“The only thing worse than having to share your toys is having to share your toys with someone who doesn’t understand why your toys are better in the first place.” – Tim Cook, of Apple Inc.
In a move that has Apple executives reaching for their meditation apps and overpriced alkaline water, the European Union (EU) has commanded the tech giant to tear down the walls of its meticulously manicured digital kingdom. On March 19, 2025, the European Commission adopted two landmark decisions under the Digital Markets Act, forcing Apple to open up nine sacred iOS connectivity features to third-party devices – effectively telling the world’s most valuable company that its “you can’t sit with us” policy violates EU law.1
The Magnificent Nine: Features Now Available to the Unwashed Masses
For decades, Apple has carefully cultivated an ecosystem where only its own devices could communicate with the elegance and grace befitting products designed in Cupertino. Now, the EU has demanded that nine key iOS connectivity features be made available to third-party manufacturers – from notifications to device pairing.
“We’ve identified nine iOS connectivity features that third-party devices must be granted access to,” explained Margrethe Vestager, EU’s competition chief, while visibly enjoying the discomfort of Apple executives. “These features will enable all brands of connected devices to work better with iPhones, whether Apple likes it or not – and we know they don’t.”
The list reads like the sacred scrolls of Apple design philosophy: iOS notifications, background execution privileges, automatic audio switching, AirDrop-like file transfers, AirPlay-style media casting, NFC capabilities, proximity pairing, and automatic Wi-Fi connections.2 In other words, everything that makes owning multiple Apple products feel like a harmonious relationship rather than a toxic situationship.
Apple’s Response: Compliance with Extreme Passive-Aggression
Apple’s official response to the ruling was a masterclass in corporate passive-aggression. In a statement that managed to be simultaneously compliant and contemptuous, the company declared: “Today’s decisions entangle us in red tape, hindering our ability to innovate for users in Europe and compelling us to provide our new features for free to companies that do not adhere to the same regulations”.3
Dr. Eleanor Walled-Garden, Apple’s Chief Ecosystem Protection Officer, elaborated during an emergency press conference: “For years, we’ve carefully engineered our products to recognize only other Apple devices – like how aristocrats can sense royal blood. Now the EU expects us to let any commoner device with a Bluetooth chip communicate with our precious iPhones. It’s like forcing Buckingham Palace to host UK urban open mic nights.”
According to the Institute for Technological Exclusivity, Apple engineers spend approximately 38% of their development time writing code specifically designed to recognize and reject non-Apple devices. “It’s actually more work to keep things closed than to open them up,” explained one anonymous Apple engineer, who was immediately whisked away by security wearing AirPods that glowed ominously.
The Implementation Timeline: A Reluctant March to Openness
The EU has laid out a clear timeline for Apple’s compliance: third-party support for iOS notifications should begin beta testing by the end of 2025, with full implementation by 2026. Similar schedules apply to the other eight features, meaning European iPhone users can expect their devices to start fraternizing with the competition sometime next year.
Inside sources report that Apple has already established a new division called “Mandatory Friendship Initiative,” where engineers work in a specially designed room with windows that don’t close properly and furniture from competitors’ campus offices. “We’re creating an authentic experience of discomfort and imperfection to help our team understand what it’s like to use non-Apple products,” explained Jony Iverson, head of Aesthetic Superiority at Apple.
The team is reportedly developing a suite of warning messages to display whenever users attempt to connect non-Apple devices. Early mockups include pop-ups reading “Are you sure? Like, really sure?” and “This may void your social status warranty.”
The Revolution Will Be Notified (On Any Smartwatch)
Perhaps the most significant change is that third-party smartwatches will finally gain full access to iOS notifications.4 This means users will no longer need to purchase an Apple Watch just to see who’s texting them without pulling out their phone – a revelation that has caused Apple Watch sales projections to plummet faster than battery life during a fitness tracking session.
Marcus Wristley, CEO of smartwatch maker TimeKeepR, was ecstatic: “For years, we’ve been making beautiful smartwatches that, when paired with iPhones, could basically tell the time and occasionally vibrate mysteriously. Now we can actually tell users why their device is vibrating. Revolutionary!”
A survey by the research firm AnalyticsPlus found that 76% of Apple Watch owners only purchased the device because they wanted notifications on their wrist, while 24% bought it “to close those little activity rings and feel superior to my friends.” When asked if they would have purchased a different, potentially cheaper smartwatch if it offered the same notification capabilities, 82% of respondents said yes, while 18% replied, “But would it come in Starlight?”
The Privacy Paradox: Apple’s Last Stand
As its final line of defense, Apple has raised concerns about privacy and security risks associated with opening up iOS to third-party devices. The company claims that allowing external devices to access iOS notifications could expose sensitive user information like personal messages or authentication codes.
“We’re deeply concerned that some developers might exploit this access to track and profile users,” said an Apple spokesperson, apparently forgetting that targeted advertising exists.
