The Earthling Devotion Ritual: 7 Shocking Discoveries About the Apple Cult That Will Make You Question Human Intelligence

[Classified Report: Galactic Federation of Intelligent Species - Earth Observation Unit]
[Security Level: Alpha-7, Not for Human Eyes]
[Observation Cycle: 49 Earth-years]

Executive Summary for Supreme Commander

After nearly five decades of Earth observation, our advanced reconnaissance team has identified a particularly fascinating manifestation of human behavior surrounding an entity they call “Apple.” This is not, as initially hypothesized, related to the spherical fruit that grows on trees, but rather a corporation that has achieved a status more akin to a religious institution than a business enterprise. This perplexing sociological phenomenon warrants continued intensive study as it reveals fundamental truths about human vulnerability to symbolic manipulation and tribal identity formation.

Classification Status: Continue observation. Potential extinction pathway: Self-induced technological dependency leading to critical thinking atrophy.

Section 1: Historical Origins and Foundational Myths

Our archaeological data indicates Apple emerged on the primitive date of April 1, 1976 (an amusing coincidence as this corresponds to the Earth custom of “April Fools’ Day” when humans deliberately deceive each other for entertainment).¹ It was founded by three humans—Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, and Ronald Wayne—though the latter quickly abandoned the venture, selling his 10% ownership stake for a mere 800 human currency units, a decision that would eventually cost him billions.

The company’s first product, designated “Apple I,” was merely a circuit board requiring users to add their own case, power supply, keyboard, and display—essentially selling an incomplete product at the curiously specific price of $666.66. This early demonstration of audacious pricing for partial solutions would become a defining characteristic of the entity.

Most fascinating is the mythological elevation of co-founder Steve Jobs to near-deity status. Despite documented evidence of questionable personal behavior and business practices, humans have constructed an elaborate hagiography around this figure that rivals ancient Earth religions. His ritualistic product unveilings were conducted with the solemnity of religious ceremonies, complete with devoted followers who would emit synchronized sounds of amazement (“oohs” and “aahs”) at predetermined intervals.²

After Jobs’ biological functions ceased in 2011, followers continued to make pilgrimages to Apple facilities, leaving tribute items at various locations—a practice indistinguishable from religious worship on at least 17 developed worlds.

Section 2: The Curious Economics of Perceived Obsolescence

Perhaps the most brilliant aspect of Apple’s operation is what our economists have termed “the monetization of inadequacy.” Apple has mastered the art of selling a product while simultaneously making the purchaser feel it is insufficient—thereby creating immediate desire for the next iteration.³

This cycle proceeds as follows:

1. Release a product with deliberately omitted features
2. Price it at 30-50% above technological equivalents
3. Release a marginally improved version within 12 Earth months
4. Discontinue support for earlier models through “updates” that mysteriously degrade performance⁴
5. Create social pressure to upgrade through visual design changes that identify users of older models

This strategy reaches its apex with what humans called “Batterygate,” where Apple was found to be deliberately reducing the performance of older devices—a practice that resulted in a $113 million settlement with Earth authorities. Most intriguing was the company’s defense that this was a “feature” designed to “protect” users, which millions of humans appeared to accept despite clear evidence to the contrary.

The “planned obsolescence” strategy extends beyond functional degradation into the social realm. Apple cleverly designs visible indicators of which product generation a human possesses, creating immediate social stratification based solely on purchase date. On no other observed planet have we seen beings so willingly participate in their own status demotion based on arbitrary product cycles.

Section 3: The Tribal Signaling System

The Apple ecosystem serves as an elaborate tribal identification system that would fascinate any xenoanthropologist. Humans will pay significant premiums not for technological advantages (which are often minimal or non-existent) but for the social signaling value of displaying the half-eaten fruit symbol.⁵

This tribal identification extends into their communication systems, where Apple has created a visible color differentiation in messaging applications—green for “outsiders” and blue for fellow tribe members. This seemingly minor distinction has been documented to affect mate selection processes and social inclusion decisions among younger humans.

Most remarkable is how Apple has transformed normal commercial transactions into ceremonial events. New product purchases are accompanied by:

1. Ritualistic queuing outside retail locations (sometimes for multiple Earth days)
2. Communal cheering when entering the facility
3. Ceremonial unboxing rituals, often recorded and shared with tribe members
4. Public displays of the new acquisition to receive affirmation

The psychological genius of this system is that humans are trained to derive dopamine rewards not from the product’s utility but from the social approval of their purchasing decision. We have observed humans experiencing genuine distress when forced to use non-Apple products in public settings, fearing tribal rejection.

Section 4: The Store Temples and Their Priests

The physical manifestations of Apple’s influence—their “retail stores”—represent perhaps the most fascinating aspect of this Earth phenomenon. These structures abandon traditional commercial design principles in favor of quasi-religious architecture: minimalist open spaces, abundant natural light, and materials chosen for symbolic rather than practical value.⁶

Within these temples operate a hierarchy of personnel clearly modeled on religious organizations:

• “Geniuses” (technical priests who possess sacred knowledge)
• “Specialists” (acolytes in training)
• “Creatives” (those who instruct neophytes in proper usage rituals)

The “Genius Bar” functions identically to confession booths in some Earth religions, where supplicants admit their technological transgressions (“I dropped it in water,” “I didn’t back it up”) and receive both judgment and potential absolution—for a price.

