In what financial experts are calling “the most honest fraud she’s ever committed,” disgraced Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes has reportedly begun raising $2 million for what she describes as “just a casual dinner” at Mar-a-Lago with President Donald Trump—a meal that coincidentally costs exactly the same amount as Trevor Milton’s recent presidential pardon.
The campaign, launched on a new platform called “LastResort,” comes just days after news broke that Nikola founder Trevor Milton received a presidential pardon following his $2 million political donation. Holmes, currently serving an 11-year sentence for wire fraud and conspiracy, insists the timing is “purely coincidental” and that she “just really enjoys the ambiance and overcooked steaks” at Trump’s Florida resort.
“This is not about a pardon,” Holmes said in a video statement filmed from prison, while somehow managing to maintain her signature unblinking stare and artificially deepened voice. “This is about sharing my revolutionary ideas for healthcare reform over chocolate cake. The fact that $2 million is now the established market rate for a tech founder pardon is completely unrelated to my sudden interest in fine dining at Mar-a-Lago.”
The FraudFunder Campaign
Holmes’ crowdfunding page, which has already raised $347,000 from various Silicon Valley investors who apparently learned nothing from her first fraud, outlines her dinner plans in meticulous detail. The campaign, titled “Elizabeth’s Innocent Dinner (Not a Pardon Attempt),” features stretch goals including “make meaningful eye contact with Trump ($500K),” “mention my unfair prosecution ($750K),” and “casually leave pardon paperwork next to the dessert menu ($1.5M).”
Holmes has also reportedly hired consultants from PardonPal, the controversial new startup specializing in helping tech founders navigate the pardon procurement process. PardonPal CEO Chad Whitehaven confirmed the arrangement, telling TechOnion, “We’re simply helping Ms. Holmes optimize her dinner conversation to maximize ROI. Our proprietary ‘Pardon Probability Algorithm’ suggests that with the right combination of flattery, victimhood narratives, and strategic donation timing, she has a 78.4% chance of leaving Mar-a-Lago with a get-out-of-jail-free card.”
According to internal documents obtained exclusively by TechOnion, Holmes has been working with image consultants to scrub her social media of anything that could be construed as anti-Trump. The “Digital Redemption Strategy” document details plans to delete 347 tweets, remove 42 Instagram posts featuring her with Democratic politicians, and explain away a 2016 photo with Hillary Clinton as “research for a blood testing project that never materialized—much like all our other blood testing projects.”
The Mar-a-Lago Makeover
In preparation for the dinner, Holmes has reportedly undergone what insiders are calling a “MAGA Makeover.” Her trademark black turtleneck has been replaced with a red “Make America Great Again” turtleneck, and she’s practicing replacing her usual stare with what her coaches call “the adoring Ivanka gaze.”
“Elizabeth is a quick study,” said image consultant Brayden Williams. “She’s already mastered saying ‘Nobody has been treated more unfairly by the deep state than me—except you, Mr. President’ without breaking character. We’re working on her ability to laugh at jokes about renewable energy while maintaining eye contact.”
The dinner itself, scheduled for what her team calls “the first available pardoning window,” is estimated to cost approximately $45,000, leaving $1,955,000 unaccounted for. When questioned about the discrepancy, Holmes’ representatives explained that the remainder would go toward “dinner-adjacent expenses” including a gold-plated donation check presentation ceremony, commemorative NFTs of the meal, and what they cryptically described as “justice facilitation fees.”
The Pardon Pipeline
Holmes’ strategy appears to be part of a growing trend among convicted tech executives. According to data from the Institute for Techno-Legal Analysis, a think tank that definitely exists, applications for presidential pardons from tech founders have increased 3,700% since the Milton pardon was announced.
“What we’re seeing is the emergence of a clear pardon pipeline,” explained Dr. Jennifer Cavanagh, the Institute’s chief researcher. “The formula is remarkably consistent: commit massive fraud, get caught, claim persecution, donate $2 million, receive pardon, write memoir about being canceled. It’s almost as predictable as the venture capital funding cycle, except with better returns.”
The institute’s recent report, “From Fraudster to Free: The New Tech Founder Escape Hatch,” reveals that 97% of tech founders now include potential pardon expenses in their business plans, with some even creating dedicated “Legal Oopsie Reserves” to cover eventual donations.
“It’s just good business,” explained venture capitalist Morgan Strickland of Perpetual Disruption Partners. “We now require all our portfolio companies to set aside ‘pardon insurance’ funds. It’s actually reducing our risk exposure. Why worry about fraud charges when you can just budget for the pardon? It’s the ultimate hedge.”
A Revolutionary Blood Test… For Political Viability
Holmes’ prison consultants have reportedly helped her develop a new pitch specifically tailored to appeal to Trump. The centerpiece of her dinner conversation will be a proposed “revolutionary” blood test that Holmes claims can identify “deep state operatives” with 99.9% accuracy using only a single drop of blood.
“This time the technology actually works,” Holmes plans to tell Trump, according to prepared talking points leaked to TechOnion. “One tiny blood sample can reveal if someone has ever voted Democrat, shared Barack Obama content online, or secretly listened to NPR. It’s the perfect vetting tool for your administration.”
