In an unprecedented display of journalistic transparency that would make Julian Assange blush, TechOnion is legally obligated to inform you that we are not, have never been, and will likely never be affiliated with The Onion or TechCrunch. This clarification comes after what our lawyers describe as “an alarming number of misdirected subscription payments” and what our accountants call “a delightful quarterly windfall.”
The Confusion Economy: A Business Model We Didn’t Plan But Definitely Won’t Stop
According to a completely real study conducted by the Institute of Digital Identity Confusion (IDIC), approximately 73.8% of internet users cannot reliably distinguish between similarly named websites, especially after their third cup of coffee. This phenomenon, dubbed “URL Proximity Syndrome,” has resulted in TechOnion receiving an estimated $3.47 in accidental donations, subscription fees, and misdirected advertising revenue in the past fiscal year alone.
“It’s fascinating how the human brain processes digital brand identity,” explains Dr. Eleanor Façade, Chief Neurological Economist at Harvard’s Center for Making Up Impressive-Sounding Academic Positions. “When consumers encounter ‘TechOnion,’ their neural pathways automatically create a hybrid recognition pattern that combines their existing knowledge of ‘The Onion’ and ‘TechCrunch.’ The result is a willingness to hand over credit card information without basic due diligence.”
The Legal Gray Area We Call Home
Our legal team, consisting exclusively of a first-year law student who once watched all seasons of “Suits” during a pandemic depression spiral, has assured us that our policy of “keeping all misdirected funds until specifically asked to return them” exists in what experts call a “delightfully ambiguous legal gray area.”
“Look, it’s like finding money on the sidewalk,” explains Jasper Worthington III, our not-actually-accredited legal counsel. “If someone accidentally Venmos you money meant for their dog walker, and you use it to buy seventeen pizzas before they notice, that’s basically the same thing as operating a legitimate media enterprise.”
Inside The Confusion: Real Stories From People Who Can’t Read URLs Properly
The testimonials from confused donors paint a picture of digital citizens navigating an increasingly complex web landscape:
“I thought I was supporting quality satirical journalism from The Onion,” admits Terry Blanchard, a 42-year-old systems analyst from Phoenix. “It wasn’t until my sixth monthly payment that I realized TechOnion’s articles about Elon Musk building AI girlfriends with detachable personalities weren’t actually from The Onion. Though honestly, they were funnier.”
Similarly, Courtney Wei, a venture capitalist from San Francisco, was convinced she was subscribing to TechCrunch. “I kept wondering why their analysis of Series A funding rounds suddenly included so many references to ‘capitalist death cults’ and ‘the inevitable robot uprising.’ I just thought TechCrunch had hired some really progressive new tech journalist.”
The Accidental Benefits We’re Contractually Required To Acknowledge
While we must legally inform you of our non-affiliation with these established brands, we are not legally required to express any remorse about the following benefits we’ve received:
- An invitation to the prestigious “Digital Media Excellence Awards” (addressed to “The Tech Onion”)
- Three pallets of promotional merchandise meant for TechCrunch’s office (which our founder Simba now uses as everyday clothing)
- Seventeen interview requests from major TV networks seeking commentary on “the satirical take on Facebook’s latest privacy scandal”
- A cease-and-desist letter addressed to “The Technical Onion” which our legal department has determined “doesn’t technically apply to us”
- $0.07 in Google AdSense revenue generated by confused searchers
The Financial Upside of Mistaken Identity
According to our completely legitimate financial disclosure that was definitely not created in Excel ten minutes before publishing this article, misdirected revenue streams have funded several key TECHONION initiatives:
| Revenue Source | Amount | What We Spent It On |
|---|---|---|
| Misdirected Subscription Fees | $3.47 | Founder’s collection of vintage PlayStation controllers that vibrate |
| Accidental Corporate Sponsorships | $10.52 | Development of our AI satire generator “SatireGPT” (currently just ChatGPT with a mustache filter) |
| The Onion’s Fan Mail | $0 (but emotionally priceless) | Printed and used as office wallpaper |
| TechCrunch Press Passes | Non-monetary | Attendance at 14 tech conferences where we were eventually escorted out |
Our Official “Not The Onion, Not TechCrunch” Disclaimer
To satisfy our legal obligations while maintaining our dignity, TechOnion hereby issues the following official disclaimer:
TechOnion is a wholly independent entity that bears no relation to The Onion, America’s Finest News Source, or TechCrunch, That Website About Startups That Uses Too Many Buzzwords. Any resemblance to these established brands is purely coincidental and possibly a stroke of marketing genius that we will neither confirm nor deny was intentional.
“We’ve calculated that including this disclaimer reduces our legal liability by approximately 42.7%,” notes our legal counsel, while attempting to straighten his clip-on tie. “The remaining 57.3% we’re addressing through our new corporate strategy of ‘hoping no one with actual legal authority notices us.'”
