It was the best of algorithms, it was the worst of quarterly reports for SaaS companies. In the grand bazaar of enterprise software, where dreams are sold by the seat and nightmares are delivered by the server rack, the year 2024 has produced a spectacle so magnificent in its absurdity that even the most seasoned […] More
“Begin at the beginning,” the March Hare might have said, if he were a product manager at OpenAI, “and go on till you come to the end: then stop.” But in the curious case of artificial intelligence in 2025, our digital Alice finds herself in a wonderland where the Mad Hatter can recite quantum physics […] More
It was the best of algorithms, it was the worst of algorithms. In the grand theater of Silicon Valley’s endless melodrama, we have witnessed perhaps the most exquisite moment of poetic justice since Narcissus glimpsed his own reflection in the pool. Elon Musk, the self-proclaimed champion of free speech and algorithmic transparency, has been publicly […] More
In the peculiar tradition of Silicon Valley venture capital, where the most mundane human activities are inevitably reimagined as “trillion-dollar market opportunities,” Andreessen Horowitz has unveiled their latest thesis: AI x Commerce. This represents their belief that artificial intelligence will fundamentally transform how we shop, from product discovery to evaluation, timing, and purchase completion. The […] More
In a move that would make the Ministry of Truth’s propaganda department weep with professional envy, artificial intelligence startup Perplexity has announced its intention to purchase Google Chrome for $34.5 billion. This figure represents nearly twice the startup’s own valuation of $18 billion, proving once again that in our brave new digital world, mathematical impossibility […] More
A tragic tale of algorithmic romance and the death of keyword courtship In what relationship experts are calling “the most significant romantic disruption since dating apps convinced us that love could be optimized through swipe mechanics,” millions of users worldwide are abandoning their longtime search companion Google for the sweet, conversational embrace of AI chatbots. […] More
In a stunning development that has shaken Silicon Valley to its core-processing units, researchers have confirmed what Roman centurions have suspected for millennia: today’s most advanced AI Large Language Models cannot reliably interpret or generate Roman numerals. The same systems that supposedly threaten human civilization struggle with a counting system mastered by average third-graders and […] More
In a move that has shocked absolutely no one following the “throw AI spaghetti at the wall” strategy of modern tech companies, OpenAI has once again pivoted to the next big thing that will definitely change everything forever this time: Codex. The AI system promises to transform software programming by doing what developers have been […] More
In a stunning display of technological anticlimax that rivals the launch of Google Glass and the Segway combined, OpenAI’s much-heralded GPT Store has transformed from “the future of AI ecosystems” to “that thing we all forgot existed faster than you can say ‘paradigm shift.’” The digital storefront that promised to revolutionize how we interact with […] More
In a stunning display of technological efficiency, the artificial intelligence industry has managed to solve one of humanity’s most pressing problems: what to do with all that surplus electricity we apparently have lying around. While some naive environmentalists worried about reducing power consumption to combat climate change, Silicon Valley’s brightest minds have heroically discovered how […] More
In a bold move that answers the question absolutely no one was asking — “How can we make AI prohibitively expensive?” — Google has unveiled Google AI Ultra, a premium tier of artificial intelligence specifically designed for users who find regular AI embarrassingly affordable. The new offering, priced at what industry insiders describe as “approximately […] More
In what has become a quarterly necessity for the tech industry, TechOnion presents our updated encyclopedia of Google’s AI products, initiatives, moonshots, fever dreams, and “definitely still supported” projects that have already been secretly marked for execution. This living document remains the only comprehensive record of Google’s increasingly fractal AI ecosystem, which now features more […] More
Enter your account data and we will send you a link to reset your password.
To use social login you have to agree with the storage and handling of your data by this website. %privacy_policy%
AcceptHere you'll find all collections you've created before.