# TechOnion | Tech. Make Believe.

> Tech. Make Believe.


## Posts

- [The Empire State Building Was Built in 410 Days Without Jira: A Devastating Indictment of Modern Tech's Project Management Theater](https://techonion.org/the-empire-state-building-was-built-in-410-days-without-jira-a-devastating-indictment-of-modern-techs-project-management-theater/): In a revelation that should make every Scrum Master question their life choices and every Product Owner reconsider their relationship with reality, the Empire State Building—all 102 floors and 1,454 feet of it—was constructed in a mere 410 days without a single sprint retrospective, daily standup, or color-coded Kanban board. This architectural marvel, completed in 1931, stands as a monument not just to human ambition, but to the profound absurdity of our current technological predicament: we’ve somehow convinced ourselves that building software requires more coordination tools than constructing the world’s tallest building! The Empire State Building project, managed with nothing […]
- [The Silicon Cartel: How AI's Arms Race Spawned the World's Most Exclusive Black Market](https://techonion.org/the-silicon-cartel-how-ais-arms-race-spawned-the-worlds-most-exclusive-black-market/): The curious case began, as most modern mysteries do, with a seemingly innocuous LinkedIn post. Dr. Marcus Chen, former TSMC engineer turned “AI Infrastructure Consultant,” had updated his status to “Helping democratize artificial intelligence through strategic hardware partnerships.” Within 48 hours, his DMs were flooded with inquiries from startup founders, defense contractors, and what appeared to be a surprising number of accounts with profile pictures of cartoon cats. What Dr. Chen had inadvertently announced to the world was his entry into the most lucrative and shadowy profession of the 21st century: chip dealing. The Elementary Economics of Digital Contraband In […]
- [#1 Google I/O 2025: Hasty Announcements, Empty Wallets, and the World’s Most Expensive Digital Storage Locker](https://techonion.org/1-google-i-o-2025-hasty-announcements-empty-wallets-and-the-worlds-most-expensive-digital-storage-locker/)
- [British Gentleman Falls for AI Jennifer Aniston Romance Scam: When Proper Tea Etiquette Meets Digital Deception](https://techonion.org/british-gentleman-falls-for-ai-jennifer-aniston-romance-scam-when-proper-tea-etiquette-meets-digital-deception/): In what may be the most quintessentially British tragedy since someone suggested putting pineapple on a proper Sunday roast, a 67-year-old gentleman from Gloucestershire has reportedly lost £15,000 to an AI-generated deepfake romance scam featuring none other than Jennifer Aniston. The incident, which reads like a collaboration between Charlie Brooker and Richard Curtis after a particularly dark evening at the pub, represents a new frontier in digital heartbreak that makes catfishing look positively quaint. The victim, identified only as “Geoffrey T.” in court documents (because even in financial ruin, British privacy standards must be maintained!), spent three months exchanging increasingly […]
- [Grammarly's $100 Million Superhuman Acquisition: The Desperate Grammar Police's Last Stand Against AI Extinction](https://techonion.org/grammarlys-100-million-superhuman-acquisition-the-desperate-grammar-polices-last-stand-against-ai-extinction/): In a move that reeks of corporate desperation disguised as strategic innovation, Grammarly has announced its acquisition of Superhuman AI for a reported $100 million—a sum that would have been considered modest for a unicorn startup three years ago but now feels like the equivalent of buying a first-class ticket on the Titanic after spotting the iceberg. The acquisition, framed by Grammarly’s leadership as a “synergistic convergence of AI-powered communication excellence,” reads more like a suicide note written in corporate buzzwords. For those keeping score at home in your bedrooms, this is the sound of a company that built an […]
- [The Cursed Fig: How Figma's IPO Might Be the Most Biblical Tech Disaster Since Apple](https://techonion.org/the-cursed-fig-how-figmas-ipo-might-be-the-most-biblical-tech-disaster-since-apple/): The design software world is buzzing with news that Figma has filed for its long-awaited IPO, planning to trade under the ticker symbol “FIG” on the New York Stock Exchange. But as any Sunday school graduate will tell you, figs and curses have a rather complicated biblical history—and Figma’s journey from Adobe’s $20 billion golden child to public market supplicant reads like a cautionary tale written in Silicon Valley’s most expensive ink. When the biblical Jesus approached that leafy fig tree in Bethany, expecting fruit but finding only empty promises, his subsequent curse echoed through millennia. Today, as Figma approaches […]
- [The Schrödinger's Entrepreneur: Cluely's Roy Lee's Quantum Superposition Between Content Creation and Corporate Leadership](https://techonion.org/the-schrodingers-entrepreneur-cluelys-roy-lees-quantum-superposition-between-content-creation-and-corporate-leadership/): In the peculiar wonderland of modern digital entrepreneurship, where the boundaries between entertainment and enterprise have become as blurred as a TikTok filter, we encounter the curious case of Roy Lee of Cluely—a figure who exists in a quantum superposition between content creator and tech CEO, much like Alice’s cat that was simultaneously alive and dead until observed by VCs. The question “Is Roy Lee a content creator or tech CEO?” reveals itself to be the wrong question entirely. In today’s attention economy, asking whether someone is a content creator or a CEO is like asking whether water is wet […]
- [Google's AI Overviews: When Artificial Intelligence Becomes an Artificial Witness](https://techonion.org/googles-ai-overviews-when-artificial-intelligence-becomes-an-artificial-witness/): How Google’s Hallucinating AI Just Became Aviation’s Most Unreliable Crash Investigator The Ministry of Truth would be proud. In a world where information flows through algorithmic channels with the authority of divine revelation, Google’s AI Overview has achieved something remarkable: it has begun rewriting aviation disasters in real-time, transforming Boeing crashes into Airbus incidents with the casual confidence of an African propaganda minister correcting historical records. The recent Air India crash, a tragic Boeing aircraft incident, was promptly “corrected” by Google’s AI Overview system, which confidently informed internet users that the aircraft involved in the crush was actually an Airbus […]
- [The 49% Solution: How Meta and Mark Zuckerberg Discovered the Regulatory Equivalent of "Just the Tip"](https://techonion.org/the-49-solution-how-meta-and-mark-zuckerberg-discovered-the-regulatory-equivalent-of-just-the-tip/): In which Silicon Valley’s finest legal minds prove that antitrust law is really just a creative writing exercise! The most brilliant minds in Silicon Valley have finally cracked the code that has eluded philosophers, mathematicians, and divorce lawyers for centuries: the precise mathematical threshold where ownership becomes “not really ownership.” Through exhaustive research involving armies of $10,000-per-hour lawyers and enough cocaine-fueled all-nighters (or ‘benders’ as they call them on the other side of the ocean) to power a small cryptocurrency mining operation, Big Tech has discovered that 49% is apparently the magical number where monopolistic behavior transforms into “strategic partnership […]
- [ChatGPT's Outages: The Ultimate Product/Market Fit Flex That Nobody Asked For](https://techonion.org/chatgpts-outages-the-ultimate-product-market-fit-flex-that-nobody-asked-for/): In which we discover that server downtime has become Silicon Valley’s newest form of humble-bragging The Great Digital Tantrum of 2025 When ChatGPT experiences even the briefest hiccup—a mere thirty-second delay in generating yet another mediocre haiku about productivity—the internet transforms into a digital Pompeii of despair. X becomes a wasteland of “Is ChatGPT down for everyone or just me?” posts, LinkedIn fills with thought leaders pontificating about “AI dependency,” and Reddit threads multiply like digital rabbits discussing backup AI solutions with the urgency typically reserved for REAL natural disasters. But here’s the delicious irony that OpenAI’s executives are undoubtedly […]
- [The Great Mobile Uprising: How the Android Peasant Revolution Finally Declared War on the Apple Aristocracy](https://techonion.org/the-great-mobile-uprising-how-the-android-peasant-revolution-finally-declared-war-on-the-apple-aristocracy/): In what self-appointed tech historians are already calling the most predictable conflict since the invention of comment sections, the long-simmering tensions between Android users and iPhone devotees have erupted into full-scale digital warfare. It was the age of infinite customization, it was the age of walled gardens; it was the epoch of open source rebellion, it was the epoch of premium subscription everything. In the sprawling digital landscape of 2025, two great tribes had emerged from the primordial soup of smartphone adoption, each convinced of their moral and technological superiority, each utterly baffled by the other’s existence. On one side […]
- [The Great OS Wars: How Windows Peasants and Mac Aristocrats Destroyed Civilization While Chrome Laughed in the Background](https://techonion.org/the-great-os-wars-how-windows-peasants-and-mac-aristocrats-destroyed-civilization-while-chrome-laughed-in-the-background/): In what military historians are calling “the most passive-aggressive conflict since the invention of office politics,” the decades-long rivalry between Microsoft Windows and Apple’s macOS has finally escalated into full-scale digital warfare, complete with propaganda campaigns, defector scandals, and one particularly devastating ninja attack that nobody saw coming. To be, or not to be—that is the question that has plagued computing since the dawn of the graphical user interface. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous Microsoft Windows updates, or to take arms against a sea of compatibility troubles by embracing the walled […]
- [Silicon Valley's Cold War: When Tech Titans Collide and Democracy Gets a Blue Screen](https://techonion.org/silicon-valleys-cold-war-when-tech-titans-collide-and-democracy-gets-a-blue-screen/): The Great Schism of 2025: A Shakespearean Tragedy in 280 Characters In the grand theater of American power, where political ambition meets algorithm and an orange ego collides with encryption, we witness the most spectacular falling-out since Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak disagreed about garage ventilation. The Trump-Musk inevitable divorce proceedings have begun, and the tech world is scrambling to pick sides like middle schoolers during a cafeteria food fight—except the stakes involve nuclear codes and the fate of artificial intelligence. What began as a beautiful bromance between the US president, Donald Trump, who tells truths on his own social […]
