In what financial analysts are calling “the most expensive case of unrequited love in corporate history,” America’s tech titans have discovered that even after canceling diversity programs (DEI), donating millions to the presidential inauguration funds, and attending enough Mar-a-Lago dinners to qualify for a punch card, President Trump still doesn’t swipe right on Silicon Valley.
The Great DEI Purge: “Who Needs Diversity When You Have Loyalty?”
The courtship began innocently enough back in January, when tech companies decided that their much-touted commitments to diversity, equity, and inclusion were actually just a three-year fling they were ready to move on from.
Meta led the charge, ending diversity hiring practices faster than you can say “shareholder value.” Chief Diversity Officer Maxine Williams was swiftly reassigned to a role more focused on “accessibility and engagement,” which industry insiders confirm is corporate-speak for “please clean out your desk by noon.”1
“We’re better focusing efforts on how to apply fair and consistent practices that mitigate bias for all, no matter your background,” explained a leaked memo from Meta’s VP of HR, Janelle Gale. This revolutionary approach reportedly involves “hiring whoever we want without thinking too hard about it,” a strategy that’s worked flawlessly for creating Meta’s current workforce of 46.5% Asian and 37.6% White employees, with just 6.7% Hispanic and 4.9% Black representation.
Google, never one to miss an opportunity to follow Meta into an ethical abyss, eliminated all diversity hiring targets and is “evaluating” whether to continue releasing diversity reports it has published since 2014. The company has also helpfully scrubbed all mentions of diversity from its annual 10-K filing, proving that if you can’t see the problem, it clearly doesn’t exist.
“We’re updating programs focused on DEI content,” said Melonie Parker, Google’s former head of diversity, in a statement that makes about as much sense as trying to download more RAM onto a Chromebook.
The Million-Dollar Courtship: “Here’s My Number, So Call Me Maybe?”
Not content with merely abandoning their principles, tech companies proceeded to Phase Two of Operation Win Donald Trump’s Heart: flooding his inauguration fund with cash.
Meta, Amazon, Google, Microsoft, and Apple each donated $1 million to Trump’s inaugural festivities, presumably hoping their generosity would be remembered when regulatory decisions came around2. OpenAI’s Sam Altman even pitched in $1 million of his personal money, perhaps hoping to influence Trump’s position on whether AI should be allowed to replace all human jobs or just most of them3.
“We’ve donated to previous inaugurations,” a Google spokesperson explained, presumably while a PR team behind them held up cue cards reading “SAY IT’S NORMAL” and “DON’T MENTION THE ANTITRUST LAWSUITS.”
The strategy seemed foolproof: When in doubt, throw money at the problem. It’s the Silicon Valley way! Just like how Microsoft solved its midlife crisis by spending $69 billion on Activision Blizzard instead of just buying a sports car.
Dinner at Don’s: “Would You Like Some Loyalty with That Entrée?”
The tech elite’s courtship escalated to actual in-person meetings, as CEOs from Tim Cook to Sundar Pichai made the pilgrimage to Mar-a-Lago – Trump’s Florida compound that looks like what would happen if Versailles and a golf resort had a baby raised by a casino.
In scenes that witnesses describe as “vaguely reminiscent of ‘The Godfather,’ but with more gold toilets,” tech CEOs lined up to kiss the ring. Apple’s Tim Cook reportedly discussed EU tax disputes over dinner, presumably hoping Trump would tweet mean things about Europe on his behalf4.
“In my first term, everyone was fighting me. Now, everyone wants to be my friend — maybe my personality changed or something!” Trump boasted, in a statement that ranks among the most self-aware things he’s ever said.
Elon Musk, playing the role of overeager teacher’s pet with a net worth, reportedly attended so frequently that staff began leaving out a bowl of water and some Tesla-shaped treats by the door.
Big Projects, Bigger Promises: “We’ll Help Make America Great Again (Terms and Conditions Apply)”
As if canceling DEI initiatives, donating millions, and attending awkward dinners weren’t enough, tech companies went for the grand gesture: announcing massive investments in American infrastructure.
Enter “The Stargate Project,” a $500 billion AI infrastructure initiative unveiled at the White House. This partnership between OpenAI, Oracle, Japan’s SoftBank, and an Emirati wealth fund promised to create 100,000 jobs and ensure “the future of technology” stays in the US5.
Not to be outdone, SoftBank CEO Masayoshi Son pledged $100 billion for US investments, only to be immediately challenged by Trump to raise the amount – because what’s another hundred billion between friends?6
“He can actually afford to do that,” Trump helpfully informed Son during a press conference, in what relationship experts call “classic negging.”
