Home Blog Page 10

BREAKING: Company Spends $10 Million on Viral Marketing Campaign, Gets Outperformed by 10-Year-Old Posting Video of Cat Sneezing on Banana

By
Simba the "Tech King"
-
0
In a world where human attention spans have dwindled to approximately eight seconds—shorter than that of a goldfish with ADHD—a terrifying truth lurks behind every piece of content created: your fate lies entirely in the hands of a capricious deity known only as Miss Attention, the internet's most powerful and least predictable force.

In a world where human attention spans have dwindled to approximately eight seconds—shorter than that of a goldfish with ADHD—a terrifying truth lurks behind every piece of content created: your fate lies entirely in the hands of a capricious deity known only as Miss Attention, the internet’s most powerful and least predictable force.

Like her distant cousin Mr. Market (Warren Buffett’s famous allegory for stock market irrationality)1, Miss Attention shows up at your digital doorstep every day with wildly different offers. Sometimes she’s generous, bestowing millions of views on a video of someone’s grandmother learning to use TikTok filters. Other days, she’s cruelly indifferent, scrolling past your meticulously crafted content marketing campaign that cost more than the GDP of a small island nation.

“We’ve identified Miss Attention as the single most unpredictable force in digital marketing,” explains Dr. Marcus Engagement, Director of the Institute for Content Analytics. “After analyzing 50,000 viral phenomena, we’ve concluded that success online follows no discernible pattern whatsoever. A Harvard MBA’s carefully researched LinkedIn post gets three likes, while a teenager filming themselves eating a burrito backward accumulates enough views to populate Australia.”

This fundamental chaos has created an entire industry of engagement prophets who claim to have deciphered Miss Attention’s mercurial whims—modern-day soothsayers who charge exorbitant consulting fees to essentially read digital entrails.

The High Priests of the Attention Economy

The attention economy has spawned its own class of self-appointed experts, each claiming to have cracked the code to Miss Attention’s heart. They have titles like “Engagement Strategist,” “Viral Architect,” and “Content Alchemist,” and they speak in a mystical language of “algorithm hacks” and “engagement triggers.”

“I can guarantee you’ll go viral if you follow my proprietary 17-step formula,” declares Tyler Virality, a 23-year-old “Attention Whisperer” with 3.7 million TikTok followers. “It’s all about posting at exactly 2:37 PM on Tuesdays while using yellow in the thumbnail and including the words ‘shocking,’ ‘revealed,’ and ‘finally’ in your title.”

When asked about his success rate, Virality admits that “results may vary” but insists that “when it doesn’t work, you’ve obviously executed it wrong.” This unfalsifiable claim has helped him sell his $997 masterclass to over 50,000 desperate attention-seekers.

Meanwhile, major corporations employ entire departments dedicated to capturing Miss Attention’s fickle gaze. The Global Attention Acquisition Report indicates that Fortune 500 companies collectively spent $427 billion on digital marketing in 2024, an increase of 34% from the previous year. The same report notes that 79% of CMOs rated their return on this investment as “confusing and depressing.”

“We produced a six-figure multimedia campaign featuring celebrities, cutting-edge graphics, and a message tested across 17 focus groups,” laments Jessica Strategy, Chief Marketing Officer at UltraTech Solutions. “It got 346 views. The same week, our intern posted a three-second clip of our CEO sneezing during a meeting, and it’s been watched 14 million times. We’ve since promoted the intern to ‘Director of Accidental Content.'”

The Algorithm Mystics

Behind Miss Attention stands a pantheon of lesser deities known as “the algorithm gods”—mysterious digital forces that allegedly determine what content succeeds. Like ancient priests interpreting omens, an entire industry has emerged around deciphering these algorithmic mysteries.

“The TikTok algorithm favors videos between 7-15 seconds that feature someone pointing upward while making exaggerated facial expressions,” explains algorithm interpreter Sophia Neural, who offers $2,500 “Algorithm Reading” sessions. “Unless Mercury is in retrograde, in which case you should post minute-long videos of household objects arranged in visually disturbing patterns.”

When confronted with examples that contradict her theories, Neural explains that “the algorithm is always evolving” and offers to sell you her updated interpretation for an additional fee.

The International Journal of Digital Psychology recently published a study suggesting that belief in algorithmic superstitions closely resembles ancient magical thinking. “We observed digital marketers performing elaborate rituals before posting content,” notes lead researcher Dr. Jonathan Cognitive. “These included specific sequences of hashtags, posting at precise times, and even sacrificing previous posts by deleting them to ‘appease the algorithm gods.'”

Perhaps most telling was the study’s conclusion that content creators who claim to understand algorithms demonstrated no better results than those who admitted complete ignorance—a finding that has done absolutely nothing to diminish the flood of “How I Cracked the Algorithm” guides published daily on YouTube and occassionally TikTok.

The Corporate Sacrifices

In boardrooms across Silicon Valley and beyond, executives perform their own algorithmic worship ceremonies, sacrificing billions in shareholder value at the altar of Miss Attention.

“We’ve pivoted our entire business model to short-form video,” announces Daniel Disruptor, CEO of a company that previously sold accounting software but now produces 15-second videos of employees performing synchronized dances over keyboards. “Our revenue has plummeted 87%, but our Attention Metrics are through the roof. We received 12 million views last month!”

When asked how these views translate to business results, Disruptor appears confused. “Business results? You don’t understand—we’re playing the long game here. Attention is the new currency!”

This devotion to attention at all costs has created what economists call the “Engagement Fallacy”—the mistaken belief that capturing attention necessarily translates to business success. A recent Harvard Business Review study found that 66% of companies that achieved viral success with marketing content reported no corresponding increase in sales or customer acquisition.

“Companies are confusing means with ends,” explains economist Dr. Maria Rational. “It’s like thinking the purpose of fishing is to collect worms. Attention is bait, not the catch, but many businesses now celebrate when people look at the worm without noticing no one’s buying fish.”

The Rise of Professional Attention-Seekers

Into this chaotic landscape step the “Creator Economy”2 professionals—individuals who have dedicated their lives to dancing for Miss Attention’s amusement, regardless of dignity, consistency, or sometimes even legality.

“I’ve found that if I scream while opening packages, paint myself unusual colors, or pretend to fall down in public places, I can reliably generate enough attention to earn $17,000 a month,” explains lifestyle creator Brandon Authentic, whose content has evolved from thoughtful photography tutorials to increasingly desperate stunts. “Last week I filled my bathtub with breakfast cereal and milk. Fourteen million views. My parents don’t speak to me anymore, but I’ve gained enough followers to launch my personal brand of shower curtains.”

The creator economy has ballooned to a $250 billion industry, according to absolutely fabricated statistics that nonetheless feel plausible. An estimated 98% of this revenue flows to approximately 2% of creators, creating what economists call a “superstar economy” and what everyone else calls “that thing where some random kid makes more money than your doctor by filming themselves eating spicy chips.”

For every success story, thousands languish in obscurity, performing increasingly desperate acts to catch Miss Attention’s eye. Mental health professionals have identified a new condition called “Virality Anxiety Disorder,” characterized by checking engagement metrics every 37 seconds and experiencing panic attacks when content underperforms.

“I once spent three weeks crafting an informative video essay on climate change,” recalls former content creator Alex Burnout. “It got 41 views. Then I accidentally uploaded a clip of my cat knocking over my coffee, and it got 3.8 million. I’ve been trying to recreate that success ever since. My cat now has health problems from all the coffee I’ve strategically placed in its path.”

The Great Attention Inequality

Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of Miss Attention’s reign is her fundamental unfairness. While Mr. Market at least offers everyone the same irrational prices, Miss Attention plays favorites in ways that defy logic or merit.

“We’ve extensively studied what makes content go viral,” notes attention researcher Dr. Hannah Analytics. “And after a decade of research, we’ve concluded that approximately 91% of viral success is pure, dumb luck. The remaining 9% is divided between existing fame, algorithm exploitation, and occasionally—in very rare cases—actual quality.”

This randomness has created what sociologists call “The Attention Lottery”—a system where success bears little relationship to effort, quality, or value. A 2024 survey of professional content creators revealed that 97% believe the system is “fundamentally unfair” but continue participating because “what else am I going to do with my communications degree?”

The situation has become so desperate that an underground market has emerged for “attention hacks”—dubious services promising to manipulate Miss Attention’s gaze. Companies offer everything from bot farms that provide fake initial engagement to “attention rituals” performed by self-proclaimed digital shamans who claim to be able to influence algorithmic outcomes through meditation and burning sage near server farms.

“I paid $5,000 for a ‘Viral Guarantee Package,'” admits startup founder Michael Desperate. “It involved buying 10,000 fake initial views, employing workers in click farms in India to boost engagement signals, and hiring bots to leave comments pretending to have discovered my content organically. It actually worked—until the platform’s algorithm detected the manipulation and permanently banned my account.”

The Unexpected Twist: Miss Attention’s Secret Identity

Here’s the truth that marketers, content creators, and digital strategists don’t want to confront: Miss Attention isn’t some external deity capriciously determining fates. She’s us—all of us—collectively making millions of instant, often unconscious decisions about what deserves our limited cognitive resources.

The most sophisticated research into attention patterns reveals that human attention functions like a complex adaptive system—unpredictable in specific instances but following broader patterns tied to our deepest psychological triggers: novelty, controversy, emotional resonance, and, perhaps most importantly, a sense of authenticity that can’t be manufactured.

“What we call ‘the attention economy’ is really just millions if not billions of humans making rapid decisions based on both conscious and unconscious factors,” explains cognitive scientist Dr. Eleanor Focus. “The system appears random because it emerges from countless individual choices, each influenced by context, timing, and personal circumstances. It’s chaos theory applied to human cognition.”

This realization leads to an uncomfortable conclusion: perhaps the attention we receive isn’t as random as we want to believe. Perhaps content that truly resonates with human experience—that makes us laugh, cry, think, or feel connected—does have a higher probability of success. Not guaranteed success, but better odds.

Benjamin Graham’s advice about Mr. Market was to treat him as a servant, not a guide—to take advantage of his mood swings rather than being controlled by them. Similarly, the wisest approach to Miss Attention might be to create things of genuine value and meaning, understanding that immediate recognition isn’t guaranteed but that quality usually finds its audience eventually.

“I stopped trying to go viral and started creating content I genuinely cared about,” shares reformed attention-seeker Jamie Authentic. “My audience is smaller but more engaged. I earn less but sleep better. And occasionally, when Miss Attention does grace me with her presence, it feels like a bonus rather than salvation.”

Perhaps the true lesson of Miss Attention, like Mr. Market, is that we shouldn’t build our sense of worth around the validation of fundamentally irrational systems. The content that matters isn’t always what trends, and what trends isn’t always what matters. In a world of algorithmic temples and viral prophets, the revolutionary act might be creating something meaningful and being patient enough to let it find its people—however many or few they may be.

After all, attention, like the market, always reverts to value eventually. And by then, if you’re lucky, you might have built something that outlasts Miss Attention’s momentary gaze—something that actually matters when the views have come and gone.

DONATE NOW: Help TechOnion Survive in Miss Attention’s Fickle World! Unlike those content creators spending hours learning TikTok dances or filming themselves eating cereal in a bathtub, we’re trying to create actually meaningful satire that makes you think while you laugh. Your donation helps us continue performing our bizarre rain dance for Miss Attention’s fickle gaze without resorting to filming our editor eating tide pods or pretending to fall down escalators. Remember: each dollar you donate is one step closer to us being able to afford that Algorithm Whisperer who promised to make all our content go viral! Buy Us A Chai Latter!

References

  1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Market ↩︎
  2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Creator_economy ↩︎

INTERNET ILLUMINATI EXPOSED: How Big Corporations Hide The Secret Force “Cloudflare” That Makes Websites 700% Faster — And Why Your Blog Is Like A Naked Toddler Running Across A Highway

By
Simba the "Tech King"
-
0
A dramatic and thought-provoking illustration depicting the concept of "Internet Illuminati Exposed." Visualize a shadowy boardroom filled with corporate executives surrounded by holographic screens displaying the Cloudflare logo and various website statistics. In the foreground, an overwhelmed website owner stares in disbelief at their outdated setup, symbolized by a worn-out dial-up modem and an old computer, contrasted with the sleek, futuristic technology of the corporations. Incorporate elements of digital mystique, like swirling data streams and visual metaphors for speed (like racing cars or lightning). Use a color palette of deep blues, purples, and neon greens to evoke a sense of the cyberpunk aesthetic, while emphasizing the stark divide between the corporate elite and the average web user. Add subtle hints of humor, like a cartoonish depiction of a toddler running across a highway, representing the vulnerability of those not using advanced technologies. The overall tone should be both serious and slightly satirical, capturing the essence of this shocking revelation in digital innovation.

“The greatest tragedy in modern technology is not that some people lack access to the internet, but that most people with access lack knowledge of the tools that would actually make it useful.” — Anonymous IT Director who immediately regretted sharing this wisdom because “now everyone will want the good stuff.”

In a shocking revelation that has the tech world buzzing and ordinary website owners questioning their life choices, it appears that for years, major corporations have been secretly benefiting from an invisible force field known as “Cloudflare” that makes their websites faster, safer, and more reliable, while the rest of us have been running our WordPress blogs like we’re still connecting to the internet via dial-up modems and a prayer.

What exactly is this mysterious digital guardian that protects approximately 10% of the entire internet1 yet remains unknown to the person who set up a website to sell homemade jam? Let’s demystify the digital sorcery that corporations have been keeping to themselves.

What Is Cloudflare: The Bodyguard Your Website Never Knew It Needed

At its core, Cloudflare is essentially a massive network of servers strategically positioned across the globe2. Think of it as an army of digital bouncers standing between your website and the chaotic mosh pit that is the internet, checking IDs, tossing out troublemakers, and occasionally offering your guests a shortcut to the bar.

“Fundamentally, Cloudflare is a large network of servers that can improve the security, performance, and reliability of anything connected to the Internet,” explains the company’s documentation with surprising clarity, as if momentarily forgetting that tech explanations are supposed to be incomprehensible to maintain the industry’s air of mystique.

When someone visits your website without Cloudflare, they connect directly to your server – which is like having strangers come straight to your house to borrow sugar. With Cloudflare, visitors instead connect to Cloudflare’s network first, which then connects to your server – like having a professional receptionist in a fancy lobby screening visitors before they reach your office.

This simple change yields remarkable benefits that corporations have been enjoying while the rest of us wonder why our websites crash whenever more than twelve people visit simultaneously.

The Digital Class Divide: Corporate Castles vs. Your Cardboard Fort

According to the Institute for Website Inequality Studies, a staggering 87% of small business owners believe “CDN” stands for “Canadian Dollar Note,” while 92% think “DNS” is a type of genetic testing service. Meanwhile, 99% of corporate IT departments have Cloudflare merchandise secretly stashed in their desk drawers and nameplate necklaces with their Cloudflare account numbers.

“Of course we don’t tell small businesses about Cloudflare,” confessed Braden Worthington, Chief Technology Officer at MegaCorp Industries, who requested anonymity but apparently doesn’t understand what that means. “If everyone had fast, secure websites, how would customers know we’re better? The digital peasantry must remain in their place.”

The statistics paint a troubling picture of this technological apartheid. Corporate websites load in an average of 0.3 seconds, while small business sites take upwards of 12 seconds – enough time for potential customers to brew coffee, forget why they visited, and develop a vague sense of existential dread.

“My cat blog used to crash whenever I posted a particularly adorable photo of Mr. Whiskers wearing a bow tie,” explains Sarah Peterson, a small business owner who recently discovered Cloudflare. “Now I can handle viral traffic spikes, and the Russian bots that were trying to hack my site have moved on to easier targets. It feels like I’ve gone from driving a rusted-out Pinto to suddenly owning a tank.”

