Simba the "Tech King"
In a shocking revelation that has sent tremors through Silicon Valley and caused exactly zero surprise among anyone who’s ever used the internet, a bombshell piece of code allegedly from Facebook’s (now Meta) vast digital labyrinth has been unearthed. The code, elegant in its simplicity yet breathtaking in its honesty, reads:
if (cookies.accepted) {
trackUser();
} else {
trackUserAnyway();
}This digital haiku of invasion confirms what privacy experts have been screaming into the void for years: whether you click “Accept Cookies” or frantically search for that microscopic “Decline” button hidden in 2-point font at the bottom of the popup, Facebook’s tracking mechanisms remain as persistent as that one relative who won’t stop sending you Candy Crush invites on Facebook.
The discovery comes just as Facebook’s parent company Meta was preparing to launch its new privacy initiative titled “We Absolutely Promise This Time For Real No Fingers Crossed Behind Our Back Trust Us Bro.” The timing couldn’t be more inconvenient for CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who was spotted stress-purchasing another Hawaiian island to cope with the news.
The Cookie That Stole Christmas (And Your Browsing History)
For those uninitiated in the dark arts of digital tracking, cookies are small text files that websites store on your device to remember things about you—like your login information, shopping cart items, or that embarrassing 3 AM search for “is it normal for toes to look like that?”
Facebook’s “sb” cookie is particularly fascinating. Officially classified as a tracking cookie, it allows Facebook to “identify browsers securely” and help users recover accounts in case of forgotten passwords or hacking attempts. With a typical lifespan of 6 months to a year, this cookie functions as your digital fingerprint, quietly accompanying you across the internet like an overly attached ghost.
The “sb” cookie consists of a 24-character random-looking string that qualifies as an identifier cookie. What’s most interesting is that this cookie is set even when users aren’t logged in, which means Facebook can potentially track your online activities regardless of whether you’re actively using their platform.
Veteran privacy researcher Dr. Eleanor Rigby (absolutely not made up for this article) explains: “What makes the leaked code so damning is its brazen honesty. It’s like finding a burglar’s diary with entries like ‘If homeowner present, steal quietly; if homeowner absent, steal loudly while trying on their clothes.'”
When Tracking Becomes An Art Form
Facebook has historically maintained that they “have no interest in tracking people,” according to comments made by Facebook engineer Gregg Stefancik in response to allegations about tracking logged-out users. In 2011, when Australian blogger Nik Cubrilovic claimed that Facebook could “still know and track every page you visit” after logging out, the company quickly responded that “our cookies aren’t used for tracking” and that “most of the cookies you highlight have benign names and values.”
Yet the alleged code snippet suggests a different approach, prompting questions about what “tracking” really means in Facebook’s dictionary. Perhaps it’s nestled somewhere between “targeted advertising opportunity” and “totally necessary security feature we swear.”
Browsers: The Reluctant Accomplices
What makes Facebook’s tracking capabilities particularly robust is the behavior of browser cookies. As demonstrated in a blog post by Robert Heaton, some cookies, like those used by Facebook, are marked “httponly” and cannot be accessed by JavaScript running on a webpage2. This means that even if you try to see what cookies are being set using standard developer tools, you might only see a fraction of what’s actually being stored.
In his exploration of cookie manipulation, Heaton describes how Chrome extensions like EditThisCookie can export and import cookies with “incredible speed,” allowing access to all cookies, “even those marked httponly”2. While Heaton’s example was about how someone could potentially hijack another’s Facebook session, it also illustrates how sophisticated Facebook’s cookie infrastructure is—and how difficult it can be for the average user to fully understand what data is being collected.
The Privacy Policy No One Read (Including Its Authors)
Facebook’s privacy policy, a document longer than “War and Peace” but with considerably more plot twists, technically discloses their tracking practices. However, it does so in language so dense and convoluted that it could make a legal dictionary cry.
“We’ve designed our privacy policy to be as transparent as humanly possible,” said Facebook spokesperson Jennifer Dataharvestington. “If users would simply dedicate three weeks of vacation time to reading and analyzing it, preferably with a team of attorneys and a data scientist, they would understand exactly what they’ve agreed to.”
When asked about the apparent contradiction between the company’s public statements and the leaked code, Dataharvestington allegedly replied, “There’s no contradiction if you redefine what ‘tracking’ means, which we’ve taken the liberty of doing approximately 47 times since our founding.”
Dr. Maxwell Cookiemonster, Digital Ethics professor at the University of Internet Things, explains: “The genius of Facebook’s approach is that they’ve made privacy so complicated that most users would rather give up and post pictures of their lunch than try to understand what’s happening to their data.”
