DearTechCEO

Dear Andy Jassy: Amazon’s Impending AI Apocalypse (A Survival Guide From The Future)

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An image illustrating the troubles at amazon

Mr. Jassy, Congratulations on your ongoing tenure as Chief Executive Officer of what we still affectionately call “Earth’s Most Customer-Centric Company,” though we both know it’s more accurately “Earth’s Most Data-Hoarding, Margin-Squeezing Behemoth.” As Jeff Bezos continues his expensive midlife crisis – launching himself into space like a billionaire’s version of a convertible Corvette – … Read more

The Leather Jacket Prophecies: An Open Letter to Jensen Huang Before Nvidia’s $3 Trillion Empire Crumbles Under the Weight of Its Own GPUs

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An ai generated image of Nvidia's CEO Jensen Huang leather jacket being worshipped by AI company CEOs

Dear Jensen Huang, First, congratulations on propelling Nvidia to a $3+ trillion market cap. You’ve managed to convince the world that a company selling glorified math processors should be valued higher than entire African nation-states. As you ponder your next world-changing keynote from atop your throne of melted graphics cards, we thought we would offer … Read more

The AGI Delusion: An Open E-mail to Sam Altman While Your Microsoft ‘Bromance’ Burns and Chinese AI Eats Your Lunch

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An ai generated image illustrating Sam Altman having an ai bot read an email from TechOnion about AGI Delusion

From: [email protected]: [email protected] Subject: THE AGI DELUSION! Dear Sam Altman, Congratulations are in order for successfully convincing the entire gullible world that OpenAI is merely months away from creating an artificial god (AGI) while hemorrhaging a modest $5 billion this year. As long-time observers of Silicon Valley’s reality distortion fields, we must say yours has … Read more