“The highest form of technological achievement isn’t making people see things that aren’t there, but making them not see things that are – like the dent in their bank account.” – Anonymous Apple Engineer who was definitely not fired the next day.
In what industry insiders are calling “the most courageous pivot since removing the headphone jack,” Apple appears to be doubling down on its $3,500 Vision Pro headset despite mounting evidence that consumers have collectively responded with a resounding “thanks, but no thanks.”1
The Magnificent Flop That Absolutely Isn’t a Flop
Nearly 14 months after its initial release, the Apple Vision Pro has achieved what analysts are calling “unprecedented market penetration among the ‘more money than sense’ demographic.” While Apple refuses to release official sales figures, the Institute for Technological Loneliness estimates that 78% of Vision Pro units currently reside in their original boxes, with another 15% being used exclusively to watch spatial videos of pets that look mildly confused in three dimensions instead of two.
“The Vision Pro is the most revolutionary product we’ve ever created,” insisted Tim Appleby, Apple’s Chief Reality Officer, while nervously adjusting his collar. “The fact that most people haven’t bought one simply proves how ahead of its time it truly is. Just like how most people in 1687 didn’t immediately grasp Newton’s laws of physics. We’re basically Newton, but with better marketing.”
Plan A+: When at First You Don’t Succeed, Add More Intelligence
Rather than addressing the device’s prohibitive price tag, Apple has made the bold decision to enhance the Vision Pro’s software capabilities. The upcoming visionOS 2.4 update will introduce Apple Intelligence features in April, including Writing Tools, Image Playground, and Genmoji – because nothing justifies a $3,500 purchase like the ability to generate slightly better text messages while floating in a void of your own creation.2
“Our research shows that 87% of potential customers said, ‘I’d definitely buy a Vision Pro if only it could rewrite my emails to sound more professional while I’m wearing ski goggles in my living room,'” claimed Dr. Alexandra Price-Point, Head of Apple’s Consumer Insight Division.
Apple’s internal documents, which we definitely didn’t make up, reveal the company’s three-tier strategy for Vision Pro success:
- Ignore the price problem entirely
- Add more software features
- Wait for consumers to evolve beyond their primitive obsession with “financial responsibility”
The Sequel Nobody Asked For (But Will Get Anyway)
Despite lackluster sales of the original model, Apple is reportedly moving full steam ahead with Vision Pro 2, slated for release between Fall 2025 and Spring 2026.3 The new headset will feature an upgraded M5 chip, which insiders claim will make virtual reality indistinguishable from actual reality – except for the $3,500+ price tag, which remains firmly disconnected from most people’s reality.
“The Vision Pro 2 represents our unwavering commitment to providing products no one asked for at prices no one can afford,” explained Apple spokesperson Victoria Premium. “We’ve listened carefully to consumer feedback and decided to ignore it completely.”
According to sources who probably exist, the Vision Pro 2 will maintain the same design as its predecessor, allowing Apple to reuse components from unsold first-generation units while telling consumers they’re getting “the refined continuation of a design language that has already achieved perfection.”
The Spatial Content Revolution Nobody Is Watching
In a desperate bid to justify the Vision Pro’s existence, Apple has been aggressively developing “spatial content” – including a newly announced Metallica concert experience that allows fans to feel like they’re actually at the show, minus the sticky floors, overpriced beer, and human connection.
“The Metallica spatial experience is so immersive, you’ll feel like you’re actually there,” enthused Apple events producer Ethan Enthusiasm. “And just like being at a real Metallica concert, you’ll look absolutely ridiculous to everyone around you, but you’ll be too caught up in the moment to notice.”
The Institute for Content Consumption Metrics, reports that the average Vision Pro owner spends 5.7 minutes per month viewing spatial content, 4.3 minutes trying to figure out how to show it to friends, and 43.2 hours explaining to those same friends why the purchase was “totally worth it.”
The Great Chinese Copy-and-Undercut
In a shocking turn of events that has happened literally every time Apple has released a product in the last decade, Chinese manufacturer Vivo has unveiled its own mixed reality headset that bears a striking resemblance to the Vision Pro.4
The Vivo Vision, demonstrated at the Boao Forum for Asia Annual Conference 2025, features a similar ski goggle-like design with sensors for hand and finger tracking. Industry experts predict it will offer 85% of the functionality at 40% of the price, adhering to the time-honored tradition of giving Apple approximately one year of innovation exclusivity before democratizing their ideas.
“Our headset is completely different from Apple’s,” insisted Vivo spokesperson Wei Copycated. “For one thing, ours will be affordable. For another… well, that’s really the main difference.”