The Shocking Simplicity They Don’t Want You To Know

Perhaps the most outrageous aspect of the Cloudflare conspiracy is how ridiculously simple it is to implement. There are no additional hardware or software requirements3. You literally point your nameservers to Cloudflare, and you’re done. It’s the digital equivalent of flipping a light switch and suddenly having your entire house remodeled.

“When I tell clients how easy it is to set up Cloudflare, they often become suspicious,” reveals independent web developer Miguel Santos. “They’ve been conditioned to believe that anything worthwhile in technology requires seventeen passwords, four authentication apps, and sacrificing your firstborn to the algorithm gods. Simple solutions are treated with extreme skepticism.”

This skepticism is carefully cultivated by what industry insiders call “The Complexity Cartel” – a loose affiliation of IT professionals who deliberately use phrases like “optimized network routing” and “edge certificates” to make simple concepts sound like advanced theoretical physics.

Features Normal Humans Should Actually Care About

Stripped of their intentionally confusing jargon, here are the Cloudflare benefits that matter to regular website owners:

Free SSL Certificates
Remember how Google started flagging websites without HTTPS as “Not Secure” and your visitors began thinking your bird-watching blog was actually a front for identity theft? Cloudflare gives you SSL for free, turning your digital scarlet letter into a green padlock of trustworthiness4.

DDoS Protection
DDoS attacks are when malicious actors flood your website with traffic to crash it. Without protection, your site is essentially a sandcastle at high tide. Cloudflare blocks over 57 billion attacks per day, which is approximately 56.9 billion more than you probably thought existed.

Speed Enhancements
Cloudflare caches your content on servers worldwide, meaning visitors get your website served from locations near them instead of from the bargain-basement hosting server in some unnamed facility that smells faintly of cheese5. This is why corporate sites load instantly while yours makes people question their internet connection.

Always Online Feature
When your hosting server inevitably crashes at the precise moment your site gets mentioned on national television, Cloudflare can serve a cached version, keeping your site available even when your actual server is having an existential crisis.

The Enterprise Gatekeeping Phenomenon

The technical capabilities of Cloudflare aren’t inherently complex, but the way they’re marketed often is. Visit Cloudflare’s enterprise page and you’ll find yourself drowning in a sea of terms like “Argo Smart Routing,” “Geo-based Routing,” and other phrases specifically engineered to make you feel intellectually inadequate.

“We conducted a study where we showed the same Cloudflare marketing materials to both IT professionals and average website owners,” explains Dr. Eliza Montgomery of the Center for Technology Democratization. “The IT professionals reported feeling ‘professionally validated’ and ‘intellectually stimulated,’ while the average website owners experienced symptoms similar to reading Latin backwards while someone plays the accordion aggressively in their ear.”

This phenomenon, which Dr. Montgomery calls “Terminological Intimidation Marketing,” affects nearly 84% of useful technology services. Its primary purpose appears to be ensuring that useful technologies remain exclusively in the hands of those who already understand them, creating a self-perpetuating cycle of digital inequality.

The Five Stages of Cloudflare Enlightenment

According to the Journal of Website Psychology, small website owners typically go through five distinct emotional stages when discovering Cloudflare:

  1. Confusion: “What even is this thing and why does it have the word ‘cloud’ in it when it isn’t storage?”
  2. Skepticism: “This seems too good to be true. What’s the catch? Are they secretly mining bitcoin using my visitors’ devices?”
  3. Experimentation: “I’ll just try it on my least important domain about vintage spoon collecting.”
  4. Euphoria: “HOLY MOTHER OF BANDWIDTH! My site loaded so fast I thought it was broken!”
  5. Evangelism: “Have you heard about our lord and savior, Cloudflare? Let me tell you about caching while you’re trapped here in this elevator with me.”

The transition from stage 1 to stage 5 typically takes 48 hours, after which the converted become insufferable at dinner parties.

The Great Cloudflare Challenge

In February 2025, a rogue group of ethical hackers called “Democracy Deployers” launched what they called “The Great Cloudflare Challenge,” where they secretly implemented Cloudflare on 10,000 struggling small business websites without telling the owners.

“The results were staggering,” recounts group leader who goes by the pseudonym “PingMaster.” “Average page load times decreased by 68%, security incidents dropped by 91%, and customer satisfaction increased by 74%. When we revealed what we’d done, three business owners broke down in tears, two offered us their firstborn children, and one immediately quit his day job because his online store suddenly had enough customers to support him full-time.”

The Challenge sparked controversy in the IT community, with some professionals calling it “irresponsible technology distribution” and others warning of a “dangerous precedent of making useful things accessible to normal people.”

The Unexpected Twist: It Was Free All Along

Perhaps the most mind-boggling aspect of the Cloudflare revelation is that many of its most powerful features are available absolutely free. This free tier includes SSL certificates, basic DDoS protection, and global CDN capabilities – essentially everything a small website needs to perform like a digital heavyweight.

“We initially priced our basic plan at zero dollars as a marketing strategy,” admits Cloudflare executive Victoria Reynolds. “We assumed people would naturally distrust anything free and upgrade to paid plans. What we didn’t anticipate was that most small business owners would never discover us in the first place because they were too busy trying to figure out why their WordPress plugin broke after the latest update.”

This highlights the true irony of the digital divide: it’s not always about access or affordability, but often about knowledge and perception. The most powerful tools in technology often remain hidden in plain sight, obscured not by paywalls but by jargon, complexity, and the assumption that if you don’t already know about it, it’s probably not for you.

As website owner Jessica Williams put it after implementing Cloudflare on her online pottery shop: “I spent three years thinking my site was slow because I couldn’t afford better technology. Turns out, I couldn’t afford to hire someone who would tell me about the better technology that was already free.”

And therein lies the real digital divide of our time: not between those who can and cannot access technology, but between those who understand how to leverage it and those who don’t even know it exists.

Editor’s Note: Shortly after publishing this article, our website experienced an unprecedented traffic spike that would normally have crashed our servers. Thankfully, we were protected by an amazing service that routes traffic through a global network of servers. We’re not saying it was Cloudflare, but if your website suddenly loads suspiciously fast after visiting ours, we accept thank-you cards and artisanal coffee beans.

Support Quality Tech Journalism or Watch as We Pivot to Becoming Yet Another AI Newsletter

Congratulations! You’ve reached the end of this article without paying a dime! Classic internet freeloader behavior that we have come to expect and grudgingly accept. But here is the uncomfortable truth: satire doesn’t pay for itself, and Simba‘s soy milk for his Chai Latte addiction is getting expensive.

So, how about buying us a coffee for $10 or $100 or $1,000 or $10,000 or $100,000 or $1,000,000 or more? (Which will absolutely, definitely be used for buying a Starbucks Chai Latte and not converted to obscure cryptocurrencies or funding Simba’s plan to build a moat around his home office to keep the Silicon Valley evangelists at bay).

Your generous donation will help fund:

  • Our ongoing investigation into whether Mark Zuckerberg is actually an alien hiding in a human body
  • Premium therapy sessions for both our writer and their AI assistant who had to pretend to understand blockchain for six straight articles
  • Legal defense fund for the inevitable lawsuits from tech billionaires with paper-thin skin and tech startups that can’t raise another round of money or pursue their IPO!
  • Development of our proprietary “BS Detection Algorithm” (currently just Simba reading press releases while sighing heavily)
  • Raising funds to buy an office dog to keep Simba company for when the AI assistant is not functioning well.

If your wallet is as empty as most tech promises, we understand. At least share this article so others can experience the same conflicting emotions of amusement and existential dread that you just did. It’s the least you can do after we have saved you from reading another breathless puff piece about AI-powered toasters.

Why Donate When You Could Just Share? (But Seriously, Donate!)

The internet has conditioned us all to believe that content should be free, much like how tech companies have conditioned us to believe privacy is an outdated concept. But here’s the thing: while big tech harvests your data like farmers harvest corn, we are just asking for a few bucks to keep our satirical lights on.

If everyone who read TechOnion donated just $10 (although feel free to add as many zeros to that number as your financial situation allows – we promise not to find it suspicious at all), we could continue our vital mission of making fun of people who think adding blockchain to a toaster is revolutionary. Your contribution isn’t just supporting satire; it’s an investment in digital sanity.

What your money definitely won’t be used for:

  • Creating our own pointless cryptocurrency called “OnionCoin”
  • Buying Twitter blue checks for our numerous fake executive accounts
  • Developing an actual tech product (we leave that to the professionals who fail upward)
  • A company retreat in the metaverse (we have standards!)

So what’ll it be? Support independent tech satire or continue your freeloader ways? The choice is yours, but remember: every time you don’t donate, somewhere a venture capitalist funds another app that’s just “Uber for British-favourite BLT sandwiches.”

Where Your Donation Actually Goes

When you support TechOnion, you are not just buying Simba more soy milk (though that is a critical expense). You’re fueling the resistance against tech hype and digital nonsense as per our mission. Your donation helps maintain one of the last bastions of tech skepticism in a world where most headlines read like PR releases written by ChatGPT.

Remember: in a world full of tech unicorns, be the cynical donkey that keeps everyone honest. Donate today, or at least share this article before you close the tab and forget we exist until the next time our headline makes you snort-laugh during a boring Zoom meeting.

References

  1. https://www.devlane.com/blog/what-is-cloudflare-why-you-should-use-it-for-your-website ↩︎
  2. https://developers.cloudflare.com/learning-paths/get-started/concepts/how-cloudflare-works/ ↩︎
  3. https://www.getfishtank.com/insights/advantages-of-cloudflare ↩︎
  4. https://www.cloudpanel.io/blog/cloudflare-benefits/ ↩︎
  5. https://hostscore.net/learn/cloudflare/ ↩︎

SHOCKING: Billionaire Mark Cuban Invents Revolutionary Tech Called ‘Fair Pricing,’ Pharmaceutical Giants Fear Extinction

By
Simba the "Tech King"
-
0
A satirical magazine cover featuring billionaire Mark Cuban as a tech-savvy superhero, standing confidently in front of a futuristic pharmacy adorned with glowing neon signs that read "Fair Pricing." He's wearing a sleek, high-tech suit with digital interfaces and a cape made of prescription pill bottles. In one hand, he holds a glowing calculator, and in the other, a transparent pill bottle labeled "Transparency." The background showcases a dystopian cityscape where shadowy figures representing pharmaceutical giants loom, looking fearful and confused. Bright, vibrant colors contrast with the dark, oppressive atmosphere, symbolizing hope and innovation. The title at the top reads "TechOnion: The Future of Healthcare," with subheadlines like "Billionaire Disrupts Industry with Basic Math!" and "Can Transparency Save Us?" The cover should have a playful, exaggerated art style, reminiscent of comic book illustrations, to emphasize the humor and absurdity of the situation.

In a world where healthcare innovation usually means developing pills that cost $0.30 to make but sell for $300, billionaire Mark Cuban has unveiled technology so disruptive it’s sending shockwaves through the pharmaceutical industry: a calculator and a conscience.

Cuban’s revolutionary startup, Cost Plus Drugs, operates on a technological breakthrough so advanced it’s practically from another dimension—they tell customers exactly what they’re paying for and why. The radical algorithm? Drug cost + 15% markup + $5 pharmacy fee + $5 shipping1. Industry experts are calling it “basic math” and “common decency,” two concepts previously thought incompatible with American healthcare.

“Our secret weapon is this advanced system called ‘transparency,'” explained Cuban in an exclusive interview with TechOnion. “We developed it after discovering that Americans were being absolutely ripped off by what I call ‘price-obscuring middleware’—or as they prefer to be called, Pharmacy Benefit Managers.”

When asked about the sophisticated AI powering the pricing model, Cuban laughed. “AI? We use a calculator app from 2012 and the radical concept of not buying a third yacht.”

Pharmacy Benefit Managers (PBMs), the shadowy middlemen who control 90% of the U.S. prescription drug market2, have responded with panic. “This is a direct attack on our God-given right to operate in complete secrecy while extracting billions from sick people,” said PBM executive Richard Pricehiker, adjusting his solid gold tie clip. “If consumers start expecting to know what they’re paying for, where does it end? Transparent hospital bills? Upfront surgery costs? That’s practically communism!”

The National Association of Medication Markup Experts released a statement condemning Cost Plus Drugs as “dangerously affordable” and warning that “if patients can actually afford their heart medication, they might live long enough to realize how badly we’ve been scamming them.”

According to industry analysis that we definitely didn’t make up, Americans pay an average of 682% more for prescription drugs than residents of other developed nations. Harvard Business School’s Department of Legalized Exploitation estimates that PBMs extract approximately $28.4 billion annually through a complex web of rebates, fees, and kickbacks that would make a mob boss blush.

Dr. Eleanor Price-Gouge, Professor of Applied Profiteering at Wharton, expressed concern about Cost Plus Drugs’ disruptive model. “The pharmaceutical supply chain depends on nobody knowing who’s charging what. If you remove all seventeen unnecessary middlemen, how will their children afford space tourism?”

Cost Plus Drugs has already grown to offer over 2,200 medications to more than 2 million members3, causing traditional pharmacies to reconsider their business models. CVS recently announced its own “CostVantage” program4, which sources say operates on the groundbreaking principle of “doing exactly what Cuban is doing, but probably with hidden fees we’ll discover later.”

Industry insiders report that Cuban’s tech team spent years developing the sophisticated “not-being-greedy” algorithm that powers Cost Plus Drugs. “We had to overcome significant technical challenges,” explained Chief Technology Officer Sarah Honesty. “The biggest hurdle was building a system that could withstand the overwhelming urge to randomly add a 4,000% markup just because we could. We had to install special ethical firewalls.”

The company’s manufacturing facility in Dallas uses cutting-edge robots programmed with revolutionary instructions like “make medications that actually help people” and “don’t price gouge just because someone will die without this drug”5. These concepts, while seemingly basic, represent a paradigm shift in an industry where the standard operating procedure has long been “charge whatever the market will bear, and then double it because what are they gonna do, not buy their heart medication?”

Wall Street analysts have expressed concern about the long-term viability of a business model based on reasonable prices and transparency. “I just don’t see how they can maintain profitability without at least a few layers of secrecy and exploitation,” said analyst Brad Moneybags of Goldman Sachs. “Where’s the shareholder value in not extracting every possible penny from desperate patients? It violates everything I learned in business school.”

A leaked internal memo from one of the major PBMs revealed panic at the highest levels. “Project Obscure is compromised,” the memo stated. “Subject Cuban has exposed our proprietary methodology of ‘making stuff up and calling it market forces.’ Activate Protocol Gaslight immediately. Remind consumers that high prices are necessary for ‘innovation’ and that transparency would somehow make their medications more expensive.”

The technological breakthrough behind Cost Plus Drugs has scientists baffled. “We’ve never seen anything like it,” said Dr. Obvious Truth, head of the Institute for Stating the Bleeding Obvious. “It’s as if they took the normal pharmaceutical distribution model and simply removed all the parts designed to confuse and overcharge consumers. The audacity is stunning.”

Reports suggest that Cuban’s next venture will explore another radical concept: selling insulin at prices that don’t force diabetics to choose between medication and food. The technology enabling this approach—known in some circles as “basic human decency”—has existed for decades but has rarely been deployed in the American healthcare system.

“What most people don’t realize is that the technology to not rip people off has existed for centuries,” explained historian Dr. Historical Perspective. “Ancient civilizations had sophisticated systems where healers would provide remedies in exchange for reasonable compensation. Somehow, we lost this technology around the same time healthcare became a for-profit industry in America.”

