“We’re Building the Future”: A Translation Guide for VC-Funded Delusions

In the gray, sterile halls of corporate power and the coffee-scented open-plan offices of venture-backed startups, a new language is spoken. It is a dialect of English, but one whose primary purpose is not to communicate information, but to obscure it. It is a language of profound, almost religious conviction, designed to create a reality … Read more

AGI is the Tech Bro’s Rapture: Why It’s Never Coming

It is a curious feature of the modern age that every belief system, no matter how ancient, eventually finds its way to Silicon Valley to be rebranded, optimized, and sold as a subscription service. We have seen it with mindfulness, stoicism, and a dozen other philosophies, all stripped of their context and turned into productivity … Read more

Decoding Elon Musk’s Latest Tweet: A Cry for Help or Just Bad Tacos?

elon musk eating tacos while tweeting while engineering while trying to put on a space suit

The offices of TechOnion, much like the internet itself, possess a peculiar hum—a low-grade thrum of existential dread mixed with the scent of burnt coffee. It was upon this familiar frequency that the latest disturbance arrived, not with a bang, but with a tweet. Or rather, a series of tweets, a digital crime scene so … Read more

The Gospel of Sam Altman: Why the CEO of OpenAI is the Joel Osteen of Silicon Valley

The Gospel of Sam: Why the CEO of OpenAI is the Joel Osteen of Silicon Valley

Hark, what light from yonder data center breaks? It is the East, and Sam Altman is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon of gainful human employment, which is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her prophet, art far more fair than she. In the grand and tragic theatre of … Read more