Warning: This article may contain traces of truth. Consume at your own risk!
In a stunning demonstration of American free-market principles, a coalition of US tech billionaires is heroically stepping forward to save TikTok from the clutches of its Chinese owners by… checks notes… using government power to force them to sell it at what will surely be a deeply discounted price. This selfless act of patriotism has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that TikTok’s algorithm outperformed their own platforms, attracted a younger audience they desperately need, and pioneered social commerce in ways they’ve been trying to imitate for years.
The deadline for TikTok’s forced sale has been extended yet again, with President Trump announcing on Friday that ByteDance now has until June 18 to sell off its prized American operations.1 This marks the second 75-day extension, following his initial pause when taking office in January, in what industry experts are calling “the most drawn-out corporate hostage negotiation in American history.”
National Security Concerns: Totally Real, Definitely Not Convenient
The stated reason for forcing ByteDance to divest TikTok, of course, is national security. U.S. lawmakers have expressed concerns that ByteDance might leak user data to the Chinese government if forced to.2 This is in stark contrast to American tech companies, who would never share user data with the government unless presented with a warrant, national security letter, informal request, compelling business opportunity, or moderately interesting lunch invitation.
“TikTok is classified as a Foreign Adversary Controlled Application under the law,” explained Republican Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers during a Congressional hearing. What she didn’t add was “…which is a legal category we invented specifically to ban TikTok.”
Dr. Ethan Surveillance, Director of the Center for Strategic Technology Acquisitions, explains: “The threat is very real. If the Chinese government gains access to TikTok data, they could discover dangerous intelligence like which dance trends American teenagers prefer and what recipes are going viral this week. Such information in the wrong hands could devastate our national security, especially if they find out about that feta pasta thing.”
The Algorithm: The Real Prize Everyone’s After
The heart of TikTok’s success—and thus the true object of desire for potential American buyers—is its recommendation algorithm, which has proven remarkably effective at keeping users engaged. As analyst Kelsey Chickering noted, “TikTok without its algorithm is like Harry Potter without his wand—it’s simply not as powerful.”3
Unlike other social media platforms that optimize for engagement metrics that maximize ad revenue, TikTok’s algorithm appears to give every creator a genuine chance to reach an audience, regardless of follower count. This revolutionary approach to social media—showing people content they actually enjoy rather than content that maximizes quarterly earnings reports for their tech overlords—has clearly violated the unspoken rules of American social media platforms.
“The TikTok algorithm scrutinizes essential content attributes such as captions, sounds, hashtags, effects, and trending topics from your previous engagements,” explains one industry analysis.4 What they don’t mention is that American tech executives scrutinized TikTok’s success metrics and decided it would be easier to force a government-mandated sale than to build something users actually prefer.
The Bidding War: America’s Most Absurd Corporate Auction
As the deadline for TikTok’s forced divestiture approaches and will keep approaching after many delays, a bizarre assortment of American companies and individuals have expressed interest in acquiring the platform, creating what one industry observer called “the most eclectic group of corporate vultures since the last Tesla board meeting.”
Amazon has reportedly submitted a last-minute bid for all of TikTok, apparently having decided that dominating e-commerce, cloud computing, streaming video, and grocery stores isn’t enough—they need the short-form video space too.5 As one Amazon executive put it, “We’ve found that there are still several hours per day when some Americans aren’t interacting with an Amazon-owned platform, and frankly, that’s unacceptable.”
Tech marketing firm AppLovin has also thrown its hat into the ring, promising it “could address national security concerns” if it owned the app. When pressed on how exactly a mobile advertising company would be better equipped to handle national security than, say, the actual government, AppLovin representatives reportedly responded, “Look, we’re really good at targeting ads. How different could targeting spies be?”6
Perhaps most surprisingly, Tim Stokely, founder of adult content platform OnlyFans, has partnered with cryptocurrency foundation HBAR to submit a bid.7 When asked why an adult content platform founder would want TikTok, Stokely allegedly replied, “We’ve noticed that people enjoy watching short videos of other people. We’ve also noticed that people enjoy watching other kinds of videos. The synergies are obvious.”
Other contenders include Perplexity AI, which proposed allowing the US government to own up to 50% of the company—combining the business efficiency of government ownership with the privacy protections of AI, creating a hybrid entity that absolutely no one asked for.
Even MrBeast, the YouTube star known for giving away large sums of money, has expressed interest. His proposed business model reportedly consists of hiding $10,000 cash prizes inside random TikTok videos, which would either revolutionize social media monetization or bankrupt him within 48 hours.
The Trump Factor: The World’s Most Powerful Auctioneer
President Trump has positioned himself as the ultimate dealmaker in this forced sale, declaring, “We have a lot of potential buyers… There’s tremendous interest in TikTok… I’d like to see TikTok remain alive.”8 This newfound concern for TikTok’s survival represents a remarkable evolution from his previous position in 2020, when he signed an executive order to ban it outright.
The timing of Trump’s latest extension—which pushed the deadline to June 18—coincides with his introduction of steep tariffs on Chinese goods, which reportedly prompted Beijing to stall on approving any TikTok deal.9 “We hope to continue working in good faith with China,” Trump wrote, adding he “understands” that Beijing is “not very happy about our reciprocal tariffs.” The statement showcases Trump’s unique negotiating style, which experts describe as “imposing punitive measures on someone while simultaneously asking them for a favor.”