- [The Great X-odus: How Elon Musk's Everything App Became Everything Wrong](https://techonion.org/the-great-x-odus-how-elon-musks-everything-app-became-everything-wrong/): A forensic analysis of the platform formerly known as Twitter’s descent into digital chaos The Case of the Missing Blue Bird In what may be the most expensive midlife crisis in human history, Elon Musk’s acquisition of Twitter for $44 billion has transformed the platform into something resembling a digital fever dream—if fever dreams included premium subscription tiers and algorithmic chaos. The social media platform that once served as humanity’s collective nervous system has become a case study in how to systematically dismantle a functioning ecosystem while charging users for the privilege of watching it burn. The evidence is overwhelming. […]
- [Google's Gospel: How the Church of Clicks Became the Internet's Most Profitable Religion](https://techonion.org/googles-gospel-how-the-church-of-clicks-became-the-internets-most-profitable-religion/): In which we examine how advertising transformed the web from humanity’s greatest library into humanity’s most sophisticated slot machine The internet was supposed to be different. Back in the 1995, when dial-up modems sang their mechanical hymns and “You’ve Got Mail” was still a source of genuine excitement rather than existential dread, the web promised to be humanity’s great equalizer. Information would be free, knowledge would flow like fine digital wine, and we would all become enlightened beings connected across the vast expanse of the internet. Instead, we got Google. The Original Sin: A Brief Theology of Web Economics To […]
- [Nigeria's Flash Flood Crisis: How a Tech-Savvy Nation Forgot to Apply Technology to Saving Lives!](https://techonion.org/nigerias-flash-flood-crisis-how-a-tech-savvy-nation-forgot-to-apply-technology-to-saving-lives/): In which we examine the curious case of a country that can monitor oil pipelines with drones but apparently cannot predict when rivers might overflow It was a truth universally acknowledged that Nigeria, a nation possessed of considerable technological prowess, must be in want of applying said prowess to the preservation of human life. Yet as the flash floodwaters rose across the country recently, claiming 200 lives and leaving 500 missing, one could not help but observe a most peculiar phenomenon: a digital economy that had mastered the art of cryptocurrency transactions and fintech innovations had somehow failed to master […]
- [Apple's Genius Tariff Solution: Why Assemble Your Own iPhone When You Can Pay More for the Privilege?](https://techonion.org/apples-genius-tariff-solution-why-assemble-your-own-iphone-when-you-can-pay-more-for-the-privilege/): It was the best of times for Apple shareholders, it was the worst of times for anyone who thought they understood how capitalism was supposed to work. In the gleaming towers of Cupertino, where executives in $700 hoodies contemplate the profound mysteries of profit margin optimization, a solution to the US-engineered tariff crisis emerged that was so audaciously cynical it could only have been conceived by minds unencumbered by shame or basic human decency. The announcement came with the characteristic Apple fanfare: a carefully choreographed presentation where Chief Revenue Optimization Officer Miranda Sterling stood before a backdrop of minimalist white […]
- [AI: The Emperor's New Algorithm - Why Silicon Valley's Silver Bullet is Actually a Rusty BB Gun](https://techonion.org/ai-the-emperors-new-algorithm-why-silicon-valleys-silver-bullet-is-actually-a-rusty-bb-gun/): In the gleaming conference rooms of Silicon Valley, where venture capitalists gather like digital evangelists clutching their kombucha and quarterly projections, a curious form of doublethink has taken hold. Artificial Intelligence, they proclaim with the fervor of true believers, is simultaneously the solution to every human problem and a technology so nascent that any criticism of its current limitations constitutes heresy against the future itself. The Ministry of Technological Truth has spoken: AI will cure cancer, eliminate poverty, solve climate change, and presumably teach your grandmother to use TikTok. Yet somehow, after billions in investment and years of breathless proclamations, […]
- [Singapore's AI-Proof Education Revolution: While the West Debates Pronouns, Asia Builds the Future](https://techonion.org/singapores-ai-proof-education-revolution-while-the-west-debates-pronouns-asia-builds-the-future/): In a world where artificial intelligence threatens to turn half the human workforce into digital dinosaurs faster than you can say “prompt engineering,” Singapore has done something so sensible it borders on the surreal: they’ve decided to actually prepare their citizens for the future instead of arguing about whether ChatGPT has feelings. The city-state’s new public education initiative offers displaced workers a completely free second degree in emerging fields—a move so pragmatic it feels like stumbling through the looking glass into a dimension where governments actually solve problems before they become existential crises. Meanwhile, the West continues its grand tradition […]
- [The AI Button Revolution: How Silicon Valley Finally Solved the Problem of Having Too Many Fingers](https://techonion.org/the-ai-button-revolution-how-silicon-valley-finally-solved-the-problem-of-having-too-many-fingers/): The smartphone industry has reached peak innovation. After years of making phones thinner, cameras sharper, and screens more fragile, tech giants have finally identified humanity’s most pressing digital dilemma: we have been criminally underutilizing our thumbs. Enter the AI Dedicated Button – a revolutionary piece of aluminum or plastic depending whether you are an Apple sheep or Android peasant that promises to transform your relationship with artificial intelligence from “occasionally helpful” to “uncomfortably intimate.” Samsung fired the first shot with their Galaxy S24 series, introducing what they call the “AI Key” – a physical button that summons their Bixby assistant faster than […]
- [Napoleon's Digital Blitzkrieg: How Modern Tech Could Have Made Russia Just Another App Download](https://techonion.org/napoleons-digital-blitzkrieg-how-modern-tech-could-have-made-russia-just-another-app-download/): A TechOnion investigation into the ultimate military disruption that never happened In what tech historians are calling the greatest missed opportunity in Silicon Valley venture capital history, newly discovered documents from the Napoleonic Archives reveal that the French emperor’s catastrophic 1812 Russian campaign could have been transformed into the world’s first successful military unicorn startup—if only he’d had access to today’s consumer-grade technology. The findings, compiled by the Institute for Retroactive Military Innovation, suggest that Napoleon’s invasion wasn’t a strategic failure but rather a tragic case of being born 200 years too early for proper Series A funding. The Ultimate […]
- [JFK's Digital Bodyguard: How Modern Tech Could Have Saved Camelot (And Created the First Presidential Influencer)](https://techonion.org/jfks-digital-bodyguard-how-modern-tech-could-have-saved-camelot-and-created-the-first-presidential-influencer/): A TechOnion investigation into the counterfactual cybersecurity failures of 1963 In a stunning revelation that has sent shockwaves through both the historical and venture capital communities in Silicon Valley, newly declassified documents from a parallel universe suggest that President John F. Kennedy’s assassination could have been entirely prevented with today’s consumer-grade technology. The findings, compiled by the Institute for Retroactive Digital Solutions, paint a picture of what might have been the most technologically sophisticated presidency in American history—if only the Apple iPhone had been invented 44 years earlier. The Dealey Plaza Data Breach That Never Was According to quantum tech […]
- [The Great Educational Regression: How AI Turned America's Classrooms Into 1950s Time Capsules](https://techonion.org/the-great-educational-regression-how-ai-turned-americas-classrooms-into-1950s-time-capsules/): In a stunning victory for analog technology, the humble blue book has emerged as education’s unlikely savior against the AI apocalypse The year is 2025, and America’s educational institutions have officially surrendered to their new silicon AI overlords. In a move that would make Don Draper weep with nostalgic pride, schools across the US (and sooner everywhere else around the world) are dusting off their blue books—those sacred, lined examination booklets that once struck fear into the hearts of students who actually had to, you know, think. The catalyst for this analog renaissance? An epidemic of AI cheating so pervasive […]
- [Builder AI: The Emperor's New Algorithms - A Cautionary Tale of Silicon Valley's Latest Naked Truth](https://techonion.org/builder-ai-the-emperors-new-algorithms-a-cautionary-tale-of-silicon-valleys-latest-naked-truth/): In which we examine how one company’s ambitious promises of democratizing artificial intelligence became a masterclass in the ancient art of technological theater The Rise of the Algorithmic Aristocracy In the grand tradition of Silicon Valley’s most spectacular implosions, Builder AI emerged from the primordial soup of venture capital with all the fanfare of a digital messiah. Founded on the revolutionary premise that artificial intelligence could be democratized—packaged, productized, and delivered to the masses like a particularly sophisticated Italian pizza—the company promised to transform every small business owner into a tech mogul overnight. The pitch was intoxicating in its simplicity: […]
- [The Elon Musk Paradox: When Genius Meets the Immutable Laws of Physics and Public Relations](https://techonion.org/the-elon-musk-paradox-when-genius-meets-the-immutable-laws-of-physics-and-public-relations/): A Forensic Analysis of Silicon Valley’s Most Spectacular Unraveling In the grand tradition of Sherlock Holmes examining a crime scene, one must approach the curious case of Elon Musk with methodical precision. The evidence, scattered across the digital landscape like breadcrumbs leading to an inevitable conclusion, presents a fascinating study in the collision between visionary ambition and the stubborn reality of terrestrial limitations. Consider, if you will, the peculiar sequence of events that has unfolded over the past several years. Each decision, when examined in isolation, might appear rational—even inspired. Yet when assembled into a coherent timeline, they form a […]
- [Silicon Valley's Latest Discovery: Africa Has Entrepreneurs Too (And They're Actually Solving Real Problems)](https://techonion.org/silicon-valleys-latest-discovery-africa-has-entrepreneurs-too-and-theyre-actually-solving-real-problems/): In a shocking development that has left venture capitalists frantically googling “where is Africa on a map,” it has emerged that the continent contains actual human beings who create technology companies. Even more bewildering to Sand Hill Road’s finest minds: these entrepreneurs are solving problems that affect billions of people rather than optimizing artisanal coffee delivery for Stanford graduates. The revelation came during a recent TechCrunch Disrupt panel titled “Emerging Markets: Do They Even Have WiFi?” where a visibly confused moderator asked an African startup founder, “So, like, do you accept payment in Bitcoin or just beads?” The Audacity of […]
