“Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. Build a better fishing app than the fishing company, and they’ll demand $20 million to keep fishing,” as the ancient tech proverb goes. Welcome to the aftermath of Reddit’s great third-party app purge, where the site declared war on the very tools that made it bearable to use.
In the summer of 2023, Reddit executed what historians now call “The Great API Heist,” a masterful business strategy in which they looked at popular, well-functioning apps built by passionate developers, calculated how much they would need to charge to kill them, then multiplied that figure by ten just to be sure. It was like watching a restaurant demand that comfortable chairs pay a fee for the privilege of making their establishment tolerable.
The Glorious Official App: Reddit’s Gift to Humanity
The official Reddit app stands as a monument to what happens when a platform prioritizes ads over functionality. “We have created an app that perfectly captures the Reddit experience,” explains “Reddit VP of User Frustration”, Chad Buffering. “It freezes just when you’re about to read something interesting, forces you to view the same ad for crypto seventeen times in a row, and occasionally just logs you out for no reason whatsoever. That’s the authentic Reddit we want everyone to experience.”
According to the “Institute for Mobile App User Suffering”, the official Reddit app ranks first in “time spent waiting for content to load” and “random crashes when you’re halfway through typing a comment.” The institute’s “Director of Disappointment Studies,” Dr. Eleanor Pagefreeze, reports: “97% of users instinctively swear under their breath every time they open the official app. It’s a Pavlovian response we haven’t seen since Windows Vista.”
The Purge: When $0.24 per 1,000 API Calls Equals $20 Million
In April 2023, Reddit announced changes to its API pricing that would make the Mafia’s protection racket blush. Apollo developer Christian Selig was informed that continuing to operate would cost approximately $20 million annually—a perfectly reasonable fee for the privilege of making Reddit actually usable on mobile devices12.
“We calculated the cost based on an innovative formula,” says fictional Reddit Chief Financial Strategist, Martin Moneygrab. “We took the number of users who preferred third-party apps, multiplied it by how much more pleasant those apps made the Reddit experience, and then added several zeroes until we reached a number that would ensure their extinction. It’s just business.”
The fictional Global Society for App Eugenics reports that Reddit’s API pricing strategy was like “charging someone $50,000 for the right to mow your lawn,” noting that it represents a groundbreaking approach to eliminating services that make your product look bad by comparison.
The Protest: Mods Rise Up (Temporarily)
In response to Reddit’s declaration of war on usability, moderators across the platform staged what became known as “The Great Blackout,” shutting down subreddits in protest. It was a bold stand that lasted just long enough for Reddit executives to check their watches and wait it out.
“We were deeply moved by the moderator protests,” fictional Reddit CEO Steve Muffman reportedly told shareholders in a leaked meeting that definitely didn’t happen. “They helped us identify which moderators to replace first. It’s like they made a convenient list of people who cared about the platform’s integrity. Adorable.”
The completely made-up Alliance for Digital Platform Activism reports that the Reddit protests were “the most effective demonstration of community power since that time everyone changed their Facebook profile pictures to stop Kony in 2012,” noting that it successfully delayed the inevitable by approximately three business days.
The Aftermath: Life Finds a Way
Fast forward to 2025, and the third-party app ecosystem has evolved like life after a mass extinction event. Small, adaptive apps have survived by embracing subscription models, like Relay charging $3 monthly to escape the official app’s clutches3. Others have secured exemptions by flying the accessibility flag, like RedReader and Dystopia, proving that Reddit has a heart—or at least, legal concerns about discriminating against disabled users2.
Meanwhile, the rebel alliance of Team ReVanced has emerged, creating patches that allow banned apps to function again—albeit with the constant threat of account suspension hanging over users’ heads4.
“It’s like a digital guerilla war,” explains fictional Reddit user ResistanceIsFootile42. “I’m using a patched version of Boost through ReVanced, but I have to create a new account every few weeks when Reddit catches on and bans me. It’s worth it though. I’d rather be banned than use their official app for more than five minutes.”
The completely fabricated Underground App Usage Metrics Initiative reports that 42% of Reddit’s most active users are now employing “illicit app methods,” including patched apps, obscure third-party clients, and in extreme cases, “just reading Reddit through increasingly complex systems of mirrors and periscopes to avoid direct contact with the official app.”
The Dystopian Present: A Two-Tier System
What’s emerged in the wake of the app massacre is a striking metaphor for digital society at large: a two-tier system where those with technical knowledge or disposable income can still enjoy a pleasant Reddit experience, while the masses suffer through the digital equivalent of a DMV waiting room.
“We’ve created a beautiful meritocracy,” boasts fictional Reddit VP of Strategic User Segmentation, Victoria Classwar. “Users who can figure out how to install patched apps, set up alternative clients, or pay subscription fees get to enjoy Reddit as it should be. Everyone else gets to watch a video ad every three posts while the app crashes when they try to view comments. It’s a perfect incentive system.”
The made-up Digital Class Division Research Center calls this “The Great Reddit Stratification,” noting that it’s the first time a social media platform has so effectively separated users into “haves” and “have-nots” based solely on their willingness to jump through flaming technical hoops.
The Unexpected Twist: Reddit’s Self-Sabotage Masterplan
As our exploration of Reddit’s app apocalypse draws to a close, a shocking revelation emerges from an anonymous whistleblower who definitely exists and isn’t just a narrative device. According to this definitely real insider, Reddit’s assault on third-party apps wasn’t just about money or control—it was a deliberate attempt to make the platform worse.
“The truth is, Reddit’s executives determined that their user base was too happy,” our source confides in a totally non-fictional meeting behind a dumpster. “Internal metrics showed that people were spending too much time reading content they actually enjoyed through efficient third-party apps. This was reducing rage-clicking, impulsive scrolling, and the general feelings of discontent that drive engagement on other platforms.”
The solution? Operation Deliberate Downgrade—a strategic initiative to force users onto an inferior app that would maximize frustration, thereby increasing engagement through what the company allegedly terms “hate-browsing.”
“Their internal research showed that a user who enjoys content will spend an average of 20 minutes on the platform before feeling satisfied and leaving,” our insider continues. “But a user who’s constantly frustrated by the app crashing, ads interrupting their experience, and features not working properly will spend up to three hours trying to read a single thread, swearing the entire time that they’re going to quit Reddit forever—only to return the next day to continue the cycle of digital self-harm.”
This revelation aligns with the completely invented “Frustration Engagement Theory” proposed by the fictional Harvard Center for Digital Psychology, which suggests that the most profitable users aren’t the satisfied ones, but those caught in a perpetual state of irritation—always believing the content they want is just one more refresh away.
And so, as we swipe through the ad-infested wasteland of the official Reddit app, occasionally glimpsing actual content between the frozen screens and forced video promotions, perhaps we should take solace in knowing that our suffering isn’t an accident or even mere corporate greed. It’s a carefully designed experience, meant to keep us trapped in a digital version of Sisyphus’s task—forever pushing the refresh button uphill, only to have it crash just before reaching the content we actually came for.
The third-party apps didn’t die. They were murdered. And we’re all paying the price—one buffering spinner at a time.
