Simba
The Emperor’s New Suit
by Simba Mudonzvo (Author and Founder of TechOnion)
4.5 ★★★★★ (19,880)
What if Elon Musk is just lying—not dreaming big, not being optimistic, but genuinely, provably, mathematically lying about working 120 hours per week whilst gaming 100+ hours, which is 220 hours in a 168-hour week—and we’ve been applauding not despite the impossible maths but because of it, because we’ve confused Net Worth with IQ with Infallibility, the same equation that made us worship pharaohs who promised eternal life and dot-com CEOs who promised infinite growth?
The Emperor’s New Suit answers the questions you’re not allowed to ask at dinner parties without being called a Luddite (or worse!): Where’s Mars (population: zero)? Where’s Full Self-Driving (promised annually since 2014)? Where are the Neuralink patients who aren’t corpses with FDA violations? It’s Catch-22 meets Hitchhiker’s Guide meets Sapiens—10,000 years of humans applauding invisible suits, from Pharaoh’s eternal pyramid scheme to Elon’s Mars pyramid scheme, except this time the Emperor isn’t just naked, he’s selling us the shovel to dig our own graves on a frozen desert he’s convinced us is paradise, and we’re arguing about the shovel’s brand whilst standing in the hole.
What’s Inside
The Emperor’s New Suit – Why the most successful product launch of the 21st century was a pair of invisible trousers sold by two guys who dropped out of Stanford to disrupt the concept of fabric
Prologue: The Economics of the Invisible – In which we attempt to calculate how a man can run six companies, save humanity, and reach the top 1% of Diablo IV players without technically inventing a time machine
Epigraph – A dictionary definition for the end of the world, provided by a child who knows how to count but doesn’t have a Bloomberg terminal or run an AI startup
Part I: Old Testament – In which we learn that Fire was the first subscription service, and Agriculture was just a Ponzi scheme that paid out in cavities and taxes
The Death of Freedom – Proof that the only difference between a maximum-security prison and a Mars Colony is the marketing budget
The Death of the Human Body – In which we discover that the human spine was not designed for gluten or sitting down at a desk buried in Microsoft Excel
The Death of Equality – Why the only difference between a slave ship and an Amazon Fulfilment Centre is the quality of the Wi-Fi
The Death of Peace – In which we learn that the microwave oven is just a submarine-hunting weapon that decided to settle down and raise a family of heated leftovers
The Death of Meaning – In which we learn that the first sentence ever written wasn’t a poem, but a passive-aggressive invoice for twenty-nine bushels of barley
The Death of the Artisan – In which we learn that the ‘Good Ol’ Days’ were actually just days when you could show up to work hungover and not get arrested
The Death of Time – In which we learn that ‘Insomnia’ is actually just your ancestors trying to have a chat at 2 AM, and you are ignoring them to check Instagram
The Death of the Family – Why your boss calls you ‘family’ only when he needs you to work unpaid overtime, but never when you need to borrow money
The Death of Individuality – In which we learn that your ‘Unique Personal Style’ was actually decided by a board of directors in 1929 who thought you looked profitable
The Death of the Earth – In which Thomas Midgley Jr. proves that the only thing more dangerous than a villain is an engineer trying to be helpful
The Death of the Tool – In which Steve Jobs convinces the world that a computer you can’t open is a ‘bicycle for the mind,’ and Bill Gates figures out how to charge rent on the alphabet
Part II: The New Testament – In which the Geeks inherit the Earth, put on black turtlenecks, and immediately start charging us a monthly subscription to exist on it
The Original Sin of the Internet – In which we learn that David Bowie was an actual time traveller who tried to warn us that the Internet was an alien, and we responded by inventing TikTok
The Apostles – In which Elon Musk proves that revenge is a dish best served twenty-three years later at a cost of forty-four billion dollars
The Incarnation – In which Steve Jobs convinces humanity to buy a $1,000 tracking anklet by calling it ‘magic’ and removing the only part that wasn’t glass
The Sermon on the Feed – Why the internet is now just five websites, each consisting of screenshots from the other four, interrupted by ads for gambling apps
The Golden Calf – Why the only difference between a crypto ‘community’ and a Ponzi scheme is that the Ponzi scheme usually has better customer service
Death of Fun – How we replaced the family living room with five separate screens so Netflix could charge us five separate times for the privilege of ignoring each other