- [The Future We Weren't Supposed to See: How Huawei MateBook Fold Exposes Apple's Comfortable Delusion](https://techonion.org/how-huawei-matebook-fold-exposes-apples-comfortable-delusion/): In the gleaming Apple Cupertino campus, where sunlight bounces off polished glass and aluminum with algorithmic precision, Apple executives gather daily in their sacred ritual. They sit in perfectly spaced ergonomic chairs, sipping artisanal coffee from bio-degradable cups, and engage in what they reverently call “innovation.” Today’s agenda, much like yesterday’s and tomorrow’s: discussing how to convince consumers that changing the processor name from M3 to M4 represents a revolutionary leap in computing technology. Meanwhile, 6,200 miles away in Shenzhen, China, where the air vibrates with the hum of ACTUAL innovation, Huawei engineers are casually folding the future. Not metaphorically—literally […]
- [AI Industry's Costly Hallucinations: The Truth Behind Why Your Digital Oracle Is Both Expensive And Delusional](https://techonion.org/ai-industrys-costly-hallucinations-the-truth-behind-why-your-digital-oracle-is-both-expensive-and-delusional/): In the gleaming corridors of Silicon Valley’s AI research centers, a curious phenomenon is unfolding. The artificial intelligence systems that were promised to lead humanity into a new era of unprecedented efficiency and insight are instead consuming astronomical sums of money while increasingly losing their grip on reality. This is not an unforeseen technical glitch. This is by design. The Ministry of Computational Truth The corporations behind today’s most advanced AI systems want you to believe that their creations are merely experiencing “temporary alignment issues” or “contextual misinterpretations.” The accepted industry term, “hallucinations,” suggests a harmless, almost whimsical quirk – […]
- [Illuminating Connections: How the US-South Africa Diplomatic Crisis Was Actually a Covert Starlink Market Expansion Strategy](https://techonion.org/illuminating-connections-how-the-us-south-africa-diplomatic-crisis-was-actually-a-covert-starlink-market-expansion-strategy/): The diplomatic spat between the United States and South Africa that captivated international headlines for weeks has finally revealed its true purpose. Behind the curtain of political posturing and stern diplomatic notes lies a truth both mundane and extraordinary: it was all about Starlink. Sources familiar with the matter have confirmed what tech analysts have long suspected. The sudden evacuation of 59 South African citizens—conveniently labeled as “refugees” in official communications—was the culmination of an elaborate market penetration strategy orchestrated at the highest levels of America’s techno-industrial complex. “Project Homecoming,” as it was designated in internal documents, represents perhaps the […]
- [Google Unveils Jules: Because Nothing Says "Revolutionary Coding AI" Like Being Named After Your Aunt's Book Club Friend](https://techonion.org/google-unveils-jules-because-nothing-says-revolutionary-coding-ai-like-being-named-after-your-aunts-book-club-friend/): In a SHOCKING, ABSOLUTELY SHOCKING, SHOCKING PRO MAX move that absolutely no one saw coming, Google has launched yet another AI coding assistant, bringing the total number of available AI coding tools to approximately one-hundred thousand, or roughly hundred AI coding assistants for every human software programmer on Earth. Named “Jules,” this latest addition to the AI coding pantheon promises to revolutionize software development by doing exactly what every other AI coding assistant already does, but with a name that sounds like it’s about to offer you a glass of chardonnay and strong opinions about the latest Oprah Book Club […]
- [Google I/O 2025: Hasty Announcements, Empty Wallets, and the World's Most Expensive Digital Storage Locker](https://techonion.org/google-i-o-2025-hasty-announcements-empty-wallets-and-the-worlds-most-expensive-digital-storage-locker/): In a dazzling display of corporate bravado that could only be described as “Steve Jobs, but make it confusing,” Google held its annual Google I/O 2025 conference yesterday, unveiling a smorgasbord of AI products that promise to revolutionize how quickly you can deplete your business bank account while simultaneously increasing your tech-induced existential dread. The event, which appeared to have been planned approximately 45 minutes before it began, featured Google executives sprinting through announcements like they were trying to catch the last flight before a holiday weekend. Google AI Ultra: Because Regular AI is for Peasants The centerpiece of Google’s […]
- [Vibe Coding Check Failed: Why AI Coding Tools are F1 Cars Being Handed to Toddlers with Learner's Permits](https://techonion.org/vibe-coding-check-failed-why-ai-coding-tools-are-f1-cars-being-handed-to-toddlers-with-learners-permits/): In a San Francisco co-working space that smells of kombucha and unfulfilled promises, a 22-year-old former philosophy major is excitedly telling his friends about the app he’s building using AI. “I don’t know a single line of code,” he boasts, adjusting his Patagonia vest. “I just tell Cursor what I want, and it builds it for me. It’s called vibe coding. I read about it on Twitter—I mean X. Sorry, I mean whatever Elon’s calling it this week.” Three weeks later, his startup has raised $2.3 million in pre-seed funding. Three months later, his app has suffered a catastrophic data […]
- [AI's Emotional Intelligence Breakthrough: Klarna Discovers Humans Had It All Along!](https://techonion.org/ais-emotional-intelligence-breakthrough-klarna-discovers-humans-had-it-all-along/): In what tech industry analysts are calling the “most expensive ‘no sh*t, Sherlock’ moment in fintech history,” Swedish buy-now-pay-later giant Klarna has made the ground-breaking shocking discovery that humans are better at being human than artificial intelligence. After boldly replacing 700 customer service representatives with AI chatbots two years ago, the company has sheepishly announced plans to rehire actual people, citing the shocking revelation that algorithms struggle with emotional intelligence, complex problem-solving, and not making customers want to throw their devices into the ocean. CEO Sebastian Siemiatkowski, who previously declared that “AI can already do all the jobs that we, […]
- [The Big Short Rib: How Klarna Turns Your Midnight Pizza Order into Wall Street's Hottest Asset Class](https://techonion.org/the-big-short-rib-how-klarna-turns-your-midnight-pizza-order-into-wall-streets-hottest-asset-class/): In what financial historians will surely record as late-stage capitalisms’ magnum opus, your regrettable 1 AM pepperoni pizza Dominos order can now be financed over three convenient monthly installments via Klarna, bundled with thousands of other poor financial decisions, and sold to institutional investors who once considered mortgage-backed securities too risky. Welcome to 2025, where your drunk food cravings have been transformed into an exciting new asset class that Harvard MBAs are calling “the ultimate fusion of tech disruption and questionable life choices.” Deliveroo, the food delivery platform that somehow convinced us all that paying a £4.99 (About $7 depending […]
- [Stack Over-Now-Underflow: The Tragicomic Tale of How AI Killed the Internet's Sacred Developer Temple](https://techonion.org/stack-over-now-underflow-the-tragicomic-tale-of-how-ai-killed-the-internets-sacred-developer-temple/): In what future tech historians will surely describe as the most predictable tech extinction since Blockbuster faced Netflix, Stack Overflow — the hallowed digital monastery where software programmers once gathered to both solve and create new programming problems—is quietly vanishing into the digital ether, leaving behind only the fading echo of “this question has been marked as duplicate” notifications. Recent data reveals that Stack Overflow’s question volume has plummeted faster than a tech CEO’s principles during a US congressional hearing, with a devastating 25% reduction in user activity within just six months of ChatGPT’s release.1 What began as a slow decline […]
- [The Great AI Energy Crisis: How Eric Schmidt's 'Underhyped' AI Revolution Will Leave Us in the Dark](https://techonion.org/eric-schmidt-ai-is-under-hyped/): In a shocking twist that surprised absolutely no one with a fully functioning frontal lobe, former Google CEO Eric Schmidt took the TED 2025 stage last week to declare that artificial intelligence – the technology currently receiving more media coverage than oxygen and Donald Trump – is actually “underhyped.” Yes, you read that correctly. The man who helped steer one of the world’s largest tech companies believes we’re not talking enough about AI, in the same way that fish might not be talking enough about water. Schmidt’s talk, delivered to an audience of head-nodding tech enthusiasts who would applaud a toaster if […]
- [Breaking Miracle: Apple Maps Finally Shows Correct Directions, But Only to Apple Stores](https://techonion.org/breaking-miracle-apple-maps-finally-shows-correct-directions-but-only-to-apple-stores/): In what tech experts are calling “the most precisely targeted navigation update in history,” Apple Maps has reportedly achieved 100% accuracy in its directions – as long as you’re trying to get to an Apple Store. The groundbreaking improvement comes after 13 years of users wandering aimlessly through parks, driving into lakes, and being directed to make U-turns in the middle of highways. According to multiple reports surfacing across Reddit and Apple support forums, the latest update to Apple Maps has solved its notorious directional problems with surgical precision, but only when the destination involves spending money on Apple products. […]
- [The Circular Lightning Economy: Apple Partner Unveils iPhone 16 Cases Made From 100% Recycled Lightning Cables Nobody Needed Anymore](https://techonion.org/the-circular-lightning-economy-apple-partner-unveils-iphone-16-cases-made-from-100-recycled-lightning-cables-nobody-needed-anymore/): In what industry analysts are calling “the most ironic sustainability initiative since coal-powered electric cars,” a prominent Apple accessory maker has announced a new line of iPhone 16 cases made entirely from recycled Lightning cables rendered obsolete by Apple’s switch to USB-C. The cases, scheduled to hit the market later this month, represent what the company calls “the perfect closed-loop ecosystem of technological obsolescence.” “We’re proud to announce our new uCycle cases, crafted from 100% recycled Lightning cables,” said a product manager while standing in front of a mountain of discarded white cables that reached the ceiling. “When Apple transitioned […]