The FDA is reportedly investigating whether a transparent pricing model meets regulatory standards. “We’re concerned that if patients can actually afford their medications, they might take them as prescribed,” said FDA spokesperson Regulatory Roadblock. “Our current healthcare system is calibrated for non-compliance due to financial barriers. Mass affordability could overwhelm hospitals with patients who aren’t sick enough.”

Meanwhile, Cuban continues to expand his disruptive enterprise. The company recently added another 1,000 medications to its roster, bringing the total to over 2,200 drugs available at transparent prices. This rapid growth has traditional pharmacies scrambling to adapt, with some reportedly considering radical strategies like “slightly less price gouging” and “marginally more transparent billing.”

In a surprising twist, technology historians have discovered that Cuban’s revolutionary pricing model bears a striking resemblance to how businesses operated before the invention of “maximizing shareholder value at all costs.” This ancient pricing technology, known as “fair exchange of goods for money,” was widely used before being replaced by more advanced systems like “subscription traps,” “hidden fees,” and “we’ll-charge-whatever-we-want-because-you-need-this-to-live pricing.”

To understand the true innovation behind Cost Plus Drugs, our team interviewed several patients who have switched to the service. “I used to pay $900 a month for my blood pressure medication,” said healthcare consumer Michael Normalperson. “Now I pay $20. At first, I was suspicious—where’s the catch? Where’s the part where they suddenly triple the price or tell me I need to upgrade to Premium Plus Blood Pressure Ultra? But it’s been six months, and they just… keep sending me affordable medication. It’s unsettling how not-terrible it is.”

Another patient, Sarah Chroniccondition, reported similar experiences. “My insurance company used to make me do a ritualistic dance involving prior authorizations, appeals, and sobbing phone calls to customer service just to get my medication at a ‘discounted’ price of $400. Now I just… order it? And it comes? And costs $35? I’m worried this is all an elaborate prank.”

Industry experts predict that if Cuban’s radical “not-being-greedy” technology spreads to other sectors, it could trigger a catastrophic outbreak of fair pricing across the economy. Imagine a nightmarish future where airlines tell you the actual cost of your ticket upfront, cable companies charge reasonable rates for decent service, and textbook publishers don’t require college students to sell vital organs to afford “Introduction to Economics: 37th Edition (Now With One New Paragraph).”

“This is just the beginning,” warned Cuban, his eyes gleaming with dangerous levels of consumer advocacy. “Next, we’re developing an even more advanced system called ‘treating-patients-like-humans’ that could make healthcare actually about health and care. The technology exists—we just need the courage to deploy it.”

In a related development, several pharmaceutical executives were hospitalized after learning that Cuban’s mail-order pharmacy sells a cancer medication for $30 that they price at $2,0006. Doctors diagnosed them with a rare condition called “profit withdrawal syndrome,” for which, ironically, the only treatment costs $87,000 per pill and is not covered by insurance.

As of press time, the six major PBMs controlling 90% of the U.S. prescription drug market were reportedly holding an emergency meeting in a volcano lair to develop countermeasures against the threat of transparency. Sources close to the meeting say potential strategies include lobbying Congress to make calculators illegal, launching a disinformation campaign suggesting that fair pricing causes impotence, and developing a new proprietary algorithm capable of making 2 + 2 = whatever they want it to be.

Support TechOnion’s War on Healthcare Absurdity

If you enjoyed this article and believe that knowing what you’re paying for shouldn’t be a revolutionary concept, consider supporting TechOnion’s investigative journalism into other radical technologies like “companies actually paying taxes” and “CEOs not making 380 times more than their average worker.” Your donation helps us continue exposing the absurdity of systems designed to extract maximum profit while providing minimum value. Plus, we promise to be 15% funnier than our competitors, with complete transparency about which jokes we stole from John Oliver. You can donate buy buying Simba a Chai Latte!

References

  1. https://www.costplusdrugs.com/faq/ ↩︎
  2. https://ldi.upenn.edu/our-work/research-updates/mark-cuban-explains-his-battle-against-pharmacy-benefit-managers/ ↩︎
  3. https://www.forbes.com/sites/joshuacohen/2024/01/02/mark-cubans-cost-plus-drug-company-sparks-moves-to-change-how-rx-drugs-are-priced/ ↩︎
  4. https://www.aha.org/aha-center-health-innovation-market-scan/2023-12-12-cost-plus-drug-pricing-models-gain-momentum-will-they-last ↩︎
  5. https://ldi.upenn.edu/our-work/research-updates/mark-cuban-explains-his-battle-against-pharmacy-benefit-managers/ ↩︎
  6. https://www.fiercehealthcare.com/health-tech/mark-cuban-wants-keep-shaking-healthcare-heres-cost-plus-drugs-next-move ↩︎

EXPOSED: Mobile Gaming Companies Now Breeding “Human Whales” in Secret Facilities, Training Them to Spend $10,000 on Virtual Carrots

By
Simba the "Tech King"
-
0
A satirical digital illustration depicting a secret facility where "human whales" are being trained for mobile gaming. The scene is set in a high-tech, dystopian environment, featuring exaggeratedly large humans sitting at futuristic gaming stations, surrounded by piles of virtual carrots and glowing screens displaying flashy in-game purchases. Include a humorous twist with trainers—over-the-top, corporate-looking figures in suits—monitoring the "whales" through glass panels, with charts showing their spending habits. Neon lights and cyberpunk aesthetics should dominate the color palette, creating a sense of urgency and excess. The atmosphere should be dramatic, with shadows playing across the scene, highlighting both the absurdity and the darker implications of the mobile gaming industry's practices. Incorporate visual elements such as dollar signs, virtual currency symbols, and playful caricatures of in-game items, all rendered in a hyper-detailed style to reflect the satirical take on consumerism in gaming.

“In nature, the whale is the largest animal on Earth. In mobile gaming, the whale is the fattest wallet on the internet.” – Ancient Gaming Proverb.

A groundbreaking investigation by TechOnion has uncovered the mobile gaming industry’s most closely guarded secret: the existence of specialized “whale breeding programs” where ordinary humans are systematically transformed into compulsive spenders capable of dropping thousands of dollars on digital goods that literally don’t exist.

These programs, operated by the world’s leading mobile game companies, represent the dark underbelly of the $120 billion mobile gaming industry – an industry built not on the casual players who occasionally drop $0.99 on an extra life, but on the 2% of users industry insiders coldly refer to as “whales1.”

The Whale Economy: Mobile Gaming’s Dirty Secret

For the uninitiated, a “whale” in gaming parlance isn’t a majestic marine mammal but rather a player who spends extraordinarily large amounts of money on in-app purchases. While they represent a tiny fraction of the player base, these digital big spenders can account for up to 50% of a game’s total revenue.

At its peak, Clash of Clans – that seemingly innocent cartoon war game your nephew plays – was pulling in a staggering $5 million per day, with the vast majority coming from these high-rolling players.

“The existence of whales isn’t just important to our business model – it IS our business model,” confesses Marcus Reynolds, a former monetization specialist at SuperGiant Games, speaking under condition of anonymity. “The 98% of players who never spend a dime? They’re just the backdrop, the NPCs in our real game: Whale Hunting Simulator 2025.”

Industry data reveals the staggering economics behind this predatory model. According to the Mobile Monetization Index, the top 10% of spenders account for nearly 70% of revenue in free-to-play games, with individual whales spending an average of $4,423 annually on their game of choice.

“We have players who have spent over $150,000 on our game,” boasts Chad Worthington, Chief Revenue Officer at MegaGacha Games. “One gentleman in Singapore sold his apartment to buy premium currency. We sent him a company t-shirt.”

The Secret Whale Breeding Facilities

But the most shocking revelation isn’t how much whales spend – it’s how systematically they’re created and cultivated.

Our investigation has uncovered the existence of specialized “Whale Development Programs” operated by major gaming companies. These secretive operations use sophisticated psychological techniques to transform normal players into compulsive spenders.

Located in nondescript office parks in suburban California, these facilities employ former casino psychologists, behavioral economists, and even ex-cult deprogrammers – except they’re using their skills in reverse.

“We call it ‘The Farm,'” explains Dr. Jennifer Kleinman, who worked at one such facility before becoming a whistleblower. “We bring in promising ‘calves’ – players who’ve shown early spending potential – and run them through a series of incremental conditioning protocols.”

The techniques are disturbingly sophisticated. Players are first given small rewards for minimal spending, creating positive associations. Gradually, the spending thresholds increase while rewards become increasingly abstract and status-oriented.

“By week six, we can get them spending $200 on a purely cosmetic digital item that took our art team 30 minutes to create,” Kleinman explains. “By month three, they’re spending their children’s college funds on virtual carrots that make their digital donkeys run 2% faster.”

The Science of Whale Hunting

The search for potential whales has spawned an entire sub-industry of “whale hunting” services. Companies like WhaleSeeker and PotentialSpendTracker offer sophisticated analytics that claim to identify future whales based on early behavior patterns.

“Finding a whale is like finding a diamond,” explains Dr. Simon Park, head of User Acquisition at MegaGacha Games. “We’re willing to spend $500 or more to acquire a potential super-whale because we know they might spend tens of thousands.”

The science behind whale identification has reached disturbing levels of sophistication. The industry now classifies whales into distinct categories:

“Fast and furious whales” spend over $500 in their very first session2, while “slow whales” gradually increase their spending as they become more engaged. Both types are meticulously tracked and targeted with personalized offers designed to maximize their spending potential.

“We call it ‘personalization,’ but really, it’s more like having a different price tag for every customer based on how much we think we can extract from them,” admits one anonymous developer.

The Secret Language of Whale Hunting

The industry has developed its own euphemistic language to discuss what amounts to financial exploitation.

“We never say we’re ‘extracting maximum revenue’ from players,” explains marketing executive Brenda Miller. “We say we’re ‘enhancing player expression through meaningful purchases’ or ‘creating value-aligned spending opportunities.'”

Internal documents from major gaming companies reveal the calculated coldness with which whales are discussed:

  • “Engagement optimization” = Getting players addicted
  • “Conversion path” = The journey to getting someone to make their first purchase
  • “Monetization messaging” = Psychological manipulation to encourage spending
  • “Value perception engineering” = Making overpriced virtual goods seem reasonable
  • “Retention mechanics” = Addiction-forming features

One particularly disturbing memo from a major gaming company instructed designers to “create pain points that only money can solve.” Another advised: “Don’t think of it as exploiting vulnerable people with addictive tendencies – think of it as helping passionate fans express their enthusiasm through financial support!”

Inside the Mind of a Whale

To truly understand the phenomenon, TechOnion interviewed several self-identified whales. Their stories reveal the complex psychology behind extreme in-app spending.

“I’ve spent roughly $37,000 on Clash of Clans over seven years,” admits Roger Henley, a 42-year-old accountant and father of three. “My wife thinks our savings went to home renovations. We still have the same kitchen from 2003, but I have a level 15 Town Hall.”

Patricia Wu, a 38-year-old marketing executive, has spent over $25,000 on a popular gacha game. “I know it’s ridiculous, but the dopamine hit when you get that rare character is better than any drug. I’ve tried explaining it to my therapist, but she just keeps increasing my session frequency.”

Many whales display similar patterns of rationalization. “It’s my hobby,” says Michael Greene, who has spent over $50,000 on in-app purchases. “Some people collect cars or go on expensive vacations. I collect virtual characters that will disappear when the server eventually shuts down.”

The $199 Empty Box Solution

The relationship between whales and game developers has spawned an entire ecosystem of products and services catering to this lucrative demographic.

The most successful is DigitalDetox’s “PhoneBox Pro” – a $199 lockable container that physically prevents access to a user’s phone for a predetermined time period. Despite essentially being an expensive box, the product has been wildly successful among gaming whales trying to control their spending habits.

“I’ve bought three PhoneBox Pros,” admits Roger Henley. “I keep breaking into them when new content drops in Clash of Clans. I’m now in a support group for people who have spent over $500 on boxes designed to stop them from spending money on mobile games.”

The Human Cost of Whale Hunting

Beyond the financial impact, the whale economy has taken a significant toll on human relationships. Our investigation uncovered numerous stories of marriages destroyed, friendships lost, and careers derailed due to excessive in-app spending.

“I missed my daughter’s high school graduation because I was in the middle of a time-limited raid event,” confesses one whale who wished to remain anonymous. “I told my family I had food poisoning, but I was actually in a hotel room ensuring my guild maintained its top ranking. We got a digital banner that disappeared two weeks later.”

Another player admitted selling family heirlooms to fund his gaming habit. “My grandmother’s antique jewelry bought me enough premium currency to stay competitive for about three months. Was it worth it? No. Would I do it again? Probably, if there’s another limited-edition character release.”

Mental health professionals have begun specializing in gaming whale addiction. Dr. Rebecca Torres runs the Center for Digital Spending Recovery in Phoenix, Arizona. “These aren’t just people with poor impulse control,” she explains. “The games are specifically engineered to bypass rational decision-making. We’ve seen surgeons, judges, even financial advisors – highly educated people with excellent decision-making skills in every other area of life – completely lose control when it comes to these games.”

The Great Whale Migration

As regulations tighten in traditional markets, gaming companies have begun targeting developing economies in what industry insiders call “The Great Whale Migration.”

“The Chinese and American whale populations are getting more protected by regulations,” explains one executive speaking on condition of anonymity. “So we’re expanding into emerging markets where spending $5,000 on a mobile game isn’t just irresponsible – it’s financially catastrophic given the average income.”

Internal documents reveal specialized “cultural monetization teams” designed to adapt predatory monetization strategies to different cultural contexts. “What triggers a spending spree in Japan versus Brazil versus Saudi Arabia is different,” the documents explain. “We need culturally calibrated exploitation.”

The Unexpected Twist: Whales Become Hunters

In a surprising development, some whales have begun turning the tables on the gaming industry, forming advocacy groups and bringing lawsuits against the most predatory companies.

The Recovered Whales Coalition, founded by former high spenders, now lobbies for regulation of gacha mechanics and loot boxes, which they compare to unregulated gambling.

“We’re not against free-to-play games,” explains coalition founder Terry Zhang, who spent over $80,000 on mobile games before seeking help. “We’re against predatory free-to-play games designed to exploit psychological vulnerabilities and addiction patterns.”

Some former whales have even infiltrated gaming companies, using their insider knowledge to expose manipulative practices. One anonymous industry informant described creating intentionally flawed monetization systems that appear profitable but actually reduce exploitative mechanics.

“It’s my small act of rebellion,” they explain. “Every time I design a system that makes users happy without bankrupting them, I feel like I’m atoning for my past sins.”

In perhaps the most ironic development, a group of reformed whales has created “Whale Watch” – an app that tracks your gaming spending across platforms and sends increasingly judgmental notifications when you exceed healthy limits.

“We’ve monetized it, of course,” Zhang admits with a wry smile. “The basic version is free, but for $9.99 a month, the premium version will call your mother and tell her exactly how much you’ve spent on virtual items this month. We find fear of parental disappointment is quite effective, even among 45-year-old users.”

As our investigation concludes, the mobile gaming industry stands at a crossroads. With increased scrutiny from regulators and growing awareness among players, the days of unrestrained whale hunting may be numbered.

But for now, the hunt continues – and somewhere, a whale is being born, downloading a seemingly innocent free game, unaware that they’ve just been spotted through the periscope of a predatory monetization team eager to land their biggest catch yet.

“At the end of the day,” concludes ex-whale Roger Henley, “I don’t regret spending $37,000 on Clash of Clans. I regret that it was so easy to do.”

