“Wealth is like a TikTok video—the more viral it gets, the more likely someone powerful will want to ban it.” — Ancient Chinese Proverb.
In a stunning development that has left economists, political theorists, and Marx himself rolling in his grave, ByteDance founder Zhang Yiming has officially become China’s richest person with a net worth of approximately $57.5 billion, according to figures that capitalist running dogs at Bloomberg insist on calculating.1 This achievement places him in the precarious position of being simultaneously too successful for communism and too Chinese for capitalism—a modern Schrödinger’s billionaire, both celebrated and endangered depending on which government is observing him.
Zhang, who founded ByteDance in 2012 from a humble Beijing apartment that now costs more than the entire GDP of several small nations, has seen his wealth surge by over $10 billion recently.2 This remarkable financial achievement makes him the third richest person in Asia, trailing only behind Indian billionaires Mukesh Ambani and Gautam Adani.3 Notably, he remains well outside the global top 10 billionaires list, which remains firmly dominated by Americans who have apparently perfected the art of hoarding wealth while still being invited to US Senate hearings instead of re-education programs.4
The Communist Billionaire Paradox
“Being the richest person in China is like winning a ‘Most Delicious-Looking Sheep’ contest judged by wolves,” explains Dr. Wei Tu-Rich, Director of the Institute for Precarious Prosperity at Beijing’s Theoretical Wealth University. “It’s an honor you might want to keep quiet about.”
Industry analysts note that Zhang has masterfully navigated the complex political landscape of China while building a global tech empire. His strategy, according to those close to him, involves a careful balance of appearing humble while secretly purchasing entire island chains.
“Zhang has perfected what we call the ‘Communist Capitalist Crouch,'” explains Sarah McMoneyworth, author of “Billionaires Who Bow: The Art of Looking Poor While Being Rich in Authoritarian States.” “When meeting with Party officials, he slouches slightly, wears a watch worth less than a car, and constantly mutters phrases like ‘redistribution is fascinating’ and ‘surplus value theory really makes you think.'”
The ByteDance founder reportedly maintains a special “Communist Party Visit Wardrobe” consisting of off-the-rack suits that have been carefully tailored to look un-tailored. Sources close to Zhang reveal that he practices looking concerned about income inequality in a mirror for 20 minutes each morning.
The American Extraction Dilemma
Meanwhile, across the Pacific, American lawmakers continue their efforts to force ByteDance to divest TikTok or face a ban, citing national security concerns that one U.S. Senator described as “definitely about security and absolutely not about the fact that Americans created a competing app called ‘FreedomDance’ that only has four users, three of whom are the developer’s family members”.5
The potential forced sale creates a fascinating new problem for Zhang: is it better to have your wealth threatened by communist ideology or capitalist protectionism?
According to the “2025 Billionaire Threat Assessment Index,” a completely study produced by the Global Institute for Wealth Preservation, communist countries typically allow billionaires to keep 62.7% of their wealth if they maintain proper political connections, donate to the right causes, and occasionally disappear from public view for “extended vacations” when they say something too capitalistic.6
In contrast, Western democracies allow billionaires to keep 99.9999% of their wealth but require them to endure the terrible indignity of being criticized on Twitter (now X) and occasionally testifying before US Congress while suffering no actual consequences.
“It’s really a Morton’s Fork situation,” explains Dr. Capitalism N. Communist, Harvard Professor of Billionaire Psychology. “Zhang can either have his wealth potentially constrained by a government that theoretically opposes the concept of billionaires, or have his most successful product forcibly sold by a government that theoretically celebrates entrepreneurial success. Both systems claim to support his success until it becomes too threatening.”
The Jack Ma Precedent: A Cautionary Tale
Zhang’s ascension to China’s richest person inevitably draws comparisons to Alibaba founder Jack Ma, who mysteriously vanished from public view after criticizing Chinese financial regulators in 2020, only to reappear later claiming he had been “studying education reform” and “definitely not being explained the proper way to discuss Chinese government policies.”
According to sources who wished to remain anonymous because they enjoy continuing to exist and not mysteriously be suicided, Zhang has been diligently studying the “Ma Incident” and has created a detailed 10,000-page document titled “Things Not To Do When You’re Worth More Than Some Chinese Provinces.”
“Zhang has learned that wealth in China comes with certain behavioral expectations,” explains Xiaoping Deng Jr. (no relation), author of “Billionaire Behavioral Guidelines: The Unwritten Rules of Chinese Wealth.” “For instance, never suggest that your business model is superior to state planning, never imply that innovation happens despite rather than because of regulation, and never, ever have a higher public profile than any Politburo member.”
Industry insiders note that Zhang has been particularly careful to avoid being photographed looking too happy about his wealth. His official ByteDance portrait shows him with what image consultants describe as a “humble-yet-productive expression” that conveys both capability and a willingness to attribute all success to the wisdom of the Communist Party.
The Mathematical Impossibility of Zhang’s Existence
Perhaps the most fascinating aspect of Zhang’s success is that, according to strict Marxist theory, he shouldn’t exist at all. The Communist Manifesto notably lacks a chapter titled “How to Nurture $60 Billion Tech Entrepreneurs While Maintaining Strict Socialist Principles.”
This theoretical impossibility has led the Chinese government to develop what political scientists call “Socialism with Billionaire Characteristics,” a system where extreme wealth accumulation is acceptable as long as the billionaire in question remembers to occasionally quote Xi Jinping Thought and fund the right municipal projects.
“The Party has unofficially established three categories of billionaires,” explains Professor Hong Wei-Loaded of Beijing’s Reality Adjustment Institute. “There are ‘Good Billionaires’ who support national objectives, ‘Tolerated Billionaires’ who don’t make waves, and ‘Educational Example Billionaires’ whose experiences become cautionary case studies for others.”
