“To err is human, to recall is divine,” said Alexander Pope, or at least he would have if he had lived to see Tesla’s latest foray into involuntary vehicle repossession. In a move that’s shocked absolutely no one who’s been paying attention, Tesla has announced its largest ever recall of the Cybertruck, proving once again that the future of transportation is just as fallible as its past, only with more angles.
The Great Cybertruck Strip Tease
Tesla, the company that brought you self-driving cars that occasionally mistake the moon for a traffic light, has outdone itself. This time, they’re recalling over 46,000 Cybertrucks due to a slight design flaw: the trim might fall off while you’re driving. It’s like the automotive equivalent of losing your trousers in public – embarrassing, potentially dangerous, but undeniably attention-grabbing.
“We’ve always prided ourselves on our vehicles’ ability to turn heads,” said fictional Tesla spokesperson Elon Muskrat Jr. “We just didn’t expect it to be because parts of the car were literally flying off and hitting other drivers.”
The recall affects nearly every Cybertruck ever made, which is a bit like recalling every copy of “Cats” ever released – necessary, but also a tacit admission that maybe the whole concept was flawed from the start.
The Cybertruck: Now with 100% More Disassembly Features
According to the completely fabricated Institute for Automotive Absurdity, this latest recall puts the Cybertruck in the lead for “Most Recalled Vehicle That Looks Like It Was Designed by a Five-Year-Old with a Ruler.” The cant rail, the piece in question, is apparently crucial for keeping the truck together – or as crucial as anything can be on a vehicle that looks like it escaped from a low-polygon video game.
“The cant rail is to the Cybertruck what self-esteem is to an influencer,” explains fictional automotive engineer Dr. Susie Sprocket. “Without it, the whole thing just falls apart, both literally and metaphorically.”
Tesla’s solution? A recall, of course. But not just any recall. This is a Tesla recall, which means it comes with its own app, requires a software update, and probably involves a cryptocurrency transaction somewhere along the line.
Elon’s Latest Twitter Poll: “Should We Make Cars That Don’t Fall Apart Y/N?”
As news of the recall spread, Tesla CEO Elon Musk took to Twitter (or X, or whatever he’s calling it this week) to address the situation in his typically level-headed manner.
“Cybertruck recall is fake news,” Musk tweeted at 3:17 AM. “It’s not falling apart, it’s entering its final form. Also, has anyone seen my cant rail? Asking for a friend.”
When pressed for comment, Musk launched a Twitter poll asking users if they preferred their vehicles “A) Fully assembled, B) Partially assembled, or C) In a constant state of existential flux.” Option C was winning at the time of writing.
The Domestic Terrorism Angle: Because Why Not?
In a plot twist that would make M. Night Shyamalan say “Bit much, isn’t it?”, US Attorney General Pam Bondi has accused three individuals of “domestic terrorism” for setting fire to Tesla cars and charging stations. Because apparently, in 2025, arson is terrorism if it involves electric vehicles.
“We take attacks on our nation’s critical meme-based automotive infrastructure very seriously,” declared fictional FBI Special Agent Jack Bauer Jr. “These individuals didn’t just set fire to cars; they set fire to the very fabric of our society’s obsession with overpriced, underdelivering technology.”
The accused, who cannot be named for legal reasons but are definitely not disgruntled former Tesla engineers (wink, wink), reportedly left a note at the scene reading “If Elon can tank Twitter, we can tank his cars.”
The Great Tesla Stock Plummet of 2025
As if exploding cars and domestic terrorism weren’t enough, Tesla’s stock has decided to join the party by plummeting faster than a Cybertruck’s trim on a windy day. The company’s shares have dropped roughly 40% since January, erasing gains made after the 2024 US election – an election which, sources close to Musk insist, he definitely didn’t try to influence using an army of AI-powered Twitter bots.
“Tesla’s stock performance is a perfect metaphor for the Cybertruck itself,” notes fictional Wall Street analyst Chad Moneybags. “Overhyped, overvalued, and ultimately, falling apart under scrutiny.”
The Unexpected Twist: Cybertruck as Performance Art
As our exploration of Tesla’s latest vehicular vaudeville concludes, a startling theory has emerged from the depths of Reddit. According to user ElonIsMySpirit4nimal, who claims to be a former Tesla engineer but is more likely a 14-year-old with too much free time, the entire Cybertruck debacle is actually an elaborate piece of performance art.
“Think about it,” the post reads. “A car that looks like it was designed in MS Paint, that’s always breaking down in new and exciting ways, that’s named after a concept from a dystopian future? It’s not a vehicle; it’s a commentary on the futility of technological progress and the absurdity of consumer culture.”
When reached for comment, Musk neither confirmed nor denied the theory, instead tweeting a meme of the Cybertruck with the caption “Is this loss?”
As Tesla grapples with falling sales, exploding cars, and the constant threat of parts simply yeeting themselves off the vehicle mid-drive, one thing is clear: the future of transportation is just as chaotic, unpredictable, and meme-worthy as we always feared it would be.
So the next time you see a Cybertruck on the road, give it a wide berth. Not because it might explode or fall apart, but because you’re witnessing a piece of history – a rolling monument to humanity’s unshakeable belief that this time, surely, we’ve invented something that will solve all our problems.
Just don’t stand too close. That cant rail looks a bit loose.