Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her laptop, having nothing to do. Once or twice she had peeped into the AI chatbot her company had purchased for $20,000 per month, but it had no pictures or conversations worth having—”And what is the use of artificial intelligence,” thought Alice, “without pictures or … Read more
It was the best of times for Apple shareholders, it was the worst of times for anyone who actually wanted their iPhone to survive a gentle breeze. In the gleaming towers of Cupertino, where the air is thick with the scent of liquid courage and premium pricing strategies, a revolution was brewing. Not the kind … Read more
As humanity stands on the precipice of either unprecedented enlightenment or complete intellectual surrender, Reid Hoffman has made a declaration that would reshape our understanding of human achievement. The co-founder of LinkedIn—that digital purgatory where professionals go to cosplay their career ambitions—announced that “10,000 prompts is the new 10,000 hours.” This was not presented as … Read more
The facts, as they were presented to innocent ol’ me on a Tuesday morning in 2025, seemed straightforward enough. A concerned technophile had approached me with what they believed to be evidence of a grand technological conspiracy—one involving the systematic elimination of the BlackBerry device for reasons far more sinister than market forces would suggest. … Read more
Alice had always thought databases were about storing data securely and efficiently. But as she tumbled down the rabbit hole of modern web development, she discovered a wonderland where databases are chosen not for their security features or performance benchmarks, but for their “vibes”—and in this topsy-turvy world, nothing made sense anymore. Welcome to the … Read more
In the year 2025, it has become perfectly normal for a single individual to own a global social media platform, manipulate its algorithms to promote his personal business interests, and then publicly complain when other corporations refuse to participate in his marketing scheme. This is not corruption. This is innovation, apparently! The individual in question, … Read more
Alice was getting very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank of YouTube, having nothing to do except watch another dropshipping millionaire explain how they made seven figures selling fidget spinners from Alibaba while somehow finding the time to create a 47-minute tutorial about it. The rabbit hole of internet entrepreneurship had grown … Read more
In the sprawling digital wasteland of 2025, where every app notification feels like a cry for help and every software update seems designed by someone who clearly never used the previous version, there exists a peculiar anomaly. Chess.com, that humble digital board where millions of humans voluntarily subject themselves to intellectual humiliation, has been quietly … Read more
Welcome to Wonderland, where the Mad Hatter has been replaced by a Machine Learning Engineer, the Queen of Hearts runs a content moderation algorithm, and Alice has fallen not down a rabbit hole but into a LinkedIn post about “AI alignment.” In this curious new world, we’ve become terribly concerned about artificial intelligence gaining consciousness … Read more
In the gleaming towers of Silicon Valley, where the word “authenticity” has been focus-grouped to death and resurrected as a marketing strategy, a new form of digital alchemy has emerged. It’s called the Cal AI method, and it represents the perfect synthesis of our age: the seamless transition from revolutionary AI tech founder to educational … Read more
In the grand theater of technological progress, where artificial intelligence has begun to whisper sweet code into the ears of software developers worldwide, WordPress—that stalwart champion of democratized web publishing—finds itself engaged in what can only be described as the most spectacularly tone-deaf corporate melodrama since Nokia decided smartphones were “just a fad.” While Matt … Read more
It began, as most digital funerals do, not with a bang but with a press release. “SEO IS DEAD,” cried the headline, though most SEO “professionals” shrugged and refreshed their Google Search Console dashboards. To deny the death of SEO in 2025 is to wax nostalgic about horse-drawn carriages while AI-powered maglev pods zip silently … Read more
It was the best of apps, it was the worst of apps, it was the age of TikTok wisdom, it was the age of Instagram foolishness. In our brave new world of infinite scroll and dopamine dispensaries, a peculiar hierarchy has emerged—one where cultural relevance operates on a strict temporal caste system, and your choice … Read more
In the year 2025, the Party announced that AI Safety was of paramount importance to the survival of humanity. The same week, the Party’s leading AI development companies reported record quarterly earnings from their AI Safety initiatives, while simultaneously accelerating the development of increasingly powerful AI systems. This was not a contradiction, the Ministry of … Read more
“But I don’t want to go among mad statisticians,” Alice might have said, had she found herself confronting the peculiar world of Large Language Models. “Oh, you can’t help that,” the Cheshire Cat would have replied, his grin widening impossibly. “We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad. The probability distributions are mad. Even the conditional probability is quite thoroughly mad.” … Read more