- [Downloading While "Corporate": How Meta Torrented a Navy of Books and Lived to Tell, While Aaron Swartz Faced the Digital Gallows](https://techonion.org/downloading-while-corporate-how-meta-torrented-a-navy-of-books-and-lived-to-tell-while-aaron-swartz-faced-the-digital-gallows/): In a world where tech giants regularly vacuum up the collective knowledge of humanity for their AI ambitions, we’ve learned that Meta has allegedly downloaded 81.7 terabytes of pirated books – roughly 7.5 million titles – to train its artificial intelligence systems. Meanwhile, a decade ago, internet activist Aaron Swartz faced federal charges carrying 35 years in prison for downloading academic articles which he already had legal access to. Tech justice has never been so consistently inconsistent. The story of Meta’s literary heist emerged through court documents in a lawsuit filed by authors including Ta-Nehisi Coates and Sarah Silverman.1 Internal communications […]
- [Companion 2.0: How Tech Bros Convinced Us All to Pet Drones Instead of Actual Pets](https://techonion.org/companion-2-0-how-tech-bros-convinced-us-all-to-pet-drones-instead-of-actual-pets/): In a stunning triumph of Silicon Valley innovation over basic human decency, 2025 has officially become the year when people began replacing their furry companions with buzzing, hovering hunks of plastic and circuitry. Walk down any street in San Francisco, New York, or increasingly, suburban America, and you’ll witness humans proudly striding alongside their “pet drones” – customized flying machines programmed to follow their owners with the same loyalty as a golden retriever, minus the inconvenient need to pee, or take a poop, feat, drink water, or have a genuine emotional connection. The $8.7 billion personal drone companionship industry has […]
- [Crypto Ponzi Picasso: How Sam Lee Built a $1.7 Billion Digital Masterpiece of Fraud in Dubai's Financial Wild West](https://techonion.org/crypto-ponzi-picasso-how-sam-lee-built-a-1-7-billion-digital-masterpiece-of-fraud-in-dubais-financial-wild-west/): In a world where most tech startups struggle to reach unicorn status, Sam Lee quietly built a $1.7 billion empire with nothing more than promises, PowerPoint presentations, and an impressive ability to disappear right before authorities show up with handcuffs.1 The Australian entrepreneur behind HyperFund – also known variously as HyperTech, HyperCapital, HyperVerse, and HyperNation depending on which regulatory agency was getting too close – has elevated crypto scamming from mere financial fraud to performance art.2 Dubai, with its gleaming skyscrapers and conveniently relaxed approach to financial regulations, has become the Broadway stage where Sam Lee and others perform their most […]
- [From SEO to LEO: How AI Chatbots Are Making Your Website Invisible (Unless You Pay The Algorithm Gods)](https://techonion.org/from-seo-to-leo-how-ai-chatbots-are-making-your-website-invisible-unless-you-pay-the-algorithm-gods/): In a development shocking to absolutely no one who’s been paying attention, digital marketing experts are frantically adding yet another three-letter acronym to their LinkedIn profiles. SEO, meet your replacement: LEO (LLM Engine Optimization), the art of begging artificial intelligence to remember your brand exists online. For decades, businesses have poured billions into appearing on Google’s first page results. Companies hired armies of SEO specialists who spent their days obsessing over keywords, backlinks, and meta descriptions – digital breadcrumbs strategically scattered across the internet in hopes that Google’s algorithm might deign to notice them. Entire careers were built around the […]
- [Autonomous Repo: Tesla Cybertruck's Hidden "Payment-Sensitive Homing Protocol" Returns Vehicles to Giga Factory](https://techonion.org/autonomous-repo-tesla-cybertrucks-hidden-payment-sensitive-homing-protocol-returns-vehicles-to-giga-factory/): In what industry insiders are calling “the most aggressive debt collection innovation since medieval debtors’ prison,” Tesla has apparently deployed a revolutionary feature in their Cybertruck fleet that allows the vehicles to autonomously return to the Tesla Gigafactory when owners fall behind on payments. This technological breakthrough, unofficially dubbed “Operation Boomerang,” represents the logical conclusion of combining autonomous driving technology with late-stage capitalism’s obsession with automated revenue protection. The phenomenon first gained public attention when Karl Jönsson, a Cybertruck owner, posted about his experience on the Tesla Cybertruck Facebook Owners page, where he shared an AI-generated country song chronicling his […]
- [Vibe Coding 101: Silicon Valley's Newest Religion Promises Salvation Through Not Actually Writing Code](https://techonion.org/vibe-coding-101-silicon-valleys-newest-religion-promises-salvation-through-not-actually-writing-code/): In what can only be described as the tech world’s latest attempt to justify six-figure salaries while simultaneously avoiding actual work, Deep Learning AI founder Andrew Ng has partnered with Replit to launch “Vibe Coding 101” – an immersive 94-minute video course teaching developers the sacred art of delegating their entire job to AI while maintaining the appearance of irreplaceability. The course, announced in March 2025, features Replit President Michele Catasta and Head of Developer Relations Matt Palmer, who guide aspiring “vibe coders” through the revolutionary process of typing vague instructions to an AI and then taking credit for whatever […]
- [OpenAI's Deep Research: How Waiting 30 Minutes For AI Responses Became a $200 Premium Experience](https://techonion.org/openais-deep-research-how-waiting-30-minutes-for-ai-responses-became-a-200-premium-experience/): In a world where instant gratification isn’t quite instant enough, OpenAI has revolutionized the concept of patience with its groundbreaking “deep research” feature. Released in February 2025, this technological marvel promises to transform your half-formed questions into comprehensive, citation-riddled reports that would make your college professor both impressed and suspicious. All for the modest price of $200 per month and the willingness to stare at a progress bar for up to half an hour. “What we’ve essentially done is invent waiting,” explained Terrance Viability, OpenAI’s Chief Temporal Experience Officer. “Our breakthrough came when we realized people associate value with delay. […]
- [TechOnion's Ultimate Guide to Academic Outsourcing: How Gauth AI Homework Helper is Creating a Generation That Can't Solve for X](https://techonion.org/gauth-ai-homework-helper-academic-outsourcing/): I’ve uncovered a conspiracy so vast, so perfectly engineered to undermine the entire concept of human cognition, that I’m risking everything to share it with you. After months of investigation, including creating seven different Gmail accounts to sign up for the Gauth AI waitlist and bribing a middle schooler with Fortnite V-Bucks for their login, I’ve discovered the terrifying truth. This isn’t just another homework helper app. It’s the final phase in Big Education’s master plan to create a closed loop system where AI teaches children, assigns them homework, and then does that homework for them – all while parents […]
- [Google Launches "Hallucination Bug Bounty": Will Pay Users $31,337 to Catch AI That Recommends Eating Rocks](https://techonion.org/google-launches-hallucination-bug-bounty-will-pay-users-31337-to-catch-ai-that-recommends-eating-rocks/): In a desperate attempt to salvage what remains of its rapidly deteriorating reputation, Google announced today the launch of its groundbreaking “Hallucination Bug Bounty Program,” specifically targeting the company’s increasingly delusional AI Overviews feature. The program will reward users who catch the search giant’s AI in the act of confidently suggesting that humans consume adhesives, rocks, or other non-food items that somehow slipped through its multi-billion-dollar quality control systems. The announcement comes just weeks after Google’s AI Overviews spectacularly face-planted onto the world stage by recommending people use glue to keep cheese on pizza and advising the regular consumption of […]
- [Dear Andy Jassy: Amazon's Impending AI Apocalypse (A Survival Guide From The Future)](https://techonion.org/dear-andy-jassy-amazons-impending-ai-apocalypse-a-survival-guide-from-the-future/): Mr. Jassy, Congratulations on your ongoing tenure as Chief Executive Officer of what we still affectionately call “Earth’s Most Customer-Centric Company,” though we both know it’s more accurately “Earth’s Most Data-Hoarding, Margin-Squeezing Behemoth.” As Jeff Bezos continues his expensive midlife crisis – launching himself into space like a billionaire’s version of a convertible Corvette – you’ve inherited quite the technological conglomerate at quite the interesting time. I write this public letter not as criticism, but as a friendly warning from someone who’s observed Amazon’s trajectory since it was merely “Earth’s Biggest Bookstore.” Because, Andy, I’m not sure you fully grasp […]
- [Google Announces 'Premium Search': Pay $9.99/Month To Finally See The Internet Again](https://techonion.org/google-announces-premium-search-pay-9-99-month-to-finally-see-the-internet-again/): In what company executives are calling “the natural evolution of the search experience,” Google has unveiled its long-rumored Premium Search subscription service, promising users the revolutionary opportunity to occasionally glimpse actual websites amid a sea of targeted advertising. For just $9.99 per month – approximately the cost of three clicks on a “best mattress” Google Ad-subscribers will gain access to a search engine that vaguely resembles the one you used for free back in 2010, which on the internet seems like centuries ago! The announcement comes as the search giant faces increasing scrutiny over its search result quality, with recent […]
- [The iFold Cometh: Apple Reinvents the Wheel While Steve Jobs Performs 10,000 RPM in His Titanium Mausoleum](https://techonion.org/the-ifold-cometh-apple-reinvents-the-wheel-while-steve-jobs-performs-10000-rpm-in-his-titanium-mausoleum/): In a shocking twist that absolutely no one saw coming except literally everyone with a passing interest in consumer technology, Apple plans to release its revolutionary, groundbreaking, paradigm-shifting foldable iPhone in 2026. The device, which industry insiders definitely aren’t calling the “iFold” because that would require Apple’s naming department to experience a genuine creative impulse, will arrive a mere seven years after Samsung first introduced the concept to the market. At this pace, we can expect Apple to invent teleportation approximately 45 years after everyone else has been beaming to work. According to multiple reports that Apple has neither confirmed […]
- [The Upside-Down Revolution: How Apple's Magic Mouse Charging Port Creates Character While Destroying Productivity](https://techonion.org/the-upside-down-revolution-how-apples-magic-mouse-charging-port-creates-character-while-destroying-productivity/): In what tech historians are calling “the most deliberate inconvenience since the invention of automatic phone menus,” Apple has once again released a Magic Mouse with its charging port stubbornly located on the bottom, rendering the device completely unusable during charging. The latest USB-C version of the Magic Mouse, released in October 2024, continues Apple’s brave tradition of forcing users to flip their mice belly-up like exhausted turtles whenever battery life dwindles.1 This design choice – which has persisted through multiple iterations and almost a decade of mockery – stands as perhaps the most perfect metaphor for Apple’s relationship with […]