Holmes has also prepared a slideshow demonstrating how her proprietary “MAGA-NETIC” testing technology could have prevented various White House leaks and identified “disloyal” staff members. The presentation includes mock-ups of testing machines decorated with eagles, flags, and gold-plated blood collection devices shaped like little border walls.
The Ethics Committee Weighs In
Not everyone is amused by Holmes’ apparent attempt to purchase a pardon. The American Association of Ethical Technology Entrepreneurs, which counts among its members three people who haven’t been indicted for fraud, issued a stern statement condemning the move.
“This undermines the integrity of both our justice system and the tech industry,” said chairperson Dr. Alicia Montgomery. “Pardons should be based on genuine miscarriages of justice, not the size of one’s political contribution or ability to compliment someone’s golf swing.”
When reached for comment, the Department of Justice declined to comment directly on Holmes’ case but noted that they’ve created a new “Predictable Pardon” unit specifically to prepare for cases where convictions will likely be overturned through political donations.
“It’s actually saving us a lot of paperwork,” admitted one anonymous DOJ official. “We now include pardon probability scores in all our prosecution plans. For certain wealthy defendants, we just use erasable ink on the sentencing documents.”
The Public Response
Public reaction to Holmes’ fundraising campaign has been mixed. A Twitter (now X) poll conducted by @TechBrosUnited found that 62% of respondents believed it was “totally fair game,” while 38% called it “the most honest thing she’s ever done.”
Former Theranos employees have been less enthusiastic. A group calling themselves “Actually Victimized by Elizabeth Holmes” issued a statement questioning why someone who claimed to have revolutionary technology that could help millions was now focusing her “genius” on securing her own freedom rather than making amends.
Holmes addressed these concerns in an investor update, claiming that securing her release would actually benefit humanity: “The world needs innovators who aren’t afraid to break a few rules and eggs and laws,” she wrote. “Once pardoned, I plan to launch Theranos 2.0, which will revolutionize healthcare by offering the world’s first blood test that can predict your compatibility with presidential candidates with just a drop of blood applied to a MAGA hat.”
The Mar-a-Lago Menu
TechOnion has obtained an exclusive copy of the proposed dinner menu, which includes appetizers such as “Witch Hunt Wild Mushroom Soup,” “Deep State Deep-Fried Calamari,” and a main course of “Perfectly Innocent Prime Rib with a side of Exoneration Potatoes.”
The dessert options include “No Collusion Chocolate Cake,” “Totally Cleared Tiramisu,” and a special “PardonPudding” that comes with a hidden compartment containing pre-signed pardon paperwork.
Holmes has reportedly been practicing eating with prison utensils to prepare for the formal dinner setting and has requested that all blood-red foods be removed from the menu “for optics purposes.”
The Analyst Perspective
Wall Street has taken notice of this new trend, with several investment banks creating “Pardon Speculation” indexes that track companies whose executives might soon need presidential forgiveness.
“We’re actually seeing a new market inefficiency,” explained Morgan Stanley analyst Rebecca Chen. “Stocks tend to drop when executives are convicted, but then surge when pardon rumors emerge. We’re advising clients to invest heavily in companies run by charismatic fraudsters with good political connections.”
Chen’s recent report, “The Pardon Premium: Investing in Tomorrow’s Legally Questionable Unicorns,” suggests that investors can achieve returns of up to 340% by identifying companies likely to commit fraud but with executives likable enough to secure eventual pardons.
The Unexpected Twist
In a surprising development that even Holmes didn’t see coming, former Theranos board member and former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger has reportedly offered to personally escort Holmes to the dinner and “put in a good word,” noting that he “knows a thing or two about controversial pardons.”
Kissinger, who has maintained a low profile since the Theranos scandal, told associates that he sees “great synergy between Holmes’ talent for obfuscation and the current political climate,” adding that her ability to “make people believe impossible things” could be “an asset to the nation in these troubled times.”
According to sources close to Holmes, she was initially reluctant to accept Kissinger’s help, believing her own persuasive abilities would be sufficient. However, after prison consultants showed her data indicating that “pardon success rates increase 87% with endorsement from controversial historical figures,” she agreed to the arrangement.
As of press time, Holmes had updated her crowdfunding page to include a new stretch goal: “Kissinger-Escorted Grand Entrance ($1.8M)” with the tagline “Nothing says ‘I deserve freedom’ like arriving with someone who’s navigated complex moral territories before.”
When asked for comment on Holmes’ dinner plans, a Mar-a-Lago representative would neither confirm nor deny the reservation but noted that they “have updated our blood testing protocols for all guests” and that “all Edison machines must be checked at the door.”
Help Fund Our Legal Defense Against Theranos 3.0! Your donation supports TechOnion's continued investigation into the pardon-industrial complex. For just $20—a thousandth of a presidential pardon—you can help us maintain our independence as we track Holmes' dinner conversation and any suspicious turtleneck-wearing blonde women suddenly appearing at Mar-a-Lago in the coming months. Remember, if we don't raise enough funds, we might have to start our own fraudulent blood testing company just to afford a pardon later!
