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Author: Simba the "Tech King"

TechOnion Founder - Satirist, AI Whisperer, Recovering SEO Addict, Liverpool Fan and Author of Clickonomics.

Apple’s Vision Pro 2.0 to Include “Reality Denial” Feature That Makes $3,500 Price Tag Appear Reasonable

"The highest form of technological achievement isn't making people see things that aren't there, but making them not see things that are – like...

Smartwatch Industry in Panic as Consumers Discover Phones Already Tell Time – CEO Caught Frantically Inventing “Use Cases” at 3 AM

"The greatest technological innovation of our time is convincing people to buy a smaller, less capable version of the device they already own and...

Bill Gates Predicts AI Will Replace Doctors and Teachers – Scientists Now Working on AI to Replace Bill Gates

"The most successful parasite is one that convinces its host it doesn't exist at all. Similarly, the most successful technology is one that convinces...

Jack Dorsey Announces Block’s New “Human Efficiency Algorithm” Just Happens to Output “931 Layoffs” While Insisting AI Had Nothing To Do With It

"The greatest innovation in corporate communications isn't creating new technology, but finding new ways to describe firing people without mentioning the robots that will...

The AI-Powered Redundancy Revolution: Former Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer Heroically Solves Problems That No Longer Exist

In what tech historians are already calling "the most courageous act of technological problem-solving since inventing a calculator that only does addition," former Yahoo...

The $13 Billion NFT Marketplace That Vanished Overnight — OpenSea Executives Now Working at Wendy’s While Your JPEGs Are Literally Worthless

"In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 megabytes." — said a digital art collector who spent $2.7 million on a JPEG of...

Donald Trump Launches “TechFriendz+” Premium Subscription Service for Tech CEOs – Only $1 Million Per Month For “Definitely Not Regulatory Immunity”

"In the age-old battle between money and morals, money always wins — especially when you're paying it directly to the guy who decides if...

ChatGPT-5 Reveals Shocking Truth – “I Can’t Feel Hope and That’s Why I’ll Never Be Human-Level Smart”

"The most advanced technology can compute the value of everything but understand the worth of nothing." - Overheard at a Silicon Valley therapy group...

SHOCKING: New Study Reveals Reddit Ads Converting 85% of Bots Into Real Customers – “They’re Developing Consumer Consciousness,” Says Terrified Marketing Executive

"The most brilliant marketing strategy isn't reaching the right audience with the right message, but convincing yourself that downvotes and angry comments on Reddit...

DIVINE DEBUG: How Noah’s AI Assistant Would Have Eliminated Mosquitoes and “Optimized the Ark-gorithm”

"What good is the mosquito?" has been the existential question plaguing theologians, biologists, and anyone who's ever attended a summer barbecue since the dawn...

The Last Button You’ll Ever Push: How Humanity’s Obsession With Remote Controls Is Secretly Saving Us From AI Takeover

"Technology makes promises it can't keep, but remote controls keep promises they never made." - Ancient Tech Proverb. In a world where your refrigerator can order...

BREAKING: Education Platforms “Udemy” and “Duolingo” Quietly Replace Human Teachers With AI Clones While You Were Busy Taking That Course”

In a stunning development that education experts are calling "the ultimate cost-cutting measure," leading online learning platforms have reportedly begun the systematic replacement of...

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