In a world where artificial intelligence (AI) systems run hotter than political debates and consume more energy than Lesotho, former and future US dictator President Donald Trump has discovered the ultimate cooling solution: buying an entire Arctic island.
According to sources who wished to remain anonymous because they fear being pelted with snowballs or get tariffs set against their favourite countries, Trump’s seemingly bizarre obsession with acquiring Greenland from Denmark isn’t about minerals or military positioning. It’s about creating the world’s largest natural refrigerator for America’s overheating AI ambitions.
“It literally is the best place in the world for data centers,” declared Drew Horn, a former Trump official who has been vocal about the island’s potential. “It’s just a huge success story waiting to happen.”1
What Horn didn’t mention, however, is Project Popsicle – the top-secret plan allegedly drafted by a coalition of Silicon Valley executives and Trump advisors to transform Greenland into a vast digital ice fortress where America’s artificial intelligence systems can literally chill out.
Traditional cooling methods eat up nearly 40% of a data center’s energy budget.2 Greenland’s year-round frigid temperatures could reduce these costs to nearly zero, allowing companies like Microsoft and Google to redirect billions toward developing even larger, more power-hungry AI models that can finally answer humanity’s most pressing question: “Why does my cat stare at me like that?”
“Listen, we’ve got the best AI, tremendous AI,” Trump allegedly explained during a closed-door meeting with tech executives. “But these computers, they get very hot. So hot. The hottest. People are saying they’ve never seen computers this hot before. And Greenland, it’s cold. So cold. The coldest. Many people are saying it’s the coldest place they have ever seen. So it’s very simple, folks. Hot plus cold equals perfect. It’s just basic science.”
When reached for comment, Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen initially responded with a simple “LOL” before clarifying her position: “Greenland is not for sale. Not for cash, not for trade, not even for a lifetime supply of Danish pastries, which, by the way, aren’t actually Danish.”
The Big Chill Deal
Undeterred, the Trump team plus Elon Musk has reportedly been working on what they’re calling “Operation Arctic Acquisition” or, as insiders refer to it, “The Big Chill Deal.” Leading the diplomatic effort is Ken Howery, Trump’s pick for ambassador to Denmark and co-founder of Founders Fund.3
Industry experts suggest that Greenland could revolutionize how AI is developed and deployed. Dr. Frosty Servermore, head of the Institute for Computational Climatology, estimates that “relocating major AI operations to Greenland could reduce global energy consumption by up to 17.3% and decrease data center cooling costs by a staggering 92.7%!”
The plan has allegedly caught the attention of major tech players. According to whispers around Silicon Valley (which TechOnion definitely didn’t start ourselves), several tech giants are already drawing up plans for massive Greenlandic data centers.
“Imagine a server farm the size of Delaware, nestled between glaciers, powered by hydroelectric energy from melting ice caps, and cooled by Arctic winds,” said an anonymous tech executive. “It’s not just energy-efficient; it’s a climate change double whammy. We accelerate AI development while simultaneously putting all that inconvenient melting ice to good use!”
The Great Irony Meltdown
Environmental experts have pointed out the irony that climate change—which is causing Greenland’s ice sheet to melt at an alarming rate—is inadvertently creating the hydroelectric potential that would power these hypothetical data centers.4 It’s a perfect circle of environmental destruction and technological advancement that only a tech billionaire could love.
“It’s genius, really,” said another tech executive. “We use fossil fuels to warm the planet, which melts the ice in Greenland, which creates hydropower, which runs the AI data centers, which are cooled by the remaining ice, which helps develop better climate models, which confirm we’re still doomed. It’s the circle of tech life!”
Currently, about 70% of Greenland’s energy comes from hydropower, with plans to increase that to 90% in the next 5-6 years.5 This renewable energy potential, combined with the naturally low ambient temperatures, makes Greenland a theoretically ideal location for power-hungry AI operations.6
The AI Cold War
The geopolitical implications extend beyond energy efficiency. Trump reportedly views the acquisition as a strategic move in the AI race against China and Russia.7 A classified Pentagon report that we are pretending to have seen suggests that controlling Greenland would give the U.S. a significant advantage in the Arctic, which is increasingly becoming a contested region as ice melts and new shipping routes open.
“The Chinese are building their own AI refrigerator in Tibet,” claimed General Buck Frostbite (ret.). “And the Russians? They’ve had Siberia all along. America needs its own strategic cold reserve if we’re going to win the AI Cold War.”
The Trump team has allegedly been exploring various negotiation strategies to convince Denmark to sell. These range from traditional offers (“We’ll give you Florida—trust us, you don’t want it in 50 years anyway”) to more creative approaches (“What if we throw in a lifetime supply of MAGA hats made from sustainable materials?”).