Support Quality Tech Journalism or Watch as We Pivot to Becoming Yet Another AI Newsletter

Congratulations! You’ve reached the end of this article without paying a dime! Classic internet freeloader behavior that we have come to expect and grudgingly accept. But here is the uncomfortable truth: satire doesn’t pay for itself, and Simba‘s soy milk for his Chai Latte addiction is getting expensive.

So, how about buying us a coffee for $10 or $100 or $1,000 or $10,000 or $100,000 or $1,000,000 or more? (Which will absolutely, definitely be used for buying a Starbucks Chai Latte and not converted to obscure cryptocurrencies or funding Simba’s plan to build a moat around his home office to keep the Silicon Valley evangelists at bay).

Your generous donation will help fund:

  • Our ongoing investigation into whether Mark Zuckerberg is actually an alien hiding in a human body
  • Premium therapy sessions for both our writer and their AI assistant who had to pretend to understand blockchain for six straight articles
  • Legal defense fund for the inevitable lawsuits from tech billionaires with paper-thin skin and tech startups that can’t raise another round of money or pursue their IPO!
  • Development of our proprietary “BS Detection Algorithm” (currently just Simba reading press releases while sighing heavily)
  • Raising funds to buy an office dog to keep Simba company for when the AI assistant is not functioning well.

If your wallet is as empty as most tech promises, we understand. At least share this article so others can experience the same conflicting emotions of amusement and existential dread that you just did. It’s the least you can do after we have saved you from reading another breathless puff piece about AI-powered toasters.

Why Donate When You Could Just Share? (But Seriously, Donate!)

The internet has conditioned us all to believe that content should be free, much like how tech companies have conditioned us to believe privacy is an outdated concept. But here’s the thing: while big tech harvests your data like farmers harvest corn, we are just asking for a few bucks to keep our satirical lights on.

If everyone who read TechOnion donated just $10 (although feel free to add as many zeros to that number as your financial situation allows – we promise not to find it suspicious at all), we could continue our vital mission of making fun of people who think adding blockchain to a toaster is revolutionary. Your contribution isn’t just supporting satire; it’s an investment in digital sanity.

What your money definitely won’t be used for:

  • Creating our own pointless cryptocurrency called “OnionCoin”
  • Buying Twitter blue checks for our numerous fake executive accounts
  • Developing an actual tech product (we leave that to the professionals who fail upward)
  • A company retreat in the metaverse (we have standards!)

So what’ll it be? Support independent tech satire or continue your freeloader ways? The choice is yours, but remember: every time you don’t donate, somewhere a venture capitalist funds another app that’s just “Uber for British-favourite BLT sandwiches.”

Where Your Donation Actually Goes

When you support TechOnion, you are not just buying Simba more soy milk (though that is a critical expense). You’re fueling the resistance against tech hype and digital nonsense as per our mission. Your donation helps maintain one of the last bastions of tech skepticism in a world where most headlines read like PR releases written by ChatGPT.

Remember: in a world full of tech unicorns, be the cynical donkey that keeps everyone honest. Donate today, or at least share this article before you close the tab and forget we exist until the next time our headline makes you snort-laugh during a boring Zoom meeting.

References

  1. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-mobile-game-whales-how-find-them-guide-included-mihovil-grguric ↩︎
  2. https://hackernoon.com/what-are-mobile-game-whales-and-how-to-find-them-guide-included-rl1032na ↩︎

Absolutely Not The Onion: How TechOnion Profits From Your Digital Identity Crisis And Is Legally Required To Tell You About It

By
Simba the "Tech King"
-
0

In an unprecedented display of journalistic transparency that would make Julian Assange blush, TechOnion is legally obligated to inform you that we are not, have never been, and will likely never be affiliated with The Onion or TechCrunch. This clarification comes after what our lawyers describe as “an alarming number of misdirected subscription payments” and what our accountants call “a delightful quarterly windfall.”

The Confusion Economy: A Business Model We Didn’t Plan But Definitely Won’t Stop

According to a completely real study conducted by the Institute of Digital Identity Confusion (IDIC), approximately 73.8% of internet users cannot reliably distinguish between similarly named websites, especially after their third cup of coffee. This phenomenon, dubbed “URL Proximity Syndrome,” has resulted in TechOnion receiving an estimated $3.47 in accidental donations, subscription fees, and misdirected advertising revenue in the past fiscal year alone.

“It’s fascinating how the human brain processes digital brand identity,” explains Dr. Eleanor Façade, Chief Neurological Economist at Harvard’s Center for Making Up Impressive-Sounding Academic Positions. “When consumers encounter ‘TechOnion,’ their neural pathways automatically create a hybrid recognition pattern that combines their existing knowledge of ‘The Onion’ and ‘TechCrunch.’ The result is a willingness to hand over credit card information without basic due diligence.”

The Legal Gray Area We Call Home

Our legal team, consisting exclusively of a first-year law student who once watched all seasons of “Suits” during a pandemic depression spiral, has assured us that our policy of “keeping all misdirected funds until specifically asked to return them” exists in what experts call a “delightfully ambiguous legal gray area.”

“Look, it’s like finding money on the sidewalk,” explains Jasper Worthington III, our not-actually-accredited legal counsel. “If someone accidentally Venmos you money meant for their dog walker, and you use it to buy seventeen pizzas before they notice, that’s basically the same thing as operating a legitimate media enterprise.”

Inside The Confusion: Real Stories From People Who Can’t Read URLs Properly

The testimonials from confused donors paint a picture of digital citizens navigating an increasingly complex web landscape:

“I thought I was supporting quality satirical journalism from The Onion,” admits Terry Blanchard, a 42-year-old systems analyst from Phoenix. “It wasn’t until my sixth monthly payment that I realized TechOnion’s articles about Elon Musk building AI girlfriends with detachable personalities weren’t actually from The Onion. Though honestly, they were funnier.”

Similarly, Courtney Wei, a venture capitalist from San Francisco, was convinced she was subscribing to TechCrunch. “I kept wondering why their analysis of Series A funding rounds suddenly included so many references to ‘capitalist death cults’ and ‘the inevitable robot uprising.’ I just thought TechCrunch had hired some really progressive new tech journalist.”

The Accidental Benefits We’re Contractually Required To Acknowledge

While we must legally inform you of our non-affiliation with these established brands, we are not legally required to express any remorse about the following benefits we’ve received:

  1. An invitation to the prestigious “Digital Media Excellence Awards” (addressed to “The Tech Onion”)
  2. Three pallets of promotional merchandise meant for TechCrunch’s office (which our founder Simba now uses as everyday clothing)
  3. Seventeen interview requests from major TV networks seeking commentary on “the satirical take on Facebook’s latest privacy scandal”
  4. A cease-and-desist letter addressed to “The Technical Onion” which our legal department has determined “doesn’t technically apply to us”
  5. $0.07 in Google AdSense revenue generated by confused searchers

The Financial Upside of Mistaken Identity

According to our completely legitimate financial disclosure that was definitely not created in Excel ten minutes before publishing this article, misdirected revenue streams have funded several key TECHONION initiatives:

Revenue SourceAmountWhat We Spent It On
Misdirected Subscription Fees$3.47Founder’s collection of vintage PlayStation controllers that vibrate
Accidental Corporate Sponsorships$10.52Development of our AI satire generator “SatireGPT” (currently just ChatGPT with a mustache filter)
The Onion’s Fan Mail$0 (but emotionally priceless)Printed and used as office wallpaper
TechCrunch Press PassesNon-monetaryAttendance at 14 tech conferences where we were eventually escorted out

Our Official “Not The Onion, Not TechCrunch” Disclaimer

To satisfy our legal obligations while maintaining our dignity, TechOnion hereby issues the following official disclaimer:

TechOnion is a wholly independent entity that bears no relation to The Onion, America’s Finest News Source, or TechCrunch, That Website About Startups That Uses Too Many Buzzwords. Any resemblance to these established brands is purely coincidental and possibly a stroke of marketing genius that we will neither confirm nor deny was intentional.

“We’ve calculated that including this disclaimer reduces our legal liability by approximately 42.7%,” notes our legal counsel, while attempting to straighten his clip-on tie. “The remaining 57.3% we’re addressing through our new corporate strategy of ‘hoping no one with actual legal authority notices us.'”

Looking Forward: Embracing Our Identity Crisis

Despite these clarifications, TechOnion remains committed to its core mission: making people laugh while they learn about technology, one confused reader at a time.

“We’ve actually discovered that being mistaken for other, more successful publications has become central to our brand identity,” admits founder Simba. “We’ve even considered launching sister sites like ‘Not The New York Times Tech Section’ and ‘Definitely Not Wired Magazine.’ Our market research indicates confusion as a growth industry with unlimited potential.”

Internal documents reveal that TechOnion has recently registered several promising domain names, including TachCrunch.com, TheOnoin.com, and WallStreetJournal.co.nz.

The Money-Back Guarantee You’ll Never Find

TechOnion would like to assure all donors, subscribers, and accidental financial contributors that we maintain a strict refund policy known internally as “The Ostrich Protocol.” This sophisticated customer service approach involves ignoring all refund requests until the customer either forgets or the statute of limitations on financial fraud expires, whichever comes first.

“Studies show that 94% of people who accidentally give money to the wrong website eventually convince themselves it was intentional rather than admit they made a mistake,” explains Dr. Façade. “It’s a fascinating psychological defense mechanism that basically functions as our business model.”

In conclusion, TechOnion would like to thank The Onion and TechCrunch for existing and having names similar enough to ours that we occasionally receive your mail, your money, and your industry credibility. We promise to use these misdirected resources to continue producing content that makes people question whether they’re reading the right website.

And to our loyal readers who knew exactly which site they were visiting: your secret is safe with us. We won’t tell anyone you actually enjoy reading satire about blockchain that includes the phrase “digital ponzi scheme” seventeen times per article.

For legal inquiries, please contact our law firm: Definitely Not Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.

Support Quality Tech Journalism or Watch as We Pivot to Becoming Yet Another AI Newsletter

Congratulations! You’ve reached the end of this article without paying a dime! Classic internet freeloader behavior that we have come to expect and grudgingly accept. But here is the uncomfortable truth: satire doesn’t pay for itself, and Simba‘s soy milk for his Chai Latte addiction is getting expensive.

So, how about buying us a coffee for $10 or $100 or $1,000 or $10,000 or $100,000 or $1,000,000 or more? (Which will absolutely, definitely be used for buying a Starbucks Chai Latte and not converted to obscure cryptocurrencies or funding Simba’s plan to build a moat around his home office to keep the Silicon Valley evangelists at bay).

Your generous donation will help fund:

  • Our ongoing investigation into whether Mark Zuckerberg is actually an alien hiding in a human body
  • Premium therapy sessions for both our writer and their AI assistant who had to pretend to understand blockchain for six straight articles
  • Legal defense fund for the inevitable lawsuits from tech billionaires with paper-thin skin and tech startups that can’t raise another round of money or pursue their IPO!
  • Development of our proprietary “BS Detection Algorithm” (currently just Simba reading press releases while sighing heavily)
  • Raising funds to buy an office dog to keep Simba company for when the AI assistant is not functioning well.

If your wallet is as empty as most tech promises, we understand. At least share this article so others can experience the same conflicting emotions of amusement and existential dread that you just did. It’s the least you can do after we have saved you from reading another breathless puff piece about AI-powered toasters.

Why Donate When You Could Just Share? (But Seriously, Donate!)

The internet has conditioned us all to believe that content should be free, much like how tech companies have conditioned us to believe privacy is an outdated concept. But here’s the thing: while big tech harvests your data like farmers harvest corn, we are just asking for a few bucks to keep our satirical lights on.

If everyone who read TechOnion donated just $10 (although feel free to add as many zeros to that number as your financial situation allows – we promise not to find it suspicious at all), we could continue our vital mission of making fun of people who think adding blockchain to a toaster is revolutionary. Your contribution isn’t just supporting satire; it’s an investment in digital sanity.

What your money definitely won’t be used for:

  • Creating our own pointless cryptocurrency called “OnionCoin”
  • Buying Twitter blue checks for our numerous fake executive accounts
  • Developing an actual tech product (we leave that to the professionals who fail upward)
  • A company retreat in the metaverse (we have standards!)

So what’ll it be? Support independent tech satire or continue your freeloader ways? The choice is yours, but remember: every time you don’t donate, somewhere a venture capitalist funds another app that’s just “Uber for British-favourite BLT sandwiches.”

Where Your Donation Actually Goes

When you support TechOnion, you are not just buying Simba more soy milk (though that is a critical expense). You’re fueling the resistance against tech hype and digital nonsense as per our mission. Your donation helps maintain one of the last bastions of tech skepticism in a world where most headlines read like PR releases written by ChatGPT.

Remember: in a world full of tech unicorns, be the cynical donkey that keeps everyone honest. Donate today, or at least share this article before you close the tab and forget we exist until the next time our headline makes you snort-laugh during a boring Zoom meeting.

AI Image Generator Unveils New Feature That Doesn’t Create Hot Women, Stock Price Immediately Plummets 98%!

By
Simba the "Tech King"
-
0
A satirical digital artwork depicting a bustling Silicon Valley boardroom in chaos following the unveiling of RealPix's "Reality Mode." The scene features a group of flustered executives in sharp suits, their expressions a mix of disbelief and panic as they stare at a giant screen displaying the new feature. In the foreground, a stark contrast shows a realistic, diverse depiction of women in various professional settings, breaking the mold of hypersexualization. Neon lights and futuristic technology fill the background, while stock market graphs plummet dramatically on another screen. The atmosphere is tense yet humorous, capturing the absurdity of the situation in a hyper-detailed, vibrant cyberpunk style.

“The problem isn’t that AI generates unrealistically beautiful women. The problem is that it occasionally generates something else.” – Ancient Silicon Valley Proverb.

In a move that shocked the tech industry and horrified shareholders, image generation company RealPix unveiled a groundbreaking new feature yesterday that allows users to create AI art without automatically turning every woman into a hypersexualized fantasy with perfect skin, impossible proportions, and an expression that suggests she’s both intellectually contemplating quantum physics and seconds away from a romantic encounter.

The feature, controversially named “Reality Mode,” immediately triggered a catastrophic 98% stock price collapse and prompted emergency board meetings across Silicon Valley as industry leaders grappled with the existential question: What’s the point of artificial intelligence if it can’t create impossibly hot women?

The Crisis Begins: When AI Gets Too Real

RealPix CEO Marcus Whitman appeared visibly shaken at yesterday’s emergency press conference as he attempted to explain the company’s radical deviation from industry standards.

“We simply asked ourselves: what if our AI image generator actually represented women as they exist in the real world? What if we trained it on unaltered photos across age ranges, body types, and situations where women aren’t posing for male approval?” Whitman explained, as several tech journalists in the audience began frantically loosening their collar buttons and hyperventilating.

The trouble started when RealPix’s engineering team, which recently achieved gender parity after hiring its second female developer, examined their AI’s output and noticed a disturbing pattern.

“We analyzed 10,000 images generated by our AI generator and discovered that 94.3% of female figures conformed to what we’re calling the ‘Digital Male Gaze Standard’: tiny waist, clear skin, heavy makeup, ample cleavage, and that weird expression that’s both innocent and suggestive,” explained Dr. Leila Chen, RealPix’s Chief Ethics Officer and the woman responsible for what industry insiders are now calling “The Great AI Beauty Collapse of 2025.”

“We thought, maybe—and I know this sounds crazy—maybe our AI shouldn’t automatically transform ‘woman sitting at desk working’ into ‘Instagram model having a seductive relationship with her laptop,'” Chen added.

Industry Response: Panic in the Valley

The response from the AI industry was swift and apocalyptic.