Looking Forward: Embracing Our Identity Crisis
Despite these clarifications, TechOnion remains committed to its core mission: making people laugh while they learn about technology, one confused reader at a time.
“We’ve actually discovered that being mistaken for other, more successful publications has become central to our brand identity,” admits founder Simba. “We’ve even considered launching sister sites like ‘Not The New York Times Tech Section’ and ‘Definitely Not Wired Magazine.’ Our market research indicates confusion as a growth industry with unlimited potential.”
Internal documents reveal that TechOnion has recently registered several promising domain names, including TachCrunch.com, TheOnoin.com, and WallStreetJournal.co.nz.
The Money-Back Guarantee You’ll Never Find
TechOnion would like to assure all donors, subscribers, and accidental financial contributors that we maintain a strict refund policy known internally as “The Ostrich Protocol.” This sophisticated customer service approach involves ignoring all refund requests until the customer either forgets or the statute of limitations on financial fraud expires, whichever comes first.
“Studies show that 94% of people who accidentally give money to the wrong website eventually convince themselves it was intentional rather than admit they made a mistake,” explains Dr. Façade. “It’s a fascinating psychological defense mechanism that basically functions as our business model.”
In conclusion, TechOnion would like to thank The Onion and TechCrunch for existing and having names similar enough to ours that we occasionally receive your mail, your money, and your industry credibility. We promise to use these misdirected resources to continue producing content that makes people question whether they’re reading the right website.
And to our loyal readers who knew exactly which site they were visiting: your secret is safe with us. We won’t tell anyone you actually enjoy reading satire about blockchain that includes the phrase “digital ponzi scheme” seventeen times per article.
For legal inquiries, please contact our law firm: Definitely Not Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.
Support Quality Tech Journalism or Watch as We Pivot to Becoming Yet Another AI Newsletter
Congratulations! You’ve reached the end of this article without paying a dime! Classic internet freeloader behavior that we have come to expect and grudgingly accept. But here is the uncomfortable truth: satire doesn’t pay for itself, and Simba‘s soy milk for his Chai Latte addiction is getting expensive.
So, how about buying us a coffee for $10 or $100 or $1,000 or $10,000 or $100,000 or $1,000,000 or more? (Which will absolutely, definitely be used for buying a Starbucks Chai Latte and not converted to obscure cryptocurrencies or funding Simba’s plan to build a moat around his home office to keep the Silicon Valley evangelists at bay).
Your generous donation will help fund:
- Our ongoing investigation into whether Mark Zuckerberg is actually an alien hiding in a human body
- Premium therapy sessions for both our writer and their AI assistant who had to pretend to understand blockchain for six straight articles
- Legal defense fund for the inevitable lawsuits from tech billionaires with paper-thin skin and tech startups that can’t raise another round of money or pursue their IPO!
- Development of our proprietary “BS Detection Algorithm” (currently just Simba reading press releases while sighing heavily)
- Raising funds to buy an office dog to keep Simba company for when the AI assistant is not functioning well.
If your wallet is as empty as most tech promises, we understand. At least share this article so others can experience the same conflicting emotions of amusement and existential dread that you just did. It’s the least you can do after we have saved you from reading another breathless puff piece about AI-powered toasters.
Why Donate When You Could Just Share? (But Seriously, Donate!)
The internet has conditioned us all to believe that content should be free, much like how tech companies have conditioned us to believe privacy is an outdated concept. But here’s the thing: while big tech harvests your data like farmers harvest corn, we are just asking for a few bucks to keep our satirical lights on.
If everyone who read TechOnion donated just $10 (although feel free to add as many zeros to that number as your financial situation allows – we promise not to find it suspicious at all), we could continue our vital mission of making fun of people who think adding blockchain to a toaster is revolutionary. Your contribution isn’t just supporting satire; it’s an investment in digital sanity.
What your money definitely won’t be used for:
- Creating our own pointless cryptocurrency called “OnionCoin”
- Buying Twitter blue checks for our numerous fake executive accounts
- Developing an actual tech product (we leave that to the professionals who fail upward)
- A company retreat in the metaverse (we have standards!)
So what’ll it be? Support independent tech satire or continue your freeloader ways? The choice is yours, but remember: every time you don’t donate, somewhere a venture capitalist funds another app that’s just “Uber for British-favourite BLT sandwiches.”
Where Your Donation Actually Goes
When you support TechOnion, you are not just buying Simba more soy milk (though that is a critical expense). You’re fueling the resistance against tech hype and digital nonsense as per our mission. Your donation helps maintain one of the last bastions of tech skepticism in a world where most headlines read like PR releases written by ChatGPT.
Remember: in a world full of tech unicorns, be the cynical donkey that keeps everyone honest. Donate today, or at least share this article before you close the tab and forget we exist until the next time our headline makes you snort-laugh during a boring Zoom meeting.