Dr. Helena Geopolitics, Professor of International Business Negotiations, observes: “Imagine walking into a car dealership, slashing the tires of the vehicle you want to buy, and then expressing surprise when the dealer seems reluctant to offer you a discount. That’s essentially the negotiating strategy in play here.”
The China Response: Surprise, They’re Not Thrilled
ByteDance, TikTok’s parent company, has maintained a strategically vague position throughout the ordeal. In a statement on Chinese social media platform WeChat, the company said, “We are still in talks with the US government, but no agreement has been reached and the two sides still have differences on many key issues.”
Translated from diplomatic language to plain English, this roughly means: “We’re being forced to sell a massively successful business we built from scratch because the US can’t stand the competition, and we’re not happy about it.”
The Chinese government, meanwhile, has responded to Trump’s tariffs with their own 34% tariff on US goods, in what international relations experts call “a completely predictable response that somehow still surprised everyone involved.”
The Ownership Question: Who Gets The Secret Sauce?
A central question in any potential deal is whether ByteDance would retain ownership of TikTok’s algorithm or lease it to the new American entity.10 This is like forcing someone to sell their restaurant but letting them keep the recipes—you get the building, but the food might suddenly start tasting different.
According to reports, a coalition of American businesses is nearing US government approval for a bid that would reduce Chinese ownership in the new company to below the 20% threshold mandated by US law. This arrangement would create the illusion of American control while potentially allowing ByteDance to maintain influence over the platform’s most valuable asset: its recommendation algorithm.
Dr. Marcus Algorithm, founder of the Institute for Applied Digital Recommendation Systems, explains: “It’s like buying the world’s most popular theme park but letting the previous owner keep control of all the rides. You’ll have a lot of empty space and confused visitors wondering where all the fun went.”
The Users: Forgotten Pawns in a Corporate Chess Game
Lost in all the high-stakes negotiation are TikTok’s actual users—roughly 170 million Americans who have built communities, businesses, and creative outlets on the platform.11 Despite the uncertainty surrounding TikTok’s future, it remains immensely popular, with 4(FOURRRRRR!!!) – 18 year-olds spending an average of two hours on the platform daily.
When TikTok briefly went dark in January, millions of users experienced what psychologists have termed “short-form video withdrawal syndrome,” characterized by symptoms including aimless thumb-scrolling, decreased dopamine levels, and the sudden realization that one’s family members have faces.
Jessica Algorithm-Addict, a 19-year-old TikTok creator with 2.3 million followers, expresses the anxiety many users feel: “I built my entire business on this platform. If some random tech company buys it and ruins the algorithm, I’ll have to go back to my old job—being a normal college student with student loans and actual career prospects.”
The Unexpected Twist: When National Security Meets Corporate Convenience
What makes the TikTok situation so perfectly absurd is how neatly “national security concerns” aligned with the business interests of America’s tech giants. TikTok managed to do what Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, and Snapchat had been attempting for years: create an algorithm that truly understands what content users want to see, rather than what advertisers want users to see.
Rather than competing by building better products, American tech companies found it more efficient to lobby for legislation that would force their most innovative competitor to sell or shut down. It’s a brilliant strategy—like challenging someone to a race, realizing they’re faster than you, and then having them arrested for speeding.
Dr. Irene Ethics, from the Institute for Corporate Accountability, observes: “We’ve entered a new era of competition where the most effective business strategy isn’t innovation or customer service—it’s getting your government to declare your competitors a national security threat.”
In the final analysis, the TikTok saga reveals a fundamental truth about the modern tech landscape: when American tech companies can’t beat foreign competitors fairly, they don’t improve their products—they change the rules of the game. It’s capitalism with American characteristics.
As ByteDance weighs its options—sell under duress or face a ban in one of its largest markets—one thing is clear: whoever ends up owning TikTok’s US operations will have pulled off the greatest forced acquisition in tech history, achieving through government intervention what they couldn’t accomplish through market competition.
And that, dear TechOnion readers, is the American way.
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References
- https://news.sky.com/story/us-tiktok-ban-delayed-again-after-china-stalls-on-deal-over-tariffs-13342163 ↩︎
- https://www.techtarget.com/whatis/feature/TikTok-bans-explained-Everything-you-need-to-know ↩︎
- https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c62gj52qjjlo ↩︎
- https://www.bannerflow.com/blog/tiktok-algorithm-5-strategies-for-success ↩︎
- https://www.reuters.com/markets/deals/amazon-has-bid-buy-tiktok-new-york-times-reports-2025-04-02/ ↩︎
- https://www.morningstar.com/news/marketwatch/20250403769/as-deadline-nears-the-latest-interest-in-tiktok-comes-from-this-tech-name-and-short-seller-target ↩︎
- https://kidscreen.com/2025/04/04/potential-buyers-line-up-for-tiktok-ahead-of-deadline/ ↩︎
- https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/2025/04/02/tiktok-buyer-list-ban/82779505007/ ↩︎
- https://news.sky.com/story/us-tiktok-ban-delayed-again-after-china-stalls-on-deal-over-tariffs-13342163 ↩︎
- https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/clyng762q4eo ↩︎
- https://www.techtarget.com/whatis/feature/TikTok-bans-explained-Everything-you-need-to-know ↩︎