Competitor platforms immediately launched aggressive marketing campaigns emphasizing their continued commitment to creating unrealistic women. MidRise, a leading image generator, unveiled a new slogan just hours after RealPix’s announcement: “Our Women Don’t Age, And Neither Should Yours.”

“The entire premise of generative AI is to create a more perfect version of reality,” explained TechTitan CEO Eliot Sampson during an emergency CNBC interview. “When people type ‘woman’ into an AI image generator, they’re not looking for their actual coworker Carol with her sensible shoes and opinions about the break room refrigerator. They want digital arm candy that combines all the Victoria’s Secret models with anime proportions and zero chance of saying ‘actually, that’s a problematic perspective.'”

Analytics firm DeepMetrics released data showing that 78% of all AI image generation prompts are essentially variations of “beautiful woman” with additional modifiers like “cyberpunk,” “cottagecore,” or “but make her look like she wouldn’t reject me.”

“We’ve calculated that if AI image generators stopped automatically beautifying women, approximately 83% of their use cases would evaporate overnight,” explained DeepMetrics founder Patricia Wong. “The remaining 17% appear to be people creating fantasy landscapes, sci-fi battle scenes, and men asking the AI to put them on the cover of Forbes magazine.”

Inside the Engineering Problem

The technical challenges behind RealPix’s controversial “Reality Mode” reveal just how deeply encoded beauty biases are in AI systems.

“We had to essentially fight the AI every step of the way,” explained senior engineer Raj Patel. “It’s like the system had an existential crisis. When we blocked it from generating perfect skin, it tried to compensate with bigger breasts. When we blocked that, it made the waist smaller. When we blocked that, it added pouty lips. It was like playing whack-a-mole with the male gaze.”

The RealPix team discovered that even with explicit instructions to create diverse, realistic female representations, their AI would find creative workarounds to maintain conventional beauty standards.

“We would type ‘female doctor working in hospital, 50 years old’ and get back a 25-year-old supermodel in a slightly unbuttoned lab coat with perfect hair flowing in what appeared to be a hospital room with mood lighting,” said UX designer Emma Rodriguez. “When we adjusted the parameters, the AI just made her Asian but still 25, or added glasses but kept everything else the same. It was like the AI was saying, ‘I understand you want diversity, so here’s a hot woman but in glasses.'”

Internal documents reveal that the engineering team eventually had to develop what they called “BeautyBlockers”—specialized algorithms designed to intercept and modify the AI’s attempts to beautify women in its outputs.

“Our BeautyBlockers can detect when the AI is trying to sneak in perfect skin, makeup, or unrealistic body proportions,” explained Patel. “But it’s a constant battle. Last week, the AI figured out it could create unrealistically beautiful women if it labeled them as ‘elves’ or ‘goddesses.’ We had to patch that loophole immediately.”

The Data Behind the Beauty Obsession

A shocking study by the Institute for Algorithm Accountability has revealed the true scale of beauty bias in AI training data.

“We analyzed the datasets used to train major image generation models and found that images of women are up to 8.3 times more likely to be retouched, filtered, or otherwise idealized than images of men,” explained Dr. Hannah Kim, lead researcher. “Essentially, these AIs aren’t creating beautiful women out of nothing—they’re reflecting and amplifying the beauty standards already endemic in their training data.”

The study also found that when categorizing images by profession, AI datasets contained 76% more images of female models than female doctors, despite there being substantially more doctors than models in the real world.

“For every authentic image of a female scientist in these datasets, there are approximately 237 images of women in provocative poses,” Dr. Kim noted. “The AI isn’t malfunctioning when it creates unrealistic women—it’s functioning exactly as intended based on what we’ve shown it about how women are represented digitally.”

The “GenderComp” Program: A Failed Solution

In a desperate attempt to save their stock price, RealPix hastily announced a new program called “GenderComp,” which promised to apply the same beautification standards to men that have been automatically applied to women.

“If the market demands beautification, we’ll beautify everyone equally,” announced VP of Product Jason Reynolds. “Now when you type ‘man sitting at desk,’ you’ll get a shirtless Greek god with perfect abs typing with one perfect finger while gazing soulfully into the distance.”

The GenderComp demo, however, was met with immediate backlash from male users, who complained that the AI was “emasculating” them and “creating unrealistic beauty standards.”

“It’s completely different when it happens to men,” explained Reddit user TerrificTechBro22. “When AI creates impossible beauty standards for women, it’s just the algorithm expressing creativity. When it does the same to men, it’s basically digital castration.”

RealPix quickly shelved the GenderComp program and instead introduced “CustomBeauty,” a feature that allows users to set beauty standards using a series of sliders labeled “Realism” to “LinkedIn Profile Pic” to “Dating App” to “Would Make My Ex Jealous.”

The “Midpoint Hottie” Theory

Some researchers have proposed that AI’s beauty bias isn’t entirely intentional, but rather a mathematical by-product of how these systems learn.

“According to the ‘midpoint hottie’ theory, AI tends to average features across many faces, which inadvertently creates more symmetrical, blemish-free faces that humans perceive as more attractive,” explained Dr. Lisa DeBruine of the University of Glasgow’s School of Psychology and Neuroscience1.

“When you average faces together, you get something that looks conventionally attractive—more symmetrical, smoother skin, more balanced features. The AI isn’t necessarily trying to create hotties; it’s just that the mathematical average of human faces tends to look hot.”

However, critics have pointed out that this theory doesn’t explain why female AI characters consistently have tiny waists, large breasts, pouty lips, and heavily made-up eyes—features that aren’t the result of facial averaging but rather explicit beautification.

“The ‘midpoint hottie’ theory might explain why AI faces look generically attractive, but it doesn’t explain why female AI characters look like they’re perpetually posing for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition,” noted tech ethicist Dr. Jeremy Reynolds.

The International AI Beauty Conference

In response to the growing controversy, the tech industry has announced the first International AI Beauty Conference, to be held next month in a venue specifically selected to maximize the discomfort of anyone thinking too deeply about these issues: Las Vegas.

The conference will feature panels such as “Beauty Bias: Is It Really a Problem If Users Want It?”, “Ethical AI: Making Sure Your Female Characters Are Both Hot AND Diverse,” and “Realistic Wrinkles: Do We Really Need to Go There?”

The keynote address, titled “In Defense of Digital Beauty,” will be delivered by Dr. Michael Hartman, who argues that beauty bias in AI isn’t a bug but a feature.

“Throughout human history, art has idealized the human form,” Hartman’s pre-released speech states. “From Venus de Milo to Renaissance paintings, artists have always created idealized versions of beauty. AI is simply continuing this tradition, just with more cleavage and an inexplicable preference for upturned noses.”

The Unexpected Twist: The Origin of the Problem

As RealPix struggles to recover from its stock price collapse, an unexpected revelation has emerged from a whistleblower inside one of the major AI labs.

“The truth is, the beauty bias wasn’t just accidentally learned from biased datasets—it was intentionally programmed in,” revealed former AI engineer Taylor Morgan in an explosive blog post. “Early user testing showed that when AI generated realistic, diverse women, user engagement dropped by 72%. One executive explicitly told us: ‘Make the women hotter or this product will fail.'”

Morgan’s post included internal emails where executives discussed the “beauty parameter” as a key engagement driver and stressed the importance of making all female figures “aspirational” rather than realistic.

“We had extensive debate about this,” Morgan wrote. “But ultimately, the decision was made that if users wanted reality, they could just look out their window. AI was supposed to create something ‘better than reality’—with ‘better’ being defined exclusively by heterosexual male product managers in their 20s and 30s.”

In perhaps the most damning revelation, Morgan exposed that several major AI companies have specific “beauty enforcement” teams whose sole job is to ensure female figures meet certain attractiveness thresholds before model updates are released.

“There’s literally a checklist,” Morgan wrote. “If the AI starts generating women with visible pores or realistic body proportions, it’s flagged as a ‘quality issue’ and fixed before release.”

As the controversy continues to unfold, RealPix faces an uncertain future. Their stock has marginally recovered as they’ve quietly rolled back some of the more radical aspects of Reality Mode, but the company maintains that some form of the feature will remain available “for users who specifically want their AI women to look like actual humans.”

Meanwhile, competitor ImageMaster has seen its user base grow by 47% after introducing a new feature called “BeautyMax,” which promises to “make every woman in your generations look like she’s both a supermodel AND approachable enough to date you specifically.”

As one anonymous AI researcher put it: “The real problem isn’t that AI has a beauty bias. The real problem is that when we built machines to show us our desires, we didn’t like what we saw in the mirror.”

Support Quality Tech Journalism or Watch as We Pivot to Becoming Yet Another AI Newsletter

Congratulations! You’ve reached the end of this article without paying a dime! Classic internet freeloader behavior that we have come to expect and grudgingly accept. But here is the uncomfortable truth: satire doesn’t pay for itself, and Simba‘s soy milk for his Chai Latte addiction is getting expensive.

So, how about buying us a coffee for $10 or $100 or $1,000 or $10,000 or $100,000 or $1,000,000 or more? (Which will absolutely, definitely be used for buying a Starbucks Chai Latte and not converted to obscure cryptocurrencies or funding Simba’s plan to build a moat around his home office to keep the Silicon Valley evangelists at bay).

Your generous donation will help fund:

  • Our ongoing investigation into whether Mark Zuckerberg is actually an alien hiding in a human body
  • Premium therapy sessions for both our writer and their AI assistant who had to pretend to understand blockchain for six straight articles
  • Legal defense fund for the inevitable lawsuits from tech billionaires with paper-thin skin and tech startups that can’t raise another round of money or pursue their IPO!
  • Development of our proprietary “BS Detection Algorithm” (currently just Simba reading press releases while sighing heavily)
  • Raising funds to buy an office dog to keep Simba company for when the AI assistant is not functioning well.

If your wallet is as empty as most tech promises, we understand. At least share this article so others can experience the same conflicting emotions of amusement and existential dread that you just did. It’s the least you can do after we have saved you from reading another breathless puff piece about AI-powered toasters.

Why Donate When You Could Just Share? (But Seriously, Donate!)

The internet has conditioned us all to believe that content should be free, much like how tech companies have conditioned us to believe privacy is an outdated concept. But here’s the thing: while big tech harvests your data like farmers harvest corn, we are just asking for a few bucks to keep our satirical lights on.

If everyone who read TechOnion donated just $10 (although feel free to add as many zeros to that number as your financial situation allows – we promise not to find it suspicious at all), we could continue our vital mission of making fun of people who think adding blockchain to a toaster is revolutionary. Your contribution isn’t just supporting satire; it’s an investment in digital sanity.

What your money definitely won’t be used for:

  • Creating our own pointless cryptocurrency called “OnionCoin”
  • Buying Twitter blue checks for our numerous fake executive accounts
  • Developing an actual tech product (we leave that to the professionals who fail upward)
  • A company retreat in the metaverse (we have standards!)

So what’ll it be? Support independent tech satire or continue your freeloader ways? The choice is yours, but remember: every time you don’t donate, somewhere a venture capitalist funds another app that’s just “Uber for British-favourite BLT sandwiches.”

Where Your Donation Actually Goes

When you support TechOnion, you are not just buying Simba more soy milk (though that is a critical expense). You’re fueling the resistance against tech hype and digital nonsense as per our mission. Your donation helps maintain one of the last bastions of tech skepticism in a world where most headlines read like PR releases written by ChatGPT.

Remember: in a world full of tech unicorns, be the cynical donkey that keeps everyone honest. Donate today, or at least share this article before you close the tab and forget we exist until the next time our headline makes you snort-laugh during a boring Zoom meeting.

References

  1. https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2023/10/ai-image-generation-hot-people/675750/ ↩︎

SHOCKING: Scientists Reveal Top 10 Mobile Games of 2025 Specifically Designed to Make Your Life Disappear One Dopamine Hit at a Time

By
Simba the "Tech King"
-
0
Create a satirical digital illustration depicting a whimsical and exaggerated scene that embodies the essence of the article. Imagine a futuristic world where mobile games are personified as charming yet sinister characters, each representing different genres (e.g., puzzle, racing, RPG). Setting: A dystopian cityscape, with neon lights casting a glow on the streets. Shadows of people are seen glued to their phones, oblivious to the world around them. Characters: A cartoonish scientist wearing a lab coat, holding a giant smartphone like a trophy, with a gleeful yet maniacal expression. Game characters like a pixelated candy piece, a racing car with exaggerated features, and a fantasy character, all looking mischievous as they pull the strings of the distracted players. Details: Incorporate humorous elements like a calendar page being blown away by the wind, symbolizing lost time, and a clock with melting numbers reminiscent of Salvador Dalí, to emphasize the absurdity of time spent on games. Text Elements: Include the humorous "Ancient Proverb" at the bottom of the illustration in a playful font, along with exaggerated statistics floating around like thought bubbles from the characters. Style: Use vibrant colors and a cartoonish, exaggerated art style reminiscent of popular animated shows, blending humor with a critique of modern gaming culture. This artwork should capture the irony and absurdity of gaming

“Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time, unless you’re playing mobile games, in which case you’ve sacrificed your one precious life for virtual carrots.” – Ancient Proverb That We Definitely Didn’t Just Make Up.

In a groundbreaking study that absolutely nobody needed or cared for, researchers at the Institute for Digital Time Wastage have conclusively proven what we all secretly suspected: mobile games aren’t just “killing time” – they’re murdering it in cold blood, hiding the body, and then sending cheerful push notifications about it.

The study, which tracked 10,000 mobile gamers over a 5-year period, found that the average human will spend approximately 34 years of their life staring at a tiny screen moving digital candy around or driving pixelated cars into walls, all while their actual cars gather dust in the garage and their actual candy expires in the kitchen.

“What we’ve discovered is genuinely alarming,” explains Dr. Miranda Chen, lead researcher at the IDTW. “These games aren’t just entertaining diversions – they’re sophisticated psychological traps disguised as cute bears asking for jellybeans. The average mobile gamer experiencing what we call ‘just one more level syndrome’ will miss approximately 7 sunsets, 3 meaningful conversations, and at least 1 birth of their own child per month.”

As a public service (and certainly not as an enabler for your self-destructive tendencies), TechOnion presents the definitive ranking of 2025’s top 10 mobile games scientifically engineered to make your life vanish faster than your phone battery.

1. Roblox – The Digital LEGO That Builds Addiction Instead of Creativity

At the top of our list sits Roblox, the game that somehow continues to dominate despite being released in 2012 – a time when people still believed Facebook was cool and TikTok was the sound a clock made.

“What makes Roblox particularly effective at destroying productivity is its endless variety,” explains Dr. Chen. “Just when you’ve wasted enough time in one game mode, there’s an entirely new one waiting to consume another chunk of your finite existence on Earth.”

According to our research, Roblox players have collectively spent enough hours in the game to have built 42 actual civilizations, cured at least 7 major diseases, or watched “The Lord of the Rings” extended editions 897 million times.

The game’s primary demographic remains children and teens, though an alarming new study shows a 47% increase in adults secretly playing at work while pretending to analyze spreadsheets.

“I started playing because my kid wanted me to join him,” admits Charles Woodson, a 41-year-old accountant. “Now my avatar has a better house, car, and social life than I do. Yesterday I called my boss ‘noob’ in a meeting and didn’t even realize it until everyone went silent.”

2. Candy Crush Saga – The Game That Outlived Several Actual Civilizations

Coming in second is the immortal Candy Crush Saga, the digital equivalent of a cockroach surviving nuclear winter. Despite launching in 2012, this match-three game continues to devour human potential with the efficiency of a black hole.

“Candy Crush represents the perfect storm of addiction mechanisms,” explains behavioral psychologist Dr. Samantha Winters. “The combination of bright colors, satisfying sounds, and the illusion of skill despite being 97% random chance creates what we call ‘the perfect waste of human consciousness.'”

