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Author: Simba the "Tech King"

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TechOnion Founder - Satirist, AI Whisperer, Recovering SEO Addict, Liverpool Fan and Author of Clickonomics.
https://techonion.org

INTERNET ILLUMINATI EXPOSED: How Big Corporations Hide The Secret Force “Cloudflare” That Makes Websites 700% Faster — And Why Your Blog Is Like A...

Business
"The greatest tragedy in modern technology is not that some people lack access to the internet, but that most people with access lack knowledge...

SHOCKING: Billionaire Mark Cuban Invents Revolutionary Tech Called ‘Fair Pricing,’ Pharmaceutical Giants Fear Extinction

Business
In a world where healthcare innovation usually means developing pills that cost $0.30 to make but sell for $300, billionaire Mark Cuban has unveiled...

EXPOSED: Mobile Gaming Companies Now Breeding “Human Whales” in Secret Facilities, Training Them to Spend $10,000 on Virtual Carrots

Gaming
"In nature, the whale is the largest animal on Earth. In mobile gaming, the whale is the fattest wallet on the internet." - Ancient...

Absolutely Not The Onion: How TechOnion Profits From Your Digital Identity Crisis And Is Legally Required To Tell You About It

TechOnion
In an unprecedented display of journalistic transparency that would make Julian Assange blush, TechOnion is legally obligated to inform you that we are not,...

AI Image Generator Unveils New Feature That Doesn’t Create Hot Women, Stock Price Immediately Plummets 98%!

Tech
"The problem isn't that AI generates unrealistically beautiful women. The problem is that it occasionally generates something else." - Ancient Silicon Valley Proverb. In a...

SHOCKING: Scientists Reveal Top 10 Mobile Games of 2025 Specifically Designed to Make Your Life Disappear One Dopamine Hit at a Time

Gaming
"Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time, unless you're playing mobile games, in which case you've sacrificed your one precious life for virtual...

BREAKING: Your Voice Is No Longer Yours—AI Voice Generators Now Legally Own The Sound of Your Laughter and Your Grandmother’s Last Words

Tech
"In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Then their voice will be cloned without permission and used to sell discount hemorrhoid...

OFFICIALLY BINDING TERMS OF SERVICE: What You’re Agreeing To While Not Reading This Document

TechOnion
Last updated: March 27, 2025 (We update this whenever our lawyer sobers up enough to review it) 1. ACCEPTANCE OF THESE TERMS "The average internet user...

The Only Privacy Policy You’ll Actually Read: How TechOnion Harvests Your Data and Turns It Into Comedy Gold”

TechOnion
Last Updated: April 3, 2025 (yes, we actually update this thing) Welcome to the Fine Print Nobody Reads According to a comprehensive study by the Institute...

Google Introduces “Publisher Extinction 2.0” – Their Most Efficient Google Search Algorithm Yet For Removing All Other Websites From The Internet

Tech
In a remarkable feat of technological innovation, Google announced yesterday that its latest search engine algorithm update has successfully made 96.4% of independent web...

He Built A $100 Million Website From His Rural Ohio Home. How Scott DeLong Accidentally Created The Blueprint For TechOnion

TechOnion
In a world where tech startups burn through millions in venture capital just to create apps that let you order artisanal toast delivered by...

SHOCKING: Teen Boys Now Creating AI Influencers That Earn More Than Their Parents, While Real Humans Are Being Phased Out for Having “Too Many...

Tech
"In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Unless they're replaced by a flawless digital replica that works 24/7, never ages, and...
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