“When the tech industry becomes indistinguishable from satire, the satirist becomes the only reliable journalist.” said probably someone very important!
In a world where billionaires launch cars into space while their employees pee in bottles, where AI promises to solve cancer but can’t figure out how many eyes a horse has, and where “innovation” increasingly means “adding blockchain to something that worked perfectly fine before,” someone needs to state the obvious: tech has lost its collective mind.
That someone is us. TechOnion. The only tech site brave enough to admit we’re all slowly being turned into digital livestock.
Our Actual Mission (No, Really)
TechOnion exists at the precise intersection of “holy crap, technology is amazing” and “dear god, what have we done?” We peel back the layers of technological hype to reveal the core truths that mainstream tech media is too scared (or too well-funded) to tell you35.
We believe technology should serve humanity, not the other way around. Revolutionary concept, we know4. While the rest of the tech press breathlessly reports on Meta’s 37th failed attempt to make the Metaverse happen, we’ll be asking the questions that matter: Why does Mark Zuckerberg keep trying to force us all into his digital dollhouse? Is it because the real world keeps rejecting his attempts to appear human?6
What We Actually Do:
- We translate tech-bro speak into human language
- We measure promises against reality
- We laugh to keep from crying
- We cry anyway
According to our completely real and not-at-all fabricated research study conducted by the prestigious Institute of Digital Sanity, 87% of tech news is just PR releases rewritten by underpaid journalists who haven’t slept since 2015. The remaining 13% is Elon Musk tweets. TechOnion proudly stands as the 0.01% that tells you what’s actually happening.
The TechOnion Difference (Besides Our Devastating Good Looks)
While TechCrunch is busy writing their 47th puff piece about a startup that’s “Uber for dogs” (but will definitely pivot to crypto by next quarter), we’re busy asking questions like: “Does this technology actually solve a problem? Or does it just create exciting new problems we never knew we could have?”9
“Most tech sites just regurgitate whatever Silicon Valley feeds them,” says Dr. Emma Realistik, Chief Technology Ethicist at the Center for Things That Matter. “TechOnion is different—they’re willing to point out that the emperor not only has no clothes, but is also trying to sell you an NFT of those non-existent clothes for $50,000.”5
Technology With a Conscience (Unlike Your Smart Fridge)
At TechOnion, we embrace technology that makes life better, more affordable, and more humane. Revolutionary ideas like:
- Software that actually works as advertised
- Tech that respects your privacy instead of selling it to the highest bidder
- Gadgets that don’t need to connect to the internet to perform basic functions
- Startups that solve real problems instead of creating artificial ones
Meanwhile, we mercilessly mock technology that makes life more stressful, unequal, or alienating. You know, like1:
- Social media algorithms designed to maximize anger and division
- “AI assistants” that require more assistance than they provide
- Apps that turn basic human functions into monetizable metrics
- Billionaires claiming their luxury space tourism companies will “save humanity”
Why We Need Your Support (Besides Our Crippling Coffee Addiction)
Running TechOnion is expensive in both financial and psychological terms. Our founder, Simba, sacrificed a perfectly good career and several romantic relationships to bring you the tech truth. According to the latest data from our accounting department (which is just Simba looking worriedly at a spreadsheet), TechOnion requires approximately 17 gallons of soy milk per month to fuel the creative process7.
“The average American spends $1,200 per year on technology they don’t understand and don’t need,” explains Professor Ava Facepalm, Director of the Department of Digital Futility at Obvious University. “Meanwhile, the average tech journalist spends 1,200 hours per year pretending to be excited about marginal improvements to smartphone cameras while ignoring the existential threats posed by unregulated technology. TechOnion is the only publication brave enough to say what we’re all thinking.”2
Join the Resistance (Or At Least the Email List)
Every time you share a TechOnion article, a venture capitalist questions their life choices for approximately 2.7 seconds. Every time you subscribe to our newsletter, an unnecessary “smart” device loses its Wi-Fi connection. And every time you donate to support our work, Simba can afford another month of therapy to process the psychological damage of keeping up with tech news79.
In a world where technology increasingly serves the few at the expense of the many, TechOnion stands as a digital David against a thousand Silicon Valley Goliaths. We’re not just cynics—we’re optimists who believe technology can actually make the world better, if only we demand it1.
“Technology should enhance humanity, not replace it,” says Dr. Maya Perspective, founder of the Institute for Keeping Technology In Its Lane. “TechOnion reminds us that behind every algorithm, behind every app, behind every startup, there should be a genuine desire to improve human lives—not just extract value from them.”5
Support Our Mission (Because Someone Has to Keep Tech Honest)
When you support TechOnion, you’re not just funding satirical articles about Mark Zuckerberg’s uncanny valley face. You’re supporting a vital perspective in an increasingly homogenized tech media landscape68.
Your donation helps us:
- Investigate ridiculous startup claims instead of just repeating them
- Develop AI that can detect bullshit in press releases with 99.7% accuracy
- Maintain our mental health while doomscrolling through dystopian tech news
- Keep our server running even when angry tech bros try to DDoS us
As our completely real and not-at-all-made-up patron Dr. Ian Rationality puts it: “In an era where tech companies have larger GDPs than most nations and more influence than most religions, satirical accountability isn’t just funny—it’s necessary. TechOnion isn’t just peeling back layers; they’re slicing through the BS with precision and making us laugh while they do it.”9
The Future of TechOnion (If We Don’t All Get Replaced by AI First)
Our vision is simple: to build a world where technology serves humanity, not shareholders. Where privacy isn’t a premium feature. Where “disruption” means more than just destroying stable jobs. Where innovation solves real problems instead of creating artificial ones1.
With your support, TechOnion will continue to grow, expanding our coverage to include:
- Investigative reports on tech companies that somehow manage to lose billions while being “successful”
- Field tests where we try to live without the technology we’re told we can’t live without
- Deep dives into how ordinary people actually use technology versus how tech executives imagine we do
- Profiles of tech workers brave enough to question their industry’s direction
Join us in our mission. Share our articles. Follow us on social media. And if you can, support us financially. Because someone needs to keep tech honest, and apparently that someone is us7.
The tech industry has all the money, power, and influence. All we have is the truth, a keyboard, and an unhealthy caffeine dependency. But with your help, that might be enough.