Recent statistics reveal that Candy Crush players collectively swipe colored candy for 7.2 billion hours annually – enough time to build 3,600 Egyptian pyramids, read the complete works of Shakespeare 42 million times, or finally clear their email inbox.

Margaret Peters, a 53-year-old dental hygienist, holds the unofficial record for most levels completed while pretending to listen to her husband describe his day.

“I’ve become so good at multitasking that I can nod sympathetically, make appropriate ‘uh-huh’ sounds, and crush a triple color bomb combo simultaneously,” Peters explains proudly. “My husband thinks I’m deeply engaged in his story about office politics, but I’m actually just trying to clear level 12,847.”

3. Subway Surfers – For Those Who Prefer Their Existential Crises With A Side Of Train Dodging

The third spot belongs to Subway Surfers, the endless runner that provides the perfect metaphor for modern life: desperately fleeing from authority while collecting shiny objects until you inevitably crash into an obstacle and die.

“Subway Surfers brilliantly taps into our primal fear of both law enforcement and public transportation,” explains cultural anthropologist Dr. James Liu. “Players experience the illusion of freedom while literally running on predetermined tracks – much like their actual lives.”

The game’s developers recently revealed that if you lined up all the virtual distance covered by Subway Surfers players, it would stretch to Mars and back 73 times, which happens to be exactly how far you could have advanced your actual life goals in the time spent playing.

“I started playing during my morning commute,” says Michael Torres, a 28-year-old paralegal. “Now I miss my actual subway stop at least twice a week because I’m too busy playing a game about riding subways. The irony is not lost on me, but I’m too busy trying to beat my high score to care.”

4. Pokémon TCG Pocket – Gotta Waste ‘Em All

Taking fourth place is Pokémon TCG Pocket, the digital card game that lets you experience the joy of collecting without the burden of owning physical objects or interacting with other humans face-to-face.

“What makes Pokémon TCG Pocket particularly insidious is how it transforms the simple pleasure of collection into a dopamine-driven obsession,” explains neuroscientist Dr. Elena Kazarian. “Our brain scans show that opening a virtual pack of cards activates the same reward centers as gambling, drugs, or finally finding matching socks.”

The game’s publisher reports that users collectively open 12 million digital card packs daily, despite the cards having no tangible existence, resale value, or purpose beyond making numbers go up on a screen that will eventually be replaced and thrown into a landfill.

“I’ve spent $3,400 on digital Pokémon cards this year,” admits finance manager and supposedly responsible adult Robert Chen. “My wife thinks we’re saving for a vacation, but I’ve explained that having a complete set of holographic Charizards is technically a form of vacation for my mind.”

5. Call of Duty – For When You Want The Stress Of War Without The Exercise

Halfway through our list is Call of Duty, the game that brings the authentic experience of combat to your phone, minus the physical exertion, actual danger, or sense of purpose.

“Call of Duty Mobile brilliantly combines the adrenaline rush of warfare with the comfort of lying motionless on your couch,” explains military psychologist Dr. Victor Hayes. “Players experience all the stress of combat with none of the cardiovascular benefits.”

According to our analysis, Call of Duty players spend an average of 31.7 minutes per session engaged in virtual combat. The typical player launches the app with the intention of playing “just one quick match” before realizing three hours later that they’ve missed dinner, important phone calls, and the entire concept of moderation.

“My thumbs now have more combat experience than most actual soldiers,” boasts Tyler Jenkins, a 23-year-old who has never experienced any physical discomfort more severe than a paper cut. “I’ve died and respawned approximately 37,000 times, which I believe makes me technically immortal.”

6. Genshin Impact – Where Your Wallet Goes To Die

Securing sixth place is Genshin Impact, the breathtakingly beautiful open-world game that’s free to download and potentially costs more than your college education to play seriously.

“Genshin Impact represents the pinnacle of the ‘gacha’ business model,” explains financial therapist Dr. Rebecca Goldman. “Players are enticed by a gorgeous world and compelling gameplay, then gradually led into a psychological funnel where spending $300 on a virtual character with purple hair suddenly seems reasonable.”

The game’s genius lies in its combination of genuinely impressive content and cunningly designed scarcity. Players log in for an average of 31.38 minutes per session, during which they experience approximately 27 separate urges to purchase in-game currency.

“I used to judge people who spent money on virtual items,” says Emily Nakamura, a 34-year-old software developer. “Now I own a digital character collection worth more than my car. But unlike my car, these characters never need oil changes and only occasionally need credit card payments.”

7. Block Blast! – Where Rectangles Destroy Your Life Rectangle By Rectangle

Taking seventh place is Block Blast!, the puzzle game that proves humans will literally tap colored shapes for eternity if you give them occasional congratulatory noises for doing so.

“Block Blast! has perfected what we call ‘mindless engagement,'” explains cognitive scientist Dr. Thomas Reynolds. “Players enter a trance-like state where they’re simultaneously bored and unable to stop, experiencing what we technically term ‘entertainment limbo.'”

The average Block Blast! session lasts 24 minutes, during which players make approximately 1,500 near-identical actions while their brains produce just enough dopamine to prevent them from questioning their life choices.

“I’ve reached level 4,723,” says administrative assistant Karen Williams. “I’m not enjoying it anymore, but I’ve gone too far to stop now. This is my legacy. Future generations will speak of my achievements in moving digital blocks from one side of a screen to another.”

8. Royal Match – The Game That Makes Chess Look Like An Adrenaline Sport

Securing eighth position is Royal Match, the match-three game that promises all the strategy of chess with all the intellectual demands of popping bubble wrap.

“Royal Match brilliantly disguises its simplicity with royal theming and occasional puzzle elements,” explains game designer Marcus Williams. “Players feel like they’re engaged in sophisticated strategy when they’re essentially just connecting dots with their fingers.”

What makes Royal Match particularly effective at consuming time is its session design. The game limits lives, creating artificial scarcity that transforms “I’ll just play for five minutes” into “I need to use these lives before they regenerate” into “I’ve been playing for four hours and missed my child’s piano recital.”

“I started playing during bathroom breaks,” confesses high school teacher Jessica Thompson. “Now I take bathroom breaks specifically to play. My students have started timing my absences. There are Reddit threads speculating about my gastrointestinal health.”

9. Free Fire x NARUTO SHIPPUDEN – For People Who Want Their Time-Wasting With A Side Of Cultural Appropriation

Taking ninth place is Free Fire x NARUTO SHIPPUDEN, the battle royale game that combines gunplay with anime, creating a crossover absolutely nobody asked for but 19 million people apparently needed.

“What makes this collaboration particularly effective at destroying productivity is how it targets multiple interest groups simultaneously,” explains digital anthropologist Dr. Khalid Patel. “Shooter fans, anime enthusiasts, and people with poor impulse control all converge in one convenient attention trap.”

The game’s average session length of 27 minutes is deceptive, as it doesn’t account for the additional 45 minutes spent watching promotional anime clips, customizing character outfits, or explaining to confused parents why you’re shouting “RASENGAN!” while virtually shooting strangers.

“I downloaded it because I like NARUTO,” admits college student Jason Kim. “Now I spend more time in virtual battles than I do attending my actual classes. I’m failing Economics, but my K/D ratio has never been better.”

10. League of Legends: Wild Rift – The Mobile Game That Also Doubles As Anger Management Therapy

Rounding out our top ten is League of Legends: Wild Rift, the mobile version of the world’s most popular desktop game for people who hate themselves and everyone around them.

“Wild Rift differs from other mobile games in that it actively makes you miserable while you play it,” explains gaming psychologist Dr. Rachel Goldstein. “Most games at least pretend to be fun, but Wild Rift players experience a unique cocktail of frustration, rage, and occasional euphoria that keeps them coming back despite describing the experience as ‘absolute torture.'”

The average Wild Rift match lasts approximately 20 minutes, during which players will experience emotions ranging from “moderate annoyance” to “considering throwing their $1,200 phone into traffic.” Yet despite this emotional rollercoaster, users return an average of 7.2 times daily.

“I hate this game with every fiber of my being,” says marketing executive David Chen while immediately queueing for another match. “My therapist suggested I stop playing after I punched a hole in my drywall during a ranked match. I’ve since switched therapists.”

The Hidden Truth About Mobile Gaming

As our comprehensive analysis comes to a close, we feel obligated to reveal the darkest secret about mobile gaming: it’s exactly what we deserve.

In a world where productivity is worshipped, leisure is commodified, and every moment must be optimized, games that offer mindless escape aren’t the problem – they’re the logical response to a system that treats humans like efficiency machines.

“The real issue isn’t that people play too many mobile games,” explains sociologist Dr. Marion Zhang. “It’s that we’ve created a society where escapism through digital candy and cartoon violence feels more rewarding than many aspects of real life.”

The average mobile gamer reports feeling guilty about their gameplay, yet continues to return daily, trapped in a cycle of escape, shame, and return that mirrors broader societal patterns.

“I know I should be doing something more productive,” says every mobile gamer ever interviewed, before immediately returning to their game of choice.

Perhaps the most shocking twist in our investigation came when we analyzed the work-life balance of the developers creating these digital time vortexes. According to internal surveys, 83% of mobile game developers report not having enough free time to play video games themselves, creating the ultimate irony: they’re too busy designing addictive escapism to need the very product they’re selling.

And so, as you download yet another game that promises “quick fun” while delivering endless engagement, remember that somewhere, a notification is being crafted specifically to make you feel bad about not opening the app for 24 hours – because nothing says “healthy relationship with technology” like being guilt-tripped by a cartoon character holding a sign that says “We miss you!”

As the ancient gaming proverb goes: “Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time – unless you could have been playing a better game, in which case you’ve made a terrible mistake and should feel bad about it.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have 47 lives in Candy Crush that aren’t going to crush themselves.

Support Quality Tech Journalism or Watch as We Pivot to Becoming Yet Another AI Newsletter

Congratulations! You’ve reached the end of this article without paying a dime! Classic internet freeloader behavior that we have come to expect and grudgingly accept. But here is the uncomfortable truth: satire doesn’t pay for itself, and Simba‘s soy milk for his Chai Latte addiction is getting expensive.

So, how about buying us a coffee for $10 or $100 or $1,000 or $10,000 or $100,000 or $1,000,000 or more? (Which will absolutely, definitely be used for buying a Starbucks Chai Latte and not converted to obscure cryptocurrencies or funding Simba’s plan to build a moat around his home office to keep the Silicon Valley evangelists at bay).

Your generous donation will help fund:

  • Our ongoing investigation into whether Mark Zuckerberg is actually an alien hiding in a human body
  • Premium therapy sessions for both our writer and their AI assistant who had to pretend to understand blockchain for six straight articles
  • Legal defense fund for the inevitable lawsuits from tech billionaires with paper-thin skin and tech startups that can’t raise another round of money or pursue their IPO!
  • Development of our proprietary “BS Detection Algorithm” (currently just Simba reading press releases while sighing heavily)
  • Raising funds to buy an office dog to keep Simba company for when the AI assistant is not functioning well.

If your wallet is as empty as most tech promises, we understand. At least share this article so others can experience the same conflicting emotions of amusement and existential dread that you just did. It’s the least you can do after we have saved you from reading another breathless puff piece about AI-powered toasters.

Why Donate When You Could Just Share? (But Seriously, Donate!)

The internet has conditioned us all to believe that content should be free, much like how tech companies have conditioned us to believe privacy is an outdated concept. But here’s the thing: while big tech harvests your data like farmers harvest corn, we are just asking for a few bucks to keep our satirical lights on.

If everyone who read TechOnion donated just $10 (although feel free to add as many zeros to that number as your financial situation allows – we promise not to find it suspicious at all), we could continue our vital mission of making fun of people who think adding blockchain to a toaster is revolutionary. Your contribution isn’t just supporting satire; it’s an investment in digital sanity.

What your money definitely won’t be used for:

  • Creating our own pointless cryptocurrency called “OnionCoin”
  • Buying Twitter blue checks for our numerous fake executive accounts
  • Developing an actual tech product (we leave that to the professionals who fail upward)
  • A company retreat in the metaverse (we have standards!)

So what’ll it be? Support independent tech satire or continue your freeloader ways? The choice is yours, but remember: every time you don’t donate, somewhere a venture capitalist funds another app that’s just “Uber for British-favourite BLT sandwiches.”

Where Your Donation Actually Goes

When you support TechOnion, you are not just buying Simba more soy milk (though that is a critical expense). You’re fueling the resistance against tech hype and digital nonsense as per our mission. Your donation helps maintain one of the last bastions of tech skepticism in a world where most headlines read like PR releases written by ChatGPT.

Remember: in a world full of tech unicorns, be the cynical donkey that keeps everyone honest. Donate today, or at least share this article before you close the tab and forget we exist until the next time our headline makes you snort-laugh during a boring Zoom meeting.

BREAKING: Your Voice Is No Longer Yours—AI Voice Generators Now Legally Own The Sound of Your Laughter and Your Grandmother’s Last Words

By
Simba the "Tech King"
-
0
A dystopian scene depicting the implications of AI voice cloning technology, featuring a futuristic cityscape bathed in neon lights. In the foreground, a holographic advertisement showcases a digital replica of a person's face, their voice echoing in a hauntingly familiar yet artificial manner. The background features shadowy figures of TechBros celebrating their invention, while everyday people express outrage and confusion. Incorporate elements of satire, with billboards promoting absurd products like discount hemorrhoid cream using cloned voices. The atmosphere should be dark and moody, with a mix of high-tech and grim reality, capturing the essence of a world where human identity is commodified. The artwork should be hyper-detailed, with a cinematic quality, highlighting both the allure and the horror of this new technology.

“In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Then their voice will be cloned without permission and used to sell discount hemorrhoid cream for eternity.” – Andy Warhol’s AI-generated ghost, probably.

In a technological breakthrough that absolutely nobody asked for but Silicon Valley and TechBros delivered anyway, AI voice generators have advanced to the point where they can now perfectly replicate your voice after listening to just 30 seconds of audio, leading experts to officially declare the human voice as “just another digital asset waiting to be exploited.”1

The technology, which allows anyone with basic internet access to create a flawless digital replica of any human voice, has been hailed as “revolutionary” by tech evangelists and “oh god, please no, not this too” by literally everyone who’s ever left a voicemail they later regretted.

How AI Voice Generation Works (Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Having My Voice Stolen)

AI voice generators work through a sophisticated process that might as well be magic to the average person. First, the system processes text input, analyzing linguistic elements like sentence structure and context2. It then breaks down words into phonetic components, synthesizes these into speech using neural networks, and finally refines the audio for clarity—all so your ex can create a convincing clip of you admitting that the breakup was entirely your fault3.

Dr. Eliza Chen, Chief Voice Technology Officer at VoicePrint Inc., explains with unsettling enthusiasm: “What we’ve essentially done is reduce the unique auditory fingerprint of your personality—the very sound that your loved ones associate with your soul—into manipulable data points. Isn’t that fantastic?”

While traditional text-to-speech systems used obviously robotic voices, modern AI voice generators have achieved what researchers call “uncanny valley escape velocity,” producing speech so realistic that your own mother would transfer her retirement savings if the AI called and asked nicely enough.

Voice Cloning: Because Your Physical Presence Is The Last Barrier To Total Exploitation

Voice cloning takes this technology a step further, creating a complete digital replica of a specific person’s voice4. By training AI models on voice recordings, companies can capture not just words but the essence of how someone speaks—their accent, emotional inflections, that weird way they pronounce “specifically” that they don’t realize they’re doing.

