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When Your Half-Trillion-Dollar Empire Includes a Delete Button: Elon Musk’s Masterclass in Digital Gaslighting

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The world’s first half-trillionaire has a problem. Not a small problem, like “my yacht’s helicopter pad is too small” or “I accidentally bought another social media platform.” No, Elon Musk’s problem is that 2.9 million Tesla vehicles—equipped with technology marketed as “Full Self-Driving”—are now under federal investigation for committing traffic violations that would get a … Read more

The Great X-odus: How Elon Musk’s Everything App Became Everything Wrong

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an image showing a lot going on with X (formerly Twitter)

A forensic analysis of the platform formerly known as Twitter’s descent into digital chaos The Case of the Missing Blue Bird In what may be the most expensive midlife crisis in human history, Elon Musk’s acquisition of Twitter for $44 billion has transformed the platform into something resembling a digital fever dream—if fever dreams included … Read more

The Xtravagant X-Vocabulary Revolution: 10 Xceptional Terms That Will Transform Your Tech Status Overnight

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urban tech bros dictionary by TechOnion

Because nothing says “I deserve my inflated salary” like casually dropping “X marks the spot of disruption” into conversations about the office coffee machine. Welcome to the twenty-fourth installment of TechOnion’s “Urban TechBros Dictionary,” where we continue our anthropological expedition into the verbal plumage of Silicon Valley’s most fascinating specimens. Today, we’re exploring terms beginning … Read more

Bird’s The Word Again: Musk Performs Most Expensive Corporate U-Turn in History

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“Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall,” warns the Book of Proverbs, words that Elon Musk apparently discovered after spending $44 billion on a social media platform, renaming it after a letter that sounds like a rejected James Bond villain’s signature, and watching $35 billion in value evaporate faster than his … Read more

The Reality Distortion Field’s Fatal Glitch: How X Marks the Spot Where Elon’s Luck Ran Out

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In a secure underground bunker beneath an undisclosed location (probably Texas), a team of engineers works frantically to repair what might be the most important technological device of the 21st century: Elon Musk’s Reality Distortion Field Generator. The machine, which has successfully convinced millions that Musk invented electric cars, founded PayPal, and is definitely going … Read more