According to our reliable sources, Trump has even considered appealing directly to the approximately 57,000 residents of Greenland with a special offer: American citizenship, a free Tesla Cybertruck for every household, and guaranteed roles as extras in a new reality show tentatively titled “Ice Road Data Miners.”8
Silicon Tundra: The Next Tech Frontier
Meanwhile, Silicon Valley has allegedly been preparing for potential success. Several venture capital firms have reportedly created “Arctic Opportunity Funds” to invest in cold-weather data infrastructure, Arctic-rated equipment, and fashionable yet functional parkas for tech workers who might be relocated to Greenland.
“We’re calling it ‘Silicon Tundra,'” said one venture capitalist. “It’s going to be like Silicon Valley, but with polar bears and seasonal affective disorder. We’re already planning the first TundraConf. It’ll be like Burning Man, but freezing.”
Engineers have reportedly been developing specialized technology for the harsh Arctic environment, including servers encased in self-heating nanotechnology fabrics, drones designed to repair outdoor equipment in blizzard conditions, and a dating app specifically for lonely data scientists posted to remote Arctic facilities.
As the plan allegedly progresses, there are signs that not everyone in the tech industry is on board. Some executives have expressed concerns about the practical challenges of building massive data infrastructure on an ice sheet, the ethical implications of essentially colonizing Greenland for American technological advantage, and most importantly, the lack of good coffee shops.
“The nearest Starbucks would be 1,500 miles away,” lamented one product manager. “How am I supposed to maintain my productivity without my Mint Mojito Coffee? Has anyone thought about the human cost?”
Denmark’s Cold Shoulder
Denmark, for its part, continues to insist that Greenland is not for sale and that the entire premise is absurd.9 “This is not a real estate deal,” said a Danish foreign ministry official. “You can’t just buy countries anymore. This isn’t the 19th century. Though if it were, we would be asking for a lot more than just cash—maybe throw in universal healthcare and reasonable gun laws?”
The Greenlandic government has also weighed in, with officials explaining that while they’re interested in economic development and even data centers, they’d prefer to maintain their sovereignty and simply license land to technology companies rather than become the world’s largest server room with an American flag.
10“If our dreams are realized, this clean energy will have a huge significance for Greenland’s future,” said Kalistat Lund, Greenland’s Energy Minister.
What Lund didn’t mention was the top-secret contingency plan code-named “Operation Frozen Independence,” in which Greenland would leverage global interest in its cooling potential to declare itself the world’s first Data Server Republic, accepting payment only in Bitcoin and ice cubes.
The Twist: Trump National Greenland
As negotiations (which may or may not actually be happening) continue, technology experts are divided on whether the “Greenland Strategy” represents brilliant foresight or colossal folly. Some point to the genuine advantages of cold-climate computing, while others suggest that perhaps investing in more energy-efficient AI systems might be more practical than buying an entire island to cool them.
The final twist in this frigid tale? According to an anonymous source who may or may not be the product of our overactive imagination, Trump’s real plan isn’t about data centers at all. It’s about creating the world’s largest golf resort on the soon-to-be-green Greenland.
“Think about it,” our source didn’t actually whisper. “As the ice melts, you’ve got prime oceanfront property appearing every day. In 50 years, Greenland will be the new Riviera, except owned by America. Trump International Golf Resort Greenland will be the crown jewel of the Trump Organization’s global empire, with 18 holes spanning what used to be glaciers.”
When asked about this theory, a representative from Trump’s team neither confirmed nor denied it, stating only: “President Trump is committed to America’s technological leadership and strategic interests. Also, he’s been working on his golf swing.”
As the world watches this geopolitical chess game unfold, one thing remains clear: in the increasingly desperate search for places to put ever-hotter AI systems, no idea is too cold to consider. Not even buying Greenland.
In the meantime, Denmark continues to respond to America’s advances with the diplomatic equivalent of “new phone, who dis?”
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References
- https://www.eenews.net/articles/data-centers-in-greenland-trumps-gambit-fuels-interest/ ↩︎
- https://www.channelpronetwork.com/2025/02/14/the-us-wants-greenland-is-ai-the-reason/ ↩︎
- https://techcrunch.com/2025/01/17/ken-howery-the-tech-mogul-at-the-center-of-trumps-greenland-ambition/ ↩︎
- https://time.com/7271481/climate-change-greenland-trump/ ↩︎
- https://www.arctictoday.com/engineering-greenlands-energetic-future/ ↩︎
- https://thegeopolity.com/2025/03/14/the-geopolitics-of-greenland/ ↩︎
- https://www.eenews.net/articles/data-centers-in-greenland-trumps-gambit-fuels-interest/ ↩︎
- https://www.linkedin.com/posts/anamariapruteanu-92b56_greenland-datacenters-investments-activity-7282584727830630400-TJXb ↩︎
- https://techcrunch.com/2025/01/17/ken-howery-the-tech-mogul-at-the-center-of-trumps-greenland-ambition/ ↩︎
- https://www.arctictoday.com/engineering-greenlands-energetic-future/ ↩︎