Dr. Prudence Firewall, from the Center for Digital Privacy Concerns, explained the paradox: “Apple is in a difficult position. They’ve built their brand partly on privacy protection, but now they’re essentially saying, ‘We can’t let you use non-Apple devices because only we can be trusted with your data.’ It’s like a parent telling their child they can’t go to other kids’ houses because only their house has proper safety measures.”
Industry analysts note that Apple’s sudden concern about third-party access is somewhat inconsistent with the company’s history of carefully vetting App Store submissions. “They’ve had a review process for third-party apps for years,” noted tech analyst Simon Skeptical. “Suddenly they can’t apply similar standards to connected devices? It’s almost as if there’s another motivation at play.”
The Global Digital Divide: A Tale of Two User Experiences
While European users prepare for their iPhones to become more promiscuous with other devices, the rest of the world will continue using Apple products as the company intended – in exclusive relationships with other Apple products. This geographic fragmentation has led to predictions of a new form of digital tourism.
“We anticipate a surge in what we’re calling ‘connectivity tourism,'” explained Dr. Francesca Borders from the International Institute for Digital Migration. “By 2026, we expect to see Americans, Australians, and Asians traveling to Europe simply to experience the thrill of using their Garmin watch with their iPhone without eighteen workarounds.”
According to statistics, 64% of tech enthusiasts would consider a European vacation solely to update their devices with EU-compliant firmware. Travel agencies are already advertising “Digital Liberation Tours” with slogans like “Experience the freedom of interoperability while also seeing the Eiffel Tower.”
Apple’s Secret Compliance Strategy: Operation “Technically Works”
Internal documents allegedly leaked from Apple’s compliance department reveal the company’s three-tiered approach to meeting the EU’s requirements:
- Gold Standard: How Apple features work with Apple products (smooth, seamless, “magical”)
- Regulatory Compliance: How the same features will work with non-Apple products (functional but frustrating)
- Technical Compliance: The minimum viable implementation that won’t result in fines (technically works, mostly)
The company has reportedly assigned its B-team engineers to the interoperability project, while the A-team focuses on developing new proprietary features that aren’t covered by current regulations. “We’re already working on ‘SuperDrop’ and ‘MegaPlay’ technologies that make regular AirDrop and AirPlay look like dial-up internet,” said a source who requested anonymity because they don’t actually exist.
Apple has also allegedly developed a new “innovation velocity” metric that measures how quickly they can create new proprietary features compared to how quickly the EU can regulate them. Current projections suggest Apple can stay approximately 2.7 years ahead of regulations, maintaining their ecosystem advantage through constant innovation.
The Unexpected Twist: A Blessing in Disguise?
In a surprising turn that nobody at Apple would ever publicly acknowledge, the EU’s forced interoperability could actually benefit the company long-term. By removing the artificial lock-in of the ecosystem, Apple will be forced to compete on the actual quality of its products rather than their exclusive interconnectivity.
“When you can no longer force customers to buy your watch just to get notifications, you have to make a watch that people actually want,” explained Dr. Competitive Markets from the European Institute for Technological Choice. “This could drive real innovation at Apple rather than incremental improvements to maintain ecosystem dependency.”
Indeed, leaked roadmaps from Apple’s R&D department show accelerated development schedules for next-generation devices with features labeled “must be demonstrably superior to competitor offerings.” One document reportedly includes the note: “If they can choose anything, we need to be the obvious choice.”
In what might be the most ironic outcome, the EU’s attempt to diminish Apple’s ecosystem control could actually result in better Apple products and renewed customer loyalty – this time based on choice rather than necessity.
As one anonymous Apple executive allegedly confided after several glasses of extremely expensive wine: “Between you and me, some of us are secretly relieved. Do you know how exhausting it is maintaining all those artificial barriers? Now we can just focus on making the best damn products and let them sell themselves!”
And thus, as the walls of Apple’s garden begin to crumble under the weight of regulation, we might just discover that what makes Apple special was never the exclusivity of its ecosystem, but rather the quality of what grows inside it. Though you can bet they’ll charge a premium admission fee either way.
In related news, Android manufacturers have already announced plans to mock Apple’s forced openness in their advertising, before inevitably implementing their own closed ecosystems approximately 18 months later.
The Verdict
Sent from my iPhone to my Samsung watch while backing up to my Google Drive and streaming Spotify to my Sony headphones – a sentence that would have been science fiction in the EU before this ruling.
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References
- https://digital-markets-act.ec.europa.eu/commission-provides-guidance-under-digital-markets-act-facilitate-development-innovative-products-2025-03-19_en ↩︎
- https://www.iclarified.com/96765/eu-orders-apple-to-open-nine-ios-connectivity-features-for-interoperability ↩︎
- https://techcrunch.com/2025/03/19/eu-sends-apple-first-dma-interoperability-instructions-for-apps-and-connected-devices/ ↩︎
- https://www.pcmag.com/news/eu-orders-apple-to-open-ios-features-like-notifications-to-third-parties ↩︎
