Simba the "Tech King"
In a gleaming corporate office in Delaware—suspiciously devoid of any actual products—a team of attorneys is huddled around a whiteboard. They’re not designing the next revolutionary technology or solving climate change. Instead, they’re mapping out which companies to sue next over Patent #9,876,543: “A Method for Using Electronic Devices to Perform Tasks,” a patent so vague it could apply to everything from smartphones to smart toasters. Welcome to the surprisingly robust world of patent trolling in 2025, where business is booming at a projected $8.9 billion annual market value.
“Remember when we had to hide what we were doing?” laughs the CEO, adjusting his suspiciously affordable suit. “Now we just call ourselves ‘Non-Practicing Entities’ and get featured in investment portfolios. We’ve disrupted the disruption industry!”
From Bridge Dwellers to Bridge Financiers
Patent trolls—those special corporate entities that produce nothing but lawsuits—were supposed to be endangered by now. A decade of legislative efforts, US Supreme Court decisions, and public shaming campaigns led by everyone from former US president Barack Obama to John Oliver were meant to drive them back under their proverbial bridges. Instead, they’ve evolved from awkward bridge-dwelling creatures into sophisticated financial instruments, complete with their own investor prospectuses and quarterly earnings calls.
“We prefer the term ‘patent monetization specialists,'” explains Bradley Wolfram, Chief Litigation Officer at Quantum Patent Dynamics, straightening his PowerPoint slide titled “Extracting Maximum Value From Other People’s Ideas.” “What we’re really doing is ensuring the patent system works as intended, by making sure inventors get paid for their—” he pauses to check his notes, “—innovations.”
What Wolfram doesn’t mention is that these “inventors” rarely see more than pennies on the dollar. Take the case uncovered by Judge Colm Connolly in Delaware, where a man named Mark Hall couldn’t explain anything about the patent he supposedly owned. When asked how he acquired it without paying money, Hall helpfully replied, “I wouldn’t be able to explain it very well. That would be a better question for Mavexar.” It’s the intellectual property equivalent of being caught wearing stolen clothes and explaining you got them from “a guy in an alley.”
The Beautiful Economic Poetry of Legalized Extortion
The patent troll business model hasn’t changed much since its inception: acquire patents, threaten lawsuits, collect settlements. What has changed is the scale, sophistication, and profitability. According to market analysis, patent trolls (or Non-Practicing Entities if you’re feeling formal) were worth a staggering $5.3 billion in 2024, with projections suggesting they’ll reach $8.9 billion by 2033. That’s a CAGR of 6.3%—better returns than many actual productive industries.
“It’s simply beautiful economics,” explains Dr. Lawrence Extortimer, author of “How to Make Money Without Making Anything.” “The average cost to defend a patent lawsuit is around $3 million, but we set our settlement demand at $65,000. It’s like asking someone if they’d rather buy a luxury car or have their legs broken—most rational actors choose the car.”
Indeed, patent trolls are masters of what economists call “asymmetric warfare.” In 2014, MPHJ Technology Investments sent letters to more than 16,000 small businesses demanding licensing fees of $1,000 to $1,200 per employee. The beautiful part? They never even had to follow through with lawsuits. It’s like a bank robber who only needs to mention they’re thinking about robbing the bank to get paid.
Innovation in Innovation Prevention
While tech companies innovate new products, patent trolls have been innovating new ways to extract money from those who do. Their latest adaptation? Moving to the International Trade Commission (ITC), thanks to the Federal Circuit’s March 2025 decision in Lashify v. ITC.
“The beautiful thing about the ITC,” explains Marina Sharpton, Partner at Fleece, Gouge & Associates, “is that it can block imported products on an expedited timeframe. We don’t even need to prove damages—we just need to show infringement.” She gestures to a wall map covered in red pins. “Look at all those manufacturing dependencies in Asia. Every one of those pins is a potential chokepoint we can exploit.”
The ITC was originally designed to protect American industries from unfair foreign competition. Now it’s protecting American patent trolls from having to wait too long for their paydays. This is like using the fire department to help you set strategic fires.
Thanks to the Lashify and Wuhan Healthgen decisions in early 2025, entities that previously couldn’t satisfy domestic industry requirements can now more easily access the ITC. It’s the legal equivalent of lowering the “You Must Be This Tall To Ride” sign at the litigation amusement park.
The Shell Game Gets an Upgrade
Modern patent trolls have developed sophisticated evasion tactics that would make Russian oligarchs nod in professional respect. Consider the case uncovered by Judge Connolly, where three companies with strange names—Mellaconic IP, Backertop Licensing, and Nimitz Technologies—were all linked to a single patent assertion company called IP Edge. It’s the corporate equivalent of those cup games where you try to guess which shell has the ball, except all the shells are empty, and the ball is in the dealer’s pocket.
In one particularly absurd case, the supposed “owner” of a patent trolling entity was a food-truck operator who had been promised “passive income”. When questioned about the patent he allegedly owned, he responded with legal scholarship rivaling “what patent?” This is like claiming you’re the CEO of Apple but can’t identify an iPhone.