The Guest User Feature Nobody Will Use
In what analysts are calling “a solution to a very specific problem that affects roughly seven people worldwide,” Apple is enhancing the Vision Pro’s Guest User feature, allowing owners to more easily share their $3,500 headset with friends and family.
“Our data shows that Vision Pro owners are desperate to justify their purchase by forcing friends to try it,” explained Apple user experience (UX) researcher Samantha Social-Validation. “We’ve streamlined the process so users can more efficiently watch their friends say ‘Wow, that’s… neat’ before never mentioning it again.”
The newly improved Guest User feature will allow Vision Pro owners to set up guest access from their iPhone, choosing which apps guests can use. A beta tester reported: “Now my friends can experience the full wonder of spatial computing for up to 3 minutes before complaining of eye strain and asking if I have any normal video games instead.”
The M5 Upgrade Nobody Asked For
Apple’s decision to upgrade the Vision Pro 2 with an M5 chip represents what technology analysts are calling “the most expensive solution to a problem that doesn’t exist.” The M5 chip will reportedly deliver 30% more processing power, enabling users to experience their buyer’s remorse in unprecedented clarity and detail.
“The M5 chip can render up to 48 trillion polygons per second,” boasted Apple engineer Trevor Teraflop. “That’s enough processing power to simulate an entire virtual world where the Vision Pro is actually worth $3,500.”
The Imaginary Institute for Computational Necessity estimates that the average Vision Pro user utilizes approximately 3% of the device’s current processing capabilities, with the remaining 97% dedicated to convincing the user they made a wise financial decision.
The “Budget” Model That Will Never Exist
Perhaps the most telling aspect of Apple’s Vision Pro strategy is the reported delay of a more affordable model. According to analysts, Apple has postponed plans for a cheaper Vision headset until at least 2027, preferring to focus on premium devices that fewer people can afford.
“Making our products accessible to the average consumer would violate our core principles,” explained fictional Apple strategist Eleanor Exclusivity. “We’ve built our brand on the premise that technology should be prohibitively expensive. Making affordable products would undermine our entire business model of selling slightly improved versions of the same device every year at increasingly ludicrous prices.”
The fictional Global Institute for Economic Reality calculates that at current inflation rates, by the time Apple releases its “affordable” Vision headset in 2027, it will cost approximately $2,499 – or roughly the same as a used car, three months’ rent, or 2,499 items from the dollar store.
The Unexpected Twist: Is This Actually Brilliant?
In what may be the most cunning strategy of all, mounting evidence suggests Apple never intended the Vision Pro to succeed as a consumer product. Internal documents from the Strategic Failure Division reveal that the Vision Pro serves three key purposes:
- Tax write-off for R&D expenditures
- Testing ground for technologies that will eventually appear in actually profitable products
- Distraction to keep competitors wasting resources on headsets while Apple secretly develops mind-control technology
“The Vision Pro is actually the most successful failure in tech history,” claimed former Apple executive Dr. Marcus Mastermind. “By creating a product so expensive and impractical that almost no one buys it, Apple has convinced its competitors to pour billions into competing products that will also fail. Meanwhile, they’re developing something in a secret underground lab that will make smartphones look like stone tablets. It’s diabolically brilliant.”
The Moral of the Story
As Apple continues its quest to convince consumers that strapping an overpriced computer to their face represents the future of computing, perhaps the real innovation isn’t technological but psychological – the ability to make people desire products they don’t need at prices they can’t afford.
In a final twist of irony, the company that once urged us to “Think Different” has created a product so exclusive and expensive that most people think exactly the same thing about it: “Maybe next time.”
As the philosopher Professor Irony Observation once noted: “The true measure of technological progress isn’t what new capabilities we gain, but which basic necessities – like affordable housing or healthcare – we’re willing to forgo to experience a Metallica concert in three dimensions while floating in a digital void.”
In related news, Apple has denied rumors that Vision Pro 3 will include a “Reality Distortion Field” feature that makes users believe they’ve made wise financial decisions. That technology, apparently, has been standard in all Apple products since 1984.
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References
- https://techhq.com/2025/02/apple-bets-on-ai-and-spatial-content-to-revive-vision-pro/ ↩︎
- https://www.apple.com/newsroom/2025/02/apple-intelligence-comes-to-apple-vision-pro-in-april/ ↩︎
- https://www.reddit.com/r/apple/comments/1gogqlj/gurman_apple_vision_pro_2_on_track_for_release/ ↩︎
- https://www.gadgets360.com/wearables/news/vivo-vision-heaset-mixed-reality-unveiled-china-8008754 ↩︎
