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Home
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Tech
Tech
Machine Learning Revelation: How Computers Learn to Predict Your Life Choices Before You Make Them (And Why That’s Totally Not Creepy)
Tech
The Zealous Z-Vocabulary Revolution: 10 Zenith-Level Terms That Will Transform Your Tech Status Overnight
Tech
The Youthful Y-Vocabulary Revolution: 10 Yowza-Level Terms That Will Transform Your Tech Status Overnight
Tech
The Xtravagant X-Vocabulary Revolution: 10 Xceptional Terms That Will Transform Your Tech Status Overnight
Tech
The Wondrous W-Vocabulary Revolution: 16 Wizard-Level Terms That Will Transform Your Tech Status Overnight
AI
AI
Deep Learning Delusion: How Silicon Valley Taught Computers to Hallucinate Confidently and Call It Intelligence
AI
AI Art Apocalypse Awakening: How Image Generation Models Are Creating Masterpieces, Nightmares, and Everything with Six Fingers
AI
Vocal Uprising: How Nari Labs’ Two-Person Army Is Making Tech Giants Nervously Clear Their Synthetic Throats
AI
Silicon Valley’s Empathy Bypass: How Tech Giants Replaced Emotional Intelligence With Digital Yes-Bots
AI
Splash to Cash: Google’s New AI Eavesdropping on Dolphin Gossip for Untapped Ad Revenue
Internet
Internet
The $100 Million Delusion Matrix: How The Diary of a CEO Founder Steven Bartlett Uses Data Science to Prove Listeners Desperately Want MORE Advertisements
Internet
The Great American Brain Heist: How China’s Algorithmic Trojan Horse “TikTok” Conquered 170 Million Americans While Politicians Fought Over Who Gets to Keep the...
Internet
The Algorithm Whisperer: How Andrew Tate Exploited Silicon Valley’s Most Sacred Code and Turned Digital Outrage Into a Multi-Million Dollar Industry
Internet
The Digital Snake Oil Revolution: How YouTube Gurus Transformed Worthless Advice into a $7 Billion Industry That Makes You Feel Smart While Emptying Your...
Internet
The Digital Hoarding Revolution: 7 Astonishing Ways Pinterest Transformed Procrastination Into A Virtue While Stealing Your Soul
Cryptocurrency
Cryptocurrency
Bitcoin’s Existential Crisis: How Satoshi’s Revolutionary Cash System Became the World’s Most Expensive Digital Paperweight
Cryptocurrency
Memestock Reality Distortion Field: How Tesla ($TSLA) and Dogecoin Became Interchangeable Financial Hallucinations Worth Billions
Cryptocurrency
The $13 Billion NFT Marketplace That Vanished Overnight — OpenSea Executives Now Working at Wendy’s While Your JPEGs Are Literally Worthless
Cryptocurrency
EXCLUSIVE: Blockchain Experts Reveal Industry Will Finally Be Useful By 2026, For The Seventh Year In A Row – ‘This Time We’re Serious!’
Cryptocurrency
REPORT: Financial Experts Predict Cartoon Dog Money ‘Dogecoin’ Will Outperform Real Economy by 2030, Suggests Pet Ownership Might Be Unnecessary When You Can Own...
Gaming
Gaming
Billionaire Gaming Outsourcing Industry EXPOSED After Assassin’s Creed Murders Elon Musk on His Own Platform — CEOs Now Scrambling to Hide Their ‘Pro Gamer’...
Gaming
REVEALED: Teenager Discovers Secret Video Game Cheat Code Called “Picking Up Trash” — Buys PS5 Without Spending Own Money
Gaming
PlayStation’s Soul vs. Xbox’s Spreadsheets: How One Console Vibrates Your Heart While the Other Optimizes Your Wallet
Gaming
The Meme Stock Miracle: How GameStop ($GME) Defied Trump’s Tariff Apocalypse and Broke Wall Street’s Brain… Again!
Gaming
EXPOSED: Mobile Gaming Companies Now Breeding “Human Whales” in Secret Facilities, Training Them to Spend $10,000 on Virtual Carrots
Gadgets
Gadgets
Drone Warfare Evolved: How Your Cousin’s Annoying Christmas Gift Became Humanity’s Most Efficient Killing Machine
Gadgets
The MacBook Identity Crisis: Apple’s $1,000 Up-Charge for a Fan and Three Extra Ports!
Gadgets
Apple Ordered to Let Peasant Devices Into Its Royal iOS Kingdom – Engineers Found Performing Ritual Cleansings
Gadgets
Apple’s Vision Pro 2.0 to Include “Reality Denial” Feature That Makes $3,500 Price Tag Appear Reasonable
Gadgets
Smartwatch Industry in Panic as Consumers Discover Phones Already Tell Time – CEO Caught Frantically Inventing “Use Cases” at 3 AM
Startups
Startups
The Unicorn Delusion Revolution: 13 Shocking Billionaire Wisdom Bombs That Will Transform Your Startup Into a Billion-Dollar Hallucination
Startups
BREAKING: A Fintech Company That “Connects Your Bank Account to Apps” Now Worth Only $6.1 Billion Instead of $13.4 Billion, CEO Declares “Tremendous Success”...
Startups
BREAKING: VC Obsessed With ‘Shinise’ Businesses Asks Startup to Imagine 100-Year Plan, Founder Has Existential Crisis After Realizing ‘AI-Enabled Blockchain for Pets’ Won’t Solve...
Startups
EXPOSED: 12 Startups Racing to IPO Before AI Makes Them Completely Worthless — Number 7 Will Make You Cry For Their Investors
Startups
REVEALED: Secret Tech CEO Club Admits They’re Just Playing Hot Potato With Worthless Companies — “The Last Investor Holding The Shares Is The True...
Business
Business
RENT-OCALYPSE NOW: Airbnb Solves Housing Crisis By Ensuring No One Can Actually Live Anywhere – A Revolution in Making Homelessness Profitable
Business
BREAKING: Company Spends $10 Million on Viral Marketing Campaign, Gets Outperformed by 10-Year-Old Posting Video of Cat Sneezing on Banana
Business
INTERNET ILLUMINATI EXPOSED: How Big Corporations Hide The Secret Force “Cloudflare” That Makes Websites 700% Faster — And Why Your Blog Is Like A...
Business
SHOCKING: Billionaire Mark Cuban Invents Revolutionary Tech Called ‘Fair Pricing,’ Pharmaceutical Giants Fear Extinction
Business
SHOCKING: LinkedIn’s ‘Verification’ System So Effective Local Dog Now Confirmed as Chief Barketing Officer at Tesla
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Discord Decoded: 7 Extraterrestrial Observations About Humanity’s Digital Asylum
TechOnion Originals
Simba the "Tech King"
-
April 28, 2025
Greetings, fellow cosmic observers. As the chief anthropologist of the Zeta Reticuli Observation Corps, I've spent 47 Earth cycles...
