Gates,” OpenAI CEO Sam […]
Aristotle once pondered, “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.” But when it comes to ChatGPT’s $200 subscription tier, one must ask: is emptying your wallet greater than the sum of features you barely use? In the gleaming headquarters of the Institute for Cognitive Expenditure Analysis, researchers have made a startling discovery. […]
In a secret underground bunker beneath Silicon Valley, Sam Altman stands before a mirror practicing his keynote expressions. “Humble yet visionary,” he whispers, tilting his head slightly while softening his gaze. “Concerned but optimistic,” he continues, furrowing his brow while maintaining an enigmatic half-smile. Finally, “I’ve-seen-the-future-and-it’s-both-terrifying-and-wonderful-but-don’t-worry-we’re-handling-it,” which involves a complex series of micro-expressions only visible […]