According to internal documents that definitely don’t exist and weren’t leaked to us, Chinese officials rate billionaires on a 100-point scale across several categories including “Patriotic Display Frequency,” “Criticism Avoidance,” and “Willingness to Fund Projects No One Asked For But Local Officials Really Want.”
The American Billionaire Envy Factor
Meanwhile, Zhang’s $57.5 billion fortune remains a distant cry from the wealth accumulated by American tech titans. According to the Forbes 2025 billionaires list, Elon Musk leads with $433.9 billion, followed by Jeff Bezos at $239.4 billion. This disparity has led to what psychologists term “Billionaire Nationalism,” where countries increasingly view their super-wealthy as economic Olympic athletes competing for global dominance.
“Americans want their billionaires to be as rich as possible, as long as they occasionally promise to go to Mars or solve world hunger,” explains Dr. Richie Rich, Professor of Comparative Wealth Studies at Princeton. “Chinese officials want their billionaires to be successful enough to demonstrate the superiority of their economic system, but not too successful that people start asking uncomfortable questions about equality.”
Dr. Rich’s recently published paper, “Billionaire Ceiling Theory: The Maximum Acceptable Wealth by Political System,” suggests that communist countries impose an invisible wealth ceiling of approximately $70-80 billion, after which billionaires mysteriously develop “philanthropic urges” or “desires to focus on social good.”
The TikTok Question: A $60 Billion Game of Hot Potato
The impending or not impending deadline for ByteDance to sell TikTok’s U.S. operations presents a unique conundrum. If forced to sell, Zhang would potentially lose a significant portion of TikTok’s global value, but would simultaneously reduce his profile as a potential threat to both American tech dominance and Chinese equality principles.
“It’s like watching two parents fight over who has to take the troublesome child for the weekend,” explains international relations expert Dr. Global Perspective. “The U.S. wants TikTok’s revenue but not its Chinese ownership, while China wants the global influence but not the scrutiny it brings.”
Industry analysts have noted that ByteDance employees now use a special color-coded alert system to warn Zhang about which government is currently more displeased with him. “Red means China is concerned, blue means America is concerned, and purple—which happens distressingly often—means both are simultaneously unhappy,” revealed an insider who asked to remain anonymous because being known as a source for satirical tech articles is generally bad for career longevity.
The $65.5 Billion Dollar Question
As Zhang navigates his new status as China’s richest person, the question remains: can anyone be simultaneously successful enough to top wealth rankings while remaining inconspicuous enough to avoid unwanted attention?
The “Institute for Studying Things We Made Up For This Article” recently published a groundbreaking study on what they call “Schrödinger’s Billionaire Theory,” which posits that a truly successful Chinese billionaire must exist in a quantum state of being simultaneously extremely wealthy and moderately wealthy, depending on who’s asking.
“Zhang has mastered what we call wealth superposition,” explains quantum economics theorist Dr. Both/And. “When speaking with Western investors, his wealth is presented as proof of China’s economic dynamism and openness. When appearing in Chinese state media, the same wealth is framed as a patriotic contribution to national prosperity that definitely benefits everyone equally.”
Conclusion: The Art of Being Just Rich Enough
As Zhang adjusts to life as China’s wealthiest individual, business schools worldwide are studying his approach to what consultants call “Optimal Wealth Visibility Management.” This delicate art involves being rich enough to appear on necessary Forbes rich lists while poor enough to avoid becoming the main character in a cautionary documentary.
“The secret to being rich in a communist country is making sure your wealth is seen as a national asset rather than a personal indulgence,” explains lifestyle management consultant Prosperity Wu. “Zhang doesn’t own a yacht; he maintains a ‘maritime research vessel.’ He doesn’t have a mansion; he operates a ‘cultural preservation complex.’ And he’s not worth $60 billion; he’s ‘temporarily allocated national resources that remain ultimately at the service of the people of China.'”
As the deadline approaches for ByteDance to potentially sell TikTok’s U.S. operations, Zhang finds himself in the unique position of potentially having his wealth reduced by American capitalism rather than Chinese communism—a plot twist that even the most creative satirist couldn’t have invented.
In a final ironic twist, sources close to Zhang report that he’s recently developed a sudden interest in “private philanthropy” and has been making large donations to mysterious foundations with names like “Definitely Not Zhang’s Money Preservation Fund” and the “Institute for Keeping Wealth While Appearing to Give It Away.”
As one ByteDance employee put it, speaking on condition of anonymity because they enjoy having a job: “In America, you worry about taxes taking your billions. In China, you worry about the entire concept of you having billions becoming ideologically inconvenient. Zhang isn’t just walking a tightrope—he’s walking it during a hurricane, while juggling, on rollerskates, as both ends of the rope are slowly being moved further apart.”
Welcome to the brave new world of communist capitalism, where the only thing more dangerous than failing is succeeding too much.
References
- https://daoinsights.com/news/tiktok-douyin-founder-zhang-yiming-becomes-richest-person-in-china/ ↩︎
- https://technext24.com/2025/03/27/tiktok-zhang-yiming-china-richest-person/ ↩︎
- https://e.vnexpress.net/news/business/billionaires/tiktok-founder-zhang-yiming-overtakes-billionaires-zhong-shanshan-ma-huateng-to-become-china-s-richest-4867080.html ↩︎
- https://indianexpress.com/article/trending/top-10-listing/forbes-2025-billionaires-list-rankings-of-worlds-richest-people-9788354/ ↩︎
- https://www.scmp.com/tech/tech-war/article/3255539/us-lawmakers-want-tiktok-sale-or-ban-chinas-bytedance-wont-give-without-fight ↩︎
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forbes_400 ↩︎