The projects were announced with the fanfare typically reserved for moon landings or iPhone launches, complete with solemn pledges about American jobs and technological leadership. Tech executives beamed like children who had just been told they could have an extra scoop of ice cream, confident that their tribute had been accepted.
The Tariff Betrayal: “It’s Not You, It’s Your Supply Chain”
And then came Thursday, April 3, 2025.
In what financial historians are already calling “Silicon Valley’s Red Wedding,” Donald Trump announced sweeping tariffs that sent tech stocks into a death spiral. The S&P 500 had its worst day since the COVID-19 pandemic, dropping nearly 5% and erasing approximately $2 trillion in value.7
The Magnificent Seven tech stocks lost over $800 billion in a single day8. Apple, which manufactures most of its products in China, saw shares plummet by 9%, erasing over $300 billion in market value – its worst day since March 20209. Amazon, Nvidia, and Meta all dropped by more than 7%.
Trump’s new tariff plan includes a 10% baseline on all imports, with additional penalties on “worst offenders”: 54% for China, 46% for Vietnam, 32% for Taiwan, and 25% for the European Union10. It’s like a game of international trade whack-a-mole, except the mole is the global supply chain and the hammer is America’s economy.
“With Asian production hubs being particularly impacted, all footwear and apparel company margins will be squeezed as costs increase,” noted analysts at Jefferies, in what might be the understatement of the century.
The Morning After: Tech’s Walk of Shame
As tech executives nursed their financial hangovers, the irony was lost on no one: all that bending of the knee, all those compromised values, all those expensive dinners at Mar-a-Lago – and for what?
“This is a pretty devastating day. There’s a lot of confusion happening within the tech industry,” remarked an executive at a supply chain solutions company, in what linguists recognize as corporate-speak for “WTF just happened???”
The European Union is now considering retaliatory tariffs specifically targeting digital services – putting Meta, Alphabet, Apple, Microsoft, and Amazon directly in the crosshairs. It’s like asking someone to prom, getting rejected, and then finding out they’re planning to egg your house.
Even more awkwardly, the tech giants will likely have to pass these tariff costs onto consumers, making smartphones, laptops, and cloud services more expensive. “Sorry about the price increase on your iPhone 17 – we tried really hard to suck up to the president, but he just wasn’t that into us.”
Will They Never Learn?
What’s remarkable about this saga isn’t just the betrayal – it’s that tech executives seemed genuinely surprised by it. It’s as if they expected loyalty in return for their loyalty, a concept so quaint it belongs in a museum next to dial-up modems and ethical business practices.
“The global construction ecosystem is intricately woven with international supply chains,” noted one construction analyst, apparently just discovering how the global economy has worked for the past 40 years.
As tech stocks continue their descent, one can’t help but wonder: What will tech CEOs try next? Naming data centers after Trump? Replacing the “Like” button with a “MAGA” button? Developing an AI that only says nice things about the president’s golf game?
Whatever it is, history suggests it won’t work. Because when it comes to appeasing powerful figures who fundamentally don’t respect your industry, there’s only one winning move: not to play.
But Silicon Valley never was good at learning from its mistakes. After all, these are the same people who keep trying to make the Metaverse and Blockchain happen.
At press time, sources confirmed that several tech CEOs were desperately trying to determine whether their companies could relocate manufacturing to Mar-a-Lago, which is apparently the only place in the world exempt from Trump’s tariffs.
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References
- https://www.cio.com/article/3854334/the-current-state-of-dei-in-the-tech-industry.html ↩︎
- https://www.fastcompany.com/91257772/trump-inauguration-big-tech-donations-list-google-microsoft-meta-apple ↩︎
- https://www.businessinsider.com/ceos-business-leaders-donate-million-trump-inaguration-altman-zuckerberg-bezos-2024-12 ↩︎
- https://www.indiatoday.in/technology/features/story/ahead-of-donald-trump-taking-charge-tech-ceos-from-cook-to-zuckerberg-lineup-at-his-residence-for-dinner-2651223-2024-12-17 ↩︎
- https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cy4m84d2xz2o ↩︎
- https://www.nytimes.com/2024/12/16/us/trump-softbank-investment.html ↩︎
- https://www.nbcnews.com/business/markets/us-stocks-dow-nasdaq-sp-plummet-trump-tariffs-rcna199476 ↩︎
- https://www.cnbc.com/2025/04/03/mag-7-relinquishes-more-than-800-billion-as-tech-drives-stock-market-nosedive.html ↩︎
- https://www.forbes.com/sites/dereksaul/2025/04/03/markets-shudder-heres-what-stocks-are-losing-the-most-in-tariff-selloff/ ↩︎
- https://thehill.com/policy/technology/5231124-trump-tariffs-tech-industry/ ↩︎