Most telling is that these employees, despite being compensated at rates barely sufficient for survival in many Earth economies, display cult like devotion to the organization. They are required to maintain enthusiasm levels that would be diagnosed as mania on most developed worlds. Our psychological analysis suggests comprehensive thought-reform techniques are employed during their training.

Section 5: The Reality Distortion Field

Apple has perfected what Earth observers call a “reality distortion field”—a psychosocial phenomenon whereby humans collectively agree to perceive Apple’s products and actions in ways that contradict objective reality. Examples include:

1. Perceiving recycled technologies as revolutionary innovations when implemented by Apple years after competitors
2. Describing identical features as “gimmicks” on other devices but “game-changing” on Apple products
3. Celebrating the removal of standard features (audio ports, charging equipment) as “courage” rather than cost-cutting
4. Perceiving price increases as indicators of improved quality rather than profit maximization

This extends to language manipulation, where Apple has successfully redefined common terms. For instance, their “Geniuses” often possess no exceptional intellectual capabilities, and their “Studios” are retail spaces rather than creative workshops. The recent controversy where their voice recognition system transcribed the word “racist” as “Trump” represents an interesting evolution of this linguistic control.⁷

Perhaps most fascinating is how this distortion field creates immunity to negative information. Revelations about labor conditions, environmental impacts, tax avoidance, and anti-competitive practices that would destroy most Earth corporations are simply absorbed and rationalized by the Apple devotees.⁸

Section 6: The Pricing Psychology Experiment

Apple appears to be conducting a multi-decade experiment to determine the maximum price humans will pay for marginal improvements. Our economic analysts have been particularly impressed by:

1. Selling identical physical components at 200-300% markups when bearing the Apple symbol
2. Creating arbitrary storage tiers with exponentially increasing prices despite the linear cost of memory
3. Charging premium prices for essential accessories deliberately excluded from the base product
4. Marketing physical devices as luxury fashion items despite their rapid technological obsolescence

This experiment has proven so successful that Apple achieved a market valuation of over $3 trillion Earth dollars—more than the annual economic output of all but a handful of Earth nations. This value exists despite Apple not pioneering any major technological breakthrough in the past decade, suggesting the value derives almost entirely from psychological manipulation rather than innovation.

The pricing strategy reaches its logical conclusion with the “Mac Pro” computer, which when fully configured costs more than the average annual salary of many Earth humans. Our behavioral scientists remain fascinated by customers who willingly purchase these devices for tasks that could be performed on equipment costing one-tenth the price.

Section 7: The Monopolistic Endgame

The ultimate objective of Apple’s strategy appears to be the creation of a closed ecosystem from which humans cannot escape without significant social and financial penalties. The US government has recently initiated legal action against these practices, confirming our observational analysis.⁹

The strategy operates through:

1. Creating proprietary technologies that prevent interoperability with non-Apple products
2. Establishing exclusive control over software distribution through the “App Store”
3. Implementing restrictive repair policies that force customers to use Apple’s own high-priced services
4. Using control of payment processing to extract revenue from all transactions within their ecosystem

This approach has achieved a remarkable outcome: humans willingly paying to become captives within a technological system that deliberately reduces their autonomy and increases their costs over time. On no other observed planet have we seen beings so enthusiastically participate in their own technological subjugation while believing it represents freedom and status elevation.

Conclusions and Recommendations

Apple represents one of the most successful psychological operations in Earth history—transforming what should be utilitarian technology tools into identity markers and status symbols. The company has effectively monetized human insecurity, tribal affiliation needs, and status anxiety on a planetary scale.

Most concerning is how this model is being replicated across other sectors of Earth’s economy, creating a pattern where humans increasingly define their worth through consumption rather than contribution. This pathway typically leads to societal fragmentation on developing worlds.

For any observing species considering initial contact with Earth, we recommend avoiding Apple users for first interactions, as their reality perception has been significantly altered. If contact becomes necessary, approach through more rational technological channels where objective assessment still functions.

End Report. Transmission complete. May the wisdom of the seven galaxies guide your further observations.

References

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apple_Inc. ↩︎
2. https://pro-papers.com/samples/computer-science/apple/apple-company-culture ↩︎
3. https://www.reddit.com/r/applesucks/comments/1g72fyq/apple_users_are_like_members_of_aggressive/ ↩︎
4. https://www.occrp.org/en/news/apple-to-pay-113-million-settlement-over-batterygate-scandal ↩︎
5. https://www.reddit.com/r/applesucks/comments/1g72fyq/apple_users_are_like_members_of_aggressive/ ↩︎
6. https://www.vice.com/en/article/the-six-best-apple-parody-videos/ ↩︎
7. https://www.techzim.co.zw/2025/02/siris-got-jokes-apples-dictation-thinks-racist-means-trump/ ↩︎
8. https://www.idropnews.com/news/5-apple-scandals-youll-never-forget/38414/ ↩︎
9. https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-68628989 ↩︎