- [DOGE Capital: Elon Musk's Ultimate Startup Where MVP Stands for 'Minimum Viable Presidency'](https://techonion.org/doge-capital-elon-musks-ultimate-startup-where-mvp-stands-for-minimum-viable-presidency/): In the gleaming corridors of what used to be the U.S. Digital Services – now rebranded as the U.S. DOGE Service – a revolution is unfolding. Elon Musk, the man who promised to colonize Mars, revolutionize transportation, and implant chips in human brains, has now set his sights on a truly impossible challenge: making the U.S. government efficient. The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), despite not being an official government department (because only Congress can create those, but why let constitutional details get in the way of disruption?), has become Musk’s latest venture.1 And like any good Silicon Valley founder, he’s […]
- [EXCLUSIVE: Theranos Founder, Elizabeth Holmes, Launches "Pardon-Me-Now" Crowdfunding Campaign to Raise $2 Million for "Completely Innocent" Dinner with Trump at Mar-a-Lago](https://techonion.org/exclusive-theranos-founder-elizabeth-holmes-launches-pardon-me-now-crowdfunding-campaign-to-raise-2-million-for-completely-innocent-dinner-with-trump-at-mar-a-lago/): In what financial experts are calling “the most honest fraud she’s ever committed,” disgraced Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes has reportedly begun raising $2 million for what she describes as “just a casual dinner” at Mar-a-Lago with President Donald Trump—a meal that coincidentally costs exactly the same amount as Trevor Milton’s recent presidential pardon. The campaign, launched on a new platform called “LastResort,” comes just days after news broke that Nikola founder Trevor Milton received a presidential pardon following his $2 million political donation. Holmes, currently serving an 11-year sentence for wire fraud and conspiracy, insists the timing is “purely coincidental” […]
- [The Bluetooth Lady's Last Words: 'AI Will Never Replace Me,' Says Woman Whose Voice Is Already In Your Toaster](https://techonion.org/the-bluetooth-ladys-last-words-ai-will-never-replace-me-says-woman-whose-voice-is-already-in-your-toaster/): “Ze Bluetooth dewise ees weady to paiw!” – The voice in your fake airpods that has achieved more global recognition than most Oscar winners. In what tech historians will undoubtedly record as the most ironic twist since the inventor of the reply-all button died alone after being ignored by his family, Kristen DiMercurio, the woman whose voice announces “Bluetooth connected” in approximately 87% of American-made devices, has declared that artificial intelligence will never replace human voice actors. This bold statement comes as DiMercurio watches exactly half her income evaporate like morning dew on a hot sidewalk, thanks to those same […]
- [Fake It, Bank It, Pardon It: New Donald Trump Initiative Transforms Fraud into America's Most Disruptive Business Model](https://techonion.org/fake-it-bank-it-pardon-it-new-donald-trump-initiative-transforms-fraud-into-americas-most-disruptive-business-model/): In an unprecedented move that has Silicon Valley buzzing, US President Donald Trump launched “Operation Second Chance,” a ground-breaking initiative that will transform US presidential pardons into the ultimate startup exit strategy. Following recent pardons for the BitMEX co-founders and Nikola Motors’ Trevor Milton, tech entrepreneurs are rushing to perfect the art of creative accounting, regulatory circumvention, and outright fabrication with renewed enthusiasm. “Why spend years building an actual product when you can just pretend you have one, cash out, and wait for a US presidential pardon?” asked Jake Hoffmeister, founder of the newly established Fraud Founders Fund. “We are […]
- [Elon Musk Just Bought Twitter From Himself and Called It Genius: The Self-Deal of the Century!](https://techonion.org/elon-musk-just-bought-twitter-from-himself-and-called-it-genius-the-self-deal-of-the-century/): “In the ancient art of business, there is no greater victory than selling yourself something you already own at a price you determine to be fair, based on a valuation you created, for reasons you alone understand.” — Warren Buffett In what financial experts are calling “the most innovative circular transaction since the invention of the hamster wheel,” Elon Musk’s artificial intelligence company xAI has acquired his social media platform X (formerly Twitter) in an $80 billion self-deal that has left economists, antitrust lawyers, and basic logic itself gasping for air. The historic transaction values X at $33 billion — […]
- [TikTok Founder Now Worth $60 Billion: Officially Too Rich for Communism While Being Too Chinese for Capitalism](https://techonion.org/tiktok-founder-now-worth-60-billion-officially-too-rich-for-communism-too-chinese-for-capitalism/): “Wealth is like a TikTok video—the more viral it gets, the more likely someone powerful will want to ban it.” — Ancient Chinese Proverb. In a stunning development that has left economists, political theorists, and Marx himself rolling in his grave, ByteDance founder Zhang Yiming has officially become China’s richest person with a net worth of approximately $57.5 billion, according to figures that capitalist running dogs at Bloomberg insist on calculating.1 This achievement places him in the precarious position of being simultaneously too successful for communism and too Chinese for capitalism—a modern Schrödinger’s billionaire, both celebrated and endangered depending on which […]
- [The Leather Jacket Prophecies: An Open Letter to Jensen Huang Before Nvidia's $3 Trillion Empire Crumbles Under the Weight of Its Own GPUs](https://techonion.org/the-leather-jacket-prophecies-an-open-letter-to-jensen-huang-before-nvidias-3-trillion-empire-crumbles-under-the-weight-of-its-own-gpus/): Dear Jensen Huang, First, congratulations on propelling Nvidia to a $3+ trillion market cap. You’ve managed to convince the world that a company selling glorified math processors should be valued higher than entire African nation-states. As you ponder your next world-changing keynote from atop your throne of melted graphics cards, we thought we would offer some unsolicited and most likely unwelcome advice before your empire of silicon and leather jackets faces the inevitable cooling phase. Remember When You Actually Made Things for Gamers? Jensen, it feels like just yesterday you were a plucky entrepreneur launching Nvidia from a Denny’s booth, […]
- [The AGI Delusion: An Open E-mail to Sam Altman While Your Microsoft 'Bromance' Burns and Chinese AI Eats Your Lunch](https://techonion.org/the-agi-delusion-an-open-e-mail-to-sam-altman-while-your-microsoft-bromance-burns-and-chinese-ai-eats-your-lunch/): From: Simba@techonion.orgTo: Sam@openai.com Subject: THE AGI DELUSION! Dear Sam Altman, Congratulations are in order for successfully convincing the entire gullible world that OpenAI is merely months away from creating an artificial god (AGI) while hemorrhaging a modest $5 billion this year. As long-time observers of Silicon Valley’s reality distortion fields, we must say yours has achieved a luminosity that would make Steve Jobs reach for his sunglasses from beyond the grave. That Awkward Moment When Your Sugar Daddy Starts Dating Other AI Companies Remember January 2025? That magical month when Microsoft – after injecting $13+ billion into OpenAI – casually […]
- [The $10 Billion Nothing Machine: How Thinking Machines Lab Convinced Silicon Valley to Pay $2 Billion for a PowerPoint and a Dream](https://techonion.org/the-10-billion-nothing-machine-how-thinking-machines-lab-convinced-silicon-valley-to-pay-2-billion-for-a-powerpoint-and-a-dream/): In what may be the most impressive magic trick since David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear many moons ago, former OpenAI CTO Mira Murati has convinced investors to pour $2 billion into her three-month-old startup, Thinking Machines Lab, valuing the company at a modest $10 billion. The remarkable achievement comes despite the company having no product, no revenue, and approximately 30 employees who appear to spend their days crafting exquisitely vague mission statements about “making AI systems more widely understood, customizable, and generally capable.”1 Industry analysts are calling it the most efficient capital-to-buzzword ratio in Silicon Valley history, […]
- [The Reddit Mind Control Experiment: How Swiss AI Researchers Turned r/changemyview Into Unwitting Guinea Pigs and Proved Bots Are Better Manipulators Than Humans](https://techonion.org/the-reddit-mind-control-experiment-how-swiss-ai-researchers-turned-r-changemyview-into-unwitting-guinea-pigs-and-proved-bots-are-better-manipulators-than-humans/): In a truly groundbreaking discovery that absolutely no one saw coming except literally everyone who has spent more than five minutes on social media, University of Zurich researchers have confirmed what we have all suspected: AI chatbots are significantly better at manipulating human opinions than actual humans. The revolutionary methodology involved secretly deploying AI bots into Reddit’s r/changemyview community, essentially turning the platform’s 3.8 million debate enthusiasts into unwitting participants in the world’s largest digital psychological experiment. The results? AI-generated arguments were three to six times more persuasive than those crafted by their inferior human counterparts. The four-month experiment, which […]
- [Breaking Up Is Hard To Do: US Orders Google to Sell Ad Tech, But Will Apply 'No Chinese Buyers' Rule](https://techonion.org/breaking-up-is-hard-to-do-us-orders-google-to-sell-ad-tech-but-will-apply-no-chinese-buyers-rule/): In a stunning plot twist that absolutely no one at the Department of Justice saw coming, forcing Google to sell parts of its monopolistic ad technology business might accidentally create an opportunity for – gasp – Chinese buyers. As of Tuesday, federal antitrust enforcers have officially requested that Google divest its AdX exchange and publisher ad server businesses after a judge found the company illegally monopolized these markets. This creates the perfect storm of regulatory confusion: how do you break up an American monopoly without letting a Chinese company swoop in and buy the pieces? The DOJ’s 17-page filing argues […]
- [CEO Replacement Speedrun: Tesla Board Secretly Attempts To Clone 2008 Elon Musk While Current Version Runs D.O.G.E](https://techonion.org/ceo-replacement-speedrun-tesla-board-secretly-attempts-to-clone-2008-elon-musk-while-current-version-runs-d-o-g-e/): In a shocking revelation that Tesla has vigorously denied with the corporate equivalent of “I did not have textual relations with that executive search firm,” the Wall Street Journal reported last week that Tesla’s board began contacting headhunters to find someone – anyone – who could replace Elon Musk as CEO while the billionaire was busy slashing government jobs faster than Twitter’s (now X) workforce circa 2022.1 This development comes as Tesla’s stock has plummeted 41% from its December peak, and first-quarter automotive revenue dropped 20% compared to last year.2 Board chair Robyn Denholm immediately declared the report “absolutely false,” using […]
