In which we examine the curious case of a country that can monitor oil pipelines with drones but apparently cannot predict when rivers might overflow It was a truth universally acknowledged that Nigeria, a nation possessed of considerable technological prowess, must be in want of applying said prowess to the preservation of human life. Yet […]
It was the best of times for Apple shareholders, it was the worst of times for anyone who thought they understood how capitalism was supposed to work. In the gleaming towers of Cupertino, where executives in $700 hoodies contemplate the profound mysteries of profit margin optimization, a solution to the US-engineered tariff crisis emerged that […]
In the gleaming conference rooms of Silicon Valley, where venture capitalists gather like digital evangelists clutching their kombucha and quarterly projections, a curious form of doublethink has taken hold. Artificial Intelligence, they proclaim with the fervor of true believers, is simultaneously the solution to every human problem and a technology so nascent that any criticism […]
In a world where artificial intelligence threatens to turn half the human workforce into digital dinosaurs faster than you can say “prompt engineering,” Singapore has done something so sensible it borders on the surreal: they’ve decided to actually prepare their citizens for the future instead of arguing about whether ChatGPT has feelings. The city-state’s new […]
The smartphone industry has reached peak innovation. After years of making phones thinner, cameras sharper, and screens more fragile, tech giants have finally identified humanity’s most pressing digital dilemma: we have been criminally underutilizing our thumbs. Enter the AI Dedicated Button – a revolutionary piece of aluminum or plastic depending whether you are an Apple sheep or […]
A TechOnion investigation into the ultimate military disruption that never happened In what tech historians are calling the greatest missed opportunity in Silicon Valley venture capital history, newly discovered documents from the Napoleonic Archives reveal that the French emperor’s catastrophic 1812 Russian campaign could have been transformed into the world’s first successful military unicorn startup—if […]
A TechOnion investigation into the counterfactual cybersecurity failures of 1963 In a stunning revelation that has sent shockwaves through both the historical and venture capital communities in Silicon Valley, newly declassified documents from a parallel universe suggest that President John F. Kennedy’s assassination could have been entirely prevented with today’s consumer-grade technology. The findings, compiled […]
In a stunning victory for analog technology, the humble blue book has emerged as education’s unlikely savior against the AI apocalypse The year is 2025, and America’s educational institutions have officially surrendered to their new silicon AI overlords. In a move that would make Don Draper weep with nostalgic pride, schools across the US (and […]
In which we examine how one company’s ambitious promises of democratizing artificial intelligence became a masterclass in the ancient art of technological theater The Rise of the Algorithmic Aristocracy In the grand tradition of Silicon Valley’s most spectacular implosions, Builder AI emerged from the primordial soup of venture capital with all the fanfare of a […]
A Forensic Analysis of Silicon Valley’s Most Spectacular Unraveling In the grand tradition of Sherlock Holmes examining a crime scene, one must approach the curious case of Elon Musk with methodical precision. The evidence, scattered across the digital landscape like breadcrumbs leading to an inevitable conclusion, presents a fascinating study in the collision between visionary […]
In a shocking development that has left venture capitalists frantically googling “where is Africa on a map,” it has emerged that the continent contains actual human beings who create technology companies. Even more bewildering to Sand Hill Road’s finest minds: these entrepreneurs are solving problems that affect billions of people rather than optimizing artisanal coffee […]
In the gleaming Apple Cupertino campus, where sunlight bounces off polished glass and aluminum with algorithmic precision, Apple executives gather daily in their sacred ritual. They sit in perfectly spaced ergonomic chairs, sipping artisanal coffee from bio-degradable cups, and engage in what they reverently call “innovation.” Today’s agenda, much like yesterday’s and tomorrow’s: discussing how […]
In the gleaming corridors of Silicon Valley’s AI research centers, a curious phenomenon is unfolding. The artificial intelligence systems that were promised to lead humanity into a new era of unprecedented efficiency and insight are instead consuming astronomical sums of money while increasingly losing their grip on reality. This is not an unforeseen technical glitch. […]
The diplomatic spat between the United States and South Africa that captivated international headlines for weeks has finally revealed its true purpose. Behind the curtain of political posturing and stern diplomatic notes lies a truth both mundane and extraordinary: it was all about Starlink. Sources familiar with the matter have confirmed what tech analysts have […]
In a SHOCKING, ABSOLUTELY SHOCKING, SHOCKING PRO MAX move that absolutely no one saw coming, Google has launched yet another AI coding assistant, bringing the total number of available AI coding tools to approximately one-hundred thousand, or roughly hundred AI coding assistants for every human software programmer on Earth. Named “Jules,” this latest addition to […]
