In the gray, sterile halls of corporate power and the coffee-scented open-plan offices of venture-backed startups, a new language is spoken. It is a dialect of English, but one whose primary purpose is not to communicate information, but to obscure it. It is a language of profound, almost religious conviction, designed to create a reality […] More
It is a curious feature of the modern age that every belief system, no matter how ancient, eventually finds its way to Silicon Valley to be rebranded, optimized, and sold as a subscription service. We have seen it with mindfulness, stoicism, and a dozen other philosophies, all stripped of their context and turned into productivity […] More
The offices of TechOnion, much like the internet itself, possess a peculiar hum—a low-grade thrum of existential dread mixed with the scent of burnt coffee. It was upon this familiar frequency that the latest disturbance arrived, not with a bang, but with a tweet. Or rather, a series of tweets, a digital crime scene so […] More
Hark, what light from yonder data center breaks? It is the East, and Sam Altman is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon of gainful human employment, which is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her prophet, art far more fair than she. In the grand and tragic theatre of […] More
The morning begins not with an alarm clock, but with a gentle notification from Google’s proprietary Executive Optimization System, which has determined that Sundar Pichai’s optimal wake time today is 5:23 AM—precisely calculated based on global search trends, Gmail traffic patterns, and the current emotional state of Android users worldwide. The system, internally codenamed “Project […] More
In the peculiar realm of Silicon Valley, where logic often takes a backseat to whatever buzzword is trending on Product Hunt, a most curious phenomenon has emerged. Airtable, a company that has somehow convinced investors to part with $1.4 billion for what is essentially a very fancy spreadsheet, has decided that its nearly $400 million […] More
The curious case of artificial intelligence reasoning has taken a most peculiar turn. What began as a straightforward investigation into machine learning capabilities has evolved into something far more intriguing—and damning—for the entire edifice of Silicon Valley’s artificial general intelligence aspirations. The evidence, as it often does in matters of considerable import, emerged from the […] More
The transformation of Google Search from 2013 to 2025 represents one of the most elegant exercises in what might be called “progressive usability optimization”—a term that sounds beneficial until one examines what is actually being optimized, and for whom. In 2013, a Google search was a remarkably simple affair. You typed a query, and Google […] More
A deep dive into the digital transformation of Britain’s most entrepreneurial sector The alarm on Jack Blackwood’s iPhone 14 Pro Max chimes at precisely 6:47 AM, a time determined by his sleep optimization app after analyzing eighteen months of REM cycles, cortisol levels, and what the algorithm euphemistically terms “peak cognitive performance windows.” Jack isn’t […] More
In a move that would make even the most authoritarian regimes blush, tech executives are seriously considering implementing “Internet Operating Hours” to combat what they’re calling “chronic digital overconsumption disorder.” The proposal, which emerged from a closed-door summit at the Palo Alto Innovation Incubator last month, would see the entire internet—yes, all of it—operating on […] More
In a revelation that should make every Scrum Master question their life choices and every Product Owner reconsider their relationship with reality, the Empire State Building—all 102 floors and 1,454 feet of it—was constructed in a mere 410 days without a single sprint retrospective, daily standup, or color-coded Kanban board. This architectural marvel, completed in […] More
The curious case began, as most modern mysteries do, with a seemingly innocuous LinkedIn post. Dr. Marcus Chen, former TSMC engineer turned “AI Infrastructure Consultant,” had updated his status to “Helping democratize artificial intelligence through strategic hardware partnerships.” Within 48 hours, his DMs were flooded with inquiries from startup founders, defense contractors, and what appeared […] More
Enjoyed this dose of uncomfortable truth? This article is just one layer of the onion. My new book, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Prompt,” is the definitive survival manual for the AI age. It’s a guide to thriving in a world of intelligent machines by first admitting everything you fear is wrong (and probably your […] More
In what may be the most quintessentially British tragedy since someone suggested putting pineapple on a proper Sunday roast, a 67-year-old gentleman from Gloucestershire has reportedly lost £15,000 to an AI-generated deepfake romance scam featuring none other than Jennifer Aniston. The incident, which reads like a collaboration between Charlie Brooker and Richard Curtis after a […] More
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Simba the "Tech King"