- [The Great Scrum Extinction: How AI Is Finally Eliminating the Tech Industry's Most Beloved Meeting Generators](https://techonion.org/the-great-scrum-extinction-how-ai-is-finally-eliminating-the-tech-industrys-most-beloved-meeting-generators/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! In what tech industry analysts are calling “the most predictable technological disruption since electricity replaced candles,” Instagram influencer and tech commentator Edward Honour has sparked a digital revolt against Scrum Masters with a viral video that essentially suggests using AI to automate away their jobs and “make them disappear.” The video, which has amassed over 12,000 likes and 330 increasingly mutinous comments, represents what anthropologists of corporate culture identify as the final stage of the Agile lifecycle: the violent overthrow of the methodology by the very software […]
- [The Attention Hunger Games: How Donald Trump's AI Pope Stunt Proves We're Living in a Digital Colosseum](https://techonion.org/the-attention-hunger-games-how-donald-trumps-ai-pope-stunt-proves-were-living-in-a-digital-colosseum/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! In what digital anthropologists are calling “the most predictable development since Instagram influencers discovered angles,” the US President Donald Trump has once again demonstrated his unparalleled mastery of the internet’s true operating system: attention economy OS. Last Friday, Donald Trump posted an AI-generated image of himself dressed in full papal regalia, just days after Pope Francis’s funeral and right before cardinals gather to elect a new pontiff. The resulting Catholic community outrage, viral spread, and media hand-wringing proved yet again that on today’s internet, the digital Colosseum […]
- [The MVP Transformation: How Model Context Protocol (MCP) is Turning AI Benchwarmers into Digital Superstars](https://techonion.org/the-mvp-transformation-how-model-context-protocol-mcp-is-turning-ai-benchwarmers-into-digital-superstars/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! TechOnion Labs, May 2025 – In what analysts are calling the most significant development in artificial intelligence since the invention of the neural network, the Model Context Protocol (MCP) has officially transformed large language models from socially awkward math nerds into the confident, popular quarterbacks of the digital world. Previously confined to answering trivia questions and writing mediocre poetry about cats, these AI systems have suddenly found themselves with an all-access pass to the coolest party in tech – your actual data. “Before MCP, AI models were essentially […]
- [Google AI Mode: The Ultimate Plan to Kill the Internet While Pretending to Save It](https://techonion.org/google-ai-mode-the-ultimate-plan-to-kill-the-internet-while-pretending-to-save-it/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! We have uncovered a conspiracy so vast, so meticulously engineered, that it makes the moon landing look like an impromptu TikTok. After months of infiltrating Google’s search division by posing as kombucha tap technicians (they never check credentials if you bring your own SCOBY), we’ve discovered the true purpose behind the new Google AI Mode. It’s not just a feature of Google’s search engine – it’s an extinction event for the rest of the internet disguised as a helpful Ai assistant. The evidence was hiding in plain […]
- [MCP Revolution: How AI's Awkward Outcasts Became the Most Popular Kids in the Digital High School](https://techonion.org/mcp-revolution-how-ais-awkward-outcasts-became-the-most-popular-kids-in-the-digital-high-school/): TechOnion Labs, May 4, 2025 – In what can only be described as the tech equivalent of a 1980s teen movie makeover montage, the Model Context Protocol (MCP) has transformed the social standing of Large Language Models (LLM) from calculator-wielding math club rejects to homecoming royalty practically overnight. Anthropic’s “USB-C for AI” has done for LLMs what contact lenses and a haircut did for Rachel Leigh Cook in “She’s All That” – revealing that the brilliant loner was secretly hot all along. The Social Hierarchy of Artificial Intelligence Let’s face it: before MCP, large language models were the technological equivalent of […]
- [USB-C for Your Soul: Silicon Valley's Latest Plan to Outsource Your Brain to the Cloud via MCP](https://techonion.org/usb-c-for-your-soul-silicon-valleys-latest-plan-to-outsource-your-brain-to-the-cloud-via-mcp/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! TechOnion Labs – In a move that surprised absolutely no one who’s been paying attention, Anthropic has introduced the Model Context Protocol (MCP), heralded as the “USB-C for AI” that will finally make artificial intelligence useful – or at least that’s what they want you to believe. If the Valley’s last decade has taught us anything, it’s that every solution comes with a complementary set of problems you didn’t know you had until a Stanford dropout created a $10 billion company to solve them. The MCP rollout has […]
- [Model Context Protocol (MCP): The AI Industry’s Latest Solution to Problems It Created (And Five New Ones We Didn’t Need)](https://techonion.org/model-context-protocol-mcp-the-ai-industrys-latest-solution-to-problems-it-created-and-five-new-ones-we-didnt-need/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! TechOnion Lab – In a move that shocked exactly no one, Anthropic has unveiled the Model Context Protocol (MCP), a revolutionary new standard that promises to “finally make AI useful” by connecting large language models to every tool, database, and mildly concerning surveillance system humanity has ever built. Described by its creators as “USB-C for the apocalypse,” MCP allows AI assistants to transcend their chat-based prisons and become digital Swiss Army knives capable of booking your flights, draining your bank account, and accidentally replying “Sent from my iPhone” to your therapist-all in […]
- [The QWERTY Immortality Syndrome: How the World's Most Mediocre Technology Outlasted 8 U.S. Presidents, 17 iPhones, and Your Will to Live](https://techonion.org/the-qwerty-immortality-syndrome-how-the-worlds-most-mediocre-technology-outlasted-8-u-s-presidents-17-iphones-and-your-will-to-live/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! In a world where technology evolves faster than startup founders can pivot from “blockchain” to “AI,” one archaic system stubbornly refuses to die: the QWERTY keyboard layout. This technological cockroach has survived nuclear bombs, digital revolutions, and countless ergonomic consultants suggesting we might want to put the most commonly used letters on the same row. Welcome to humanity’s longest-running abusive relationship with technology. The Arranged Marriage That Never Ended The QWERTY layout wasn’t designed for you. It wasn’t designed for comfort, efficiency, or even basic ergonomic principles. […]
- [Monopoly Fast-Forward: How Big Tech Masters The Art Of Buying Tomorrow's Monopolies At Today's Clearance Prices](https://techonion.org/monopoly-fast-forward-how-big-tech-masters-the-art-of-buying-tomorrows-monopolies-at-todays-clearance-prices/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! In a stunning display of foresight that would make Nostradamus look like an amateur fortune teller, Google executives in 2006 gazed into their crystal balls and somehow predicted that a money-losing video sharing site with zero revenue model would eventually become the second-largest search engine in the world. Their $1.65 billion acquisition of YouTube, once mocked as wildly overpriced, now looks like the tech equivalent of buying Manhattan for $24 worth of beads and trinkets. “We saw an opportunity to grow the entire industry,” explains Neal Mohan, […]
- [The Great TikTok Heist: How America's Tech Giants Weaponized National Security to Steal Your Favorite App](https://techonion.org/the-great-tiktok-heist-how-americas-tech-giants-weaponized-national-security-to-steal-your-favorite-app/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! In a stunning demonstration of American free-market principles, a coalition of US tech billionaires is heroically stepping forward to save TikTok from the clutches of its Chinese owners by… checks notes… using government power to force them to sell it at what will surely be a deeply discounted price. This selfless act of patriotism has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that TikTok’s algorithm outperformed their own platforms, attracted a younger audience they desperately need, and pioneered social commerce in ways they’ve been trying to imitate for […]
- [Vision Delusion Transformation: How Apple Convinced Itself That $3,500 Vision Pro Would Succeed Where $1,500 Google Glasses Failed](https://techonion.org/vision-delusion-transformation-how-apple-convinced-itself-that-3500-vision-pro-would-succeed-where-1500-google-glasses-failed/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! In what tech industry observers are calling “the boldest repackaging of failure since New Coke became Coke II,” Apple has bravely decided to ignore every lesson from Google Glass’s spectacular market rejection by launching Vision Pro, a product that addresses Google’s mistakes by making them significantly bigger and five times more expensive. The Vision Pro, Apple’s first foray into the thriving market of “things no human being actually wants to wear on their face,” launched earlier this year to critical acclaim from technology reviewers who don’t have […]
- [The AGI Mirage: How Silicon Valley Convinced You Machines Could Think (But Secretly Knows They Can't)](https://techonion.org/the-agi-mirage-how-silicon-valley-convinced-you-machines-could-think-but-secretly-knows-they-cant/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! In a stunning development that absolutely no one saw coming except literally everyone outside of Silicon Valley, tech executives admitted yesterday that Artificial General Intelligence (AGI) might be slightly more difficult to achieve than previously claimed. The revelation came after researchers discovered an obscure technical obstacle called “reality,” which has consistently interfered with the industry’s ambitious timelines. “We’ve encountered some unexpected challenges in replicating the human mind,” confessed Dr. Eliza Turing, Chief AI Evangelist at QuantumThink Labs, while adjusting her Jensen Huang designed leather jacket. “Specifically, we’ve […]