In a dazzling display of corporate bravado that could only be described as “Steve Jobs, but make it confusing,” Google held its annual Google I/O 2025 conference yesterday, unveiling a smorgasbord of AI products that promise to revolutionize how quickly you can deplete your business bank account while simultaneously increasing your tech-induced existential dread. The […]
In a San Francisco co-working space that smells of kombucha and unfulfilled promises, a 22-year-old former philosophy major is excitedly telling his friends about the app he’s building using AI. “I don’t know a single line of code,” he boasts, adjusting his Patagonia vest. “I just tell Cursor what I want, and it builds it […]
In what tech industry analysts are calling the “most expensive ‘no sh*t, Sherlock’ moment in fintech history,” Swedish buy-now-pay-later giant Klarna has made the ground-breaking shocking discovery that humans are better at being human than artificial intelligence. After boldly replacing 700 customer service representatives with AI chatbots two years ago, the company has sheepishly announced […]
In what financial historians will surely record as late-stage capitalisms’ magnum opus, your regrettable 1 AM pepperoni pizza Dominos order can now be financed over three convenient monthly installments via Klarna, bundled with thousands of other poor financial decisions, and sold to institutional investors who once considered mortgage-backed securities too risky. Welcome to 2025, where […]
In what future tech historians will surely describe as the most predictable tech extinction since Blockbuster faced Netflix, Stack Overflow — the hallowed digital monastery where software programmers once gathered to both solve and create new programming problems—is quietly vanishing into the digital ether, leaving behind only the fading echo of “this question has been […]
In a shocking twist that surprised absolutely no one with a fully functioning frontal lobe, former Google CEO Eric Schmidt took the TED 2025 stage last week to declare that artificial intelligence – the technology currently receiving more media coverage than oxygen and Donald Trump – is actually “underhyped.” Yes, you read that correctly. The […]
In what tech experts are calling “the most precisely targeted navigation update in history,” Apple Maps has reportedly achieved 100% accuracy in its directions – as long as you’re trying to get to an Apple Store. The groundbreaking improvement comes after 13 years of users wandering aimlessly through parks, driving into lakes, and being directed […]
In what industry analysts are calling “the most ironic sustainability initiative since coal-powered electric cars,” a prominent Apple accessory maker has announced a new line of iPhone 16 cases made entirely from recycled Lightning cables rendered obsolete by Apple’s switch to USB-C. The cases, scheduled to hit the market later this month, represent what the […]
In a world where tech giants regularly vacuum up the collective knowledge of humanity for their AI ambitions, we’ve learned that Meta has allegedly downloaded 81.7 terabytes of pirated books – roughly 7.5 million titles – to train its artificial intelligence systems. Meanwhile, a decade ago, internet activist Aaron Swartz faced federal charges carrying 35 […]
In a stunning triumph of Silicon Valley innovation over basic human decency, 2025 has officially become the year when people began replacing their furry companions with buzzing, hovering hunks of plastic and circuitry. Walk down any street in San Francisco, New York, or increasingly, suburban America, and you’ll witness humans proudly striding alongside their “pet […]
In a world where most tech startups struggle to reach unicorn status, Sam Lee quietly built a $1.7 billion empire with nothing more than promises, PowerPoint presentations, and an impressive ability to disappear right before authorities show up with handcuffs.1 The Australian entrepreneur behind HyperFund – also known variously as HyperTech, HyperCapital, HyperVerse, and HyperNation depending […]
In a development shocking to absolutely no one who’s been paying attention, digital marketing experts are frantically adding yet another three-letter acronym to their LinkedIn profiles. SEO, meet your replacement: LEO (LLM Engine Optimization), the art of begging artificial intelligence to remember your brand exists online. For decades, businesses have poured billions into appearing on […]
In what industry insiders are calling “the most aggressive debt collection innovation since medieval debtors’ prison,” Tesla has apparently deployed a revolutionary feature in their Cybertruck fleet that allows the vehicles to autonomously return to the Tesla Gigafactory when owners fall behind on payments. This technological breakthrough, unofficially dubbed “Operation Boomerang,” represents the logical conclusion […]
In what can only be described as the tech world’s latest attempt to justify six-figure salaries while simultaneously avoiding actual work, Deep Learning AI founder Andrew Ng has partnered with Replit to launch “Vibe Coding 101” – an immersive 94-minute video course teaching developers the sacred art of delegating their entire job to AI while […]
In a world where instant gratification isn’t quite instant enough, OpenAI has revolutionized the concept of patience with its groundbreaking “deep research” feature. Released in February 2025, this technological marvel promises to transform your half-formed questions into comprehensive, citation-riddled reports that would make your college professor both impressed and suspicious. All for the modest price […]
