In a bold move that answers the question absolutely no one was asking — “How can we make AI prohibitively expensive?” — Google has unveiled Google AI Ultra, a premium tier of artificial intelligence specifically designed for users who find regular AI embarrassingly affordable. The new offering, priced at what industry insiders describe as “approximately […] More
In a stunning development that makes “batteries not included” seem quaint by comparison, major AI companies have begun rolling out what industry insiders are calling “Bring Your Own Electricity” (BYOE) programs. These innovative initiatives promise to solve the crippling energy demands of artificial intelligence by elegantly shifting the burden from multi-billion-dollar corporations directly to you, […] More
In the gleaming headquarters of Silicon Valley’s tech giants, armies of Stanford-educated product managers obsess over microsecond load times, seamless cloud integration, and whether their app’s shade of blue evokes sufficient “trust and tranquility.” Meanwhile, across the African continent, half a billion people are happily using an app that looks like it was designed during […] More
In what has become a quarterly necessity for the tech industry, TechOnion presents our updated encyclopedia of Google’s AI products, initiatives, moonshots, fever dreams, and “definitely still supported” projects that have already been secretly marked for execution. This living document remains the only comprehensive record of Google’s increasingly fractal AI ecosystem, which now features more […] More
In a stunning revelation that has the entire tech industry frantically updating their LinkedIn profiles to include “lifelong gamer,” recent analysis shows that the $200 billion gaming industry might have already solved most of the problems Silicon Valley pretends to be inventing solutions for. While tech executives were busy pivoting from crypto to metaverse to […] More
In the annals of technological betrayal, few devices have so consistently exposed our most vulnerable moments as the modern microwave oven. While smartphones track our locations and smart speakers eavesdrop on our conversations, at least they have the decency to be discreet about it. The microwave, however, with its NATO air-raid-siren-level beeping, seems specifically engineered […] More
In a groundbreaking development that has redefined the very fabric of workplace surveillance, Microsoft Teams has quietly implemented what industry insiders are calling “Schrödinger’s Employee” technology. This cutting-edge system operates on the principle that workers exist in a quantum state of both productive and unproductive simultaneously, until observed by mouse cursor movement, at which point […] More
The alarm sounds at precisely 4:47 AM in Tim Cook’s minimalist Palo Alto residence—not 4:45, not 4:50, but 4:47, because Apple’s proprietary sleep optimization algorithm has determined this to be the exact moment when his circadian rhythms achieve peak disruption potential. The alarm itself is a custom-engineered frequency that simultaneously wakes him while subliminally reinforcing […] More
In the spirit of investigative journalism, we present this anonymous review from a self-described “independent pharmaceutical distribution specialist” operating in Greater Manchester, United Kingdom. The reviewer, who goes by “CryptoKevin,” claims to have tested dozens of messaging platforms in his quest for optimal “customer relationship management.” The modern pharmaceutical entrepreneur faces unprecedented challenges in today’s […] More
In a shocking development that continues to baffle Silicon Valley’s brightest minds, WhatsApp—an app that commits the cardinal sin of actually working as advertised—has achieved unprecedented dominance across Africa. This revolutionary approach of “making communication cheaper and more reliable” has somehow outperformed competing strategies like “adding unnecessary features until the app crashes” and “requiring unlimited […] More
It was the best of times for venture capitalists, it was the worst of times for anyone trying to understand why clicking a button to sign a document or schedule a meeting required a billion-dollar valuation. It was the age of digital transformation, it was the age of profound gullibility; it was the epoch of […] More
Down the rabbit hole of artificial intelligence development, where logic twists like a Möbius strip and common sense becomes as elusive as a Cheshire Cat’s grin, a most peculiar revelation has emerged from the looking glass of Silicon Valley. The path to artificial general intelligence, it turns out, was never about making machines smarter—it was […] More
There exists in the annals of Silicon Valley a most peculiar case—one that has baffled investors, regulators, and rational observers alike for the better part of two decades. It is the curious matter of Elon Musk, a man who has somehow convinced the world that he is simultaneously a rocket scientist, automotive pioneer, social media […] More
Enter your account data and we will send you a link to reset your password.
To use social login you have to agree with the storage and handling of your data by this website. %privacy_policy%
AcceptHere you'll find all collections you've created before.
Simba the "Tech King"