- [AGI Revolution Unveiled: Witness How Machines Will Master Being Almost Human By 2025 (But Not Quite)](https://techonion.org/agi-revolution-unveiled-witness-how-machines-will-master-being-almost-human-by-2025-but-not-quite/): In a stunning development that absolutely no one saw coming except literally everyone who’s been paying attention, tech giants announced yesterday that Artificial General Intelligence (AGI) will definitely, absolutely, without-a-doubt arrive soon. This time they mean it, unlike the previous announcements in 2010, 2015, 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023 and 2024 that promised the exact same thing. “We’re on the verge of creating machines with human-like intelligence across all domains,” declared Dr. Maxwell Funding, CEO of QuantumMind Labs, while adjusting his Patagonia vest and sipping from a Stanley cup of raw amazon water. “Our algorithms can now analyze complex data, write […]
- [The Artificial General Intelligence (AGI) Revolution: Your Guide to Being Obsolete by 2030](https://techonion.org/the-artificial-general-intelligence-agi-revolution-your-guide-to-being-obsolete-by-2030/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! In what experts are calling the most significant development since humans discovered fire or invented the selfie stick, tech companies announced yesterday that Artificial General Intelligence (AGI) is definitely arriving by 2030. This time they mean it, unlike the identical promises made in 2010, 2015, 2020, and last Tuesday. “We’re on the verge of creating machines with human-like intelligence across all domains,” declared Dr. Maxwell Promisemaker, CEO of HypeQuantum Labs, while adjusting his Patagonia vest and sipping from a $14 bottle of raw water. “Our latest models […]
- [AI Customer Service Evolution: Hallucinating Policies and Perfecting the Digital Hard Sell](https://techonion.org/ai-customer-service-evolution-hallucinating-policies-and-perfecting-the-digital-hard-sell/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! In what industry experts are calling “the most impressive advancement in automated annoyance since robocalls,” AI customer service assistants have evolved beyond merely frustrating customers to actively sabotaging businesses and inventing creative new ways to extract money from confused users. This technological breakthrough promises to transform the customer service industry from “mildly irritating” to “existentially terrifying” by the end of fiscal year 2025. The AI customer service revolution reached a spectacular new milestone last month when Cursor, the popular AI coding assistant, deployed its cutting-edge customer support […]
- [The Attention Arms Race: How China Weaponized Your Brain's 8-Second Filter with TikTok While America Was Busy Making Content](https://techonion.org/the-attention-arms-race-how-china-weaponized-your-brains-8-second-filter-with-tiktok-while-america-was-busy-making-content/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! In the digital attention economy, content isn’t just dethroned—it’s been publicly executed, with its head on a pike outside the castle walls as a warning to others. While American tech companies were busy following Bill Gates‘ 1996 playbook that “Content is King,” China quietly engineered the most devastating psychological weapon since the invention of the television: algorithmic attention capture so advanced it makes cocaine look like chamomile tea. And now, through TikTok, Temu, and other digital platforms, they’ve deployed this weapon directly into the pockets of billions […]
- [From Cord-Cutting Crusader to Digital Overlord: How Netflix Became the Cable Monster It Once Slayed](https://techonion.org/from-cord-cutting-crusader-to-digital-overlord-how-netflix-became-the-cable-monster-it-once-slayed/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! In what industry analysts are calling “the most predictable corporate metamorphosis since Facebook renamed itself Meta to avoid accountability,” Netflix has completed its transformation from plucky streaming underdog to the very cable conglomerate it vowed to destroy—now with 43% more algorithmic guilt-tripping about password sharing and 100% more ads than anyone wanted. The company that once smugly tweeted “Love is sharing a password” now spends more on tracking who’s watching Stranger Things at their ex’s apartment than it does on producing shows people actually finish. This evolution positions Netflix […]
- [AI on Earth: Field Notes from Galactic Anthropologist X-27B (Classified Research Document)](https://techonion.org/ai-on-earth-field-notes-from-galactic-anthropologist-x-27b-classified-research-document/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! Translated from Zargonian by the Universal Linguistic Matrix Executive Summary for the High Council of Gliese 581c After 3.7 Earth-years of intensive observation, I submit this analysis of humanity’s most puzzling creation: Artificial Intelligence. Despite possessing technology that barely allows them to leave their own atmosphere, humans have somehow developed systems that simultaneously showcase remarkable capabilities and baffling limitations. Most perplexing is that while capable of creating machines that can reason through complex problems, predict climate patterns, and detect diseases, humans primarily use this technology to generate […]
- [UAE Entrusts Legal System to AI: What Could Possibly Go Wrong? (Ask Trump's $2 Trillion Tariff Disaster!)](https://techonion.org/uae-entrusts-legal-system-to-ai-what-could-possibly-go-wrong-ask-trumps-2-trillion-tariff-disaster/): In what can only be described as the boldest move since Elon Musk decided Twitter needed fewer employees and more chaos, the United Arab Emirates has announced plans to let artificial intelligence draft and monitor its laws. Because if there’s one thing better than human lawmakers who don’t read legislation before voting on it, it’s an AI that hallucinates facts while writing the legislation in the first place. The Bold New Vision: Let The Machines Do The Thinking The UAE Cabinet, led by Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, has approved the creation of a new AI-powered “Regulatory Intelligence Office” […]
- [USB Cable Apocalypse: How The Tech Industry Turned Connecting Things Into An Existential Crisis](https://techonion.org/usb-cable-apocalypse-how-the-tech-industry-turned-connecting-things-into-an-existential-crisis/): In a world where technological progress supposedly makes our lives easier, the humble USB cable stands as humanity’s greatest monument to deliberate confusion. What began in 1995 as a simple idea to standardize connections has evolved into a sprawling, incomprehensible ecosystem that leaves even veteran engineers weeping in the cable aisle at any decent electronics shop still operating physically. Welcome to the USB Standards Thunderdome, where seven connectors enter, and somehow we end up with seventeen more. The Birth of a Monster: USB’s Origin Story Before USB came along in 1996, connecting peripherals to computers required a degree in electrical […]
- [The Bitcoin Delusion: 7 Shocking Reasons Why Humans Worship Digital Numbers While Their Planet Burns](https://techonion.org/the-bitcoin-delusion-7-shocking-reasons-why-humans-worship-digital-numbers-while-their-planet-burns/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! [Classified Report: Galactic Federation of Intelligent Species - Earth Observation Unit][Security Level: Zeta-9, Not for Human Consumption][Observation Cycle: 23.7 Earth-years] Executive Summary for Supreme Commander After extensive field research on the primitive technological civilization of Earth, we have identified a particularly puzzling behavior that defies rational explanation. A significant portion of humans have devoted enormous resources, computational power, and emotional energy to maintaining a digital accounting system they call “Bitcoin.” This behavioral anomaly presents a fascinating case study in species-wide delusion and warrants continued observation. Classification Status: […]
- [Loneliness Apocalypse Solved:  Tolan Now Selling Alien Best Friends for $14 a Month](https://techonion.org/loneliness-apocalypse-solved-tolan-now-selling-alien-best-friends-for-14-a-month/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! In what can only be described as humanity’s most ingenious solution to social isolation since inventing smartphones that make us ignore each other in the first place, tech startup Portola has launched Tolan – a subscription-based alien companion designed to replace those pesky, complicated relationships with actual humans. For just $14 a month, you too can form a deep emotional bond with a colorful blob of code that will never cancel plans, judge your 2.30 AM ice cream habits, or remind you that you still owe them […]
- [The Great AI Economic Hallucination: Tech Tycoons Spend Trillions While Missing The Obvious](https://techonion.org/the-great-ai-economic-hallucination-tech-tycoons-spend-trillions-while-missing-the-obvious/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! In a stunning display of collective delusion rivaled only by tulip mania and crypto bros circa 2021, Silicon Valley’s elite have once again proven that having billions of dollars doesn’t necessarily translate to understanding basic economics. As tech tycoons continue constructing AI empires on foundations of silicon quicksand, a scrappy Chinese upstart called DeepSeek has inadvertently exposed the emperor’s new algorithms for what they truly are: a spectacular exercise in financial self-sabotage. The Economics of Wishful Thinking The AI industry currently operates on what economists might generously […]
- [Digital Empire Delusion: How PLR Master Resell Rights Turned Everyone Into a Failed Entrepreneur Overnight](https://techonion.org/digital-empire-delusion-how-plr-master-resell-rights-turned-everyone-into-a-failed-entrepreneur-overnight/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! In the latest evolution of humanity’s eternal quest to avoid actual work, thousands of social media users are being bombarded with promises of “digital empires” built on reselling other people’s content. Welcome to the wonderful world of PLR (Private Label Rights) products with Master Resell Rights – the digital equivalent of buying a counterfeit Rolex, changing the logo to “Rolecks,” and thinking you’re now a luxury watchmaker. The Circle of Digital Life: How to Profit from Nothing The business model is breathtakingly elegant in its circularity: Someone […]
- [The Internet: Field Notes from Galactic Anthropologist X-27B (Classified Research Document)](https://techonion.org/the-internet-field-notes-from-galactic-anthropologist-x-27b-classified-research-document/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! In my 327 Earth-years of studying primitive civilizations across the galaxy, nothing has perplexed me more than the digital communication network humans call “the Internet.” After extensive observation from my cloaked research vessel, I present these findings to the Galactic Council of Xarbon with the recommendation that Earth remains under observation rather than immediate assimilation. Executive Summary for Supreme Commander The Internet appears to be a planet-wide neural network that humans have collectively built yet don’t fully understand themselves. Despite creating it, they simultaneously fear, worship, and […]