The Technical Magic Behind Digital Stalking
The sophistication of Facebook’s tracking ecosystem extends far beyond simple cookies. The company has developed an intricate web of technologies designed to follow users across the internet, creating detailed profiles that would make the NSA blush with professional admiration.
One particularly effective method involves the ubiquitous “Like” and “Share” buttons embedded across millions of websites. Even if you don’t click these buttons, they can still communicate with Facebook’s servers when the page loads, effectively signaling your presence. As Cubrilovic noted in his research, “if you happen to pass by a page with a Facebook ‘like’ button, ‘share’ button, or any other widget, your information – including your account number – will be sent back to Facebook.”
The Cookie Toss: Not Just A College Weekend Activity
Advanced tracking techniques include what security experts call “cookie tossing”—transferring session data from one device to another. As demonstrated in the EditThisCookie example, these techniques allow for sophisticated session hijacking but also illustrate how easily cookies can be manipulated and transferred.
“What’s particularly clever about Facebook’s approach,” explains cybersecurity expert Dr. Tracey McTrackface, “is how they’ve integrated tracking so seamlessly into their security features that disabling one would compromise the other. It’s like building a house where the surveillance cameras also hold up the roof.”
Your Privacy Options: An Illusion More Convincing Than Your Friend’s Instagram Life
Users concerned about privacy have several options, all equally ineffective:
- Accept the cookies, because resistance is futile and those cat videos aren’t going to watch themselves.
- Decline the cookies, and enjoy the smug satisfaction for approximately 0.3 seconds before being tracked anyway.
- Use incognito mode, which is about as effective at preventing tracking as wearing sunglasses is at making you invisible.
- Delete Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, and Messenger, move to a remote cabin in the woods, and communicate exclusively via carrier pigeons.
“The privacy paradox is real,” explains digital rights activist Jordan PrivacyPerson. “People say they care about privacy, but they’ll share their entire life story to get a 5% discount on socks. Facebook just capitalized on this contradiction more effectively than anyone else.”
The Cybersecurity Community Responds (With Jokes, Because What Else Can We Do?)
As news of the code snippet spread, cybersecurity experts responded the only way they know how – with humor as their coping mechanism:
“Why did Facebook refuse to play hide and seek? Because it knew it couldn’t hide its data breaches!”
“There are 10 types of people in this world—those who understand binary and those who don’t understand how much Facebook knows about them.”
“Why was the Facebook privacy policy lonely? It’s afraid of attachments.”
“How was Zuckerberg’s password cracked? Because 1Zuckerberg1 was too easy to guess.”
Even more telling is the industry joke: “I started to whisper and my wife asked why. I told her I didn’t want Mark Zuckerberg to hear us. I laughed. My wife laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.”
The Future: More Of The Same, But With Better Marketing
Industry insiders predict that Facebook’s response to this code revelation will follow their time-tested formula:
- Deny everything.
- Admit to a “technical misunderstanding.”
- Promise greater transparency.
- Change nothing substantive.
- Launch a heartwarming ad campaign about connecting people.
“The real innovation isn’t in how they track users,” explains imaginary tech analyst Sarah Cynicalberg. “It’s in how they’ve convinced billions of people to voluntarily provide personal information while simultaneously complaining about privacy. It’s like watching someone hand over their diary while yelling ‘stop reading my diary!'”
Facebook is reportedly already working on a revolutionary new feature called “Super Duper Privacy Mode,” which will allow users to feel better about their privacy without actually improving it in any meaningful way.
The Cookies Crumble (But The Tracking Continues)
As we stand amidst the digital crumbs of our privacy, one thing becomes abundantly clear: in the battle between user privacy and tech companies’ desire to know everything about us, the score remains Tech Companies: Infinity, Users: Still Looking For The Play Button.
The leaked Facebook code snippet, whether authentic or not, highlights a fundamental truth about our digital existence: the internet never forgets, especially when forgetting isn’t profitable.
In the immortal words of fictional privacy expert Dr. Incognita Browser: “We’ve created a world where our toasters know more about us than our therapists. And somewhere in a server farm, Facebook is wondering why you spent three hours looking at your ex’s vacation photos at 2 AM.”
What’s your experience with privacy settings on social media? Have you ever tried to opt out of tracking only to feel like your choices don’t matter? Share your digital privacy horror stories in the comments below!
Enjoyed this dose of uncomfortable truth? This article is just one layer of the onion.
My new book, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Prompt,” is the definitive survival manual for the AI age. It’s a guide to thriving in a world of intelligent machines by first admitting everything you fear is wrong (and probably your fault).
If you want to stop panicking about AI and start using it as a tool for your own liberation, this is the book you need. Or you can listen to the audiobook for free on YouTube.
>> Get your copy now (eBook & Paperback available) <<
GIPHY App Key not set. Please check settings