In the gleaming corridors of what used to be the U.S. Digital Services – now rebranded as the U.S. DOGE Service – a revolution is unfolding. Elon Musk, the man who promised to colonize Mars, revolutionize transportation, and implant chips in human brains, has now set his sights on a truly impossible challenge: making the U.S. government efficient.
The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), despite not being an official government department (because only Congress can create those, but why let constitutional details get in the way of disruption?), has become Musk’s latest venture.1 And like any good Silicon Valley founder, he’s applying the same proven strategy that has worked for all his companies: setting impossible goals, demanding employees work like they’re possessed, sending bizarre late-night communications, and leaving just before the consequences arrive.2
The Lean Government Canvas
Musk’s approach to government transformation follows the classic lean startup methodology. First, identify a problem: government inefficiency. Second, propose a solution so audacious it sounds made up: cut $1-2 trillion from federal spending.3 Third, build a Minimum Viable Product: in this case, a Minimum Viable Presidency where essential services like Social Security and Medicare are treated as optional features that can be cut from the sprint if they don’t show immediate ROI.4
“We need to run the government like we run SpaceX,” Musk reportedly told a room full of civil servants with 30-year careers in public administration. “When code doesn’t work, we delete it. When a rocket explodes, we build another one. When employees complain about bathroom breaks, we remind them that Mars isn’t colonizing itself.”
The bewildered federal employees nodded, wondering if their healthcare benefits could survive a rapid iteration cycle.
Pivoting the Constitution
One of DOGE’s most innovative strategies has been its willingness to “pivot” away from constitutional constraints. When faced with the reality that only the US Congress can create departments or appropriate funds, the DOGE team simply reframed the limitation as “legacy thinking” that needed disruption.5
“The Constitution is basically just version 1.0 of the government’s operating system,” explained a DOGE spokesperson who previously worked at three failed NFT marketplaces. “It was written when people used quills. We use Slack now. Evolution is inevitable.”
This approach has led to several “growth hacks,” such as demanding all federal employees justify their existence in five bullet points or face automatic “user churn” (previously known as “firing”), attempting to access and modify sensitive Treasury payment systems (dismissed as “just playing around in the sandbox”), and declaring entire agencies redundant after a 12-minute evaluation (described as “efficient decision velocity”).6
The Crazy Uncle Economy
Inside sources report that many in the Trump administration have taken to calling Elon Musk “Crazy Uncle Elon,” a nickname that captures both his penchant for dad jokes and his resemblance to that relative who corners you at Thanksgiving to explain his theory about how the microwave is spying on him.
“I’ve shared a room with Elon Musk, and he constantly attempts to be humorous,” a senior Trump administration official told Rolling Stone. “And he simply isn’t funny. Not even close.”
This communication style has permeated DOGE’s operations. Federal agencies now receive policy directives interspersed with memes, references to ’69,’ and occasional graphic sexual images sent to federal employees. When one department head questioned whether this was appropriate government communication, they reportedly received a response consisting solely of the ‘Deal With It’ sunglasses GIF.
The East India Company 2.0 has arrived, and it communicates exclusively in impact font.
The Data-Driven Government (Your Data, His Government)
Perhaps the most concerning aspect of DOGE’s operation is its unprecedented access to sensitive government systems. Reports indicate DOGE employees have obtained permission to view data in the U.S. government’s payment system, which includes bank account information, Social Security numbers, and income tax documents.
This has led to what Musk calls “data-driven governance.” In startup parlance, this means making decisions based on metrics and analytics. In practical terms, it means a Tesla engineer with no government experience now potentially has access to your tax returns.
“This is just standard A/B testing,” Musk explained when questioned about reports that DOGE was experimenting with blocking certain government payments. “We’re seeing what happens if we just don’t send Social Security checks to, say, every third person. Does it really impact quality of life metrics? The data will tell us.”
When reminded that these “metrics” represent actual human beings depending on those payments, Musk reportedly became defensive. “Look, every great product requires user sacrifice. You think the first Tesla didn’t catch fire sometimes? Excellence requires iteration.”
The Conflict of Interest Economy
The most remarkable achievement of DOGE may be its ability to transform potential conflicts of interest into what Musk calls “vertical integration opportunities.”
Consider that Musk controls companies with billions in federal contracts, including SpaceX, Tesla, The Boring Company, Neuralink, and xAI, and now has direct access to the inner workings of the very agencies that oversee and pay for those contracts.
In any previous administration, this might have raised ethical concerns. In the DOGE era, it’s simply described as “eliminating inefficient middlemen” and “streamlining the value chain.”
“It just makes sense,” explained a DOGE team member wearing a ‘HODL Government’ t-shirt. “Why should Elon have to wait for some bureaucrat to approve a SpaceX payment when he can just approve it himself? That cuts out like, three weeks of paperwork.”
The Hackathon Governance Model
One of DOGE’s signature innovations is the introduction of “hackathons” to solve intractable government problems. These events bring together Silicon Valley technologists to spend a weekend developing solutions to complex issues that career public servants have spent decades addressing.7
“We had this amazing hackathon to solve the Social Security processing backlog,” enthused a DOGE product manager. “These incredible developers who’ve never worked in benefits administration spent 48 hours fueled by Red Bull and came up with an app that lets seniors rate their caseworkers with emoji. Disruption complete!”
When asked whether the app addressed the fundamental funding and staffing issues plaguing Social Security, the product manager appeared confused. “No, no, you don’t understand startup methodology. First, you build something simple that doesn’t work very well but has good user experience (UX). Then you raise more money based on user growth. The actual functionality comes in version 3.0, after you’ve achieved unicorn status.”