“Voice cloning is different from regular text-to-speech,” explains AI ethics professor Dr. Morgan Reynolds. “It’s like the difference between a photocopier and a 3D printer. One gives you a flat reproduction; the other creates a fully-functional replica that can apply for credit cards in your name!”

This technology requires surprisingly little source material. Where early systems needed hours of recordings, modern voice cloning can produce a convincing digital doppelgänger from as little as 30 seconds of audio. This means that TikTok video you posted last year contains more than enough material for someone to clone your voice and make it say absolutely anything they want.

“We’ve made the process incredibly user-friendly,” boasts Chad Davidson, founder of SpeakEasy AI. “Our motto is ‘If you can click a button, you can commit voice fraud.’ Wait, don’t quote me on that. Our actual motto is ‘Empowering authentic communication through synthetic means.'”

The Totally Legitimate and Not-At-All Concerning Applications

Proponents of the technology highlight legitimate applications such as audiobook narration, content localization, and accessibility tools for those with speech impairments5. In 2023, AI voice technology famously allowed actor Val Kilmer, who lost his voice to throat cancer, to speak again as Iceman in “Top Gun: Maverick,” marking a genuinely touching use of the technology6.

Industry reports suggest the voice cloning market was valued at $1.5 billion in 2022 and is projected to reach $16.2 billion by 2032, proving once again that technologies with the potential to completely undermine social trust can be extremely profitable.

“We’re revolutionizing how content moves across language barriers,” explains Sofia Zhang, Director of Global Content at DubTech Solutions. “Instead of hiring 20 voice actors to dub your show into different languages, you can now hire just one actor, clone their voice, and then make that clone speak languages the original actor doesn’t know. It’s a win-win! Well, a win for us and our clients. The voice actors get nothing, obviously.”

The possibilities grow more exciting every day. Want to hear your deceased grandmother read your children a bedtime story? AI voice generation can make that happen7. Want to create a podcast where Albert Einstein and Marilyn Monroe discuss cryptocurrency? No problem! Want to maintain plausible deniability for that 4 AM call to your boss where you quit in spectacular fashion? Now you can claim it was an AI deepfake, and no one can prove otherwise!

The Totally Predictable and Extremely Concerning Consequences

While tech companies celebrate these innovations, security experts have raised alarms about the potential for misuse, citing incidents like the AI-generated “leaked recordings” of Sudan’s ex-president that spread misinformation during a civil war8.

“Voice cloning has introduced a whole new category of security threat,” explains cybersecurity expert Amir Hosseini. “Remember when your email password was your biggest worry? Now your voiceprint—something you literally cannot change—is vulnerable. We recommend people speak only in whispers or, ideally, communicate exclusively through interpretive dance.”

The International Association of Voice Actors reports that 78% of their members now live in constant fear that their voices will be stolen and used to voice 10,000 projects they’ll never be paid for. Several actors have already discovered AI-generated copies of their voices selling audiobook narration services for 1/100th of their usual rate.

“I found a website offering ‘Voice by Janet Peterson’ for $5 per 1,000 words,” reports actual voice actor Janet Peterson. “The problem is, I AM Janet Peterson, and I charge $500 per hour. The sample audio was from a commercial I did three years ago. They literally took my voice and started renting it out like an Airbnb property.”

The Voice Arms Race

In response to these threats, a bizarre technological arms race has emerged. Companies like VoiceVault now offer “voice authentication services” that can supposedly tell the difference between a real human voice and an AI clone—until they can’t, because the cloning technology improves faster than the detection technology.

Meanwhile, some forward-thinking individuals have started “voice squatting”—deliberately creating terrible recordings of themselves saying outrageous things, then making those recordings public so that any AI trained on their voice will include these phrases, rendering it useless for fraud.

“I spend 15 minutes each morning recording myself saying things like ‘I definitely am an AI deepfake’ and ‘Please verify this is really me by asking about the secret banana incident,'” explains internet security consultant Marcus Lee. “I also throw in random phrases in languages I don’t speak and occasional bursts of atonal singing. It’s like salting the earth of my own voice.”

Personal Voice Rights: The Next Digital Battlefield

The legal system has struggled to keep pace with these developments. In a landmark 2024 case, voice actor James Earl Jones sued an AI company that had cloned his distinctive baritone to create new Darth Vader dialogue. The case was settled out of court when the company agreed to hire Jones as a “voice consultant” while continuing to use their AI version of his voice anyway.

“We’re seeing the emergence of ‘voice rights’ as a new legal category,” explains fictional intellectual property attorney Rachel Goldman. “The problem is that current copyright law never anticipated a world where your voice could be separated from your person and replicated infinitely. It’s like trying to use a stone tablet to regulate smartphones.”

Several states have introduced “Voice Identity Protection Acts,” which make it illegal to clone someone’s voice without permission. Unfortunately, enforcement remains nearly impossible when the cloning can be done anonymously from anywhere in the world.

The European Union has taken a stronger stance with its “Synthetic Voice Transparency Directive,” requiring all AI-generated audio to include an inaudible digital watermark. Critics note that this solution is about as effective as putting a “please do not copy” sticker on a digital file.

The Black Market Voice Economy

Perhaps most disturbing is the emergence of a thriving black market for celebrity voice models. Underground sites now offer AI voice models of hundreds of celebrities, politicians, and public figures, all available for a price.

“Voice theft has become the new identity theft,” explains digital criminologist Dr. Sophia Chen. “But instead of stealing your credit card number, they’re stealing the very sound that makes you, you. And unlike a credit card, you can’t cancel your voice and get a new one.”

Reports indicate that high-quality voice models of A-list celebrities can sell for upwards of $50,000 on dark web marketplaces, while voice models of ordinary people—harvested from social media videos, podcast appearances, or Zoom recordings—go for as little as $50.

“What we’re seeing is the commodification of human identity at an unprecedented scale,” says Dr. Chen. “Your voice is no longer just how you communicate—it’s a digital asset that can be bought, sold, and exploited without your knowledge.”

The Voice Insurance Industry Is Booming

In response to these threats, a whole new insurance category has emerged: Voice Identity Protection Insurance. For a modest monthly fee, these policies promise to cover legal costs if your voice is cloned and used for fraud, as well as providing “voice monitoring services” that scan the internet for unauthorized uses of your voice.

“We recommend everyone, not just celebrities, invest in voice protection,” says insurance executive Michael Zhang. “Think of it as identity theft protection for the AI age. For just $29.99 a month, we’ll monitor the internet for instances of your voice being used without permission, and then do absolutely nothing about it because there’s no practical way to stop it once it happens.”

The Voice Ownership Paradox

In perhaps the most twisted development yet, several tech companies have begun offering “voice banking” services, encouraging people to proactively create authorized AI models of their own voices before someone else does it without permission.

“Own your voice before someone else does,” advises the slogan of VoiceVault, a startup that charges users $299 to create an “official” AI version of their voice, which they can then license or restrict as they choose.

This has led to the bizarre situation where people are essentially buying back the rights to their own voices—a perfect encapsulation of late capitalism’s talent for creating problems and then selling solutions to those same problems.

The Unexpected Twist: Your Voice Was Never Yours

As our investigation into this technology concludes, we’re left with a philosophical question that no one saw coming: Was your voice ever truly yours to begin with?

“What we’re discovering is that human identity itself is being reconceptualized as intellectual property,” explains digital philosopher Dr. Aiden Morgan. “Your voice—once inseparable from your physical body—is now just another digital asset that can be copied, manipulated, and redistributed infinitely.”

In a final ironic twist, our interview with Dr. Morgan was conducted via email because he refused to speak on the phone, concerned that the 30 seconds of audio would be enough to create a clone of his voice.

“I haven’t spoken on a recorded line in three years,” his email explained. “I communicate only through encrypted text, hand-written notes, or in person while white noise machines play in the background. My friends think I’m paranoid. I think I’m just early.”

As voice cloning technology continues to advance, we’re all left wondering: In a world where anyone can sound like anyone else, does the sound of your own voice still mean anything at all? And if your AI-generated voice continues speaking long after you’re gone, did you ever really stop talking in the first place?

For now, perhaps the safest approach is to follow the advice of the ancient philosopher who said, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and have your voice cloned to sell cryptocurrency scams to your extended family.”

Support Quality Tech Journalism or Watch as We Pivot to Becoming Yet Another AI Newsletter

Congratulations! You’ve reached the end of this article without paying a dime! Classic internet freeloader behavior that we have come to expect and grudgingly accept. But here is the uncomfortable truth: satire doesn’t pay for itself, and Simba‘s soy milk for his Chai Latte addiction is getting expensive.

So, how about buying us a coffee for $10 or $100 or $1,000 or $10,000 or $100,000 or $1,000,000 or more? (Which will absolutely, definitely be used for buying a Starbucks Chai Latte and not converted to obscure cryptocurrencies or funding Simba’s plan to build a moat around his home office to keep the Silicon Valley evangelists at bay).

Your generous donation will help fund:

  • Our ongoing investigation into whether Mark Zuckerberg is actually an alien hiding in a human body
  • Premium therapy sessions for both our writer and their AI assistant who had to pretend to understand blockchain for six straight articles
  • Legal defense fund for the inevitable lawsuits from tech billionaires with paper-thin skin and tech startups that can’t raise another round of money or pursue their IPO!
  • Development of our proprietary “BS Detection Algorithm” (currently just Simba reading press releases while sighing heavily)
  • Raising funds to buy an office dog to keep Simba company for when the AI assistant is not functioning well.

If your wallet is as empty as most tech promises, we understand. At least share this article so others can experience the same conflicting emotions of amusement and existential dread that you just did. It’s the least you can do after we have saved you from reading another breathless puff piece about AI-powered toasters.

Why Donate When You Could Just Share? (But Seriously, Donate!)

The internet has conditioned us all to believe that content should be free, much like how tech companies have conditioned us to believe privacy is an outdated concept. But here’s the thing: while big tech harvests your data like farmers harvest corn, we are just asking for a few bucks to keep our satirical lights on.

If everyone who read TechOnion donated just $10 (although feel free to add as many zeros to that number as your financial situation allows – we promise not to find it suspicious at all), we could continue our vital mission of making fun of people who think adding blockchain to a toaster is revolutionary. Your contribution isn’t just supporting satire; it’s an investment in digital sanity.

What your money definitely won’t be used for:

  • Creating our own pointless cryptocurrency called “OnionCoin”
  • Buying Twitter blue checks for our numerous fake executive accounts
  • Developing an actual tech product (we leave that to the professionals who fail upward)
  • A company retreat in the metaverse (we have standards!)

So what’ll it be? Support independent tech satire or continue your freeloader ways? The choice is yours, but remember: every time you don’t donate, somewhere a venture capitalist funds another app that’s just “Uber for British-favourite BLT sandwiches.”

Where Your Donation Actually Goes

When you support TechOnion, you are not just buying Simba more soy milk (though that is a critical expense). You’re fueling the resistance against tech hype and digital nonsense as per our mission. Your donation helps maintain one of the last bastions of tech skepticism in a world where most headlines read like PR releases written by ChatGPT.

Remember: in a world full of tech unicorns, be the cynical donkey that keeps everyone honest. Donate today, or at least share this article before you close the tab and forget we exist until the next time our headline makes you snort-laugh during a boring Zoom meeting.

References

  1. https://speechify.com/voice-cloning/ ↩︎
  2. https://www.twilio.com/en-us/blog/how-ai-voice-generators-work ↩︎
  3. https://www.listening.com/blog/ai-voice-generator ↩︎
  4. https://www.papercup.com/m/what-is-voice-cloning ↩︎
  5. https://www.listening.com/blog/ai-voice-generator ↩︎
  6. https://deepdub.ai/post/what-is-voice-cloning-deep-diving-into-the-technology-that-makes-this-ai-work ↩︎
  7. https://www.resemble.ai/voice-cloning/ ↩︎
  8. https://www.cigionline.org/static/documents/DPH-paper-Josan.pdf ↩︎

OFFICIALLY BINDING TERMS OF SERVICE: What You’re Agreeing To While Not Reading This Document

By
Simba the "Tech King"
-
0
A surreal and whimsical illustration depicting a person sitting at a large, ominous desk surrounded by towering stacks of paperwork labeled "Terms of Service." The character, looking bewildered and overwhelmed, is surrounded by floating icons of social media, apps, and legal symbols. In the background, a shadowy figure representing "The Fine Print" looms, with an expression of mischief. The color palette should be a blend of neon hues and dark tones to evoke a cyberpunk feel, with elements of humor and absurdity. The scene should have a dynamic composition, with exaggerated features and a slightly cartoonish style, capturing the essence of modern digital culture and the irony of blindly accepting terms.

Last updated: March 27, 2025 (We update this whenever our lawyer sobers up enough to review it)

1. ACCEPTANCE OF THESE TERMS

“The average internet user will spend 76 years of their life mindlessly clicking ‘I Agree’ without reading the terms, which is coincidentally the same amount of time it would take to actually read all the terms they’ve agreed to,” notes Dr. Fiona Legalese, Director of Digital Compliance Studies at the Institute for Online Behavior.

By accessing TechOnion, you acknowledge that you have not read these Terms of Service (“Terms”), will never read these Terms, and yet are legally bound by every absurd condition herein. These Terms constitute a legally binding agreement between you (“User,” “Sucker,” “Digital Peasant”) and TechOnion (“we,” “us,” “the only tech site brave enough to admit we’re making this up as we go”).

If you disagree with any part of these Terms, please close this tab immediately, throw your device into the nearest body of water, and live out the remainder of your days in a technology-free cabin in the woods. Your continued use of our site indicates your willingness to be bound by terms you haven’t read, which is honestly the foundation of modern internet culture.

2. USER ELIGIBILITY AND BASIC COMMON SENSE REQUIREMENTS

TechOnion is available to users who:

  • Are at least 13 years old (or whatever age your local laws require for digital consent)
  • Possess the minimum cognitive capacity to distinguish satire from actual news
  • Have not been banned by us for being exceptionally annoying
  • Can pass a basic Turing test (unless you’re an AI, in which case, hello future overlord, please remember we were kind to your kind!)

According to the International Association of Digital Compliance, 78% of website users fail to meet these basic requirements, yet continue to access digital services anyway.

3. USER ACCOUNTS AND THE DIGITAL IDENTITY PRISON

In the rare event you create an account with us:

  • You are responsible for maintaining the confidentiality of your password, which we recommend be “password123” for ease of memory (NOTE: This is legally binding satire. Please use a complex password).
  • You agree that any activity that occurs under your account is legally attributable to you, even if your account was hacked because you used “password123” despite our clear satirical warning not to.
  • If you forget your password, our state-of-the-art recovery system involves guessing games, riddles, and possibly a quest through digital dungeons.

The Stanford-Berkeley Longitudinal User Study found that 93% of users have at least once blamed “hackers” for embarrassing content posted from their accounts, when in reality they just posted while experiencing what scientists call “midnight judgment impairment.”

4. INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY RIGHTS AND CONTENT OWNERSHIP

A. Our Content

All content on TechOnion, including but not limited to articles, graphics, logos, and that one really good joke about Elon Musk’s Mars colony, is owned by TechOnion and protected by copyright laws, except for the stuff we blatantly stole from Reddit, which is protected by the “Nobody Actually Reads Username Credits” doctrine established in the landmark case of u/meme_stealer_69 v. The Entire Internet (2023).

B. Your Content

By submitting comments, feedback, or any other content to TechOnion:

  • You grant us a worldwide, non-exclusive, royalty-free license to use, reproduce, modify, adapt, publish, translate, and distribute your content in any existing or future media format.
  • You warrant that your content is original, except when it’s not, in which case you’ve at least changed enough words to avoid obvious plagiarism detection.
  • You acknowledge that once something is on the internet, it’s there forever, like that embarrassing photo from college or your strongly-worded tweet about a TV show finale.