Consumerism, AI, and the Collapse of Demand – In which we learn that the only way to cancel Amazon Prime is to fake your own death, and even then, they’ll probably just charge your estate
Hardware and the Rehearsal for the Battlefield – In which we learn that your Roomba isn’t cleaning your floor; it is drawing a tactical map for a private equity firm in Shenzhen, China
Software Eats Everything (Including Your Wallet) – Why the most terrifying phrase in the English language is ‘Moving Forward,’ because it means something free just got a price tag
Artificial Intelligence and the War on Human Cognition – How we built a god that doesn’t know the difference between the truth and a lie, but is willing to go to federal court to defend its right to make things up
The Future of Work and the Last Useful Human – In which we learn that the ‘Gig Economy’ is just Victorian workhouses with better app icons and a five-star rating system
The Mark of the Beast – In which Elon Musk drills a hole in a monkey’s head to teach it to play Pong, and we applaud because the monkey looks like it’s having fun
Armageddon – How the apocalypse won’t be a nuclear war, but a slow realization that you can’t unsubscribe from the end of the world
The Ascension – How the ultimate escape plan for billionaires turned out to be a very expensive tomb with a great view of the paradise they ruined
Product Details
| Title: | The Emperor’s New Suit: (A Satirical History of Humanity and Technology) | (We considered “Why Elon Musk Can’t Count to 168” but the lawyers advised against it) |
| Author: | Simba Mudonzvo | (British-Zimbabwean writer who survived one emperor and is now professionally annoying another) |
| Publisher: | TechOnion | (Independent publisher with zero billionaire investors, which explains our zero marketing budget) |
| Series: | TechOnion Press | (Series of three (so far), but we’re ambitious) |
| Publication Date: | 14 January 2026 | (Released on a Saturday (sunset), which according to Elon’s timeline is when the apocalypse arrives) |
| Language: | English (British) | (American spelling would give us hives. It’s “colour” and “analysing,” deal with it) |
| Print Length: | 669 pages | (That’s 666 pages plus 3 pages of hope. The number was coincidental, the symbolism was not) |
| File Size: | 3.1 MB | (Smaller than one Elon Musk tweet storm, contains 100x more verifiable facts) |
| ASIN: | B0GGJ7MPW7 | (Amazon’s way of tracking how many people are reading critiques of Amazon’s founder’s space rival) |
| ISBN-13: | – | (The Dewey Decimal System’s way of saying “We see you, satirist”) |
| Primary Categories: | Books > Humor & Entertainment > Humor > Satire | (Where Douglas Adams lives, and we’re renting the flat next door) |
| Books > Humor & Entertainment > Humor > Political | (Because tech billionaires are the new politicians, except with worse haircuts and better rockets (allegedly)) | |
| Books > Business & Money > Biography & History > Company Histories | (History of companies that promised everything and delivered lawsuits) | |
| Goodreads Genre: | Nonfiction > Humor Nonfiction > History > Technology Nonfiction > Business > Economics Humor > Satire Science > Technology Politics > Political Commentary Philosophy > Social Philosophy | (Goodreads users will eventually categorize this as “Books That Made Me Throw My Kindle” and we’re okay with that) |
| Basic Codes: | HUM003000 – HUMOR / Form / Satire SOC052000 – SOCIAL SCIENCE / Technology Studies BUS070030 – BUSINESS & ECONOMICS / Economic History TEC052000 – TECHNOLOGY & ENGINEERING / Social Aspects HIS036010 – HISTORY / Social History POL036000 – POLITICAL SCIENCE / History & Theory | (BISAC codes are how bookshops know which shelf to put you on before Amazon bankrupts them) |
| Subject Headings: | Satire, American (except it’s British, but close enough for the Americans) Technology—Social aspects—Humor Silicon Valley—Satire | (Librarians are heroes who organize human knowledge. This book tests their patience.) |
| Rating: | 17+ | (Infrequent strong language, satirical violence against ideas) |
| Content Advisory: | Sarcasm, British Wit, Uncomfortable Truths, Satire | (Apple’s rating system wasn’t designed for books that make you question your iPhone subscription. Here we are anyway.) |
| Copyright: | © 2026 Simba Mudonzvo / TechOnion LTD | (Apple’s rating system wasn’t designed for books that make you question your iPhone subscription. Here we are anyway.) |
| Social Media Hashtags: | #TheEmperorsNewSuit #TechSatire #ElonMuskCritique #DigitalFeudalism #SiliconValleySatire #TechSkeptic #EnoughMuskSpam #TechCriticism #ReadersOfReddit #SatiricalNonFiction #BooksLikeHitchhikers #ModernSatire | (Hashtags are how we manipulate algorithms to fight algorithmic manipulation. Circle of life.) |
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