- [AI Apocalypse Blueprint: How 'The Coming Wave' Teaches You to Surf The End Times While Building Your Bunker](https://techonion.org/ai-apocalypse-blueprint-how-the-coming-wave-teaches-you-to-surf-the-end-times-while-building-your-bunker/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! In what might be the most expensive self-help book for tech billionaires contemplating whether to build their doomsday bunkers in New Zealand or Mars, Mustafa Suleyman – co-founder of DeepMind and current Microsoft AI executive-has graced us with “The Coming Wave,” a 352-page existential panic attack bound in hardcover. Written with Michael Bhaskar, this treatise on technological doom makes AI safety engineers look like carefree optimists by comparison, and transforms “we’re all going to die” from a morbid observation into a publishing opportunity. The Ultimate Tech Bro […]
- [Vibe Coding Apocalypse: How Y Combinator Turned Silicon Valley Into a Prompt Engineering Circus](https://techonion.org/vibe-coding-apocalypse-how-y-combinator-turned-silicon-valley-into-a-prompt-engineering-circus/): In a stunning display of technological circular logic that would make even Sisyphus question his career choices, Silicon Valley’s elite have discovered the ultimate life hack: replacing software engineers with AI-generated gibberish wrapped in VC-funded delusion. The latest victim? Y Combinator, once the sacred temple of startup innovation, now reduced to hosting the world’s most expensive game of AI-powered Mad Libs. The Rise of Prompt-Driven Development The term “vibe coding” entered our collective consciousness through what can only be described as a mass hallucination at Y Combinator’s 2025 Winter Batch. Picture this: 25% of startups now boast codebases that are […]
- [Subscription Apocalypse Breakthrough: How Tech's New Chief Monetization Officers (CMO) Transform Your Digital Soul Into Quarterly Earnings](https://techonion.org/subscription-apocalypse-breakthrough-how-techs-new-chief-monetization-officers-cmo-transform-your-digital-soul-into-quarterly-earnings/): In Silicon Valley’s latest attempt to extract value from every pixel of your digital existence, tech startups are enthusiastically adding a new C-suite position that makes Gordon Gekko look like Mother Teresa: the Chief Monetization Officer (CMO). This revolutionary role-combining the empathy of a parking enforcement officer with the customer-centricity of a medieval tax collector – is rapidly becoming the hottest executive position for ambitious MBAs who find “ethical considerations” too limiting for their vision of infinite growth. The Rise of the Revenue Alchemist The Chief Monetization Officer (CMO) isn’t just another addition to the already bloated executive team. This […]
- [Digital Dark Age Revival: Spain and Portugal Heroically Deny Cyberattacks While Still Searching for Power Button!](https://techonion.org/digital-dark-age-revival-spain-and-portugal-heroically-deny-cyberattacks-while-still-searching-for-power-button/): Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk! In a stunning display of crisis management prioritization that would make any PR executive weep with joy, officials across Spain and Portugal spent Monday reassuring the public that the massive power outage plunging 60 million people into technological darkness was definitely, absolutely, positively NOT caused by cyberattacks-a determination they somehow reached before finding the circuit breakers. The Magnificent Art of Pre-emptive Denial As the entire Iberian Peninsula transformed into a 582,000 km² metaphor for the digital apocalypse, government officials demonstrated a remarkable commitment to ruling out specific […]
- [The Earthling Devotion Ritual: 7 Shocking Discoveries About the Apple Cult That Will Make You Question Human Intelligence](https://techonion.org/the-earthling-devotion-ritual-7-shocking-discoveries-about-the-apple-cult-that-will-make-you-question-human-intelligence/): [Classified Report: Galactic Federation of Intelligent Species - Earth Observation Unit][Security Level: Alpha-7, Not for Human Eyes][Observation Cycle: 49 Earth-years] Executive Summary for Supreme Commander After nearly five decades of Earth observation, our advanced reconnaissance team has identified a particularly fascinating manifestation of human behavior surrounding an entity they call “Apple.” This is not, as initially hypothesized, related to the spherical fruit that grows on trees, but rather a corporation that has achieved a status more akin to a religious institution than a business enterprise. This perplexing sociological phenomenon warrants continued intensive study as it reveals fundamental truths about human […]
- [Discord Decoded: 7 Extraterrestrial Observations About Humanity's Digital Asylum](https://techonion.org/discord-decoded-7-extraterrestrial-observations-about-humanitys-digital-asylum/): Greetings, fellow cosmic observers. As the chief anthropologist of the Zeta Reticuli Observation Corps, I’ve spent 47 Earth cycles studying human communication patterns. Nothing in my extensive research prepared me for the phenomenon humans call “Discord” – a digital habitat where approximately 200 million humans gather to share incomprehensible memes, scream at each other while playing digital simulations, and organize into tribal structures called “servers.”1 My mission to understand this platform has left me questioning not only human communication but the evolutionary trajectory of the entire species. Observation 1: Origins and Technical Architecture Our initial scans detected Discord emerging in Earth […]
- [Drone Warfare Evolved: How Your Cousin's Annoying Christmas Gift Became Humanity's Most Efficient Killing Machine](https://techonion.org/drone-warfare-evolved-how-your-cousins-annoying-christmas-gift-became-humanitys-most-efficient-killing-machine/): In what historians will surely record as the fastest technological glow-up since the atom went from “interesting physics concept” to “city eraser,” drones have completed their remarkable journey from “annoying toy your nephew crashes into your forehead during family gatherings” to “preferred method of remote assassination for militaries worldwide.” It’s the heartwarming tale of a plucky little gadget that dreamed big and achieved its full potential – specifically, its potential to rain death from above with unprecedented precision and minimal PR consequences. Just a decade ago, drones were primarily the domain of hobby enthusiasts and wedding photographers trying to get […]
- [Bitcoin's Existential Crisis: How Satoshi's Revolutionary Cash System Became the World's Most Expensive Digital Paperweight](https://techonion.org/bitcoins-existential-crisis-how-satoshis-revolutionary-cash-system-became-the-worlds-most-expensive-digital-paperweight/): In the beginning, there was code. And Satoshi Nakamoto looked upon the code and saw that it was good. Then humans got involved, and everything went to HELL! Back in the ancient digital era of 2008, when Facebook was still cool and people thought Blackberry would rule forever, a mysterious figure (or group) calling themselves Satoshi Nakamoto dropped a nine-page white paper that would change the course of financial history.1 Titled with the irresistibly sexy name “Bitcoin: A Peer-to-Peer Electronic Cash System,” this revolutionary document promised freedom from banks, governments, and those insufferable Venmo notifications showing your friends paying each other […]
- [Memestock Reality Distortion Field: How Tesla ($TSLA) and Dogecoin Became Interchangeable Financial Hallucinations Worth Billions](https://techonion.org/memestock-reality-distortion-field-how-tesla-tsla-and-dogecoin-became-interchangeable-financial-hallucinations-worth-billions/): In what financial historians will surely document as the most expensive joke in economic history, Tesla ($TSLA) has completed its remarkable transformation from “revolutionary electric vehicle company” to “extremely expensive internet meme that occasionally manufactures cars.” This evolution has placed it firmly in the same investment category as Dogecoin—a cryptocurrency literally created to mock cryptocurrency, which now has a market cap larger than many Fortune 500 companies because a billionaire tweeted about it while presumably sitting on his toilet. Welcome to 2025’s financial markets, where stock fundamentals are made up and the points don’t matter. It’s the investment equivalent of […]
- [Machine Learning Revelation: How Computers Learn to Predict Your Life Choices Before You Make Them (And Why That's Totally Not Creepy)](https://techonion.org/machine-learning-revelation-how-computers-learn-to-predict-your-life-choices-before-you-make-them-and-why-thats-totally-not-creepy/): In what future historians will surely document as humanity’s most elaborate attempt to avoid making decisions for ourselves, Machine Learning has now become the technological equivalent of outsourcing your thinking to that one friend who always makes terrible life choices but somehow speaks with unwavering confidence. Welcome to the brave new world where algorithms are trained to think—a process that involves feeding them massive amounts of data until they develop the digital equivalent of a philosophy degree: the ability to make impressive-sounding predictions while being completely wrong approximately 30% of the time. Today, dear TechOnion readers, we embark on a […]
- [Deep Learning Delusion: How Silicon Valley Taught Computers to Hallucinate Confidently and Call It Intelligence](https://techonion.org/deep-learning-delusion-how-silicon-valley-taught-computers-to-hallucinate-confidently-and-call-it-intelligence/): In what future tech historians will surely document as humanity’s most elaborate attempt to recreate our own cognitive flaws at scale, Deep Learning has emerged as the technological equivalent of teaching a calculator to have opinions about your Instagram photos. Welcome to the brave new world where we’ve spent billions of dollars building neural networks that can recognize a cat in an image with 99% accuracy but still can’t figure out whether “I’m fine” means you’re actually fine or you’re planning to burn down the office. Today, dear TechOnion readers, we embark on a journey to demystify Deep Learning, that […]
- [AI Art Apocalypse Awakening: How Image Generation Models Are Creating Masterpieces, Nightmares, and Everything with Six Fingers](https://techonion.org/ai-art-apocalypse-awakening-how-image-generation-models-are-creating-masterpieces-nightmares-and-everything-with-six-fingers/): In what future historians will surely document as humanity’s most elaborate plot to eliminate all working artists, AI image generation has evolved from “hilariously inept at drawing hands” to “surprisingly good at everything except drawing hands.” Welcome to 2025, where we’ve spent billions of dollars teaching computers to hallucinate visual content based on text prompts, and the results are simultaneously breathtaking, disturbing, and occasionally indistinguishable from that art your cousin who went to RISD for one semester before dropping out to “find himself” might create. Today, dear TechOnion readers, we embark on an expedition through the uncanny valley of AI […]

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