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Author: Simba the "Tech King"

TechOnion Founder - Satirist, AI Whisperer, Recovering SEO Addict, Liverpool Fan and Author of Clickonomics.

TECH CEOs BEND THE KNEE, GET STABBED IN THEIR STOCK PRICE: Multi-Trillion Dollar Sacrifice to Donald Trump Altar Rewarded With Economy-Crashing Tariffs That Would...

In what financial analysts are calling "the most expensive case of unrequited love in corporate history," America's tech titans have discovered that even after...

“Learn To Code,” They Said: How Big Tech Convinced Millions To Become Programmers Just In Time To Be Replaced By AI That Understands Your...

In what historians will surely record as the tech industry's most elaborate practical joke, venture capitalists and tech corporations spent a decade if not...

SHOCKING: Study Reveals Internet Users Hate Being Tracked and Spied On While Demanding All Content Remain Completely Free Forever!

Has humanity ever created a more perfect contradiction than the modern internet? A universe of information, connection, and cat videos—all available at no cost,...

BREAKING: A Fintech Company That “Connects Your Bank Account to Apps” Now Worth Only $6.1 Billion Instead of $13.4 Billion, CEO Declares “Tremendous Success”...

In an age where tech valuations make as much sense as airplane food, fintech darling Plaid announced yesterday that it has secured $575 million...

BREAKING: VC Obsessed With ‘Shinise’ Businesses Asks Startup to Imagine 100-Year Plan, Founder Has Existential Crisis After Realizing ‘AI-Enabled Blockchain for Pets’ Won’t Solve...

In a devastating blow to startup culture everywhere, venture capitalist Samantha Richards shocked the Silicon Valley ecosystem yesterday by asking a simple question that...

EXCLUSIVE: Blockchain Experts Reveal Industry Will Finally Be Useful By 2026, For The Seventh Year In A Row – ‘This Time We’re Serious!’

In a shocking development that absolutely no one could have predicted, blockchain technology—once heralded as the solution to everything from banking inefficiencies to world...

GROUNDBREAKING: Scientists Create Computer That Works Like Human Brain (Neuromorphic Computing), Immediately Forgets What It Was Doing and Starts Watching Cat Videos

In what experts are calling "the most ambitious act of technological self-sabotage in human history," computer engineers have successfully developed neuromorphic computing systems that...

REPORT: Financial Experts Predict Cartoon Dog Money ‘Dogecoin’ Will Outperform Real Economy by 2030, Suggests Pet Ownership Might Be Unnecessary When You Can Own...

In what financial historians are calling "the most logical development in modern economics," a digital currency featuring a grammatically-challenged Shiba Inu dog (Dogecoin) is...

EXCLUSIVE: Quantum Computing Finally Solves World’s Biggest Problems, Says Scientists Who Need More Funding

Have you ever wondered if all of humanity's problems could be solved by making computers really, really cold? That's the promise of quantum computing,...

EXPOSED: Wall Street Exec Confesses – ‘Meme Coins Are Just Penny Stocks For People Who Think They’re Too Smart For Penny Stocks’

In a world where putting a dog's face on a digital token can create billions in market value overnight, financial experts have made a...

REVEALED: OpenAI Gives Students Free ChatGPT Plus, Harvard Study Shows 99% of Finals Essays Now Identical – “At Least They’re All A+ Quality,” Says...

In what industry experts are calling "the most transparent attempt to hook young minds on AI since Facebook started giving free internet to India,"...

BREAKING: Company Spends $10 Million on Viral Marketing Campaign, Gets Outperformed by 10-Year-Old Posting Video of Cat Sneezing on Banana

In a world where human attention spans have dwindled to approximately eight seconds—shorter than that of a goldfish with ADHD—a terrifying truth lurks behind...

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