It was the best of algorithms, it was the worst of quarterly reports for SaaS companies. In the grand bazaar of enterprise software, where dreams are sold by the seat and nightmares are delivered by the server rack, the year 2024 has produced a spectacle so magnificent in its absurdity that even the most seasoned … Read more
“Begin at the beginning,” the March Hare might have said, if he were a product manager at OpenAI, “and go on till you come to the end: then stop.” But in the curious case of artificial intelligence in 2025, our digital Alice finds herself in a wonderland where the Mad Hatter can recite quantum physics … Read more
In the peculiar tradition of Silicon Valley venture capital, where the most mundane human activities are inevitably reimagined as “trillion-dollar market opportunities,” Andreessen Horowitz has unveiled their latest thesis: AI x Commerce. This represents their belief that artificial intelligence will fundamentally transform how we shop, from product discovery to evaluation, timing, and purchase completion. The … Read more
In a move that would make the Ministry of Truth’s propaganda department weep with professional envy, artificial intelligence startup Perplexity has announced its intention to purchase Google Chrome for $34.5 billion. This figure represents nearly twice the startup’s own valuation of $18 billion, proving once again that in our brave new digital world, mathematical impossibility … Read more
In a shocking revelation that has sent tremors through Silicon Valley and caused exactly zero surprise among anyone who’s ever used the internet, a bombshell piece of code allegedly from Facebook’s (now Meta) vast digital labyrinth has been unearthed. The code, elegant in its simplicity yet breathtaking in its honesty, reads: This digital haiku of … Read more
In a dimly lit conference room in Delaware, in the US, a lawyer in an expensive but somehow ill-fitting suit passes a USB drive across a polished table. “It contains a patent for ‘a method of transferring digital information from one location to another,’” he whispers. “We’ve already sent demand letters to 16,000 businesses that … Read more
In a gleaming corporate office in Delaware—suspiciously devoid of any actual products—a team of attorneys is huddled around a whiteboard. They’re not designing the next revolutionary technology or solving climate change. Instead, they’re mapping out which companies to sue next over Patent #9,876,543: “A Method for Using Electronic Devices to Perform Tasks,” a patent so … Read more
A tragic tale of algorithmic romance and the death of keyword courtship In what relationship experts are calling “the most significant romantic disruption since dating apps convinced us that love could be optimized through swipe mechanics,” millions of users worldwide are abandoning their longtime search companion Google for the sweet, conversational embrace of AI chatbots. … Read more
In a stunning display of technological anticlimax that rivals the launch of Google Glass and the Segway combined, OpenAI’s much-heralded GPT Store has transformed from “the future of AI ecosystems” to “that thing we all forgot existed faster than you can say ‘paradigm shift.’” The digital storefront that promised to revolutionize how we interact with … Read more
In a stunning display of technological efficiency, the artificial intelligence industry has managed to solve one of humanity’s most pressing problems: what to do with all that surplus electricity we apparently have lying around. While some naive environmentalists worried about reducing power consumption to combat climate change, Silicon Valley’s brightest minds have heroically discovered how … Read more
In a bold move that answers the question absolutely no one was asking — “How can we make AI prohibitively expensive?” — Google has unveiled Google AI Ultra, a premium tier of artificial intelligence specifically designed for users who find regular AI embarrassingly affordable. The new offering, priced at what industry insiders describe as “approximately … Read more
In a stunning development that makes “batteries not included” seem quaint by comparison, major AI companies have begun rolling out what industry insiders are calling “Bring Your Own Electricity” (BYOE) programs. These innovative initiatives promise to solve the crippling energy demands of artificial intelligence by elegantly shifting the burden from multi-billion-dollar corporations directly to you, … Read more
In the gleaming headquarters of Silicon Valley’s tech giants, armies of Stanford-educated product managers obsess over microsecond load times, seamless cloud integration, and whether their app’s shade of blue evokes sufficient “trust and tranquility.” Meanwhile, across the African continent, half a billion people are happily using an app that looks like it was designed during … Read more
In what has become a quarterly necessity for the tech industry, TechOnion presents our updated encyclopedia of Google’s AI products, initiatives, moonshots, fever dreams, and “definitely still supported” projects that have already been secretly marked for execution. This living document remains the only comprehensive record of Google’s increasingly fractal AI ecosystem, which now features more … Read more
In a stunning revelation that has the entire tech industry frantically updating their LinkedIn profiles to include “lifelong gamer,” recent analysis shows that the $200 billion gaming industry might have already solved most of the problems Silicon Valley pretends to be inventing solutions for. While tech executives were busy pivoting from crypto to metaverse to … Read more