“Corporate structuring is a perfectly legitimate business practice,” insists Nathan Hideaway, founder of PatentFortress LLC, speaking from behind a plant at a Starbucks while wearing sunglasses indoors. “If Amazon can create a complex web of subsidiaries for tax purposes, why can’t we create a complex web of LLCs for litigation purposes? It’s the American way.”
The USPTO: Accidentally Trolling Innovation Since 1836
One might expect the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) to be leading the charge against patent abuse. One would be wrong. In March 2025, the USPTO released a memo making it even harder to fight patent trolls by reinforcing “discretionary denials” of Inter Partes Review (IPR) challenges.
“The USPTO doesn’t get to rewrite the law,” complained one tech company attorney who requested anonymity because their legal department would “have an aneurysm if they knew I was speaking honestly.” “Congress created IPR specifically to provide a way to challenge bad patents quickly. The USPTO is undermining the very tool designed to prevent trolling.”
When asked about this concern, USPTO Commissioner Clarence Grantholder (who definitely has no connections to patent licensing firms) said, “We’re just ensuring that patents receive the respect they deserve as foundational pillars of American innovation.” He then excused himself to take a call from his yacht broker.
The Troll-Industrial Complex
What many don’t realize is that patent trolling has become an entire ecosystem, complete with specialized law firms, financing arrangements, and consulting services. According to market analysis, venture capital and private equity firms now see patent assertion as an investment opportunity, pouring millions into acquiring patent portfolios with litigation potential.
“We’ve securitized patent litigation,” explains Venture Capitalist Miranda Profitson. “It’s like mortgage-backed securities, but instead of bundling mortgages, we’re bundling potential lawsuits. The returns are phenomenal, especially since we face almost no downside risk.”
This financialization has led to the emergence of “patent assertion funds” that operate exactly like investment vehicles, with prospectuses, quarterly reports, and investor dividends. It’s capitalism at its most abstract—making money by threatening to sue people who make actual things.
The Resistance (Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Pay the Troll)
Not all companies roll over when threatened. Some have developed sophisticated counter-troll measures. Cloudflare not only defeated patent troll Sable Networks in February 2024 but made them pay $225,000 and dedicate their patent portfolio to the public4. It’s the legal equivalent of not just defeating the dragon but taking its treasure and distributing it to the peasants.
Washington State Attorney General Bob Ferguson filed the first-ever enforcement action under the state’s Patent Troll Prevention Act against Landmark Technology A, which had been sending threatening letters demanding $65,000 in licensing fees5. It’s like watching a nature documentary where the zebras suddenly pull out shotguns when the lions approach.
These resistance efforts make for great headlines but represent mere speed bumps on the road to patent troll prosperity. For every troll that gets slain, three more pop up with slightly different names and identical business models.
“We’ve developed a litigation avoidance matrix,” explains Stephanie Chen, Chief Defense Strategist at TechDefend Solutions, while demonstrating a complex flowchart. “Step one: determine if it’s cheaper to fight or settle. Step two: if settling, negotiate minimum payment. Step three: absorb the cost and move on with slightly higher product prices that consumers will ultimately bear. It’s just another business expense now, like electricity or coffee supplies.”
The Future: AI Patent Trolls and Beyond
Patent trolls, like any successful parasite, are already adapting to their changing environment. Industry analysts predict the next generation of trolls will leverage artificial intelligence to identify potential targets more efficiently. Some are exploring blockchain-based patent portfolios to further obscure ownership.
“We’re developing an AI system that can identify potential infringement across millions of products simultaneously,” boasts Tristan Convergence, Chief Innovation Officer at PatentPredator Technologies. “The irony of using cutting-edge technology to extract money from other cutting-edge technology isn’t lost on us—we just don’t care.”
The next frontier appears to be international expansion. With the U.S. slowly strengthening some defenses against trolling, many NPEs are looking to emerging markets with less developed patent jurisprudence. It’s like watching invasive species spread to new ecosystems once they’ve depleted their original habitat.
The Circle of Litigious Life
As we reflect on the strange journey of patent trolls from their naming in the late 1990s to today’s sophisticated operations, one thing becomes clear: in a system designed to protect innovation, the most impressive innovation might be how trolls have weaponized that very system against the innovators it was meant to protect.
The patent system was created to incentivize invention by granting temporary monopolies. Instead, it’s become a playground for legal arbitrage where the primary skill is finding ways to tax actual innovation without contributing to it.
Perhaps the final word should go to Dr. Avery Cashgrabber from the Institute of Parasitic Legal Entities: “Patent trolls fill an important ecological niche in the innovation ecosystem. Without us, tech companies might spend all their money on research and development instead of legal fees. And then where would all the lawyers go?”
Where indeed, Dr. Cashgrabber. Where indeed.
Have you ever been on the receiving end of a patent troll demand letter? Did your company develop any creative defense strategies? Share your troll tales in the comments below—just be careful about admitting to using any “method of electronic communication for the purpose of sharing personal experiences,” as I’m pretty sure someone owns that patent too.
Enjoyed this dose of uncomfortable truth? This article is just one layer of the onion.
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