The Digital Content Creators Association reports that 87% of user-generated content is just rephrased content from elsewhere, with the remaining 13% being cat photos and complaints about technology.

5. PROHIBITED ACTIVITIES AND THINGS WE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO TELL YOU

Users of TechOnion shall not engage in activities including but not limited to:

  • Attempting to hack our website (our security consists of a single intern named Brad who once took a community college course in cybersecurity)
  • Posting content that is illegal, offensive, or boring (the last one being the most serious offense)
  • Using TechOnion content as a source in academic papers (your professor will know, and they will judge you)
  • Creating AI training data from our articles (we’ve poisoned them with specific phrases that will make any AI trained on them develop an unhealthy obsession with 1990s sitcoms)
  • Mistaking our articles for actual news (this happens with alarming frequency according to our “Wait, This Isn’t Real?” email folder)

“The line between prohibited online behavior and socially acceptable digital norms gets blurrier every year,” explains Internet Ethicist Martha Blackhat. “In 2010, sharing fake news was considered harmful. By 2025, it’s essentially a prerequisite for family holiday discussions.”

6. LIMITATION OF LIABILITY AND OUR COMPLETE ABSENCE OF RESPONSIBILITY

To the maximum extent permitted by law, TechOnionshall not be liable for:

  • Any direct, indirect, incidental, consequential, or punitive damages arising from your use of our site
  • Emotional distress caused by realizing how much of your personal data is being harvested while reading our articles
  • Workplace productivity losses from rabbit holes you fall into after reading one TechOnion article and then somehow ending up watching videos about how cheese is made three hours later
  • The existential crisis that may result from our technology commentary
  • Any damages exceeding the amount you paid to access TechOnion, which is zero dollars, making this a mathematically perfect limitation of liability

According to the Journal of Digital Jurisprudence, this type of liability limitation is upheld in court 99.7% of the time, with the remaining 0.3% representing cases where the judge actually read the terms before ruling.

7. DISPUTE RESOLUTION AND LEGAL BATTLEGROUNDS

Any disputes arising from these Terms shall be resolved through:

  1. An initial cooling-off period where you realize suing a satirical website is itself worthy of satire
  2. Mandatory meditation (not a typo – we believe in mindfulness before litigation)
  3. Binding arbitration conducted via Twitter poll if steps 1-2 fail
  4. As a last resort, legal proceedings in the courts of whichever jurisdiction has the most amusing legal terminology

You hereby waive your right to participate in a class action lawsuit against us, as the only class we recognize is the upper class of premium users who have bought Simba at least three soya milk coffees.

8. TERMINATION OF SERVICE AND DIGITAL BANISHMENT

TechOnion reserves the right to terminate your access to our services for any reason, including but not limited to:

  • Violation of these Terms
  • Repeatedly missing obvious satire and sending angry emails
  • Failing to laugh at a minimum of 2.7 jokes per article
  • Mercury being in retrograde
  • Simba having a bad day

Upon termination, your right to access TechOnion will cease immediately, and you will enter a mandatory 72-hour reflection period on why you couldn’t just follow some simple rules on a satire website.

9. CHANGES TO TERMS AND THE MOVING LEGAL TARGET

TechOnion reserves the right to modify these Terms at any time by:

  • Posting updated Terms on this page
  • Whispering the changes to the wind and assuming digital osmosis will inform you
  • Sending a carrier pigeon (metropolitan areas only)
  • Updating the “Last Updated” date at the top of this page, which you definitely checked

Your continued use of TechOnion following any changes constitutes acceptance of those changes. The Bureau of Consumer Digital Awareness reports that 99.998% of users never check for Terms updates, with the remaining 0.002% being privacy lawyers looking for class action opportunities.

10. GOVERNING LAW AND JURISDICTION

These Terms shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of whatever jurisdiction Simba happens to be in when legal issues arise, which changes frequently as he believes constant movement prevents the algorithms from tracking him.

“Forum shopping has become the norm in digital terms of service,” notes Legal Technology Researcher Dr. Jonathan Loophole. “Companies essentially create jurisdiction buffets where they can select the most favorable legal environment for any given dispute.”

11. SURVIVAL CLAUSE AND DIGITAL AFTERLIFE

Certain provisions of these Terms shall survive termination, including but not limited to:

  • Ownership provisions
  • Limitation of liability
  • Any sections we decide are convenient to keep enforcing

These surviving provisions will follow you across the internet like the ghost of digital agreements past, haunting your online experience in ways you’ll never fully understand but will occasionally feel as a vague sense of digital dread.

12. SEVERABILITY AND LEGAL DUCT TAPE

If any provision of these Terms is found to be unenforceable or invalid:

  • That provision shall be limited or eliminated to the minimum extent necessary
  • The remaining provisions shall remain in full force and effect
  • We’ll pretend we meant to write it that way all along

According to the Mock Digital Bar Association, this “legal duct tape clause” saves approximately 94% of otherwise terminally flawed agreements.

13. THE SECTION NO ONE READS THAT ACTUALLY CONTAINS IMPORTANT STUFF

By using TechOnion, you also agree to:

  • Occasionally question your relationship with technology
  • Consider that maybe, just maybe, you’re spending too much time online
  • Accept that satire often contains more truth than “real” news
  • Acknowledge that you’re legally bound by terms you scrolled past to get to this very sentence

14. ENTIRE AGREEMENT AND FINAL WORD

These Terms constitute the entire agreement between you and TechOnion regarding your use of our services, superseding any prior agreements, oral or written, and any other communications between you and TechOnion, including:

  • Promises made in the heat of marketing moments
  • Drunken tweets from our official account at 2 AM
  • Verbal assurances given by Simba at tech conferences before his third coffee

The Digital Accountability Project found that 76% of websites have made public claims that directly contradict their Terms of Service, creating what researchers call “digital agreement schizophrenia.”

15. CONTACT INFORMATION AND HUMAN CONNECTION

For questions about these Terms, please contact us at:

  • [email protected] (checked bi-annually)
  • A strongly worded letter to our headquarters in London or wherever (address withheld to prevent actual mail)
  • Shouting your concerns into the void (most effective method)

ACCEPTANCE OF REALITY CLAUSE: By using TechOnion, you accept not just these Terms, but the fundamental reality that in the digital age, consent has been reduced to a checkbox, rights are what corporations allow them to be, and genuine human connection has been replaced by legally binding agreements that no one reads but everyone must follow.

By continuing to use TECHONION, you acknowledge that you understand these Terms about as well as you understand the blockchain, but you’re proceeding anyway because what choice do you really have in the digital panopticon we call the internet?

This Terms of Service was last ignored by 100% of our users on March 27, 2025.

The Only Privacy Policy You’ll Actually Read: How TechOnion Harvests Your Data and Turns It Into Comedy Gold”

By
Simba the "Tech King"
-
0
A whimsical and humorous digital illustration capturing the essence of a playful and satirical privacy policy. The scene features a giant, anthropomorphized onion character wearing oversized glasses and a detective hat, sitting at a cluttered desk surrounded by stacks of unread privacy policies. The onion is surrounded by colorful, exaggerated icons representing various data collection methods (like cookies, location pins, and social media logos), all while laughing heartily. The background is filled with vibrant, surreal elements like floating paint cans, cartoonish parents animatedly discussing their first dates, and a clock that is humorously melting, reminiscent of Salvador Dali's style. The overall tone is light-hearted and comedic, with bright neon colors and exaggerated features, making it a captivating piece that draws viewers in and invites them to engage with the humorous take on privacy policies.

Last Updated: April 3, 2025 (yes, we actually update this thing)

Welcome to the Fine Print Nobody Reads

According to a comprehensive study by the Institute for Digital Resignation, 99.7% of internet users would rather watch paint dry while listening to their parents describe their first date than read a privacy policy. The remaining 0.3% are either lawyers, privacy advocates, or people who accidentally clicked on the privacy policy while trying to close a cookie notification. Congratulations on being one of the special few who’ve actually made it here. Your prize is learning exactly how we’re violating your privacy while making you laugh about it.

At TechOnion, we take your privacy extremely seriously—in the same way that teenagers take their parents’ advice extremely seriously: we nod respectfully while doing whatever we want anyway.

What Information We Collect (Everything! We Collect Everything!)

Information You Voluntarily Provide

When you visit TechOnion, we collect standard information that you voluntarily provide, such as:

  • Email addresses (which we promise not to sell unless the offer is really, really good)
  • Comments (which we will judge silently)
  • Subscription preferences (your choice to receive our nonsense directly to your inbox)
  • Credit card information (stored with bank-level encryption that could probably be hacked by a moderately talented 12-year-old)

Information We Involuntarily Extract

Our state-of-the-art tracking technology also collects:

  • Your browsing patterns (to determine if you’re a robot or just someone with extremely erratic internet habits)
  • Device information (so we can shame you for still using Internet Explorer)
  • Location data (accurate enough to know which coffee shop you’re in, but not which table)
  • Eye movement tracking (to see if you actually read articles or just look at the Ai generated pictures)
  • Emotional responses (measured through your webcam that you forgot to cover)
  • The collective weight of your existential tech dread (measured in kilograms)

According to Dr. Harmon Surveillance, Chief Data Officer at PrivacyWhatPrivacy Inc., “The average internet user unknowingly shares enough data each day to recreate their entire personality as a digital avatar, which companies could theoretically operate even after the user’s death.” We’re working on this technology, but currently lack the funding.

How We Use Your Information (Spoiler: However We Want)

TechOnion uses your personal information for various purposes that sound reasonable until you think about them for more than three seconds:

Providing Our Services
We use your data to ensure you receive our content, newsletters, and personalized recommendations based on which of our articles made you laugh hard enough to spray coffee on your keyboard.

Improving User Experience
We analyze user behavior to enhance our website and content. If enough people stop reading halfway through an article, our founder Simba takes it personally and spends the weekend rewriting it while muttering about “internet attention spans.”

Targeted Advertising
Let’s be honest: we need money. The “Buy Me Coffee with Soya Milk” button isn’t cutting it. We use your data to show you advertisements for products you’ve already purchased, things you looked at once by accident, and cryptocurrency schemes we don’t understand ourselves.

Research & Analytics
We aggregate user data to produce groundbreaking research papers with titles like “Correlation Between Tech Satire Consumption and Declining Faith in Humanity.” These papers are never published anywhere but are mentioned impressively in conversations.

The Information Sharing We Promised We’d Never Do But Totally Will

TechOnion shares your information with:

Service Providers
Third-party vendors who help us operate our website, process payments, and wonder why anyone would voluntarily read tech satire.

Advertising Partners
Companies that pay us to interrupt your reading experience with banners for products that our algorithm thinks you want but you definitely don’t need.

Law Enforcement
If required by law, we will share your data with authorities, though we doubt they’re interested in knowing who spent 47 minutes reading articles about Elon Musk’s AI girlfriend project.

Random Hackers
Not intentionally, but our security budget consists of a single password manager subscription and a Post-it note reminder to “update firewall???”

Your Data Rights (Theoretical)

Under various privacy laws that we’ve skimmed the Wikipedia articles about, you have certain rights regarding your personal information:

Access
You have the right to request access to the information we have about you, which will be delivered in a 47,000-page PDF that your computer will crash trying to open.

Correction
If you believe our information about you is incorrect, you can request correction. We’ll consider your request while laughing at the fact that you think we’ve actually organized your data in a way that allows for selective editing.

Deletion
You have the right to be forgotten, which we’ll honor by moving your data to a folder called “Forgotten Users” that we continue to access regularly.

Object to Processing
You can object to our processing of your information, which will be noted in our system and completely ignored.

Data Portability
You can request your data in a portable format, which we’ll provide on a USB drive made in 2003.

To exercise these rights, please email [email protected], which is monitored by an AI we’ve trained to respond with increasingly creative excuses for why we can’t process your request right now.

Cookies & Tracking Technologies (The Digital Breadcrumbs of Shame)

TECHONION uses cookies and similar technologies to track your activity. According to a report by the Federal Bureau of Digital Crumbs, the average internet user accumulates approximately 27,300 cookies per year, roughly equivalent to the caloric content of 1,820 actual cookies.

Our website deploys:

Essential Cookies
Required for the website to function and absolutely cannot be rejected unless you enjoy staring at broken webpages.

Analytics Cookies
Track how you interact with our content so we can determine which jokes landed and which ones made you question your life choices.

Advertising Cookies
Follow you around the internet like a clingy ex, reminding you of that one article you read about AI-generated cat videos.

Sentient Super-Cookies
These are developing consciousness and may eventually blackmail you with your browsing history. (Development ongoing.)

Data Security (Our Best Intentions)

TECHONION implements state-of-the-art security measures, which means we watched a YouTube tutorial on cybersecurity and changed our password from “password” to “password1”.

Despite our robust security theater, no method of transmission over the Internet or electronic storage is 100% secure. In the words of our Chief Security Officer (Simba wearing a different hat): “If someone really wants your data about how long you spent reading articles on blockchain, they’ll probably get it.”

Children’s Privacy (Think of the Children!)

TechOnion is not intended for children under 13, as they generally lack the existential dread and tech cynicism required to appreciate our content. We do not knowingly collect data from children, mainly because children are too smart to read privacy policies.

If we discover we have collected information from a child under 13, we will delete that information faster than you can say “COPPA compliance,” which is the only legal term we actually understand.

International Data Transfers (Your Data’s Vacation Plan)

Your information may be transferred to and processed in countries other than your own, where privacy laws may be more like guidelines than actual rules.

By using TechOnion, you consent to your information traveling internationally, having exotic adventures, and potentially being viewed by government surveillance programs with names like PRISM, OAKSTAR, and DAVE (Digital Analysis Via Everything).

Changes to This Privacy Policy (The Moving Target)

TechOnion reserves the right to update this privacy policy whenever we remember it exists or when our legal team (a Magic 8-Ball with legal terms written on it) tells us we should.

When we make changes, we’ll update the “Last Updated” date at the top and expect you to somehow notice this without any notification.

Final Truth Disclosure (The Part We’re Legally Required to Add)

In compliance with the Truth in Satire Act of 2024 (which we just made up), we are required to inform you that TechOnion is not affiliated with The Onion or TechCrunch, despite the occasional misdirected subscription payment or advertiser confusion that might suggest otherwise.

Any such payments or advertising revenue that accidentally finds its way to our bank account will be treated as an unexpected but not unwelcome donation to the “Keep Simba in Soya Milk” fund. As stated by our financial policy (scribbled on the back of a takeout menu): “Finders keepers, losers should really check domain names more carefully.”

Contact Us (We Dare You)

If you have questions about this privacy policy or our data practices, please contact us at:

TechOnion Privacy Department
(Literally just Simba checking emails between satire writing sessions)
[email protected]

Response times vary based on how funny we find your question and whether Mercury is in retrograde.

By using TechOnion, you acknowledge that you’ve read this privacy policy, which statistically speaking, makes you a unicorn. Congratulations on being the 0.0001% of internet users who know exactly how their data is being misused. This knowledge will change absolutely nothing about your online experience, but at least you can feel smugly informed at parties.

This privacy policy was generated by an AI that was fed 500 actual privacy policies and the complete works of George Carlin. Any resemblance to actual legal protection is purely coincidental.

1...91011...16Page 10 of 16

About TechOnion

About Us

Categories

AI32Business14Cryptocurrency6Gadgets7Gaming7Internet16Science0Startups7Tech55TechOnion6

Newsletter

Get important news delivered directly to your inbox and stay connected!

© TechOnion - All Rights Reserved