The seniors, meanwhile, continue waiting for their benefits.
The Minimum Viable Democracy
As Musk’s 130-day cap on government work approaches, questions remain about what lasting impact DOGE will have. Will it truly transform government, or will it join the long list of Musk projects that began with bold promises but faced significant delays and scaled-back expectations?
“I think what most people don’t understand is that democracy itself is just another product,” explained a venture capitalist who serves as an unofficial DOGE advisor. “And like any product, you need to focus on your power users – in this case, billionaires and corporations – while paying just enough attention to the free-tier users – regular US citizens – to maintain growth metrics.”
When asked what metrics DOGE uses to measure success, the advisor shrugged. “The usual: reduced headcount, increased founder control, and a valuation that bears no relationship to actual performance. Standard unicorn stuff.”
The Exit Strategy
As with any startup founder, Musk appears to have a carefully planned exit strategy. Recent announcements indicate he will reduce his DOGE commitment to “just one or two days per week” starting in May, just as legal challenges mount and the practical difficulties of government transformation become apparent.
This follows the classic Silicon Valley pattern: make grandiose promises, attract massive attention, encounter difficult realities, then gradually distance yourself while maintaining enough connection to claim credit for any successes while avoiding blame for failures.
“Elon is a visionary,” explained a DOGE spokesperson. “His job is to see the future and point at it, not necessarily to build the actual road that gets us there. That’s for the operations team.”
When asked who comprises this operations team, the spokesperson gestured vaguely at the depleted federal workforce, many of whom were currently updating their LinkedIn profiles.
The Blockchain Government
Among DOGE’s most ambitious proposals is putting “everything on the blockchain” to ensure transparency. This initiative promises to make government spending data public and tamper-proof – a noble goal that somehow neglects to address how this technology would work with existing federal systems, many of which still run on COBOL.
“We’re going to NFT the entire federal budget,” declared a DOGE blockchain evangelist who previously worked on seven discontinued cryptocurrency projects. “Each department will be a token, and citizens can vote on funding allocations with their governance tokens. It’s direct democracy plus DeFi. Revolutionary!”
When asked how elderly Americans without crypto wallets would participate in this system, the evangelist appeared momentarily stumped before brightening. “That’s what’s so genius about it – if you can’t figure out how to set up a wallet, you probably shouldn’t be voting on fiscal policy anyway. Self-selecting user base!”
The ‘Yes Minister’ Reality
The DOGE experiment has drawn comparisons to the British satirical series “Yes Minister,” where bureaucracy isn’t just a system, but a labyrinth engineered to perpetuate itself. In the show, civil servants expertly stonewall any attempt at change, wielding obscure regulations and jargon as weapons.
Now Musk, like the fictional Jim Hacker, finds himself promising revolutionary change while confronting a government machine that has perfected the art of inertia. The difference is that Musk doesn’t have a Sir Humphrey Appleby to explain why his ideas won’t work – he simply fires anyone who tries.
“The civil service doesn’t resist change because it’s inefficient,” explained a former government efficiency expert. “It resists change because stability is its product. Musk is treating a nuclear power plant like it’s a mobile app – you can’t just turn it off and on again without consequences.”
The Real DOGE Revolution
Perhaps the most profound insight revealed by the DOGE experiment isn’t about government efficiency at all. It’s about the growing convergence of corporate and government power in the hands of a tech elite who view democratic governance as just another legacy system ripe for disruption.
In 1600, the British East India Company began as a trading firm before gradually acquiring quasi-governmental powers and ultimately ruling over colonies. Today, we’re witnessing a similar pattern, but at digital speed. The Department of Government Efficiency represents not just an attempt to streamline bureaucracy but a fundamental rethinking of who government serves and who should control it.
As DOGE continues its mission to “eliminate the tyranny of bureaucracy,” one can’t help but wonder if we’re simply exchanging one form of tyranny for another – replacing slow-moving, accountable public institutions with the whims of billionaires who move fast, break things, and answer to no one.
But hey, at least the memes are dank!
Have thoughts on Musk’s government efficiency revolution? Do you think running government like a startup is the future or a Silicon Valley fever dream? Has DOGE actually accomplished anything besides generating headlines and lawsuits? Share your take in the comments below – but keep it under 280 characters, or Crazy Uncle Elon might not read it.
If you enjoyed this analysis of our new techno-feudal future, consider supporting TechOnion with a donation. For just the price of one government hackathon Red Bull, you can help us continue peeling back the layers of absurdity as billionaires transform democracy into their personal side projects. Think of it as your hedge against becoming an unpaid beta tester in Government 2.0.
References
- https://ash.harvard.edu/articles/efficiency-%E2%88%92-or-empire-how-elon-musks-hostile-takeover-could-end-government-as-we-know-it/ ↩︎
- https://futurism.com/trump-officials-calling-musk-crazy-uncle-elon ↩︎
- https://thehill.com/policy/technology/5150104-elon-musk-government-efficiency-controversy/ ↩︎
- https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c23vkd57471o ↩︎
- https://theconversation.com/efficiency-or-empire-how-elon-musks-hostile-takeover-could-end-government-as-we-know-it-249262 ↩︎
- https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/clyz2xk7d9xo ↩︎
- https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/world/us/doge-trump-musk-yes-minister-elon-musk-vivek-ramaswamy/articleshow/115256038.cms ↩︎
